milee
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Post by milee on Jul 21, 2017 11:14:45 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled: Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail. BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this: Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it! The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game. does her mail spontaneously combust if it isn't picked up by 2? Who knows? I'm afraid to ask questions like that. Heck, when we sent her the email inviting her, it was a two sentence invite "We're going to ____ on ____. Want to come?" and she sent back a 2-3 page counteroffer containing her and her husband's detailed 'schedule'. I can't imagine the email she'd send back if I asked why she needs to pick up the mail at 2. It would be lengthy and a mix of infuriating and boring all at once. Pass.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 21, 2017 11:16:55 GMT -5
does her mail spontaneously combust if it isn't picked up by 2? Who knows? I'm afraid to ask questions like that. Heck, when we sent her the email inviting her, it was a two sentence invite "We're going to ____ on ____. Want to come?" and she sent back a 2-3 page counteroffer containing her and her husband's detailed 'schedule'. I can't imagine the email she'd send back if I asked why she needs to pick up the mail at 2. It would be lengthy and a mix of infuriating and boring all at once. Pass. I think you're a better person than me. I would not be able to help myself.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 21, 2017 11:18:36 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled: Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail. BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this: Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it! The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game. Has her husband ever called with a bike emergency?
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 21, 2017 11:18:52 GMT -5
Who knows? I'm afraid to ask questions like that. Heck, when we sent her the email inviting her, it was a two sentence invite "We're going to ____ on ____. Want to come?" and she sent back a 2-3 page counteroffer containing her and her husband's detailed 'schedule'. I can't imagine the email she'd send back if I asked why she needs to pick up the mail at 2. It would be lengthy and a mix of infuriating and boring all at once. Pass. I think you're a better person than me. I would not be able to help myself. Yeah that.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 21, 2017 11:24:05 GMT -5
does her mail spontaneously combust if it isn't picked up by 2? Who knows? I'm afraid to ask questions like that. Heck, when we sent her the email inviting her, it was a two sentence invite "We're going to ____ on ____. Want to come?" and she sent back a 2-3 page counteroffer containing her and her husband's detailed 'schedule'. I can't imagine the email she'd send back if I asked why she needs to pick up the mail at 2. It would be lengthy and a mix of infuriating and boring all at once. Pass. If you ignore almost everything about her email (since she is clearly very annoying), wouldn't it be great to have so much free time and almost nothing going on in your mind that your biggest worry is getting to the mailbox by 2? That's the life!
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 21, 2017 11:37:22 GMT -5
Who knows? I'm afraid to ask questions like that. Heck, when we sent her the email inviting her, it was a two sentence invite "We're going to ____ on ____. Want to come?" and she sent back a 2-3 page counteroffer containing her and her husband's detailed 'schedule'. I can't imagine the email she'd send back if I asked why she needs to pick up the mail at 2. It would be lengthy and a mix of infuriating and boring all at once. Pass. I think you're a better person than me. I would not be able to help myself. I learned this after being involved in a women's sailing group for years. Nice people, but was scheduling a PITA because of the need to discuss everything to death. In direct contrast to what it's like to do crew scheduling with men. And when you're dealing with the schedules of an entire crew, the PITA stuff multiplies since times have to work for everybody. Example: Me (group text/email): Please confirm you're available for regular practice Thursday 3-6 and regatta Saturday 10-4. Guy #1: OK Guy #2: I'm in. Guy #3: Can't make practice. Will be at regatta. as opposed to... Me (group text/email): Please confirm you're available for regular practice Thursday 3-6 and regatta Saturday 10-4. Woman #1: Wow, this week is busy! Hope you're all well. I'm trying this great new workout schedule, we should go to Boot Camp together Wednesday. Can I borrow your tent next weekend? Woman #2: I have a sleeping bag you can borrow. But I'll have to wash it. Ethan's trombone lesson was rescheduled for Thursday, but I think I can get [husband] to drive him. If not, I'll let you know. The regatta should be fun, do you want me to bring beer? Woman #3: My car needs an oil change. I think I can get it done on Thursday, so can we reschedule practice to Friday from 3-6? Woman #2: I can't practice Friday, I'm at that client presentation. This client is being really difficult and I'm so ready for this to be over. Woman #3: Oh, that sucks. Can we practice Wednesday? Woman #2: Yeah, that works. Who needed the sleeping bag again? Woman #1: Wednesday is day [husband] gets back from his trip. I want to have dinner with him and hear about it. I don't need a sleeping bag, but do you have a tent I can borrow? And by this point, I'm ready to just call the guys and go sailing. These are nice people and I enjoy getting caught up and hearing all about their lives (including their kids' trombone lessons and whether their car needs a repair) when we have a chance to hang out. But when I'm busy as heck and am just trying to nail down a simple yes/no and schedule, it can be exhausting.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 21, 2017 11:40:21 GMT -5
You definitely should have been an engineer. That's rule #1, no small talk.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 21, 2017 11:40:53 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled: Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail. BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this: Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it! The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game. Has her husband ever called with a bike emergency? What are you - crazy? If you asked something like that, the explanation would take 45 minutes!!! Just kidding. I actually know the husband a little better than the wife. He's in his mid-50s, super fit and a triathlete. I think he did an Ironman last year. He has zero health issues. He and all the other athletes carry a basic bike repair kit. He's ex-military so probably could handle basic first aid and most emergencies. In other words, there's no reason to sit waiting by the phone while he bikes. Anything he wouldn't be able to handle he needs to call 911 for, not her.
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Jul 21, 2017 11:45:03 GMT -5
Who knows? I'm afraid to ask questions like that. Heck, when we sent her the email inviting her, it was a two sentence invite "We're going to ____ on ____. Want to come?" and she sent back a 2-3 page counteroffer containing her and her husband's detailed 'schedule'. I can't imagine the email she'd send back if I asked why she needs to pick up the mail at 2. It would be lengthy and a mix of infuriating and boring all at once. Pass. If you ignore almost everything about her email (since she is clearly very annoying), wouldn't it be great to have so much free time and almost nothing going on in your mind that your biggest worry is getting to the mailbox by 2? That's the life! I wonder about that. I had a very silly incident yesterday that has me questioning things. Got together with a research group for a meeting after work - longer than expected and getting home on train around 9ish. Sometimes when late buses are 30 minutes out and I go up one stop and then walk home a mile. It's about 1.3 miles if I walk from the stop with the bus line and along a busy street. If I go one stop up it is 2 blocks through an industrialish area - highway, 3 different train lines 2 with overpass, some warehouse/manufacturing type buildings in between the train lines, then 6 blocks winding through residential streets - so I prefer that to the long walk down a busy street. So - luckily there is a fairly good connection this time around (checking times on my phone) so I got for the bus. I usually walk backwards for the bus stops to get out from under the highway/train overpass, It is big and ugly, covering about 8 lanes of traffic plus the train tracks and station. Lot of pigeon poop! So as I am ambling out of there, I see the bus is coming up quickly, so I should turn around and wait at the train stop, but no.....I start rushing forward to the next stop so I don't miss the bus, and I am thinking to myself - don't be foolish....it's late and hot and you don't want to end up walking from here....but I didn't listen, it was a mini-challenge and I wasn't turning back! I've always had a pretty stressful life, but apparently - not enough! I need to build these little episodes into my already full day. At 9 pm, when I am hungry and just need to make a quick dinner and call it night. I'm still scratching my head over it. To others, it must seem like I am the biggest weirdo out there. But - I made the bus!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 11:51:38 GMT -5
WTH does someone have to meet the mail when it gets there? Does she not have a box and it sits out in the rain or something. They just throw it on the ground or maybe she has one of those slots in the door and the dog eats it.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 21, 2017 12:41:35 GMT -5
You definitely should have been an engineer. That's rule #1, no small talk. I don't know how much of it is small talk vs loneliness/need for emotional connection though. In my experience, the need for detailed run downs was because folks are lonely. The more details I get about what was covered at the last trombone assignment, the upcoming one, how the child is or isn't practicing..plus how the trombone teacher is dressing, where the trombone teacher is moonlighting on Saturday nights...the lonelier they are.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 21, 2017 13:00:44 GMT -5
You definitely should have been an engineer. That's rule #1, no small talk. I don't know how much of it is small talk vs loneliness/need for emotional connection though. In my experience, the need for detailed run downs was because folks are lonely. The more details I get about what was covered at the last trombone assignment, the upcoming one, how the child is or isn't practicing..plus how the trombone teacher is dressing, where the trombone teacher is moonlighting on Saturday nights...the lonelier they are. Yes. And to be fair, these are nice people and we're friends. It's not like they're prattling on to a stranger about silly details. They're keeping us all up to date on what's happening in their life. So I realize I'm being "engineering" here in inserting my own preference. I do care about what's going on in their life, I am just so pressed for time that it's better for me if we do that catch up at a time when I'm not trying to coordinate 4 schedules on a tight timetable.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 21, 2017 13:10:13 GMT -5
Oh, I totally get you. I'm geared towards shorter conversations. One of my weaknesses at work is that I'm not perceived as being friendly anymore..because I don't do small talk. But, I'm like, I have to work. I have another job to get to, a family to get to...
When I'm teaching, it's different. I do tend to share more. But the relationships are different.I'm pretty mindful of jawing time, though, because our time is really limited.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 13:18:32 GMT -5
My mom Never. Shuts. Up. It's non-stop talk out of her. I rarely talk beyond what's necessary. Family says I could never get a word in edge-wise growing up so just quit trying. My older son has inherited this trait from his Grandmother apparently and it was just bizarre watching the two of them together when he was younger. It was like setting two Teddy Ruxpins across from each other (anyone remember those). They just would go on and on and on, and the crazy thing was they were both having entirely different conversations and not paying any attention to what the other one was saying. Thankfully, DS seems to be toning it down some now. I think it's part of what contributed to his social misfit status in his grade school years.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 21, 2017 13:22:41 GMT -5
I'm normally short and sweet, but I've taken to long explanations of my schedule on occasion. I do it so that people don't get the sense that I'm brushing them off, and also to prevent 5000 messages going back and forth about scheduling. 99% of my obligations are not for my own benefit, or even very enjoyable for me. I really do want to get together with my friends and just talk. I've never been a phone person, though. That lady, though, sounds like my mom a bit. I took her decades to get over the need to feed everyone all of the time, like grown adults are not capable of doing it themselves. She doesn't cook any more, and she still does it a little. Let's my brother come over and eat all of the food her caretaker got ready for her on the weekend. I got a call just an hour ago to stop by later to pick up pierogi for dinner. (And I can't say no to that <drool>) But I digress---to summarize, old people really get stuck in their ruts without even realizing it. Part of it is they feel it's their purpose. And it's absolutely annoying.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Jul 21, 2017 13:25:20 GMT -5
My mom Never. Shuts. Up. It's non-stop talk out of her. I rarely talk beyond what's necessary. Family says I could never get a word in edge-wise growing up so just quit trying. My older son has inherited this trait from his Grandmother apparently and it was just bizarre watching the two of them together when he was younger. It was like setting two Teddy Ruxpins across from each other (anyone remember those). They just would go on and on and on, and the crazy thing was they were both having entirely different conversations and not paying any attention to what the other one was saying. Thankfully, DS seems to be toning it down some now. I think it's part of what contributed to his social misfit status in his grade school years. That's DH and his mother. To be fair, he has memory issues from the MS and she has dementia but OH MY GOD!!! Listening to a phone conversation between the 2 of them is like herding cats. My brain just wants to explode.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2017 13:29:34 GMT -5
My mom Never. Shuts. Up. It's non-stop talk out of her. I rarely talk beyond what's necessary. Family says I could never get a word in edge-wise growing up so just quit trying. My older son has inherited this trait from his Grandmother apparently and it was just bizarre watching the two of them together when he was younger. It was like setting two Teddy Ruxpins across from each other (anyone remember those). They just would go on and on and on, and the crazy thing was they were both having entirely different conversations and not paying any attention to what the other one was saying. Thankfully, DS seems to be toning it down some now. I think it's part of what contributed to his social misfit status in his grade school years. That's DH and his mother. To be fair, he has memory issues from the MS and she has dementia but OH MY GOD!!! Listening to a phone conversation between the 2 of them is like herding cats. My brain just wants to explode. OMG. You get me! ROFL
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 21, 2017 14:51:54 GMT -5
My mom Never. Shuts. Up. It's non-stop talk out of her. I rarely talk beyond what's necessary. Family says I could never get a word in edge-wise growing up so just quit trying. My older son has inherited this trait from his Grandmother apparently and it was just bizarre watching the two of them together when he was younger. It was like setting two Teddy Ruxpins across from each other (anyone remember those). They just would go on and on and on, and the crazy thing was they were both having entirely different conversations and not paying any attention to what the other one was saying. Thankfully, DS seems to be toning it down some now. I think it's part of what contributed to his social misfit status in his grade school years. Any time my family gave me grief about not talking I told them that someone had to listen.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 21, 2017 15:02:57 GMT -5
Has her husband ever called with a bike emergency? What are you - crazy? If you asked something like that, the explanation would take 45 minutes!!! Just kidding. I actually know the husband a little better than the wife. He's in his mid-50s, super fit and a triathlete. I think he did an Ironman last year. He has zero health issues. He and all the other athletes carry a basic bike repair kit. He's ex-military so probably could handle basic first aid and most emergencies. In other words, there's no reason to sit waiting by the phone while he bikes. Anything he wouldn't be able to handle he needs to call 911 for, not her. My husband cycles and carries 2 extra intertubes. The only time he called was when he had 3 flat tires on one ride. He considered taking one from a random cyclist he ran into, but he said he was so pissed off he just wanted to come home. Poor guy.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 21, 2017 16:17:02 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled: Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail. BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this: Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it! The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game. LOL! I confess that I became similar to this in my responses with a group of friends I used to hang with because when I would just say "I can't". I'd get questions to why I couldn't. When I'd answer they'd say why it was still doable to do what they wanted me to do. So I'd counter why that won't work... and you get the picture. So I'd just give a litany of the whys to head it off at the pass. I finally just kicked them all to the curb because I got tired of the constant pressure to do things I had no interest in doing. DH is home full time now and we have our own interests and things we like to do and we got tired of jumping through hoops for others. Not to mention the costs of doing those things that we had no interest in doing. Ava - I totally get where you are coming from. IMO people today just don't know how to be friends any more. They only know what they want from you, what interests them, etc. and don't realize friendship is a two-way street. Nobody is so busy or important that they can't return a phone call or at the very least shoot an email if they don't want to talk because their kid is sick or they worked late or whatever. I've become very introverted this past year and find most people to be more trouble than they are worth so you may want to ignore my take on it. But it's the truth. ETA: DH is not home full time as in retired. I meant he doesn't travel any more for work. But he works from home a lot so it feels like he's home full time.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 21, 2017 17:05:32 GMT -5
AvaI have had some people treat me in the way you described. It never feels good. I hope that soon you are able to meet and connect with more people who share your same interests and value you, as well as your time.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Jul 21, 2017 17:09:18 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled: Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail. BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this: Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it! The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game. LOL! I confess that I became similar to this in my responses with a group of friends I used to hang with because when I would just say "I can't". I'd get questions to why I couldn't. When I'd answer they'd say why it was still doable to do what they wanted me to do. So I'd counter why that won't work... and you get the picture. So I'd just give a litany of the whys to head it off at the pass. I finally just kicked them all to the curb because I got tired of the constant pressure to do things I had no interest in doing. DH is home full time now and we have our own interests and things we like to do and we got tired of jumping through hoops for others. Not to mention the costs of doing those things that we had no interest in doing. Ava - I totally get where you are coming from. IMO people today just don't know how to be friends any more. They only know what they want from you, what interests them, etc. and don't realize friendship is a two-way street. Nobody is so busy or important that they can't return a phone call or at the very least shoot an email if they don't want to talk because their kid is sick or they worked late or whatever. I've become very introverted this past year and find most people to be more trouble than they are worth so you may want to ignore my take on it. But it's the truth. ETA: DH is not home full time as in retired. I meant he doesn't travel any more for work. But he works from home a lot so it feels like he's home full time. HEY!!!!!!!! But you said you luuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 21, 2017 17:11:33 GMT -5
LOL! I confess that I became similar to this in my responses with a group of friends I used to hang with because when I would just say "I can't". I'd get questions to why I couldn't. When I'd answer they'd say why it was still doable to do what they wanted me to do. So I'd counter why that won't work... and you get the picture. So I'd just give a litany of the whys to head it off at the pass. I finally just kicked them all to the curb because I got tired of the constant pressure to do things I had no interest in doing. DH is home full time now and we have our own interests and things we like to do and we got tired of jumping through hoops for others. Not to mention the costs of doing those things that we had no interest in doing. Ava - I totally get where you are coming from. IMO people today just don't know how to be friends any more. They only know what they want from you, what interests them, etc. and don't realize friendship is a two-way street. Nobody is so busy or important that they can't return a phone call or at the very least shoot an email if they don't want to talk because their kid is sick or they worked late or whatever. I've become very introverted this past year and find most people to be more trouble than they are worth so you may want to ignore my take on it. But it's the truth. ETA: DH is not home full time as in retired. I meant he doesn't travel any more for work. But he works from home a lot so it feels like he's home full time. HEY!!!!!!!! But you said you luuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! I do, I do!!! But you never call me back! FYI: I'm not talking about my friends over here!
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
Joined: Sept 3, 2011 10:28:25 GMT -5
Posts: 15,978
Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 21, 2017 17:11:54 GMT -5
Time management definitely becomes challenging when someone adds kids into the mix and that could be the issue here. But there are other people who are just really unaware or uncaring of others' schedules. Like this one woman I know who is retired. She and her husband have zero set volunteer, work or family (no kids, no local relatives) commitments but she's the biggest PITA ever when the group tries to schedule outings. A friend and I invited her to join us for something we'd planned. The friend and I both work, have kids and have fairly extensive volunteer commitments so fitting things into the schedule requires flexibility and good will. Here's a paraphrase of this retired woman's response to join us on the outing that we'd already scheduled: Oh, I'd love to go to ____ with you guys! But can we change it from Wednesday to Thursday? [My husband] prefers to go for a long bike ride on Wednesday mornings and when he does that I have to be at home in case he has a problem and calls me. And then we like to go to the grocery store on mid-day Wednesday since they get their new produce in around that time. Monday wouldn't work because that's the day I like to walk on the beach and [my husband] might go fishing. Friday is out of the question because I like to go to the library that day. Thursday morning might work if [husband] decides not to go on a bike ride but I'd need to be back by 2 to get the mail. BTW, this is the extreme condensed version of her reply, which was an email that if printed would have been 2-3 pages long detailing her and her husband's schedule. No idea why she needed to fill us in on her husband's schedule since he wasn't part of the outing. I felt like replying to her something along the lines of this: Sure, Anne and I would be glad to reschedule this for Thursday morning. My employees won't mind if I don't get their payroll done on time and the kids can just walk the six miles to school that day; we'll be sure to have you back by 2 so you can get your mail. Looking forward to it! The point is that there are clueless/selfish people at all stages of life. Figure out if these friends are just temporarily overwhelmed by their schedule or are clueless/selfish and then make a decision on whether you want to continue to play the game. LOL! I confess that I became similar to this in my responses with a group of friends I used to hang with because when I would just say "I can't". I'd get questions to why I couldn't. When I'd answer they'd say why it was still doable to do what they wanted me to do. So I'd counter why that won't work... and you get the picture. So I'd just give a litany of the whys to head it off at the pass. I finally just kicked them all to the curb because I got tired of the constant pressure to do things I had no interest in doing. DH is home full time now and we have our own interests and things we like to do and we got tired of jumping through hoops for others. Not to mention the costs of doing those things that we had no interest in doing. Ava - I totally get where you are coming from. IMO people today just don't know how to be friends any more. They only know what they want from you, what interests them, etc. and don't realize friendship is a two-way street. Nobody is so busy or important that they can't return a phone call or at the very least shoot an email if they don't want to talk because their kid is sick or they worked late or whatever. I've become very introverted this past year and find most people to be more trouble than they are worth so you may want to ignore my take on it. But it's the truth. ETA: DH is not home full time as in retired. I meant he doesn't travel any more for work. But he works from home a lot so it feels like he's home full time. Me too!
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Jul 21, 2017 17:16:38 GMT -5
HEY!!!!!!!! But you said you luuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! I do, I do!!! But you never call me back! FYI: I'm not talking about my friends over here! Yeah, that is problematic, isn't it. I don't call anybody. We text. Actually works out better for me, you know, the hearing, or lack there of.
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Ava
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 30, 2011 12:23:55 GMT -5
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Post by Ava on Jul 21, 2017 21:52:27 GMT -5
hi, guys. I'm glad my little rant has given you this opportunity to discuss friends, family, etc. As for me, I'm going out tomorrow with a Meetup group. We are going for dinner to a beautiful restaurant on the beach that I've always wanted to visit, but never had the chance. My mom will be here soon and we go out a lot. After she leaves I plan to go out more with Meetup groups, I may even start one of my own. I also want to volunteer in some animal shelter, and finally become a member of the cpa society and attend events, etc. The friends I mentioned before are people I've known for a long time. They have helped me and I have helped them over the years. I'm not going to break out completely, but it's time I start concentrating in my own social life. The closer friendship we had and the family atmosphere are gone, so time for me to move on. And believe me or not, there are people out there who treat a single, childless woman as a second class citizen. But I'm not going to let that affect me anymore. My rant was just that they exist, and they are quite annoying and disrespectful.
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NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 22, 2017 16:03:08 GMT -5
New friends, definitely. The people you are describing are not friends. I don't know what they are, but they are not friends. Friends do not treat people like that.
Maybe the first step would be to stop taking their calls and to stop accepting the crumbs they offer. Use the time you would devote to attending to their social needs on your quest for new friends.
If they want to know what happened, tell them the truth. You deserve something better. To twist an old phrase, they sound like friends seeking part-time benefits. I'd them. They just add stress to your already stressed life. Meetup is a good place to start looking. If you can do so, volunteer whenever possible. Both these venues will offer quality people with the same ideals as you.
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seriousthistime
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 20:27:07 GMT -5
Posts: 4,759
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Post by seriousthistime on Jul 22, 2017 18:37:05 GMT -5
Yeah, been there done that with the friends.
Those people are no longer friends; they're just acquaintances.
I do get that it's not that easy for married people to go out with friends during the weeknights, or on weekends without the spousal unit. When I had kids at home it was impossible for me to do it because XH was not the kind who would take over and do homework and bath duty.
It does help to have a small group of friends who get together regularly at the same place (like "first Tuesday of the month at Rocco's, 6:30" or something). Small group = chances are someone will be available to meet, and established date/time/place = no endless discussions over the details.
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