MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:09:14 GMT -5
My cousin - who graduated from college in May - is now engaged. Her fiance lives in Miami and she lives in PA. They've been "dating" for a year (how much dating can you do if one of you is a full time student that lives 12+ driving hours away?) and then he asked her to marry him. I really want to be happy and I really want things to work out for her, but I am just not getting the warm and fuzzies about this. IMO she is too young and IMO they haven't spent enough time together to really know each other as well as I think they should. I know you can know and be with someone for years only to find out that they weren't "the one", or that you can know someone is "the one" after only 1 or 2 dates. Love can be a crapshoot. She is smart but I'm afraid she is naive. I don't feel good about this but there's nothing I can do, so this is the only place I will voice my feelings.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Oct 28, 2015 12:13:07 GMT -5
have her starting working her intact hymen certificate.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 12:17:13 GMT -5
Maybe they'll have a really long engagement.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:22:31 GMT -5
Maybe they'll have a really long engagement. That's what I'm hoping. She's been trying to move to FL for a few months but hasn't gotten any job offers there. Maybe things will change/progress once she gets down there. |
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Oct 28, 2015 12:23:07 GMT -5
There is a similar situation in my family. Very little actual time spent together, then engaged.
We can only hope for the best. |
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:23:46 GMT -5
have her starting working her intact hymen certificate. I can swear on a stack of Bibles that hers is intact (she's really religious). |
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 28, 2015 12:26:07 GMT -5
It's sweet that you're concerned about your cousin. But, and the end of the day, your cousin is an adult and will do as she wishes.
FWIW (and I tend to be a very rational person) I knew DH was the "one" around date # 5 or 6. We dated for about 11 months before we got engaged, then got married 11 months after the engagement.
We just had our 21st anniversary. Sometimes you do just know.
I hope all works out for her. |
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:28:41 GMT -5
It's sweet that you're concerned about your cousin. But, and the end of the day, your cousin is an adult and will do as she wishes.
FWIW (and I tend to be a very rational person) I knew DH was the "one" around date # 5 or 6. We dated for about 11 months before we got engaged, then got married 11 months after the engagement.
We just had our 21st anniversary. Sometimes you do just know.
I hope all works out for her. But I'm guessing you lived closer than 12 hours apart. I know she'll do what she wants - I'm just venting. |
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Oct 28, 2015 12:35:40 GMT -5
Eh. It's either going to work out or it's not. A coworker of mine is engaged to someone who's in med school out of state. He's been in Australia the past couple of months finishing his residency requirement (he's technically an international medical graduate). People make it work if they want it enough.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 28, 2015 12:38:15 GMT -5
I'd jump at the chance to move from PA to Miami too!! Smart girl.
It'll be fine. If she moves down there and finds out that more time together does not make the heart grow fonder, they can break off the engagement. |
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:38:19 GMT -5
Again, not really the same thing unless she dated and got engaged to him while he was in Australia. But yes, I know - maybe it'll work out, or maybe it won't. Those are the only choices.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:40:40 GMT -5
I just don't want it to be a "hit and quit" kind of deal once she gets there. I've been there and it's not nice, but I guess it's better to know that now vs. later.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 28, 2015 12:43:18 GMT -5
What specifically are you upset about? You don't think she should be engaged because.....what? Have you met him? Do you have a reason to believe he is using her in some way? It doesn't sound like she's loaded, so it's not for money. It may be too soon - and if that's the case they will end up splitting up, hopefully before the engagement becomes a marriage. It's not at life-ruining stage.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Oct 28, 2015 12:47:07 GMT -5
Maybe the long distance will work in their favor. They probably communicate really well, and have discussed more than most couples get around to in the same time frame. Plus the distance might make them more objective. There are a lot of should be deal breakers you can shrug off with the sway of a warm body and a pretty face.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:47:53 GMT -5
I'm not upset, I am just not comfortable with it. No, I haven't met him. She hasn't really talked about him to me but we are only recently reconnecting. I guess my concern is her age and the fact that they haven't spent much time together. But yeah, who knows what'll happen when she goes down. Regardless of what happens with them, I'd rather not see her happy and not go through a tough time. But I guess that's all part of growing up.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:48:42 GMT -5
Oops, I meant I'd rather see her happy!!!!
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 28, 2015 12:51:12 GMT -5
It's sweet that you're concerned about your cousin. But, and the end of the day, your cousin is an adult and will do as she wishes.
FWIW (and I tend to be a very rational person) I knew DH was the "one" around date # 5 or 6. We dated for about 11 months before we got engaged, then got married 11 months after the engagement.
We just had our 21st anniversary. Sometimes you do just know.
I hope all works out for her. But I'm guessing you lived closer than 12 hours apart. I know she'll do what she wants - I'm just venting. Nope, lived on the other side of the country. Granted, both of us were quite a bit older than your cousin and her DF. We did the long distance thing for 11 years, but less than a year into it we were trying to figure out a way of either getting me here or him out where I was. |
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Oct 28, 2015 12:51:54 GMT -5
have her starting working her intact hymen certificate. I can swear on a stack of Bibles that hers is intact (she's really religious). Needing to get married so you can get laid can lead one to make interesting choices. |
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 28, 2015 12:52:23 GMT -5
I can swear on a stack of Bibles that hers is intact (she's really religious). Needing to get married so you can get laid can lead one to make interesting choices. Yes, that definitely crossed my mind. |
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Oct 28, 2015 12:53:10 GMT -5
That sounds like a tough situation, especially if they haven't spent that much time together.
I know a couple who got engaged on their 6-month dating anniversary (barf!) and then married a year later. It's been 6 years now, and they are still together.
I can understanding 'knowing' you want to marry someone after a short amount of time, but I can't understand actually doing it. Our relationship was completely different at 4 years together (when we got married) than at 6 months together.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Oct 28, 2015 12:55:13 GMT -5
I don't know if this will make you feel better or alarm you, but I dated my husband long distance for a year, got engaged, and then married him six months later. We were a lot more distant than your cousin so I only saw him in person a few days each month. Most of our communication was over the phone or online.
We have been happily married for six years so far and haven't run into any nasty surprises caused by the distance. It has been a little more difficult than I expected to adjust to living in this area, but it has it's pluses and minuses like everything else.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Oct 28, 2015 12:56:48 GMT -5
Needing to get married so you can get laid can lead one to make interesting choices. Yes, that definitely crossed my mind. My mom and I have discussed a former classmate/fellow churchgoer who we are pretty sure got married to her husband just because she wanted to sleep with him. She even found out before the wedding that he had been cheating on her and still went through with it. They are always up and down (close to divorce several times and I think separated a few) but somehow are still together. He's a total loser. |
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 28, 2015 12:58:49 GMT -5
Maybe the long distance will work in their favor. They probably communicate really well, and have discussed more than most couples get around to in the same time frame. Plus the distance might make them more objective. There are a lot of should be deal breakers you can shrug off with the sway of a warm body and a pretty face. Sometimes. I knew someone. She married her former college professor and continued to have her own very successful career. They did a long distance, see you only on the weekends if we can swing it marriage. Then her husband retired and moved the 8 hours to be in the same town with her. They didn't last too long and eventually divorced... |
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 28, 2015 13:03:33 GMT -5
Maybe the long distance will work in their favor. They probably communicate really well, and have discussed more than most couples get around to in the same time frame. Plus the distance might make them more objective. There are a lot of should be deal breakers you can shrug off with the sway of a warm body and a pretty face. Sometimes. I knew someone. She married her former college professor and continued to have her own very successful career. They did a long distance, see you only on the weekends if we can swing it marriage. Then her husband retired and moved the 8 hours to be in the same town with her. They didn't last too long and eventually divorced... It's worked out well for us. We did the 'seeing on weekends' for 11 years, both with our own careers on opposite sides of the country. I've been out here 4 years Dec. and all is going very well. Distance DOES tend to make you more objective. When you are together a very limited time, you try to let stupid, petty things roll off your back as you don't want your time together ruined. When you are together all the time, it's harder to do. |
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Oct 28, 2015 13:10:08 GMT -5
Sometimes. I knew someone. She married her former college professor and continued to have her own very successful career. They did a long distance, see you only on the weekends if we can swing it marriage. Then her husband retired and moved the 8 hours to be in the same town with her. They didn't last too long and eventually divorced... It's worked out well for us. We did the 'seeing on weekends' for 11 years, both with our own careers on opposite sides of the country. I've been out here 4 years Dec. and all is going very well. Distance DOES tend to make you more objective. When you are together a very limited time, you try to let stupid, petty things roll off your back as you don't want your time together ruined. When you are together all the time, it's harder to do. I don't think being more willing to tolerate someone's annoying habits = being more objective. Those aren't the same.
And we are all more willing to tolerate someone's annoying habits when we don't have to live with them day in and day out. Now you're just talking about the difference between dating and living together.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 28, 2015 13:12:09 GMT -5
It depends on the person on the age thing. I was 23 and my siblings were each 21 when each of olus tied the knot. Been married 10 years, 17 years, and 20 years. Pretty happily too. DH and I knew 6 weeks after we started dating we were going to get married. We didn't officially get engaged for 6 months. We were married 15 months after our first date. We did work together (saw each daily at work and often had work related discussions). So there was more togetherness.
Anyway, it could be your fears are unfounded. Could be that it isn't a good thing, but I don't think the age and distance are red flags on their own.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 28, 2015 13:12:30 GMT -5
Maybe the long distance will work in their favor. They probably communicate really well, and have discussed more than most couples get around to in the same time frame. Plus the distance might make them more objective. There are a lot of should be deal breakers you can shrug off with the sway of a warm body and a pretty face. the thing that would concern me in that type of situation is that what people say and what they do can be very different. Also, people can see themselves in a very different light than the reality is. While I don't see the point in 100 yrs of dating, I think it's incredibly important to actually observe a person in various situations. It's still a crap shoot but you might at least get some idea of who you are dealing with. And yes - then there are very good liers who can fool you like *that* |
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 28, 2015 14:27:57 GMT -5
My ex and I were together 6 years before we got married....it didn't work out in the end. My one aunt knew her husband 3 months before they married. They are married 50 years. I don't know what it takes to make a marriage last (obviously!lol) but I'm not convinced that length of time dating comes into play.
My advice to everyone is just stay single...  |
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Oct 28, 2015 14:47:18 GMT -5
I think marriage in general is a crap shoot. Some marriages last others don't. I suspect how people meet and how long they date doesn't have much impact on the end result.
All of my friends from college got married immediately following college (ages 21 to 23), and all but one of them are still married 15-20 years later. I have other friends who dated their ex-spouse for years who ended up divorced. So from someone who's single looking in it seems like there is no rhyme or reason for why some marriages succeed and others don't.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 28, 2015 14:55:06 GMT -5
Sounds like the female cousins on my dad's side of the family, except that most dropped out of college to get married. One of the five is still married to her first husband. Three are now divorced moms, and only one seems to get any help from her ex. The other one divorced her first husband and remarried. I am sure none of them regret the children that they have, but I wonder if at least some of them would have made different choices if they hadn't felt so much pressure to get married so young by the old folks in the family.
I hope it works out for your cousin. If not, I hope she can call it off before anything permanent happens.
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