mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Aug 27, 2015 15:45:29 GMT -5
management: where does this cross the boundary? because i am liking how open this discussion is so far. IMO, the boundary has been pushed, but not broken. Posters are doing well with pretty difficult subject matter. As long as all remember detailed explanations aren't needed here, I think things will continue to go well. Kitten's post was excellently done. The subject can be discussed without crossing the line provided we all remember we're adults and don't need things explained to us in detail. We can draw from subtlety quite nicely.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Aug 27, 2015 15:48:01 GMT -5
midjd - I'm glad you jumped in cause I don't feel right moderating a thread I've started or am participating in heavily. DJ - As with a lot of things it's subjective. Proboards has a PG-13 rule. What I consider PG-13 may be very different (snort!) from what another mod considers PG-13. Personally, I'm a bit naïve (yes I admit it) but I like to think PG-13 would be conversations vague enough to go over the heads of some 13 year olds without them catching on to the whole point of the discussion. Probably not realistic in this day and age, but it's like porn, can't describe but you know it when you see it. Any other mod - feel free to jump in with your opinions!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 27, 2015 15:47:42 GMT -5
management: where does this cross the boundary? because i am liking how open this discussion is so far. Nobody really knows. It's Proboards' rule, not ours, and the interpretation seems to skew a little differently than at least how I think of PG-13. The things I am 99% sure are forbidden are: - Using the f-word as a verb - Using common slang for the various types of copulation ("pulling a Monica" is probably OK, bl**job is not) - Going into any deep description of a sex act - Discussion of furries, apparently Like I said, I think everything posted so far is on the right side of the line, but if we go further down the path of what it takes for men vs. women to get off in a strip club, it may get dicey. That's not to say it can't be discussed... just try to pretend your grandma is in the room when doing so.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Aug 27, 2015 16:11:54 GMT -5
Whether or not my partner is having an affair, if he is sneaking around and lying to me, that's not a relationship that is going to work for me. I have this silly thing about wanting to be able to trust and respect each other.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 27, 2015 16:17:37 GMT -5
management: where does this cross the boundary? because i am liking how open this discussion is so far. Nobody really knows. It's Proboards' rule, not ours, and the interpretation seems to skew a little differently than at least how I think of PG-13. The things I am 99% sure are forbidden are: - Using the f-word as a verb - Using common slang for the various types of copulation ("pulling a Monica" is probably OK, bl**job is not) - Going into any deep description of a sex act - Discussion of furries, apparently Like I said, I think everything posted so far is on the right side of the line, but if we go further down the path of what it takes for men vs. women to get off in a strip club, it may get dicey. That's not to say it can't be discussed... just try to pretend your grandma is in the room when doing so. Furries as in a merkin?
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Aug 27, 2015 16:20:28 GMT -5
***must not respond... must not respond...*** Just Google it dude. quit jerkin his merkin.
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djAdvocate
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Post by djAdvocate on Aug 27, 2015 16:31:15 GMT -5
***must not respond... must not respond...*** Just Google it dude. ETA - Not at work though! Definitely not at work. i googled it, and either i am not getting why it is an issue, or i am getting the wrong definition. i am sad. i am so very sad.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 27, 2015 16:39:54 GMT -5
If you have to lie about it to your significant other, then you're cheating. My husband doesn't always freely admit when he picks up some junk on the side of the road or buys some crap at the fleamarket. Does that mean he is cheating on me with yet another comic book or a computer modem?
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 27, 2015 16:41:15 GMT -5
***must not respond... must not respond...*** Just Google it dude. ETA - Not at work though! Definitely not at work. i googled it, and either i am not getting why it is an issue, or i am getting the wrong definition. i am sad. i am so very sad. You are not getting the wrong definition. I Googled it after it came up in a different thread forever ago. I was surprised such a thing even existed.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Aug 27, 2015 16:46:27 GMT -5
i googled it, and either i am not getting why it is an issue, or i am getting the wrong definition. i am sad. i am so very sad. You are not getting the wrong definition. I Googled it after it came up in a different thread forever ago. I was surprised such a thing even existed. You've never been to a Pride Parade? Never watched TLC?
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 27, 2015 18:14:45 GMT -5
You are not getting the wrong definition. I Googled it after it came up in a different thread forever ago. I was surprised such a thing even existed. You've never been to a Pride Parade? Never watched TLC? Pride parade, no. And I've never seen a merkin on TLC. What show did you see one on that was on TLC?
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Aug 27, 2015 18:21:32 GMT -5
You've never been to a Pride Parade? Never watched TLC? Pride parade, no. And I've never seen a merkin on TLC. What show did you see one on that was on TLC? I thought we were still talking about Furries.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 27, 2015 18:44:16 GMT -5
Pride parade, no. And I've never seen a merkin on TLC. What show did you see one on that was on TLC? I thought we were still talking about Furries. Yeah. Which was where the merkin comment came from. I'm glad we were kinda talking about different things. I was picturing some twisted Canadian show like "A Merkin's Got Talent" or something.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Aug 27, 2015 18:46:04 GMT -5
I thought we were still talking about Furries. Yeah. Which was where the merkin comment came from. I'm glad we were kinda talking about different things. I was picturing some twisted Canadian show like "A Merkin's Got Talent" or something. Don't be ridiculous. It's "Are You Smarter Than a Merkin?"
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 27, 2015 19:01:09 GMT -5
This thread is too much right now!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Aug 27, 2015 19:14:24 GMT -5
Yeah. Which was where the merkin comment came from. I'm glad we were kinda talking about different things. I was picturing some twisted Canadian show like "A Merkin's Got Talent" or something. Don't be ridiculous. It's "Are You Smarter Than a Merkin?" "Pimp My Merken"?
"Merken Hunters"?
"Diners, Dives and Merkens"?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 19:20:32 GMT -5
It's only cheating if there's lying and other subterfuge going on, and there's actual "insertional" (including French kissing) activity or "skin on skin" contact with at least one person's genitalia going on.
Anything done with consent of the spouse is not cheating.
Porn (video or magazine/book) is not cheating.
Strip clubs (even fully nude) is not cheating.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 19:24:07 GMT -5
I wouldn't like it, but it wouldn't be grounds for divorce. Interesting. Now question for the guys, if you found out your wife was paying male sex workers to get her off is that grounds for divorce? I know I'd leave my wife over that. Looking, fine. Lap dance, fine. Paying for sex acts, pack your shit and get out. Depends... did she lie to me about it or sneak around to do it, and is the same option available for me (but gender reversed, obviously)? If yes, then the answer to your question is yes... If no, then no.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Aug 27, 2015 19:27:36 GMT -5
Don't be ridiculous. It's "Are You Smarter Than a Merkin?" "Pimp My Merken"?
"Merken Hunters"?
"Diners, Dives and Merkens"?
19 Merkins and Counting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 19:37:18 GMT -5
management: where does this cross the boundary? because i am liking how open this discussion is so far. Nobody really knows. It's Proboards' rule, not ours, and the interpretation seems to skew a little differently than at least how I think of PG-13. The things I am 99% sure are forbidden are: - Using the f-word as a verb - Using common slang for the various types of copulation ("pulling a Monica" is probably OK, bl**job is not) - Going into any deep description of a sex act - Discussion of furries, apparently Like I said, I think everything posted so far is on the right side of the line, but if we go further down the path of what it takes for men vs. women to get off in a strip club, it may get dicey. That's not to say it can't be discussed... just try to pretend your grandma is in the room when doing so. Apparently you've never met my Grandma... LOL (she's since passed away, but before she did she was more "open minded about sex" than most teenagers today are!)
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Aug 27, 2015 20:46:20 GMT -5
I regretted that after I wrote it... DH's grandma is the same way! I will never forget my first Christmas Eve with now-ILs. They always do a $10 gift grab where everyone draws numbers and you steal each other's gifts, usually scratch-off tickets. Apparently DH's grandma and 16yo sister were out shopping for the exchange when grandma decided one of those vibrating items they sell in the family planning aisle would make a great gift... she dragged SIL through the checkout and the cashier was one of SIL's classmates. Then DH's dad ended up being the one who opened it and grandma started trying to explain how it worked. Merry Christmas and welcome to the family! OK, sorry for hijacking Captain's thread. When discussing potential PG-13 topics, pretend an easily offended, non-pervy grandma is in the room.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 28, 2015 11:07:07 GMT -5
I regretted that after I wrote it... DH's grandma is the same way! I will never forget my first Christmas Eve with now-ILs. They always do a $10 gift grab where everyone draws numbers and you steal each other's gifts, usually scratch-off tickets. Apparently DH's grandma and 16yo sister were out shopping for the exchange when grandma decided one of those vibrating items they sell in the family planning aisle would make a great gift... she dragged SIL through the checkout and the cashier was one of SIL's classmates. Then DH's dad ended up being the one who opened it and grandma started trying to explain how it worked. Merry Christmas and welcome to the family! OK, sorry for hijacking Captain's thread. When discussing potential PG-13 topics, pretend an easily offended, non-pervy grandma is in the room. I can totally see myself doing this and blaming it on dementia or something when I'm a grandma.
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Aug 28, 2015 14:56:29 GMT -5
I agree that any behavior in which you engage that you don't want to share with your spouse (because you're afraid of the reaction) is cheating. Some people are afraid of the other person's reaction to a wide variety of behavior's they engage in because the other person's responses are unreasonable? I know several people who feel the need to walk on egg shells around their spouse because they (one he, one she) are notorious over-reactors, and the slightest thing can turn into an hours long argument. I've fudged it a few times- we're all human. I have, however, for the last decade, made it a point to tell the absolute unvarnished truth. If I'm going out for drinks, I'm going out for drinks. If she's mad, she's mad. It's better that she is mad at me for doing something I know she doesn't like, but which I am determined to do, than to find out I've lied to her. Trust is a delicate thing. Once someone knows you will lie to them, they cannot (or should not) trust you. It is foolish to think someone will lie to you about one thing, but not another. People that lie, lie. I made a conscious decision that for us, the truth matters. It's not absolute- I have been known to lie when I'm up to something like buying her a gift or something. And why yes, I love your hair (even though I can't tell the difference from yesterday).
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Aug 28, 2015 16:17:47 GMT -5
I agree that any behavior in which you engage that you don't want to share with your spouse (because you're afraid of the reaction) is cheating. Some people are afraid of the other person's reaction to a wide variety of behavior's they engage in because the other person's responses are unreasonable? I know several people who feel the need to walk on egg shells around their spouse because they (one he, one she) are notorious over-reactors, and the slightest thing can turn into an hours long argument. I've fudged it a few times- we're all human. I have, however, for the last decade, made it a point to tell the absolute unvarnished truth. If I'm going out for drinks, I'm going out for drinks. If she's mad, she's mad. It's better that she is mad at me for doing something I know she doesn't like, but which I am determined to do, than to find out I've lied to her. Trust is a delicate thing. Once someone knows you will lie to them, they cannot (or should not) trust you. It is foolish to think someone will lie to you about one thing, but not another. People that lie, lie. I made a conscious decision that for us, the truth matters. It's not absolute- I have been known to lie when I'm up to something like buying her a gift or something. And why yes, I love your hair (even though I can't tell the difference from yesterday). Well if you go back to the beginning of this thread, I think when we were trying to come up with a definition we agreed that the minutiae of daily life was NOT what we were discussing. We were discussing the definition of cheating on a spouse - aka being unfaithful to one's vows or commitment. Fudging about whether or not you like her hair is not cheating. Fudging about where you (the Big You) were last night when you were really with a date hoping to get some side action is cheating.
I've been known to "lie" to DH occasionally about small stuff to spare him - perfect example: we foster orphaned kittens. We had one last year that was not doing well and I couldn't help it any more, so I called the rescue agency to take it to the vet. He knew I was leaving that morning to take the kitten. It died after he left but before I could get out of the house. So I just let him continue to believe I returned her to the agency. It would have killed him to know her tiny body was sitting in the trash can awaiting the weekly collection. Did I cheat by failing to correct an assumption about something that ended up not happening? DH has a soft heart for animals, and my only agenda was to spare him .
And for the folks that walk on eggshells because their spouses are "unreasonable": they don't have a cheating problem. They (sadly) have a fundamental relationship problem. It probably includes a lack of understanding/communication and a lack of trust (I would guess off the top; I don't know the couples personally).
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Aug 28, 2015 17:33:26 GMT -5
Some people are afraid of the other person's reaction to a wide variety of behavior's they engage in because the other person's responses are unreasonable? I know several people who feel the need to walk on egg shells around their spouse because they (one he, one she) are notorious over-reactors, and the slightest thing can turn into an hours long argument. I've fudged it a few times- we're all human. I have, however, for the last decade, made it a point to tell the absolute unvarnished truth. If I'm going out for drinks, I'm going out for drinks. If she's mad, she's mad. It's better that she is mad at me for doing something I know she doesn't like, but which I am determined to do, than to find out I've lied to her. Trust is a delicate thing. Once someone knows you will lie to them, they cannot (or should not) trust you. It is foolish to think someone will lie to you about one thing, but not another. People that lie, lie. I made a conscious decision that for us, the truth matters. It's not absolute- I have been known to lie when I'm up to something like buying her a gift or something. And why yes, I love your hair (even though I can't tell the difference from yesterday). Well if you go back to the beginning of this thread,
I never do that.
I've been known to "lie" to DH occasionally about small stuff to spare him - perfect example: we foster orphaned kittens. We had one last year that was not doing well and I couldn't help it any more, so I called the rescue agency to take it to the vet. He knew I was leaving that morning to take the kitten. It died after he left but before I could get out of the house. So I just let him continue to believe I returned her to the agency. It would have killed him to know her tiny body was sitting in the trash can awaiting the weekly collection. Did I cheat by failing to correct an assumption about something that ended up not happening? DH has a soft heart for animals, and my only agenda was to spare him .
That's fair in my book. Before sharing things like this, I try to determine whether or not the news is a) relevant, or b) will be encouraging, or helpful in some way to my wife. If I can answer "no" to both questions- I give myself permission to keep the "whole truth" to myself. If pressed, however, I will lay it out.
And for the folks that walk on eggshells because their spouses are "unreasonable": they don't have a cheating problem. They (sadly) have a fundamental relationship problem. It probably includes a lack of understanding/communication and a lack of trust (I would guess off the top; I don't know the couples personally).
Agree completely.
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Robert not Bobby
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Post by Robert not Bobby on Aug 28, 2015 17:36:47 GMT -5
What is cheating?
Fucking some other lady when you are committed to another one...and you lie.
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Aug 28, 2015 17:37:50 GMT -5
What is cheating|? Fucking some other lady when you are committed to another one...and you lie. Or that.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 28, 2015 17:40:25 GMT -5
What is cheating? Fucking some other lady when you are committed to another one...and you lie. What about if it's a man?
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AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on Aug 28, 2015 17:57:09 GMT -5
A great marriage, the ONLY marriage that lasts, is one that's treated like a Blue Chip stock. It is one you invest in, not one you flip every so often for the next hot stock tip. The pipe dream of happiness through getting what you want right now doesn't work in the market, it doesn't work for a diet, and it sure doesn't work in marriage. We are all human, so I'm not sure if you can "affair proof" your marriage- even Blue Chip stocks go bust. But a lot less often. There are ways to set yourself up for success, but it all begins and ends with making the big decisions before they become little, easy-to-make decisions. If you're not going to cheat, why are you staring at that other person and imagining a relationship with them? Why are you talking to them? Why are you spending time with them that you are supposed to be spending working, supporting your household, or spending with your spouse? If you don't do the first thing, you won't do the second, or third thing- and it makes it bloody hard to cheat. Relationships are also key- do you have close friends that will hold you accountable? Who aren't afraid to tell you when you might be off track, who will ask you tough questions about your relationship? If you're not happy in your relationship, the only person you can change is yourself- I recommend before you approach your spouse with a laundry list of things you're unhappy about-- make an investment in your relationship first, and go to work on yourself.
A great book for the ladies is Dr. Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". (It's not a bad book for the guys, too).
A great book for the men is Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy". (Also not a bad book for women)
A great couples book is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
And to the men especially- remember: It's Not About The Nail (Even though it damn sure is)
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jkapp
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Post by jkapp on Aug 28, 2015 18:04:25 GMT -5
Geez, there sure is a lot of crap putting up with a significant other. I think I'll just stay single...problem solved
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