Would you send your child to an exclusive private

[stats45]

Mar 11, 2011 21:00:06 GMT -5 @toughtimes said:

I do not suggest that all wealthy people are snotty any more than all poor people are stone thugs. I was referring to the post boasting about all the money that the wealthy spend on the poor at their schools. One of my friends was a teacher at a private Catholic school. She could tell the children of the wealthy families from those of the poor. The wealthy ones came empty handed when they visited, the poor brought a small gift.

You don't suggest that yet provide an example that suggests that.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Toughtimes....every argument that you have against attending a private school is the assumption that they'll be unhappy because there are mainly wealthy families enrolled and they'll be rude.

IME (in attending both private AND public schools) is that you'll have these in ANY school. Some of the nicest people I know are some of the wealthiest......and conversely, some of the rudest, hypocritical people I know are poor. You just can't generalize and in this particular case, the OP would be eschewing a better eductation on the off chance that someone may make a rude comment to her son - a comment that could be made in ANY school.

Getting a much better education trumps a LOT and blowing this opportunity off without even trying it just seems like a horribly lost opportunity to get ahead - even at this young age.

[suziq38]

Put him in the best school for him.
Quit acting on your inadequacies about being middle class.
So what if everyone else has money.
We sent our son to a magnet school.
Most of the other teens drove really expensive cars. Our son drove a cheap mini truck.
He was glad to have it.

Now he is a computer engineer of some sort and has a net worth that is more than ours.

He is only 24. His friends are doing fine, but not as well as he is, except for the ones that are in medical school, LOL.

My point is that the have nots can mix with the "haves" and still do well.
"Water reaches its own level."

[suziq38]

This message has been deleted.

[suziq38]

Don't forget there will be ancillary costs if your child attends such a school. Parties, trips and other things cost money, so that will be part of the budget too.[/quote][/b]
I agree.
I think I had to buy a 6 foot long sandwich from the deli for a computer programming competition on a Saturday once.

Our son did not take many trips. I think that there was one at U.C. Berkeley for the high school debate team, which was about 4-5 hours away by car.

Yes there were expensive activities, but none were mandatory.
Also, the public school our DD attended had expensive trips offered (Washington D.C. comes to mind) and other activities (sports, glee, and drama) that cost money.
The debate team and computer programming club that our son participated in cost far less (next to nothing) than the club volleyball, drama, and glee (costumes) that our DD participated in. One went to the exclusive magnet school (our son) and the other was at the regular school.

It all depends on what your kid is interested in and good at.
If it is volleyball or football, good luck. The teams and training for the club sports teams are expensive.
My point is that the extracurricular activities can be just as expensive for a public school than it can for a private one.

I have heard, though that private schools are also charging for the regular varsity sports teams, etc. This is true. In the past the public schools have not done as much of charging for the sports teams as the private schools.

On the other hand, I think that with severe budget cuts, we are going to see this "perk" change for public schools.

[suziq38]

Mar 11, 2011 20:40:22 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Personally, I don't want to put laurel wreaths on the brows of all the "sainted rich." I have given as generously of my time, and I don't have two cents to rub together.

I don't think anyone here is saying that we need to. Some of us are saying that we shouldn't assume they're all snobbish asshats just because they have money. Bias and narrow mindedness are ugly traits no matter who you target with them.

Not all of the rich are arrogant.
Warren Buffett lives in the first house that he ever bought, a one story with 3 or 4 bedrooms.
I think the most annoying group are the people that pretend to be wealthy.
I ran into a lot of those types, too.

Yes, most of the students came from families with larger disposable incomes.
Their parents both worked, and most of the families made well over 6 figures.

We found a lot of nice people that were fairly well off. You meet all kinds of people.
I drove our son to several study groups held at mansions.
The families liked and doted on our son, and the kids tried to do stuff that did not cost us a lot of money. They were aware that we drove up in a beat up 1992 Grand Am, LOL.

[suziq38]

My son was bored at the public school. Even with honors classes, the competition was just not that tough. He was always at the top of the class.
At the magnet school (public) you had to test to get in. This school drew the best students from many of the local private schools.
People would drive up to an hour to get their child to this school.
For some reason a very high number of Asians were enrolled (approximately 75%). This new academic climate made our son "wake up" a bit.
Academically, he wasn't in "Kansas" anymore. School all of a sudden became a struggle and a challenge.
This was because you couldn't pay to get your kid in there. It was all based on an entrance exam, prior school activities, and behavior.

[Deleted]

DH went to a very expensive prep school - I think it cost somewhere around 20k in the 90's. There was a wide variety of kids - scholarship kids, children of the teachers, kids from overseas (it was a boarding school) and the very wealthy. DH was not particularly motivated - bright but not disciplined. He would have fallen through the cracks at a public school because he had the ability to do just enough to get by. That's pretty hard to do in a class of 7 or 8 kids.

When I took a foreign language in HS I sat in a class of 30 kids and repeated drills. DH actually spoke the language with his classmates. He got to play every sport he wanted to because otherwise there wouldn't have been enough kids for the team.

There were definitely super snobby rich kids at the school who tried to make other people feel like crap. But it also meant DH got some great opportunities to meet people he wouldn't have otherwise - like a person who had a symphony hall in a major city named after them. He worked for a classmate that started an ISP while still in high school.

DH also got to see money didn't make the world perfect. Some of the kids were driven to school in limos because their parents were always on vacation. One kid who lived in an 8 million dollar mansion had ADD bad - his father refused to get treatment for him because he couldn't admit that his son might have a problem. That kid could make no friends and was eventually kicked out of the school.

His school taught elocution and table manners - and made them practice by taking them to nice restaurants. This definitely has some element of creating an elite but it also taught the kids to be comfortable and polite in a variety of situations with a variety of people, which is an extremely valuable skill.

[suziq38]

Mar 12, 2011 17:18:54 GMT -5 @toughtimes said:

Yeah, you bought a subway sandwich? In the expensive private school a friend of my sister's sent her child to, regular trips overseas were more like it. Although the child made an expensive trip to Brazil, the same year there was another elsewhere. The child did not make the second one nor did she make the unauthorized sidetrip that brought swine flu back. You see, that very costly school was also the epicenter of last year's swine flu epidemic and those poorly-supervised minors brought back trouble.

It's nice that elite schools have programs to visit other countries.
Public schools have similar options.
Just because there is an option to go to Brazil or Italy does not mean that it is mandatory.
My son never made it to Africa or Italy, LOL. We couldn't afford it.
So what. No one said that I had to keep up with the "Joneses" at the elite magnet school.
Our school never had a swine flu epidemic.
Would I send him to that magnet school again? Heck yes.

[suziq38]

Mar 12, 2011 20:29:16 GMT -5 @toughtimes said:

No, they don't have "options." The school isn't paying for anything after all. If the majority of your class is going, and you cannot afford it, it is a whole different ballgame from something that is available if you want it. I had "options" to travel to farms in Ireland since my family is from there, but when my family went, there was no pressure on any of my classmates to go too.

These "options" are like the "options" to buy expensive cars, clothing and many other items. If you are Little Orphan Annie, it's not much fun. If you send your child to these expensive schools, you will have to budget for an occasional frill.

No, it isn't, then forget about the "real world" out there.
Being "Little Orphan Annie" is understandably no fun, but I don't feel that way with most of my friends who happen to have more money than I do.
I always told my son: " Yes they have more money, but there is always someone else with less money." So what.
That didn't keep us away from placing our child in the better school academically for our son. Also, at the magnet school nerds were commonplace, LOL.

Yes, the other students drove the nicer cars back then, but when our son graduated from college, he drove a really nice car. One that he wanted and paid the "upgrade" for... an Audi.

As far as trips. Our DD's middle school had one to Washington DC. We couldn't even afford that domestic trip for DD.
Probably 75% of the students were going. Our kids wanted to go, but understood we couldn't afford it. Part of real life.

The same thing happened in college.
Both kids didn't go overseas for a semester, and it didn't psychologically harm them at all. We couldn't afford it.
DD ended up visiting a couple of friends. I think she went to England, Spain, Italy, Germany and France. Yes, her friends were from wealthy families, but they included her in their plans. In fact, one parent paid for my DD's airline ticket so that she could visit her DD in Europe. I think my DD had to repay her when she worked at her summer job.

Not all wealthy people are snobs.

[suziq38]

This message has been deleted.

[suziq38]

Mar 10, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 stats45 said:

I don't see where the problem is, and maybe the OP is concerned about fitting in with the other families.

I went on a scholarship from 10th grade to 12th to a great private school. The school was great, the teachers were amazing, but the students were so-so. The families were wealthy, and many weren't that motivated. There was a wonderful education though there for whomever wanted it.

I remember feeling awkward at times, asking for rides because I didn't have a car, not wearing the same clothes, but those things aren't important compared to a good education. I took classes at that school with unbelievable levels of support. It helped set the trajectory for my life.

To comment on Isabella's point, my scholarship was paid for my a group of families. My family was working-class (at best) at that time, and one family in particular was eager to help when they could. I tried my best to pay for things, but they helped pay for competitions, field trips, software, anything you could imagine. I was always told this was part of the scholarship and didn't find out that they had done this until a couple years after I graduated. Some familes were detached and arrogant, but the overwhelming majority were generous with their time, money, and concern.

I liked your post, because this is what I found at my son's public magnet school
(They carefully screened their applicants and prospective students.) If you were
at the top 10% of your class, you had a chance to get in. They liked donations, but that was not the determining factor to get into the school. It was grades, behavior, academic interests, and a tough entrance exam.
Their computer science programming class was college work.
We didn't have to pay any tuition, as it was a public school.

Ditto for both of our kid's college. The wealthy were there, but they were all really nice.

[zibazinski]

Drugs, gangs, and bullies are a part of life and your child needs to be able to learn coping skills. SURPRISE, there are still bullies in college and the work force and those that are unprepared are at a loss to deal with them. Am I advocating a 5 year old getting beat up or being exposed to cocaine? No, but somewhere along the way they need to learn about these things and how to cope with them. I was TOTALLY unprepared for life outside my family when I was sent to college. I was "hit on" by a lesbian and had no clue what even one was, let alone how to cope with unwanted attentions by EITHER sex. Nevertheless, I vote for the private school experience.

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 29, 2011 7:54:42 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Drugs, gangs, and bullies are a part of life and your child needs to be able to learn coping skills. SURPRISE, there are still bullies in college and the work force and those that are unprepared are at a loss to deal with them. Am I advocating a 5 year old getting beat up or being exposed to cocaine? No, but somewhere along the way they need to learn about these things and how to cope with them. .

At the risk of getting a bit off topic, this is actually a very good point. (There are bullies in private schools as well, btw) There has been so much in the news lately about the bullying issue. I asked my husband, "We had bullies when I was a kid. Are kids today overly pampered?"

How is a kid going to learn to deal with a horrible boss? Is his mother going to go to the office and tell the boss off?

[kdamron]

I spent four years in a private Catholic school. We moved to a small town when I was in Jr. High and I had to go back to public school. I tested College level on every assessment test they gave me. If it is a good school the eduction he will get can put him far ahead in the real world. I say go for it!

Southernsusana - in regards to your XBF post, I have a good friends whose in-laws home schooled their two boys (fraternal twins). One was brilliant, tested in the top 5% or so in everything. The second was (is) bi-polar and has other issues. The first one was accepted with a full scholarship to MIT among other difficult to get into schools. His mother convinced him to to go UT Arlington to be close to his brother.

I'm still mad about it and it's not my kid!

[Phoenix84]

I went to an upper middle class public high school. Even there you always had the small group of kids who had a chip on their shoulder about everyone being “richer” than they were. Those kids often started trouble. Not saying your son would, but it may happen.

On the other hand, how many of us keep in touch with the people we met in high school. The education has a longer lasting impact.

[zibazinski]

I would give my child an opportunity like that in a New York minute!!! There's always going to be smarter, richer, prettier, taller, more athletic, you name it, it's there, people out there. That is called "life." I was smart and went to an "idiot" school because of ignorant and disinterested parents even when told by teachers to put me elsewhere. I never reached my true potential and I blame them and their lack of caring as well as treating me like a freak. DS went to a prep magnet high school and worked hard and learned a lot. DD did the same, both were super prepared for college. They both wanted to go to the "dummy" high school but I said "no" and insisted they go to the challenging one. Both are grateful NOW. But THAT is NOW not then when I was the "mean" mommy. Yes, because I was single, we had less money than the kids that drove to school in mom's used BMW/Lexus. Oh, well, they both still had friends, were on teams, and were liked. Were there nasty snobs? Sure, but there were at the dummy high school as well. That education was worth the commute and anything extra I had to give them. That is what good parents want for their children, the best possible out there.

[daylight]

I think it's very weird that we accept as YM wisdom that a lack of something will motivate adult moochers, while we suppose that a lack of something will do some irreparable damage to young children.

Would a young kid feel bad about not being able to go to Brazil or Italy? Most likely. But he will also learn to accept the financial boundaries of his family and it will motivate the kid to get an education thru which he will eventually be able to afford that trip...with the necessary parental guidance.

I can't imagine a private school offering so many extracurricular stuff at a fee that would frustrate the kid on a daily basis. And who says you can't do a family trip to a closer location while the school is in Brazil? Isn't child rearing also about teaching kids how to manage difficulties in life?

And as others pointed out...most people do keep in contact with their HS mates...at least more regularly than with complete strangers. I know I do meet about 25% of my class without planning per year.

I can see how the not-so-rich kids can start trouble, re: phenoix84's post, but I still think it's better to learn how to deal with this in HS than in the following years...because eventually, you will have to deal with this. I mean, people must have feelings about their social status and part of it is being happy with where you are or at least not resentful towards those who have it better than you. It comes down to this, mostly. I hope you're still reading laralei, maybe we were able to offer a different (if sometimes harsh) perspective.

[suziq38]

Mar 29, 2011 9:39:44 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

I went to an upper middle class public high school. Even there you always had the small group of kids who had a chip on their shoulder about everyone being “richer” than they were. Those kids often started trouble. Not saying your son would, but it may happen.

On the other hand, how many of us keep in touch with the people we met in high school. The education has a longer lasting impact.

I agree.

[suziq38]

Mar 29, 2011 12:24:10 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I would give my child an opportunity like that in a New York minute!!! There's always going to be smarter, richer, prettier, taller, more athletic, you name it, it's there, people out there. That is called "life." I was smart and went to an "idiot" school because of ignorant and disinterested parents even when told by teachers to put me elsewhere. I never reached my true potential and I blame them and their lack of caring as well as treating me like a freak. DS went to a prep magnet high school and worked hard and learned a lot. DD did the same, both were super prepared for college. They both wanted to go to the "dummy" high school but I said "no" and insisted they go to the challenging one. Both are grateful NOW. But THAT is NOW not then when I was the "mean" mommy. Yes, because I was single, we had less money than the kids that drove to school in mom's used BMW/Lexus. Oh, well, they both still had friends, were on teams, and were liked. Were there nasty snobs? Sure, but there were at the dummy high school as well. That education was worth the commute and anything extra I had to give them. That is what good parents want for their children, the best possible out there.

Zib,
Well said.
The education and the best "fit" for the child is what is important.
Do not be fearful and place your kid in a less academic school because you couldn't keep up with the Joneses at the wealthier school.