Mommy Dearest...

[The Captain]

So, I am blessed with one child.

One, 12yo, extremely strong willed child.

One, 12yo, extremely strong willed child who thinks it's far more important to be texting her friends than remembering to do her chores.

One 12yo, who thus has had her smart phone taken away by mommy dearest because it's obviously too much of a distraction.

She's been without it since Sunday.  Sunday she was an absolute bear for the rest of the day.  However, we have had an, umm - shall we say - change of attitude over the past two days.

Hell, she even volunteered to do a few things without being told!!! 

She hasn't asked for it back once, I think she knew I was about ready to pop a blood vessel.

So, what say you EE fiends?  How long do I milk this improvement and when should I give the phone back?

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Good for you. And since she's volunteering to do some chores, and hasn't asked for it back, I'd say give her til the weekend - just to let her know you mean business.

And when it's returned, remind her that if there is a next time, that week of no phone will turn into 2 - or a month.

(Yeah, I'd be a rotten mommy dearest too).

[ken a.k.a OMK]

I didn't have these distractions when I was a kid. They didn't exist.

[andi9899]

Apr 8, 2015 16:17:38 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Good for you. And since she's volunteering to do some chores, and hasn't asked for it back, I'd say give her til the weekend - just to let her know you mean business.

And when it's returned, remind her that if there is a next time, that week of no phone will turn into 2 - or a month.

(Yeah, I'd be a rotten mommy dearest too).

This. Then again, I'm a mommy dearest too.

[NancysSummerSip]

Apr 8, 2015 16:21:53 GMT -5 ken a.k.a OMK said:

I didn't have these distractions when I was a kid. They didn't exist.

Back in them horse-and-wagon days, eh?



Captain, you do what you have to do. Next time, the phone goes, plus something else. Like maybe her computer or tablet, or whatever she uses in her room or for general purpose online stuff while in the house. Keep upping the ante, so to speak. Sorry, child. You have a lot of privileges here. But you also have chores. It's the price of living here. First world problems, kiddo. Don't like it? Captain and Mr. Captain can ship you one-way to a much harsher place, where they have no clue what a cell phone is, much less the electricity required to charge it up.

[The Captain]

ken a.k.a OMK - I know, right?  We had one landline with the phone attached to a wall when I was her age.  Since it was pretty much monopolized by my brother (5 years older than me) and then my sister (10 months younger than me) I never became one too dependent on the phone.

So, @sroo4 says give it back now, ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ says wait until the weekend.

Hmm, am I nice or a bitch? 

This isn't the first time she's had it taken away, it's just been the first time she hasn't been an absolute terror about it.  Not sure what changed.

Maybe I give time off for good behavior?

[saveinla]

I would be suspicious and make sure she is not using some other method to communicate with her friends - maybe that's why she is not a bear 

[busymom]

LOL! I was thinking the same as saveinla!  (Any chance one of her friends loaned her a phone, or she got a "burn" phone?) 

BTW, how long did you originally tell her she'd be without a phone?  Whatever you told her (a week), stick to your guns!  And, way to go!    (I'm a "mean" mom, too.)

[The Captain]

Apr 8, 2015 16:31:10 GMT -5 saveinla said:

I would be suspicious and make sure she is not using some other method to communicate with her friends - maybe that's why she is not a bear 

Well, DH is IT and we have her convinced we can monitor her internet usage.  He's actually caught her posting on some website a few times after she was supposed to be asleep so she honestly thinks we have this nailed.   Truth is this can be done, we just haven't bothered since we moved to this house.

So the old fashioned telephone is it, and I'm ok with that.  She can only talk to one person at a time and can't find out whatever stimpy is posting to his youtube channel. 

There's also something with minecraft that she's missing out on.   And some kind of chat/whatever.  Silly kid borrows my phone from time to time (when hers runs out of juice) logs into all of her accounts and doesn't log out.

I've TOLD her I see everything and she seems to be ok with that.  I really don't snoop but I have to open the screens to exit and I'm a stupid fast reader.

We had the "The internet is a potentially dangerous place" chat with her when we removed the nannyware from her computer.  At some point we will have to just trust her judgement.

So yea, the landline or smoke signals it is...

[billisonboard]

Apr 8, 2015 16:31:10 GMT -5 saveinla said:

I would be suspicious and make sure she is not using some other method to communicate with her friends - maybe that's why she is not a bear 

I am reading that the chores are getting done. If that is the goal, what else matters?

[The Captain]

Apr 8, 2015 16:42:38 GMT -5 busymom said:

LOL! I was thinking the same as saveinla!  (Any chance one of her friends loaned her a phone, or she got a "burn" phone?) 

BTW, how long did you originally tell her she'd be without a phone?  Whatever you told her (a week), stick to your guns!  And, way to go!    (I'm a "mean" mom, too.)

I said a week because this was not the first time.  Thing is, she's really!!! been good the past few days.

You mean 12yo's have extra smart phones laying around to lend to their friends?

[NoNamePerson]

If it will make you feel better my son still refers to me as Mommie Dearest. I sign all cards that way too 

Oh, and he's older than most of the pEEps that post here!! Let her live to make 21 and all will be well.....

[kittensaver]

Apr 8, 2015 16:46:33 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Apr 8, 2015 16:42:38 GMT -5 busymom said:

LOL! I was thinking the same as saveinla!  (Any chance one of her friends loaned her a phone, or she got a "burn" phone?) 

BTW, how long did you originally tell her she'd be without a phone?  Whatever you told her (a week), stick to your guns!  And, way to go!    (I'm a "mean" mom, too.)

I said a week because this was not the first time.  Thing is, she's really!!! been good the past few days.

You mean 12yo's have extra smart phones laying around to lend to their friends?

Stick with what you said when you took it away. If you don't, the only thing she will learn is that she can *play* you with really!!! good behavior. Not a pretty road to start down . . . just sayin' . . .

[sesfw]

Stick to what you told her at the beginning, otherwise she can *play* you with really!!! good behavior.

Another thing I have heard of when taking away different electronic toys is taking away the chargers and cables.  Too much work to remove the computers and TVs but the cables are very easy. 

My niece has a 'no electronics' rule at the dining table for everyone.  As much as possible meals are a family affair.

Continue being mommy dearest ...... someday she will thank you.  But don't look for the thanks very soon.  LOL

[mmhmm]

Another "Mommy Dearest" here. If you said it would be a week, it needs to be a week. I really believe consistency is important and kids need to know, for sure, you'll keep your word, for better or for worse. Hang in there. It sounds like she's getting the message.

[Peace Of Mind]

Apr 8, 2015 16:06:58 GMT -5 The Captain said:

So, I am blessed with one child.

One, 12yo, extremely strong willed child.

One, 12yo, extremely strong willed child who thinks it's far more important to be texting her friends than remembering to do her chores.

One 12yo, who thus has had her smart phone taken away by mommy dearest because it's obviously too much of a distraction.

She's been without it since Sunday.  Sunday she was an absolute bear for the rest of the day.  However, we have had an, umm - shall we say - change of attitude over the past two days.

Hell, she even volunteered to do a few things without being told!!! 

She hasn't asked for it back once, I think she knew I was about ready to pop a blood vessel.

So, what say you EE fiends?  How long do I milk this improvement and when should I give the phone back?

Never! And bring out the coat hangers for good measure if she starts slacking again!     

[billisonboard]

My ex and I were almost hit head on by her 17 year old daughter who was driving my truck back from the . She was obviously messing with her phone. We turned around. She had pulled over knowing we would turn around. We took her phone and told her to drive straight home; that we would be home later. The ex and I discussed the consequence. Since I was working on the other side of the state, it would be up to my ex to enforce whatever. She decided she could enforce a month of no driving. Five days later I get a call they had been in a minor accident. The daughter had run a red light. She was driving because my ex was tired. (I thought, yeah, tired of being a good parent.)

[dannylion]

I'd wait until she's painted the living room and retiled the bathroom to give it back to her.

[Peace77]

Keep your word.  

At most, give it back to her a few hours early.

Don't do it now or she will learn that you don't mean what you say AND that you can be manipulated so that she can get what she wants.
 
Those aren't the kind of things you want her to learn.  

[justme]

My older brother found out that if he just waited ten minutes or so and then came out with a sad face and apologized that he got out of most punishments. Maybe that's why he flunked out of college, lol.

The stubborn streak was strong with me and I was all about the sorry not sorry before it was a thing. I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling most times I was told to say sorry and I remember once screaming that I wasn't sorry at all and slamming my door shut. Lol. That plus I was content to sit in my room and read.

[The Captain]

Whelp, another day and she still hasn't asked for it back.  I'm thinking I'll make her wait the whole week.

FWIW - yes I am almost always consistent in following through on my "promises".

[thyme4change]

Give her until the weekend and make her sign a list of cell phone rules.  The punishment being that eventually the phone will disappear all together.  She would still have the ability to get a babysitting job and buy a prepaid, but only a prepaid flip phone.  

[The Captain]

Apr 9, 2015 8:03:20 GMT -5 justme said:

My older brother found out that if he just waited ten minutes or so and then came out with a sad face and apologized that he got out of most punishments. Maybe that's why he flunked out of college, lol.

The stubborn streak was strong with me and I was all about the sorry not sorry before it was a thing. I couldn't stop my eyes from rolling most times I was told to say sorry and I remember once screaming that I wasn't sorry at all and slamming my door shut. Lol. That plus I was content to sit in my room and read.

DD has the same defective gene, and I gotta be honest - it's a hot button with me.

I can't even begin to count the number of times I've warned her not to roll her eyes at me only to get a huge sigh and - you guessed it - an epic eye roll.

Kiddo doesn't realize how much her momma is exercising control.  She just gets sent to her room.

She's 12, gawd help me.  I have at least 6 more years until I can legally kick her out (just kidding!)

(for the most part she's a good kid, it's just when her evil twin makes an appearance).

[thyme4change]

Oh - I think you should also give her a few more chores - permanently.  

[The Captain]

Apr 9, 2015 8:12:53 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Oh - I think you should also give her a few more chores - permanently.  

DH and I are at odd on this.  He's of the opinion I had an abnormal childhood, and who knows, maybe I did.  I think kiddo can do more.

My mom had an accident that ultimately ended up with nerve damage to both her arms.  She has maybe 30% use of one arm and maybe 40% use of the other.  Lifting anything heavy was out of the question.

So Sis and I did everything around the house.  We did all the laundry, I did all the ironing (Dad's work shirts and pants) and cooking.  Sis would clean the kitchen afterward.  We cleaned the house together each Saturday (I still remember what the floor tile patterns look like to this day).  This started when I was 10.  By the time I was 12 I was able to put a full Thanksgiving meal on the table by myself.  Basically sis and I did everything except grocery shopping (we'd carry), pay the bills and do the route books for Dad's work - Mom did that stuff.

I also took care of all the yard work except mowing.  Dad actually enjoyed doing that on his day off.

Kiddo's jobs are to clean litterboxes every day, feed the cats and give them fresh water daily, sort laundry on weekends (she can do laundry but we usually end up helping) empty the dishwasher as needed.  Homework, daily reading, flute practice are also required.  I'm teaching her how to iron and she does a mean job on cloth napkins! She helps out with other stuff when asked like spring yard work last weekend.

We have a cleaning service so really the only "cleaning" that needs to be done is the kitchen after we cook, and DH and I usually (well DH more) take care of that.

I think kiddo should be learning to cook more and could have more prep and stuff done when DH gets home.  He's not comfortable with that and I won't press the issue.  We'll circle around again maybe when she's 14.

What other chores do you think are appropriate for a 12yo?

[thyme4change]

My kids are 10 and 12.  My kids do their own laundry - start to finish.  But I still do mine and my husband's.  

Does she stack the dishwasher?  Do you have any hand-washed dishes that you do?  She could do both of those.  
Do you set the table for dinner?  
Do you have any outside chores - sweeping the walkway, etc?
Take out the garbage?  Especially if you have to collect it from around the house.

Is there anything your cleaning people seems to suck at?  I looked at the toe kick of my kitchen cabinets a couple of days ago - clearly my cleaning lady doesn't know they exist.  Maybe every week or so she could be given a "deep cleaning" chore.  

Does she need to purge her room of clothes that don't fit, or toys that don't get used?

[Blonde Granny]

I say give her the phone back this weekend, and add to it some wire hangars for her closet. If she doesn't understand the hangars, tell her the balance of her punishment is to watch " Mommy Dearest" from start to finish.

I still sign emails to my son "MD"

[kittensaver]

Having raised two teenage girls, my personal opinion is that the chores they should be doing should relate directly to things they need to learn in order to 1) take care of themselves and 2) live peacefully with a roommate or spouse after they fly the nest.

So caring for animals, keeping their bedroom and bathroom tidy, doing their own laundry, making sure their personal stuff is not carelessly scattered all over the house, and whatever meal chores to which they seem best suited (cooking, dishes, etc) should all be on the list. On nights she does not help with meal prep she can do dishes; on nights she does dishes she is excused from meal prep. She is also old enough to start making her own lunches for school. And snacks after school.

I know you said your DH feels she's too young to prepare meals, but there is no reason why she cannot help out in prep (chop veggies, make a salad). By the time I was 14 years old, I was making dinner every night for my family (6 people). My mother was tired of it and was not a particularly good cook, I really liked doing it, and it got me out of almost all other house chores - so I went for it. But no one forced me - I embraced it. This is definitely an area where you should consider her talents and preferences; if she's interested and good at it, gradually loosen the reins. If she hates it and/or has no talent for it, you can make sure that she at least has the minimal basics to survive (how to toast bread, scramble eggs, make a salad, make a sandwich, toss a chicken into the oven).

There are other things that it is good for her to know (ironing tablecloths and napkins for holiday dinners, setting a holiday table for a large meal, how to polish great-grandmas silver platter, how to vacuum/dust/polish/scrub, how to do deep cleaning in the house - carpets, drapes, floorboards, windows, etc) but I would definitely NOT routinely put that level of house maintenance on her. She does need time to be a kid and develop herself academically, musically and personally. Sounds like your routine with her is very reasonable.

But as always, YMMV.

[kittensaver]

Apr 8, 2015 19:23:21 GMT -5 sesfw said:

Another thing I have heard of when taking away different electronic toys is taking away the chargers and cables.  Too much work to remove the computers and TVs but the cables are very easy. 

Um, you've never been faced with a devious child, have you? For a smart and/or determined child, getting their hands on another charger or power cable for their device(s) is NOT difficult, and they can sneak around you and use the device while you're not watching or while they are out somewhere (like at a friend's house).

JMHO - better to take the device.

[NoNamePerson]

DH and I are at odd on this. He's of the opinion I had an abnormal childhood, and who knows, maybe I did. 

OMG, my EX said this to me one time. I just fired back that "if your family is normal then I'm glad I missed the experience"   

Nothing to add and OT so carry on