NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 9, 2015 11:44:08 GMT -5
I think meal prep is fine for a 12-year-old. How dextrous/safe she is around knives is something only you would know. But I'd certainly get her started on it.
And your childhood was somewhat different. Abnormal - maybe, maybe not, in that your mother's mobility was limited and you had a larger share of chores than average. Not a bad or abusive childhood, just different. And I don't think, given that I've met you, it scarred you in any way. Made you tougher and expecting more of your kid; less of a BFF and more of a parent to your kid. I don't personally think there's anything wrong with greater expectations of kids these days.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Apr 9, 2015 12:28:16 GMT -5
Oh - I think you should also give her a few more chores - permanently. DH and I are at odd on this. He's of the opinion I had an abnormal childhood, and who knows, maybe I did. I think kiddo can do more. My mom had an accident that ultimately ended up with nerve damage to both her arms. She has maybe 30% use of one arm and maybe 40% use of the other. Lifting anything heavy was out of the question. So Sis and I did everything around the house. We did all the laundry, I did all the ironing (Dad's work shirts and pants) and cooking. Sis would clean the kitchen afterward. We cleaned the house together each Saturday (I still remember what the floor tile patterns look like to this day). This started when I was 10. By the time I was 12 I was able to put a full Thanksgiving meal on the table by myself. Basically sis and I did everything except grocery shopping (we'd carry), pay the bills and do the route books for Dad's work - Mom did that stuff. I also took care of all the yard work except mowing. Dad actually enjoyed doing that on his day off. Kiddo's jobs are to clean litterboxes every day, feed the cats and give them fresh water daily, sort laundry on weekends (she can do laundry but we usually end up helping) empty the dishwasher as needed. Homework, daily reading, flute practice are also required. I'm teaching her how to iron and she does a mean job on cloth napkins! She helps out with other stuff when asked like spring yard work last weekend. We have a cleaning service so really the only "cleaning" that needs to be done is the kitchen after we cook, and DH and I usually (well DH more) take care of that. I think kiddo should be learning to cook more and could have more prep and stuff done when DH gets home. He's not comfortable with that and I won't press the issue. We'll circle around again maybe when she's 14. What other chores do you think are appropriate for a 12yo? This sounds about right. I had to set the table every night, dust the main level of the house every weekend & mow the field during the warm months. The field was about 3 acres & it was a riding mower. I also had to do my homework & keep my room clean. I also cooked dinner one night a week but that was because I wanted to & I'm fairly certain my family wished I wouldn't some of the time.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 9, 2015 13:55:48 GMT -5
This sounds about right. I had to set the table every night, dust the main level of the house every weekend & mow the field during the warm months. The field was about 3 acres & it was a riding mower. I also had to do my homework & keep my room clean. I also cooked dinner one night a week but that was because I wanted to & I'm fairly certain my family wished I wouldn't some of the time. This sounds more reasonable. Captain, I agree with your hubby, I think you did a LOT more work than most kids and probably way, way, way more than your daughter's friends and contemporaries.
I worry about burdening children with tons of chores every day. i'd rather teach them planning. So i'd rather (age appropriate) have some chores that might be daily (clean kitchen after dinner), but mostly focus on few dailies and more "each week you need to do x, y, z). if you want to bust those out Monday and Tuesday night and spend the weekend on the coach COUCH (not OK with the coach) watching tv, that's cool with me. if you want to put it off until sunday, then you'll spend 1/2 the day sunday doing them.
I know I don't find that I want to do a bunch fo chores every night. sure, we cook, do bedtime routine, get mail every night, but I pay bills once a week, take trash out once a week, do laundry 1-2x per week, etc. most chores seem like they lend themselves to weekly with control over when I feel like doing it, vs, every, single GD day I have to rally and do something, even if i'm tired or doing something more rewarding.
Yea, but if I'm reasonable what is she going to be able to complain to her kids about? I mean she doesn't have to get up at 4am to milk the cows or walk uphill in the rain to and from school?
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Apr 9, 2015 16:20:34 GMT -5
At 12, she should know how to dust & vacuum, wash windows, plan and cook a simple meal such as spaghetti or grilled cheese sandwich.
To help prepare dinner, she can make a salad, peel vegetables, and set the table. If your husband is afraid of her using a knife, perhaps a simple food processor such as an onion chopper or ceramic knife would be safer. Has he seen the TV show Masterchef Jr.? The kids are amazing cooks ages 8-12.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 9, 2015 16:26:52 GMT -5
At 12, she should know how to dust & vacuum, wash windows, plan and cook a simple meal such as spaghetti or grilled cheese sandwich. To help prepare dinner, she can make a salad, peel vegetables, and set the table. If your husband is afraid of her using a knife, perhaps a simple food processor such as an onion chopper or ceramic knife would be safer. Has he seen the TV show Masterchef Jr.? The kids are amazing cooks ages 8-12. Hell, I don't even do windows . She can make matzo ball soup, basted, scrambled, fried, and hard boiled eggs and toast. She can also do mac n cheese out of a box. She's actually pretty good with prep but DH doesn't want her doing it alone. Oh yea, she can toast pop tarts and pour a mean bowl of cereal. She can clean bathrooms and run a vacuum. Dusting, not so good at yet. That's a function of the whole cleaning lady thing. We clean bathrooms, kitchen, and vac when guests come over. Everything else - meh. She actually loves to watch Masterchef Jr with DH and says she'd love to learn to cook more...but when we ask her to come in the kitchen and help it's whiiiinnnee!
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Apr 9, 2015 17:14:31 GMT -5
Well, knowing how to do something and actually doing it aren't quite the same. It's good to know how even if it doesn't get done.
I wish that my Mom had trusted me to learn how to iron clothing but I was never allowed to do anything more than pillowcases. It was my MIL who taught me how to iron shirts.
I suggest asking her to plan what she would like to cook (or learn to cook) and pick a day to do it. Somehow, it's more interesting and exciting when you come up with the idea than when someone else says when and what to do.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Apr 9, 2015 18:20:23 GMT -5
My mom had me helping with basic chores (vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes, etc) when at a fairly early age (depending on the task).
As for cooking, she was a fabulous cook/baker, and I wanted to learn - so helping her with that, and her teaching me simple recipes and how to do certain dishes (such as eggs, french toast, vegatables, etc) started early too. I also started helping with the prep work (peeling vegetables, learning about cooking times/temps etc since she would show me the steps as she was doing it.
As for baking, she taught me how to properly mix a cake, or roll a pie crust, etc, mixing/eye-balling ingredients, testing done-ness, etc.
When it came to ironing, my father was a teacher, and wore a clean, pressed white shirt to work every work day. 2 of my 3 brothers were decade older than me, so they were also working part-time and also needed pressed shirts.
Mom showed me the proper way to iron a shirt, (even before perma-press). I was probably earning most of my allowance money by pressing shirts by the time I was 12ish.
I can turn out a freshly ironed shirt in less than 5 min.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 10, 2015 8:47:33 GMT -5
Use foods/dishes she likes and build on that. The matzoh ball soup thing is hilarious. I'd challenge her to a contest, if I was closer to you. She likes the mac and cheese, so start with that; teach her the scratch version by showing her how to make a bechamel sauce. A little more time-consuming, but she will appreciate it later.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 10, 2015 9:04:43 GMT -5
Use foods/dishes she likes and build on that. The matzoh ball soup thing is hilarious. I'd challenge her to a contest, if I was closer to you. She likes the mac and cheese, so start with that; teach her the scratch version by showing her how to make a bechamel sauce. A little more time-consuming, but she will appreciate it later. You do realize we're goyim, right? (Did I say that correctly?) The matzoh ball soup is from a box and you should would win hands down. I only make mac n cheese from scratch - and DD brags about it to her friends (yes I use bacon in it too!). But again, no desire yet to learn how to do it. The idea of letting her pick and cook one meal a week is one I really like, I think I'll work on that! Hmmm, thanks - you've given me a pretty neat idea for a new thread!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 10, 2015 9:12:46 GMT -5
Use foods/dishes she likes and build on that. The matzoh ball soup thing is hilarious. I'd challenge her to a contest, if I was closer to you. She likes the mac and cheese, so start with that; teach her the scratch version by showing her how to make a bechamel sauce. A little more time-consuming, but she will appreciate it later. You do realize we're goyim, right? (Did I say that correctly?) The matzoh ball soup is from a box and you should would win hands down. I only make mac n cheese from scratch - and DD brags about it to her friends (yes I use bacon in it too!). But again, no desire yet to learn how to do it. The idea of letting her pick and cook one meal a week is one I really like, I think I'll work on that! Hmmm, thanks - you've given me a pretty neat idea for a new thread! Of course I knew you were goyim. And FWIW, I use the box mix, too. Just doll it up a bit. And I also like the one-meal-a-week-on-her idea. It should be anything she wants, no complaining from mom and dad. Hmmm....can you guys handle a breakfast for dinner type of thing? Would that make your DH less nervous in terms of the prep?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 10, 2015 9:21:39 GMT -5
You do realize we're goyim, right? (Did I say that correctly?) The matzoh ball soup is from a box and you should would win hands down. I only make mac n cheese from scratch - and DD brags about it to her friends (yes I use bacon in it too!). But again, no desire yet to learn how to do it. The idea of letting her pick and cook one meal a week is one I really like, I think I'll work on that! Hmmm, thanks - you've given me a pretty neat idea for a new thread! Of course I knew you were goyim. And FWIW, I use the box mix, too. Just doll it up a bit. And I also like the one-meal-a-week-on-her idea. It should be anything she wants, no complaining from mom and dad. Hmmm....can you guys handle a breakfast for dinner type of thing? Would that make your DH less nervous in terms of the prep? Nooooooooo! My image of you is totally shattered! We do brinner every now and then so I think that's good, and yes - If she cooks it's only fair she gets to choose. DH is worried about her cutting an artery or burning the house down, nothing major...
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 10, 2015 9:24:13 GMT -5
Not sure if this is the case, but maybe give her a recipe and set her free to cook it and just check in on her. I was younger than your daughter when I kicked my mom out because I knew what to do and it was so annoying to have her stand over my shoulder and watch. I said something along the lines of - if you're not going to do something you can get out of the kitchen and stop staring at me.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Apr 11, 2015 9:46:22 GMT -5
yea give phone back with the warning - "if you slip back into not completing your chores, then the phone goes away again for longer time"
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Apr 12, 2015 2:27:35 GMT -5
LOL! I was thinking the same as saveinla! (Any chance one of her friends loaned her a phone, or she got a "burn" phone?)
BTW, how long did you originally tell her she'd be without a phone? Whatever you told her (a week), stick to your guns! And, way to go! (I'm a "mean" mom, too.) I said a week because this was not the first time. Thing is, she's really!!! been good the past few days. You mean 12yo's have extra smart phones laying around to lend to their friends? Yes, they do. Or iPods. My son got his phone taken away once and I saw him post on FB. I asked him how he was posting since he had his computer taken away as well. He told me his friend lent him his iPod touch and that I only said he was grounded from the phone and computer, not an iPod touch.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Apr 12, 2015 10:25:27 GMT -5
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 13, 2015 8:20:42 GMT -5
Good gravy, I think I've said every one of those at one point or another myself! I HAVE to show this to DD, if only to prove that I'm not the only one out there that thinks like this.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 13, 2015 10:48:53 GMT -5
Of course I knew you were goyim. And FWIW, I use the box mix, too. Just doll it up a bit. And I also like the one-meal-a-week-on-her idea. It should be anything she wants, no complaining from mom and dad. Hmmm....can you guys handle a breakfast for dinner type of thing? Would that make your DH less nervous in terms of the prep? Nooooooooo! My image of you is totally shattered! We do brinner every now and then so I think that's good, and yes - If she cooks it's only fair she gets to choose. DH is worried about her cutting an artery or burning the house down, nothing major... Hell, I've been cooking for many years and I'm pretty shocked I haven't burned the house down yet. I have cut and burned myself too many times to count.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Apr 13, 2015 23:24:30 GMT -5
so ummmm... mommy dearest - how is the wire hanger situation?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 14, 2015 8:17:37 GMT -5
*ahem* We had a major storm on Thursday, tornadoes touched down north of us, sirens etc. OF COURSE I had to work late that night and DH was at an event downtown. DD called me when the storm warning came up on the news and told me she was going to the basement. Kiddo was scared. When I got home (tornado warning still active) she was still up and downstairs. We had water come in one window (window well filled up). Kiddo had gotten a bunch of old towels to sop up the water before it could run too far and pretty much had it all soaked up. Oh - and she also brought the cat's food and water downstairs to coax them down and closed the door to keep them safe in the basement with her. This and the towels she figured out on her own. She knew which interior room to go to should an watch/alert come up. So, since she used really good judgement and kept her head on straight she got the phone back Saturday instead of Sunday. Yea, I'm a pushover. In other news she helped with this weeks meal plan and is responsible for Brinner Friday night!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 14, 2015 11:09:18 GMT -5
*ahem* We had a major storm on Thursday, tornadoes touched down north of us, sirens etc. OF COURSE I had to work late that night and DH was at an event downtown. DD called me when the storm warning came up on the news and told me she was going to the basement. Kiddo was scared. When I got home (tornado warning still active) she was still up and downstairs. We had water come in one window (window well filled up). Kiddo had gotten a bunch of old towels to sop up the water before it could run too far and pretty much had it all soaked up. Oh - and she also brought the cat's food and water downstairs to coax them down and closed the door to keep them safe in the basement with her. This and the towels she figured out on her own. She knew which interior room to go to should an watch/alert come up. So, since she used really good judgement and kept her head on straight she got the phone back Saturday instead of Sunday. Yea, I'm a pushover. In other news she helped with this weeks meal plan and is responsible for Brinner Friday night! I'd give her good credit points for thinking like an adult when it came time to do so in an emergency situation. Those tornadoes, although they were north of you, were devastating. And no telling where they could have landed. This time, it was not your turn. Maybe a treat or something special this weekend to let her know you were proud of how she handled herself in the tornado warning?
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Apr 14, 2015 18:05:02 GMT -5
Oh - I think you should also give her a few more chores - permanently. DH and I are at odd on this. He's of the opinion I had an abnormal childhood, and who knows, maybe I did. I think kiddo can do more. My mom had an accident that ultimately ended up with nerve damage to both her arms. She has maybe 30% use of one arm and maybe 40% use of the other. Lifting anything heavy was out of the question. So Sis and I did everything around the house. We did all the laundry, I did all the ironing (Dad's work shirts and pants) and cooking. Sis would clean the kitchen afterward. We cleaned the house together each Saturday (I still remember what the floor tile patterns look like to this day). This started when I was 10. By the time I was 12 I was able to put a full Thanksgiving meal on the table by myself. Basically sis and I did everything except grocery shopping (we'd carry), pay the bills and do the route books for Dad's work - Mom did that stuff. I also took care of all the yard work except mowing. Dad actually enjoyed doing that on his day off. Kiddo's jobs are to clean litterboxes every day, feed the cats and give them fresh water daily, sort laundry on weekends (she can do laundry but we usually end up helping) empty the dishwasher as needed. Homework, daily reading, flute practice are also required. I'm teaching her how to iron and she does a mean job on cloth napkins! She helps out with other stuff when asked like spring yard work last weekend. We have a cleaning service so really the only "cleaning" that needs to be done is the kitchen after we cook, and DH and I usually (well DH more) take care of that. I think kiddo should be learning to cook more and could have more prep and stuff done when DH gets home. He's not comfortable with that and I won't press the issue. We'll circle around again maybe when she's 14. What other chores do you think are appropriate for a 12yo? I have to chime in on this. His statement really just pressed a big, fat button for me. My grandma was basically paralyzed for several years after a car accident in the 50's. My mom did the same thing as you and dealt with the household chores the same as me. My parents divorced when I was 7-8 ish. Mom worked lots of jobs and hours to put food on the table and pay the bills. I have no issue at all with what you were doing The Captain. I did the laundry, cooked the meals and cleaned the house while I watched my 5yr OLDER brother. We also delivered newspapers and had 2 separate paper routes. So it just baffles me when people say that they can't conceive of them letting their child learn basic skills. I started helping my mom when I was 4 or 5 so I had a decent grasp on how to cook and read the directions on the interior of the washing machine. Do people really forget their history? Children have been doing labor for centuries. Just because we are in a more convenient place in time does not help them when they attempt to move out on their own.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 15, 2015 8:26:20 GMT -5
snapdragon - I appreciate the sentiment. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way. As far as DH pushing a big fat button for you, don't let him. I'm the only one whose buttons he gets to push ! In all seriousness, we actually agree on a lot with respect to child rearing. So it's when we disagree, that things stand out. You did hit it on the nail about history though. DH's family was a little higher up the socioecomonic ladder than was mine for the last few generations so I think it was more routine for them to hire help then have the kids do so. Another thing is, IMHO, the shift of our culture from more rural (kids helping out on the farm) to more urban. Sis and Dad live in farm country now and have friends that have kids that do all kids of chores at which most city parents would be appalled.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Apr 18, 2015 16:07:08 GMT -5
I think I missed the answer?
did you give back the phone?
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Apr 18, 2015 16:09:56 GMT -5
I think I missed the answer? did you give back the phone? Post #50
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on Apr 18, 2015 16:21:15 GMT -5
I just re-read post #50 I skipped that line she got the phone back! Thanks
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 22, 2015 8:58:03 GMT -5
Whelp... Her grade in English has slipped to a C. A freaking C!!! She turned in one assignment really late and got half deducted, and has only partially completed the rest of the other because she can't find the rest of the assignment sheets. (For those of you who don't follow my rants, late or missing assignments are a recurring them with DD) So DH took the phone away (as is understood, no grades below a B are tolerated) again. By the time I got home it was full out tween angst: We've ruined her life because of the move (no - she actually has kids to play with now and more friends) We are too hard on her (no - I don't demand straight A's - which she is easily capable of, I just won't tolerate C's) We are too strict (HA! - she has a far different upbringing that I did and doesn't know what strict is!) She was sulky, surly, and pretty much nasty the whole night. We told her if she couldn't be pleasant to be around then she could go to her room, which she did for the whole night. We only sat together for dinner. At one point after she stomped off DH looked at me and said "If I ever acted like that to my parents I would have gotten my face smacked". Truth is I would have been smacked as well. I look back at him and asked "Still don't believe in corporeal punishment?" His reply "She's really making me rethink my position". Note - there is a bit of humor in the preceding two sentences as DD is probably too old now for a good spanking and neither DH nor I would consider hitting someone on the head as a form of punishment as being appropriate. So take it as humor and let's not turn this into a discussion on corporeal punishment, ok? Carry on. I was NOT an angsty drama queen as a teenager so I really have no baseline to have any empathy with. I know part of this is puberty/hormones/teen brain chemical imbalance but man it's so hard to keep remembering that. Gawd help me she's only 12. I've got at least 6 more years of this. Any reading suggestions?
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 22, 2015 9:00:42 GMT -5
Have to add separately - The reason the "C" is unacceptable is Kiddo tested at 8th grade level at the beginning of the freaking school year in this subject.
We found out last week she's skipping 7th grade math so she has the brains.
Ugg.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 22, 2015 9:06:53 GMT -5
Yes, I suggest reading all the brochures on sleep away camps. And maybe some of those that volunteer to build schools in the Philippines or something.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Apr 22, 2015 9:13:05 GMT -5
Yes, I suggest reading all the brochures on sleep away camps. And maybe some of those that volunteer to build schools in the Philippines or something. It's tempting. I'm trying to convince my sister that she needs to experience the joys of parenthood and take kiddo for the summer. Unfortunately sis is too smart for that.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Apr 22, 2015 13:04:42 GMT -5
See Dr. Kevin Lehman's books. He's both wise and funny. They might be at the library. drlehman.com
How to make your kid mind without losing yours How to have a new kid by Friday how to have a new teen by Friday
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