I need to vent.....

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

My dad is not well.  The pancreatic cancer is in a holding pattern, but right now the rest is just totally fucked up.

New Year's day, he wound up in the hospital as septic.  I was visiting a friend 200 miles away for the holiday, and went racing home because they didn't think he was going to live.  His gall bladder was infected, they put a drain in him and pumped him full of antibiotics, and all is good.  So he's got a bad gall bladder, but they can't take it out because his lungs cannot handle surgery.  He has pulmonary fibrosis and is on O2 24/7.  If he has surgery, they'll have to ventilate him and they are afraid that if they do, they won't get him off of it.  However, there is a good possibility that his gall bladder will get infected again.

So he was released from the hospital yesterday with a drain.  I just got a call from his wife that he is now back in the hospital, that his legs turned to gel and he went down.  She had to call EMS to help get him back into bed, and then back to take him to the hospital.  Next step is rehab for a few weeks to strengthen his legs.

She desperately needs help, and I'd be there in a heartbeat, but I just started my new semester and I just can't leave.  If I pull out of classes, the way that the curriculum runs is that I will need to wait until next year to pick things up.  I can't afford another year off, because my disability comes up for review in 2017, and I need to be off of it by then.  Also, this is giving me a purpose and is keeping me from going stark raving mad.....I was not cut out to be a housewife.

TD and I had decided to take a warm vacation at my next break (end of March) for our Christmas this year.  That's not happening because I'll be back in that godforsaken tundra of upstate NY at the end of March instead.  I only have a week off before classes start again, and don't get another break until the end of June.

This sucks, and there's not a damn thing I can do.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

No advice, just sympathy.

[The Captain]

Mich - my absolute deepest sympathies.  It sucks when your best feels like it's not enough.

[bean29]

Hugs. We went through this last year from Thanksgiving to right about this time last year. Dad passed a year ago tomorrow.

What is his prognosis with a bad gall bladder and no ability to remove it?

Do you expect him to end up in a nursing home?   If your step mother can not care for him, tell her not to let them send him home from the rehab to her house. She will end up in the same situation again.

The Medicare/Medicaid rules grant coverage for the nursing home different if released from hospital/rehab to the nursing home than if they go from home to nursing home.

Your semester may be interrupted by your Dad's health issues any way you look at it. 

[snapdragon]

Hugs Mitch --- I'm with you on the sucking part of the parent equation when they are sick and there is really nothing that can be done due to health.  

[Bonny]

Mich, I'm sorry. It truly sucks.



Your father is lucky that he has your stepmother. Go visit him soon. Unfortunately I don't think he's going to last very much longer. Too many parts are failing.

[mmhmm]

I'm so sorry about your dad, Mich. I know how you feel, believe me. All you can do is what you can do. Don't beat yourself up over it. 

[giramomma]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[dannylion]

I'm so sorry, Mich.  I've been where you are and understand. All you can do is the best you can do in the circumstances in which you find yourself.  Don't beat yourself up if you can't do everything; no one can do everything.   Sending good thoughts for you and your family. 

[muttleynfelix]

 Sorry Mich. 

[jeep108]

 

Sorry Mich.

[NancysSummerSip]

Mich, under the circumstances, you really cannot drop your life and go. There are several issues here, the underlying one is the fact that your disability comes up for review in two years. You have to be working at something else, because your financial life will be drastically different if you aren't. That is the basic and most bottom line of it all. No matter how much you love your dad, you cannot sacrifice your financial health and future to rescue someone else.

OK, I'll stand in the way of the flames now, because others will say you can wait another year to start classes again; you'll catch up. Or TD can support you. Or you can work at some other type of job. Or you can cash in whatever funds you have left in savings/retirement and survive on that. And maybe you could do any and all of that.

But none of that is the point.

All of us say we would drop everything to help a deserving loved one. And in reality, I think most of us would, given that all the stars align. Go there during your breaks, if you can and want to give up the vacation time. You will be able to vacation again. But staying long-term with your dad and stepmom will drop you so far back in your aspirations, you may not get another chance. Your stepmother needs to speak with the rehab/hospital folks and find out what resources are there for her. I assume that given the pancreatic issues, hospice is already involved. If not, the organization needs to be called. And I'm not assuming a death wish here. Hospice is an outstanding organization, and you can contact them at any point, once a determination of life-threatening illness has been made. Hospice not only offers services on its own, they can get your stepmom additional help.

[lexxy703]

That is a terrible situation to be in.  I'm sorry.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm so sorry Mich. 

Is there any other family that can help out your stepmom?  I have a vague thought that you have 1-2 sisters.  Maybe you all can co-ordinate to stagger a couple of quickish weekend trips, one of you per month or something? 

[zibazinski]

As a parent myself, I would not want my kids to sacrifice their lives/careers for me. There's nothing you can do but keep on doing what your dad would want you to do-better yourself in life. I'm also going to be the stepmom that cares for someone's father and when DH was in the hospital he DID NOT want his kids there, for many reasons, but one of them was they had busy lives and there was nothing they could do for him anyway but sit and look at him. Not a good use of time.

[taz157]

Jan 15, 2015 11:10:41 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

No advice, just sympathy.

Yeah that. (((((HUGS)))))

[Bonny]

Jan 15, 2015 11:57:18 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Mich, under the circumstances, you really cannot drop your life and go. There are several issues here, the underlying one is the fact that your disability comes up for review in two years. You have to be working at something else, because your financial life will be drastically different if you aren't. That is the basic and most bottom line of it all. No matter how much you love your dad, you cannot sacrifice your financial health and future to rescue someone else.

OK, I'll stand in the way of the flames now, because others will say you can wait another year to start classes again; you'll catch up. Or TD can support you. Or you can work at some other type of job. Or you can cash in whatever funds you have left in savings/retirement and survive on that. And maybe you could do any and all of that.

But none of that is the point.

All of us say we would drop everything to help a deserving loved one. And in reality, I think most of us would, given that all the stars align. Go there during your breaks, if you can and want to give up the vacation time. You will be able to vacation again. But staying long-term with your dad and stepmom will drop you so far back in your aspirations, you may not get another chance. Your stepmother needs to speak with the rehab/hospital folks and find out what resources are there for her. I assume that given the pancreatic issues, hospice is already involved. If not, the organization needs to be called. And I'm not assuming a death wish here. Hospice is an outstanding organization, and you can contact them at any point, once a determination of life-threatening illness has been made. Hospice not only offers services on its own, they can get your stepmom additional help.

Nancy,

I don't think anyone will flame you for what you said. I absolutely agree that Mich has a duty to herself to move forward with her career. Her dad is in good hands with a loving wife and as you point out there are a lot of resources with Hospice.

I do think Mich needs to visit soon but not for a long period of time; perhaps a long weekend, not a week.

 

[wvugurl26]

I'm sorry mich. I know that helpless feeling sucks.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

When I was working, I was able to drop my life and go help my dad when my mom was dying.  I was up there over a month at that time and still kept my job.  My boss was great in that he fed me stuff to do on the computer I had with me, so while I was able to take sick time/funeral leave (I think I had a week for a parent out of town), about half that time I was working from NY.

However, at this time my sister (who at the time had a couple young children and was pregnant at the time)  has kids who are pretty much self sufficient and she is not working.  I REALLY want her to step up to the plate and help since she is in the condition to do so far better than I am right now.  I guess I want her to do this without me asking, but as I am the oldest (and in reality, the one my dad's wife is the most comfortable talking to), I tend to be the 'go to' person.  

At this point, I know that my vacation plans are not happening in March.  I've stopped looking for a place to go because I know I'll be going back to NY.  I don't think I even have a long weekend between now and March to take a long weekend, and just a week into the semester I am already slammed.  Not only that, it is a hell of a long plane ride for me and even with wheelchair assistance through the airport, it is difficult to do alone.

Financially, I feel like I am without a safety net.  My disability is enough to help me a lot but I am under no illusions that I am not being supported by TD.  I HATE this, I would feel much more comfortable knowing that I had a salary I could live on to support myself should anything happen.  He's taken care of me should something happen to him, and I can't imagine anything would happen, but I am ALWAYS looking for contingency plans and always have looked for them.  I have never not had a Plan A, a Plan B and a Plan C and this train of thought has served me well in my life.

Oh, and to make matters worse, my dad's wife's daughter is now in the hospital.  Her life is currently a clusterfuck too, and I know that wife's worried about her too.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jan 15, 2015 13:02:37 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Jan 15, 2015 11:57:18 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Mich, under the circumstances, you really cannot drop your life and go. There are several issues here, the underlying one is the fact that your disability comes up for review in two years. You have to be working at something else, because your financial life will be drastically different if you aren't. That is the basic and most bottom line of it all. No matter how much you love your dad, you cannot sacrifice your financial health and future to rescue someone else.

OK, I'll stand in the way of the flames now, because others will say you can wait another year to start classes again; you'll catch up. Or TD can support you. Or you can work at some other type of job. Or you can cash in whatever funds you have left in savings/retirement and survive on that. And maybe you could do any and all of that.

But none of that is the point.

All of us say we would drop everything to help a deserving loved one. And in reality, I think most of us would, given that all the stars align. Go there during your breaks, if you can and want to give up the vacation time. You will be able to vacation again. But staying long-term with your dad and stepmom will drop you so far back in your aspirations, you may not get another chance. Your stepmother needs to speak with the rehab/hospital folks and find out what resources are there for her. I assume that given the pancreatic issues, hospice is already involved. If not, the organization needs to be called. And I'm not assuming a death wish here. Hospice is an outstanding organization, and you can contact them at any point, once a determination of life-threatening illness has been made. Hospice not only offers services on its own, they can get your stepmom additional help.

Nancy,

I don't think anyone will flame you for what you said. I absolutely agree that Mich has a duty to herself to move forward with her career. Her dad is in good hands with a loving wife and as you point out there are a lot of resources with Hospice.

I do think Mich needs to visit soon but not for a long period of time; perhaps a long weekend, not a week.

 

Dad's not in hospice.  At this point, there is no sign of his pancreatic cancer.  His marker levels are back to normal and the last CT scan he had 3 weeks ago has his tumor in remission.  I'm not under any illusion that this is going to be permanent, but unless this problem with his gall bladder is not resolved, pancreatic cancer isn't going to be what kills him.

[zibazinski]

That poor woman's life sure is a mess right now. Send her cards, notes, flowers, anything to help.

[NancysSummerSip]

Thanks, Bonny. I probably sounded like I was promoting Mich to be the bad daughter, or to be selfish. Neither was the case. Like many people, I've been through this, too. There's no good or right answer short-term. But long-term, Mich has a definite timeline in terms of money versus disability. There's no sin in wanting to practice what you preach on YM, and she knows it, even when the odds are very tough.

I don't want Mich's love and concern for her dad to fall by the wayside. I hate to use the word "priorities" in this case, because it sounds like ranking things in order of importance, which is hard to do. But with so many critical issues in play, I think it's necessary to sort through it all and make some beneficial, but sad decisions.

[Bonny]

Sorry The Walk of the Penguin Mich, I'll clarify. What I meant is if the situation deteriorates your stepmother will also have the resources of hospice which has some respite care for her. You don't physically need to be there to care for your dad.

[Bonny]

Jan 15, 2015 13:16:40 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Thanks, Bonny. I probably sounded like I was promoting Mich to be the bad daughter, or to be selfish. Neither was the case. Like many people, I've been through this, too. There's no good or right answer short-term. But long-term, Mich has a definite timeline in terms of money versus disability. There's no sin in wanting to practice what you preach on YM, and she knows it, even when the odds are very tough.

I don't want Mich's love and concern for her dad to fall by the wayside. I hate to use the word "priorities" in this case, because it sounds like ranking things in order of importance, which is hard to do. But with so many critical issues in play, I think it's necessary to sort through it all and make some beneficial, but sad decisions.

I understand and fully agree with you.

I was in a very different situation with my mom. I wasn't working (other than managing our properties) and was only 350 miles away. My mother did not have any other reliable help nor any sustained financial resources. We were both darn lucky I could step in.

Mich is not in the same situation in both a good and bad way. She's 3,000 miles away and she really does not need to drop everything to care for her dad. I certainly understand how she's feeling emotionally because I know she wants to be there.

[cronewitch]

Sorry your dad is sick and you can't help, but you can't. What does his wife need help with? Can you set up an online chat or conference call with your siblings about what to do about dad? If she needs respite so she can go take care of things like grocery shopping or seeing her daughter maybe you can find adult daycare or a paid caregiver for 4 hours a week or one of your nearby siblings come on Wednesday night for 2 hours and another on Saturday afternoon for 2 hours so the wife can go be alone for a bit. If she needs housecleaning maybe hire a housekeeper 4 hours a week. Do you have a cousin or someone you could pay to give her a few hours? We hired my cousin's wife to go see grandma twice a day to help her dress and take medicine morning and evening when grandma was too old but wouldn't go to a nursing home. Nobody else was able to help mom and her sister were too old or too far away.

Can your dad be left home alone? Maybe a webcam you could watch while wife was out then call her or 911 if he had a problem. She could leave him napping and get an hour off.

[mollyanna58]

, at this time my sister (who at the time had a couple young children and was pregnant at the time) has kids who are pretty much self sufficient and she is not working. I REALLY want her to step up to the plate and help since she is in the condition to do so far better than I am right now. I guess I want her to do this without me asking, but as I am the oldest (and in reality, the one my dad's wife is the most comfortable talking to), I tend to be the 'go to' person.

You may have to ask your sister to step up.  Maybe your step-mom told her "There's really nothing you can do." and your sister took her word for it, without hearing the underlying "Please, please help me!"  I understand being the go-to person.  My dad is having a minor procedure tomorrow that will require someone waiting at the hospital while he's in surgery; everyone assumed that it would be me. 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jan 15, 2015 13:27:09 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

Sorry your dad is sick and you can't help, but you can't. What does his wife need help with? Can you set up an online chat or conference call with your siblings about what to do about dad? If she needs respite so she can go take care of things like grocery shopping or seeing her daughter maybe you can find adult daycare or a paid caregiver for 4 hours a week or one of your nearby siblings come on Wednesday night for 2 hours and another on Saturday afternoon for 2 hours so the wife can go be alone for a bit. If she needs housecleaning maybe hire a housekeeper 4 hours a week. Do you have a cousin or someone you could pay to give her a few hours? We hired my cousin's wife to go see grandma twice a day to help her dress and take medicine morning and evening when grandma was too old but wouldn't go to a nursing home. Nobody else was able to help mom and her sister were too old or too far away.

Can your dad be left home alone? Maybe a webcam you could watch while wife was out then call her or 911 if he had a problem. She could leave him napping and get an hour off.

Unfortunately, none of my dad's kids even live in the same state.  Closest one is my brother, and he is in the most precarious financial situation.  While he has a good paying job, he is paid only when he works and quite frankly, he's really not the best sort of person to be in this situation.  So mileage wise, he's about 1200 miles away, my sister is 1500 miles and I'm 3000.

At this point, his wife really doesn't need anything other than emotional support as my dad is back in the hospital.  When he is released from rehab, we have a better idea as to what living conditions he will need in the future.  For instance, he will likely need a lift chair as he cannot get out of his recliner now.  I suggested that his wife call a rental place to get one immediately, then look at buying one.  This gives her a little time to get something in.

Dad cannot be left alone now.  His wife does have quite a bit of family in the area, but I've posted about them now.....most of their lives are so screwed up that I can't even think about that now.

[NancysSummerSip]

Getting the mechanics in place for his homecoming is a good idea. The chair, a hospital-type bed (if he needs it), and an handicapped seat for the commode are all items you can rent (and if I remember correctly, are covered by insurance).

And please, get hospice care involved. Mich, you know the eventuality of pancreatic cancer. He's holding his own now, and the diagnosis for this disease is getting better in terms of life expectancy. I'm not trying to be the Debbie Downer here, but you know the outcome. He does not have to know the help is from Hospice. The staff will not wear their ID into the patient's home or room, if requested. This is about your dad, but it's also about his wife, who now faces his illness with no help from her family, from the sound of things. It's hard to face this alone, more so because she has local family who are utterly incapable.

[Deleted]

Sorry to hear the problems of your father's health. Is your sister sensible person? Can you ask her to assist father if he get sent back home. First week back the hardest.

Does step-mom tell hospital or rehab coordinator that she can't lift and handle him so she can get help?

[Jaguar]

So very sorry hon.