Bittersweet memories...

[The Captain]

Growing up the holidays would be very busy and full of family time together.

Mom would host her parents, four uncles and two aunts, her brother and his family (wife and three kids).  Sometimes other family would come in from out of town as well.  Sis and I would do most of the cleaning and cooking and the whole family would get together (honestly sitting room only on the floors) to talk, tell stories, and open gifts.  We would have as many as 25 or more family all together at the same time.

Now all of my grandparents' generation have passed.  Mom is gone and Dad is down in KY with Sis and her husband (they can't come up due to BIL's work schedule).  Of all the 13 kids in grandma's generation, only two had kids, and of those two only my grandma had kids, my mom and my uncle.  We don't interact with my uncle for many reasons. 

Of my generation, I'm the only one who had kids - and I had only one.  It was the right choice for DH and I but DD will never know the kind of large family gatherings that I had growing up.  DH's family is also very small.  Both are actually inverted pyramids with each generation having far fewer kids than the one before and many not having any kids at all.

Even though we're hosting xmas this year the most that will be there will 9 (possibly 8) people.  Lot different than what I grew up with.

It's been like this for several years now, for some reason it's just hitting me harder this year.

That is all.

[gawgagranny]

The Captain,  I feel your pain. My mom's family is the same way as you described --the "inverted pyramid". My mom's dad had 9 siblings. Her mom had 7 that survived childhood. Of those 18 folks, only about half of them had kids and most of those only had 1 child. I can remember family gatherings from my childhood & even young adult years when any home we gathered in would be bursting at the seams - but not any longer. There just aren't that many of us left now. Kinda sad, isn't it? 

[Deleted]

My grandfather and father have always come Christmas morning to watch my kids open presents and have a big breakfast. Last year in addition to bad weather, our immediate family got sick and I didn't want papa to get it.. We didn't have Christmas morning. Papa died this past year, and my dad is staying in Florida. My daughter tries not to say anything, but I can tell she's taking it harder that this tradition is over. It's also making me think on other traditions that were and are no more...

[Shooby]

I have always envied the big gatherings. Both my and DH's parents are gone. Everyone is estranged from DH's sister who is a bit whack. DH's brother goes to do Christmas with his wife's family. I have a sister who lives in Kentucky so I rarely see her. It is myself, DH and our kids and my son's GF has been coming now as well. But, over time, as they start their own families down the road the cycle will probably start up again.

[Deleted]

Yes it is a lot different.  I only wish I had not taken it for granted that everything would always be the same over the holidays.  So many have passed but are still in our hearts this season--you nailed it with the word "bittersweet".  I think this year I can finally get through Christmas Day without totally breaking down (I lost my mom 1-1/2 years ago).

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

My family's shrunken too - especially in the last 3 years. We would always (after we kids became adults), alternate homes every year. We all lived in the same City except 1 brother - and they would drive in for the holiday.

My parents have both been gone for some time, but we adult kids kept up the tradition. I've also lost 2 brothers (out of 3) plus my DH in the last 3 yrs.

I have nieces & nephews, but most of them also have married & started their own families/traditions.

This year I'm spending the holiday at my one remaining brother's with him, his G/F, one of her sons, my niece and her two little guys, (my nephew and his G/F may or may not be there), and my other SIL.

[Jaguar]

When my mom and two of my sisters were alive all of us used to get together, and there could be upwards of 30 or more people. Now it's about 17 of us that get together and that's only if my nephew and his family fly in, otherwise it's 9 to 12 people.

I miss the massive get-togethers that we use to have.

[The Home 6]

Almost all of my aunts and uncles on Dad's side of the family (and, by extension, my cousins) live in the same state in which we were raised. There are 19 living cousins, and so Christmas was always a big to-do at Grandma and Grandpa's house. We would have to set up two dining room tables, plus a kids table, and there would still be some of us sitting on the couch or on the floor. 

Grandpa had a fake mounted reindeer head that sang "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", which he would play at every opportunity. He thought that thing was so funny. We'd eat chicken noodle soup, chili, or oyster soup...massive amounts of cookies, and read the Christmas story from Grandma's old Bible. 

It's been 3 years since I've been there with the kids for Christmas, 6 years for Big Sarge, me, and the girls. 

[zibazinski]

We used to have 4 generations crammed into my Grandparents home. That was 18 people. Then my generation started getting married so we added more. I had 2. My cousin had 2. My other two cousins have a total of 5. So add 9 more to that. Then Grandma died. Grandpa got dementia and went into a nursing home. Little by little there's no family left. It is what it is.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I'm feeling it this year more than ever.  ODS heads off to college next Fall.  The end of our tight little family unit is in sight.  We've watched our extended family whittle down to where we spend most of the year on our own and MAYBE see some extended family during the holidays.  My kids don't know the joyful bedlam of a house full of relatives.  I had them late, and by then the dwindling had already set in.  There was always something comfortable about being a member of a large clan.  My kids don't have it now, and won't have it when they are older and really need it.  

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

The Captain  Thanks for posting your feelings.  

I've been feeling the same way for a few days, but kept trying to shrug it off as some sort of self-imposed holiday melodrama, but the sense of loss is palpable.  

Sometimes it's good to know that others are feeling the same way.  

[Jaguar]

Dec 17, 2014 22:01:12 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

The Captain  Thanks for posting your feelings.  

I've been feeling the same way for a few days, but kept trying to shrug it off as some sort of self-imposed holiday melodrama, but the sense of loss is palpable.  

Sometimes it's good to know that others are feeling the same way.  

Yes most definitely, I'm feeling it this year so much so. I miss my sister Peggy who died this past July. Peggy always made holiday celebrations wonderful and now she's gone.

[taz157]

 for everyone

[zibazinski]

Yes. I wish my kids had the memories that I do. I always hope they marry into large families. 

[NancysSummerSip]

I miss my folks and grandparents at this time of year, too. Our final time with Mom was the holidays, three years ago. Her last Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and New Years. I use Grandma's menorah now, candles and all.

We always got together for Thanksgiving and Hanukkah. My Grandma was the quintessential Jewish Grandma Cook. Just outstanding at whatever she did when she went into the kitchen. Gifts every night for Hanukkah (not always big gifts or toys; sometimes they were the socks-and-underwear variety). But always so much fun.

[Bob Ross]

Dec 18, 2014 8:11:56 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Yes. I wish my kids had the memories that I do. I always hope they marry into large families. 

When does the next Duggar reach marrying age?

[Deleted]

In some ways it's ok though Anne. I too think that the reason I go so all out at Christmas is because it's some of my only really happy memories of childhood. What few traditions I wanted to carry over, came from there (most of the rest was doing the opposite )

But, while my kids don't have all the large parties of my childhood Christmases, I do take comfort that their everyday isn't nearly the same either... And Christmas, while full of its own joys, won't be the lone high points as they look backward.

[zibazinski]

Large families, not litters.

[zibazinski]

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 18, 2014 10:21:23 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

Dec 18, 2014 8:11:56 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Yes. I wish my kids had the memories that I do. I always hope they marry into large families. 

When does the next Duggar reach marrying age?

Well, one is technically past that point. Jana is 24 and therefore an old maid, relatively speaking.

John-David is 18, but he is in the Air Force, so I think he gets a pass for now.

[zibazinski]

Ugh, can you imagine those wackos as in-laws? Ewww

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 18, 2014 12:21:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Ugh, can you imagine those wackos as in-laws? Ewww

Hey now, be nice. They are trying to nab none other than Tim Tebow as a son-in-law.

[zibazinski]

I'd like Tim Tebow as a son in law, too. 

[Chocolate Lover]

All those that miss the big gatherings feel free to come to mine, they'd probably never even notice another 8 people.  It's shrinking but we're still between 20 & 30. And that's the small gathering of "immediate" family.  I'm not sure how I'd act if there were single digit numbers. 



-hug-to all of you that miss it. 

[Peace Of Mind]

Dec 17, 2014 22:01:12 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

The Captain  Thanks for posting your feelings.  

I've been feeling the same way for a few days, but kept trying to shrug it off as some sort of self-imposed holiday melodrama, but the sense of loss is palpable.  

Sometimes it's good to know that others are feeling the same way.  

Sometimes I feel sad and sometimes I feel relieved how easy things are too.  Depends on the day.  But the relieved/easy part seems to win out as I get older.  As long as DH is here with me and healthy (a continuing battle lately with his love of carbs) and I have some great friends who always like getting together and doing fun stuff.  We have something every holiday, weekend and some get togethers throughout the week that keeps me from getting sad.  Thank God for DH and good friends!   

[zibazinski]

I want to party with Carl's family!

[Deleted]

My grandmother had 2 daughters and they have 2 children each. When I was growing up, we'd wake up and see what Santa brought us at home, then the family would meet at one of the houses to see what Santa left there for the kids. The adults would open gifts too, and we'd eat whatever the host cooked for Christmas dinner. It would be like 7 or 8 in the morning lol. Then we'd all go to the next house, see what Santa left there, open gifts and eat. Then we'd all go to the last house, and do it all over again. By that time, we'd all be so full of food, we'd stay at the last house for some hours. It all started because my Grandma wanted Santa to leave gifts at her house too for her grandkids.

No matter who got married or what happened in life, that was our tradition even after my generation started having children. We just added a couple more houses as my generation got our own places. We were done early enough in the day that there was still time to visit spouse's families. A few years ago, we stopped going from house to house. Now we just meet at one house and everybody brings their gifts. Exes come by to pick up their kids and are welcome to sit a while before they leave. It's a day for love and joy, not animosity. Random relatives and friends stop by. And unless you pay close attention to the handwriting, you don't really know who gave you what. All the gifts from each household are sorted into one pile for each recipient and most of the gift tags still say "From: Santa". It's odd, but I like it that it's more about giving than taking credit for a particular gift.

Oh, and another tradition, my and uncle bought a video camera way back when they were huge and expensive. That started another tradition of recording all of us singing a Christmas carol together after we've opened all the presents at the last house. We still record our song every year.

My grandmother was the one that use to keep us on track and harrass us about being late. She died in December of 2012. We've carried on with the spirit of what she started, but it's still hard not having her there.

[tskeeter]

Both DW and I come from larger families, so I can identify with houses full of people during the holidays.  Or almost any holiday.

To compensate, we have what I call "orphans parties".  Round up everyone we know who isn't spending the holiday with their extended family to spend the holiday with our local "family".  Christmas, New Years Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Easter, St. Urho's Day.  Any excuse for a party.  Tonight we're going over to a friend's house for dinner and Christmas decorating.  On Thursday, several friends will be at our house for dinner.  And we might follow the early dinner with making some easy holiday treats, like almond and peppermint bark and peanut brittle.  Maybe we'll even introduce them to Krumkake. 

[toomuchreality]

I used to wonder what it would be like, to be the oldest generation. No more grandparents, aunts, uncles or parents. The very idea, seemed so odd. Now I know, and I don't like it!


tsketeer- How do you keep from becoming the go to person/home,  for all the really needy people out there? I swear, every time I do something nice for one of my neighbors, they want me to do everything and I can't get rid of them. (so to speak) I don't mind helping someone, but I have my own life and problems. I don't want to be responsible for theirs too. Nor do I want them constantly at my place, or asking for things, or asking to use my stuff, or give them a ride. Why can't people just accept that you did something nice for them, then leave you alone, more or less?   →new thread topic, I suppose. Sorry.  BUT I really do want to know!


(((BIG hugs to all)))

[Bonny]

Dec 19, 2014 17:51:19 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Both DW and I come from larger families, so I can identify with houses full of people during the holidays.  Or almost any holiday.

To compensate, we have what I call "orphans parties".  Round up everyone we know who isn't spending the holiday with their extended family to spend the holiday with our local "family".  Christmas, New Years Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Easter, St. Urho's Day.  Any excuse for a party.  Tonight we're going over to a friend's house for dinner and Christmas decorating.  On Thursday, several friends will be at our house for dinner.  And we might follow the early dinner with making some easy holiday treats, like almond and peppermint bark and peanut brittle.  Maybe we'll even introduce them to Krumkake. 

We used to do the "Orphan Parties" too when DH worked. It's been much quieter since we returned "home".

Growing up our Christmases tended to be small. We lived in San Diego and the rest of the family was in NYC or in the Washington DC area.

This year is going to be really small with just DH, MIL and me. I would prefer to have more of a buffer but our good friends are off to Sacramento and DH's cousin and his family are his SIL's house down in Santa Cruz. Thankfully we will be making the rounds this week so I don't have to referee the whole week MIL is here.

God, I sound like Peace Of Mind!