Nazgul Girl
Junior Associate
Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 23:25:02 GMT -5
Posts: 5,913
Today's Mood: excellent
|
Post by Nazgul Girl on Sept 20, 2014 0:32:25 GMT -5
I think the idea of letting her come and stay with you alone while she's job-hunting is okay, Captain. The rest of the problems are partly of her own making ( not losing her job, of course ), and she needs to deal with them. I guess I came off harshly in my original post, and for that, I apologize. But, if she thinks it's okay for you and your DH to take them all in, then she's a sponge.
The two unemployed kids in their 20's can join the military, if they're qualified.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 20, 2014 5:37:18 GMT -5
Could she just move in with you and get a job and established? Then, she can get an apt and bring on the kids and her useless DH.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Sept 20, 2014 6:39:16 GMT -5
Could she just move in with you and get a job and established? Then, she can get an apt and bring on the kids and her useless DH. That is not a bad idea... Since the kids are grown (I consider 18-20 grown) it is not like they need ninny 24-7. ; they can fend for themselves. Anyway do not offer, wait till she ask you directly.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 20, 2014 6:45:00 GMT -5
Yes, just make it clear the invite is for HER and her only. The useless lump can spend his time keeping track of the kids wherever while she is busting her hump trying to start over.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 20, 2014 7:53:57 GMT -5
Trouble with that offer is that the rest WILL show up on her doorstep. Maybe a way of circumventing this is that WHEN she has job interviews lined up, she can come the day before, spend the night, and leave after her interviews. I'd rather pay for her to have a hotel that one night or maybe two anyway than risk her and hers in my home. At this point, I'd be worried about them stealing. Do you seriously want 3 freeloaders in your home? This is how I'd handle it if I were so inclined to be generous. What worries me is WHY your area? There's lots of areas hiring. I live in one of them. Anyone breathing and drug free can get hired. So can the kids. I'm thinking YOUR area because YOU are there to use. As a friend though, IF you want to go that route, which I suggest you don't, send her newspaper ads and recommendations for places that are hiring. There are even hotels around a here that do long term rentals. Weeks at a time. They aren't the Marriott but they aren't dregs either. You just wouldn't want to stay in them long term. But then, when the money you have paid for this runs out, they will be on your door step for "just a little more time. " or a little more money. They had plenty of time to move on out of a bad area but chose not to. If its that bad of an area economically, the schools sucked, too. Think Detroit.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Sept 20, 2014 11:57:34 GMT -5
Could she just move in with you and get a job and established? Then, she can get an apt and bring on the kids and her useless DH. Noops! Captain will let her move in and then her family will start to visit with option of long term sleepover...no way! Naaah! I thought those kids were kids. They aren't. Friend can basically just move out and let them deal with their lives themselves. Why Captain is supposed to clean their messes? Bunch of grown ups who are looking for a out-of-state friend to harbor them? Sorry, maybe I am just not getting it...
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 20, 2014 14:30:52 GMT -5
Well, I don't necessarily advocate that she does that. But, that is an OPTION. And, of course, she has to put her foot down and set clear boundaries and limits.
|
|
kjto1
Established Member
Joined: Jan 13, 2013 13:47:03 GMT -5
Posts: 485
|
Post by kjto1 on Sept 20, 2014 14:49:38 GMT -5
How far away do they live from you?
|
|
Ombud
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 14, 2013 23:21:04 GMT -5
Posts: 7,593
|
Post by Ombud on Sept 20, 2014 19:48:43 GMT -5
Why don't you offer to let her (and her alone) come for a few long weekends so she can job hunt? Or a short one to hunt out temporary housing (ie: motels that rent by the week) Don't let her move in, you'll regret it, I know
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 20, 2014 20:03:39 GMT -5
Good lord...how can she stay married to a man who can't support his family? I would have zero respect for him and would leave him behind while I made a nice life for myself and the kids. It would be a cold day in hell before I supported an able bodied adult. And it would be an even colder day in hell before I let an able bodies adult who chooses not to work move in with me
I'm guessing she and I would probably not be friends because I wouldn't be able to bite my to the and not tell her I how I felt about her lazy ass husband
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 20, 2014 20:50:27 GMT -5
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Sept 20, 2014 21:02:25 GMT -5
I'd be VERY leery of allowing her to move in. Who's to say once she's there, she'll actively search for employment and a place of her own to live in. Then you're stuck with another mouth to feed for who-knows-how-long.
Then you'd have to make the very uncomfortable choice of letting her stay, or kicking her out. And as others have said, the other family members will be showing up on your doorstep too, which means you losing a lot of your privacy.
If it was a single friend, I'd say sure, try & give them a hand-up - but she has too much baggage possibly coming along with her and entering your home environment if you do.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Sept 21, 2014 7:40:00 GMT -5
They live 3.5 hours away. I can pretty much guarantee there won't be any visits back and fourth. They didn't even have the gas money to drive here and back last summer.
There is only one car so if my friend comes up alone, the rest of the family won't have one, that's the problem. This is in an area with no public transportation. If that topic comes up I'll suggest she take a train up and stay after she's got a few interviews lined up.
I have no doubt she'd be pounding the pavement looking for work. She has never been a slacker.
Right now I'll just wait and see.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 21, 2014 7:43:29 GMT -5
Maybe if she got away from him for a bit, she would realize she can survive and thrive without dragging his sorry arse thru life.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 21, 2014 8:12:04 GMT -5
Yup, and pay him alimony until she drops dead.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 21, 2014 8:19:01 GMT -5
Better than living with him and wiping his arse.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 21, 2014 10:24:44 GMT -5
I agree but she is probably someone with the mentality of any man is better than no man at all. You can't fix that so it is what it is. Just CAPTAIN doesn't need to get sucked into it.
|
|
finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,501
|
Post by finnime on Sept 21, 2014 10:31:50 GMT -5
This may be something your friend could consider, Captain:
Self storage facilities often look for couples to hire, to manage the business. They offer pay, sometimes with bonuses, and maybe more importantly, provide on site residence as part of the compensation.
So the chronically unemployed husband would by default do some good. These businesses prefer couples or families so that one person will always be available to provide customer service. Your friend could find another job, too.
Something your friend may want to look into --
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Sept 21, 2014 11:20:57 GMT -5
I actually don't think she would be on the hook for long term alimony given his education level. finnime - thanks for the suggestion. I would never have thought of that. I'm gonna guess there won't be any jobs like that down in their neck of the woods (due to the unemployment situation) but will pass the idea on for potential options up here if it comes up.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 21, 2014 11:38:48 GMT -5
If there's any chance he could collect welfare she will have to pay alimony. Courts are very good about making sure someone other than the state supports the non working spouse.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 20,937
|
Post by happyhoix on Sept 22, 2014 7:08:13 GMT -5
I actually don't think she would be on the hook for long term alimony given his education level. finnime - thanks for the suggestion. I would never have thought of that. I'm gonna guess there won't be any jobs like that down in their neck of the woods (due to the unemployment situation) but will pass the idea on for potential options up here if it comes up. Not necessarily. We had some friends of the family where the wife worked and her DH, who had a college degree, decided to pursue his 'art' (pottery) full time rather than get a conventional job. She was a social worker, they had one child and, though the DH stayed at home full time, he refused to look after his child, so she had to pay for daycare for the little boy. Her grandmother was worried about her financial situation and, since this was her only grandchild, the grandma left her her house when she died, so she would always have a place to live. A few years later, when DH continued to refuse to get a job (he claimed to be an artist but mostly hung out with his buddied playing video games) the wife left him and took their son. When they got a divorce, the husband claimed he was a house husband (although he never did anything around the house and never took care of his son) and the courts awarded him half the material assests, which were primarily the house, so the wife had to sell her grandma's home and give him half the proceeds. He also got half of her 401K money (which wasn't much) and he sued for sole custody of his son - since he had never shown much interest in the kid, he was probably trying to get the child support. He claimed he should have sole custody because she worked a lot and he didn't work. Fortunately she was able to produce all the child care invoices and she ended up with primary custody while her DH ended up being able to pend the next few years continuing to goof off- living off the proceeds of grandma's house sale. So even if this loser guy has some kind of college degree, if he hasn't used it for years, he would be able to argue that his income will be reduced because he was a house husband - and therefore she might end up having to pay him alimony for a while. Certainly she would have to divide any assets aquired during their marriage with him. Not saying that it probably wouldn't be worth getting away from him, in the long run, especially since the kids are grown, but it will probably still cost her.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Sept 22, 2014 7:41:09 GMT -5
happyhoix - I won't go into details as to his degree but will say he has a master's in a STEM field with an advanced certification. He's been employed sporiadically through the years so can get a job and has skills. Although at this point, if I were to see his resume I doubt he'd even be considered for a job. I don't know if she has any retirement accounts, and in our state retirement accounts typically stay with the individual who contributes to them (not saying always - but that's what I've heard from others). Other than that, there are no assets (besides the clothes, furniture, and a older model car). Don't see her ever leaving him though. So it may be a moot point.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 22, 2014 7:53:20 GMT -5
Yup, not your problem but hers. Don't make it yours and don't stress over it. She doesn't.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 20,937
|
Post by happyhoix on Sept 22, 2014 10:49:06 GMT -5
happyhoix - I won't go into details as to his degree but will say he has a master's in a STEM field with an advanced certification. He's been employed sporiadically through the years so can get a job and has skills. Although at this point, if I were to see his resume I doubt he'd even be considered for a job. I don't know if she has any retirement accounts, and in our state retirement accounts typically stay with the individual who contributes to them (not saying always - but that's what I've heard from others). Other than that, there are no assets (besides the clothes, furniture, and a older model car). Don't see her ever leaving him though. So it may be a moot point. Well, I am sitting here trying not to judge this loser. Really, I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But he has a STEM degree and can't find work that he can stick with for more than a few years at a time? Well, maybe he has health problems or MI problems and your friend is too kind to his ass - that's all I can figure. What a shame for your friend.
|
|
skubikky
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 7:37:12 GMT -5
Posts: 3,044
|
Post by skubikky on Sept 22, 2014 12:42:21 GMT -5
Yup, not your problem but hers. Don't make it yours and don't stress over it. She doesn't. Just that. Stay OUT OF THIS. These are issues that this woman needs to address. You cannot allow someone with these issues into your home unless you want big trouble.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 22, 2014 19:04:13 GMT -5
I feel for you. I, too, have been a rescuer. It never ever ends well. I've lost my so-called friends as well as money trying to be nice. I, at least, didnt have other family to piss off with my decisions. Although I did have a so-called friend show up with her two kids, one of whom had just gotten over the chicken pox so the other one was now going to come down with it. Without telling me her kid had just gotten over it. But she wasnt going to give up me shopping for clothes for her kids or filling her car with gas and groceries. Thanks to her selfishness, my son got chicken pox over Christmas. No good deed goes unpunished. Truer words were never spoken.
|
|