Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 21, 2013 17:01:20 GMT -5
Rukh's thead over siblings made me think of a question of my own.
You ever have a situation with your friends/family who live reasonably far away and you always go to visit but they never come and visit you?
As I said, it's pretty much that way with my sister and my best friend. I'll go to the time and expense of traveling out there to see them on a fairly regular basis but it's not recipricated.
I try to not be bitter about it, but in all honesty it is kind of annoying and gives the impression that they take it for granted.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 21, 2013 17:06:18 GMT -5
We visit my brother and his family a couple of times a year and we stay with them (mostly holidays and family gatherings). They live about an hour and a half car's drive away from us. They almost never visit us - well, they've come up for family stuff, but they don't stay at our house. Three of them are very allergic to our cats
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2013 17:07:28 GMT -5
Do they have difficult job schedules, make less money, have kids? Etc.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Mar 21, 2013 17:11:25 GMT -5
When one brother lived in GA he would always invite us to come visit and stay but I heard his house was a disaster. We never went. My uncle (only 1 year older than me and I get along great with) and his wife are rich and live in a gorgeous home but we don't visit or stay with them either. We may, rarely, make a road trip for the day but won't stay over. We prefer our own place and we have a lot of pets. Our home is very clean and nice but we don't invite them to stay either. I think we are becoming hermits and a bit antisocial at this stage in our life. But we are okay with that. In your situation is it possible that since you don't have kids or a spouse or pets it's probably easier and cheaper for them because they may have more people to pay for? If they provide room and board and some meals it should come out about even.
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milee
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Post by milee on Mar 21, 2013 17:15:47 GMT -5
Do they have difficult job schedules, make less money, have kids? Etc. Those are definitely things that make travel difficult. Others are: - Is your house comfy for guests? I have a relative whose house does not only not have a guest bed, but is dirty. Not very appealing to go stay there, so one would have to rent a hotel/house. - Do you each live places that are fun/interesting to visit? When my DH and I first got married, my in-laws lived in a charming little village near Winchester, England. Gorgeous scenery, easy trip to London and lots of other interesting villages, attractions, etc. Even walking around near their house was a gorgeous adventure. When they retired, they retired to a tiny town near Lincolnshire. Dead flat, no scenery and hours from anything - London is 3+ hours away and no other interesting towns, attractions, etc. Honestly, it's pretty torturous to visit there. It's good to visit the family, but there is literally nothing else to do. Blech. So if one of you lives in a place that has more things for visitors to do, that's a factor. - Are you a good host? Some people are great at making others feel welcome and it seems to be effortless for them. Others barely appear to know guests are there and the guests don't feel very taken care of. Maybe less of a factor if it's a fun area or there are a lot of friends to visit.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Mar 21, 2013 17:25:08 GMT -5
Move to Vegas. You will suddenly have lots of friends and family who want to visit.
Actually, my closest friend hates Vegas. I love her city, so I do all of the visiting in our relationship. On the other hand, she does all of the hosting, so I think we are both getting a good deal.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 21, 2013 17:27:54 GMT -5
<P>I don't care if they actually stay with me, because my place is fairly small and would cramp more than 2-3 people. <BR><BR>In my sisters case I think it's either because a crazy work schedule or just doesn't want to visit. I don't know exactly how much leave she gets, but she manages other trips just fine. In the case of my friend it's probably money. He's married, but doesn't have a kid (yet). He doesn't make much less than me though, and flights out here aren't that expensive. <BR><BR>I live in Colorado, near the rockies. So I wouldn't call this place "boring" by any stretch. There's certainly plenty to do around here.<BR><BR>I hadn't considered that I stay with them and eat some of their food ect. Good point.</P>
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Rocky Mtn Saver
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Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Mar 21, 2013 17:52:48 GMT -5
I visit an uncle and aunt out-of-state who never follow through on their promises to come visit us. But my extended family is small, and I want to have some kind of relationship with whomever is left. I have come to terms with it being one-directional, but it's important to me to do what I can. I skip the trip sometimes, but I do try to regularly make the effort.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 21, 2013 18:17:05 GMT -5
Rukh's thead over siblings made me think of a question of my own. You ever have a situation with your friends/family who live reasonably far away and you always go to visit but they never come and visit you? As I said, it's pretty much that way with my sister and my best friend. I'll go to the time and expense of traveling out there to see them on a fairly regular basis but it's not recipricated. I try to not be bitter about it, but in all honesty it is kind of annoying and gives the impression that they take it for granted. I don't know the marital and family status of your sister and best friend, but until you have a spouse and children, it's the single person who ends up doing the travelling to see family and friends. It's tougher for folks with children to travel than it is for a single person. It's just a fact of life. .
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Mar 21, 2013 18:19:37 GMT -5
Yeah, we visit my family way more often than they come out here. Some of them haven't been out here at all in the six years we've lived here. They all live pretty close together though, so we can make one trip out there and see everybody, where they'd each have to come out here individually just to see us. It would be nice to get some one on one time with my brothers and their families instead of only seeing the whole clan though.
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Queen of Interesting Nuts
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Post by Queen of Interesting Nuts on Mar 21, 2013 18:20:32 GMT -5
Goes along with the sibling thread, I must be so hated by my fam that I know of several times they have been about 3 hours away from me and never attempted to let me know they were there. Yeah lots of angst and disapointment.
And actually when I found out about that was when I decided to cut out of family all together. Didn't stop my sperm donor from calling me though while I was in England last year ..... I guess he got the point when all he heard was ..... click.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Mar 21, 2013 21:23:41 GMT -5
Have you ever actually invited them to come visit? You know saying something like: "Hey, you guys wanna come visit me on X day(s)? We could do y - just like we use to do (or go see Z, or some other activity)". And then seeing where the conversation goes...
I'm not saying the above to be rude... it's just that sometimes it's easy to overlook the obvious... especially if the 'generic you' you are around people who are 'doers' and 'planners' and you are a bit intimidated by that - so you wait for them to speak up about wanting to come and visit you versus you taking the chance and inviting them.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Mar 21, 2013 22:00:03 GMT -5
It always makes me growl a little bit that it's our job to go visit people in the Midwest, not vice versa--even though we have jobs and limited vacation time while our parents are all retired with unlimited time. Worse, when we drive 2500 miles out there it's STILL our job to drive back and forth the hour+ between parental houses...and to drive the parents around. Last October I kept trying to explain that this was the only vacation we got and we needed some rest, and MIL just wouldn't let up that all the aunts/uncles would be SO DISAPPOINTED if we didn't go visit them. I think she finally shut up when I pointed out we hadn't even seen my parents yet. Next time I'm going straight to "If people want to see us they can damn well come visit us in California." On the flip side, DH's sister has been out to visit 3-4 times and we haven't yet made it to NYC to visit her And my dad does usually come out and stay with us for several weeks in the winter--though that's as much for his benefit as ours; he's done with Midwestern winters.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2013 7:08:25 GMT -5
Yes, I have relationships like this Phoenix and it is sh!tty.
People will fill up a thread with a list of excuses about why travel is so hard for your friends and family, or so easy for you... but at the end of the day it is still unfair and it is still sh!tty.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 22, 2013 8:20:26 GMT -5
Depends on where you live. When I lived in Florida I had lots of friends and family come visit. But who wants to visit the Midwest? Not even me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2013 8:24:07 GMT -5
I do most of the visiting with my family. They live in a different country so it is easier/cheaper for me (even with a child now) to go and visit all of them at the same time. But when I get to my parents house, the others come to me, I don't go door to door to see them all. I may go see some but I dont go out of my way to try to squeeze everybody in. I am there to see my parents/sister/nephew before anybody else.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Mar 22, 2013 8:37:24 GMT -5
Yes, I have relationships like this Phoenix and it is sh!tty. People will fill up a thread with a list of excuses about why travel is so hard for your friends and family, or so easy for you... but at the end of the day it is still unfair and it is still sh!tty. I swear all the roads by me are somehow only one way and I just can't see it. In the 20 plus years we have lived down here we have had maybe 5 visits from family, yet we are expected to spend our vacations driving 6 hours to visit everyone else. At this point I really don't care if they think I am rude. If I happen to want to be in their area we will go and if I don't I say no thank you. My mom will sometimes call and ask why I didn't visit so and so and I will counter with why didn't they visit us. For some reason she still doesn't get it because sometimes she will say we moved here. I guess they didn't move to where they live they just grew out of the ground in that spot. The times we do go to say DH's families area, and stay with his father, I will not go driving around to see every one at their house. DH's sister and father tell the rest of the family when we are going to be there and where. We drove the first six hours and I decided years ago that it is up to them to drive the last twenty minutes. Would it surprise anyone that since we instituted that rule, it hasn't been important enough for anyone to drive twenty minutes to see us?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2013 8:38:58 GMT -5
I guess they didn't move to where they live they just grew out of the ground in that spot."
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Mar 22, 2013 8:39:55 GMT -5
I guess they didn't move to where they live they just grew out of the ground in that spot." Can you tell it's a sore subject with me?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2013 8:45:36 GMT -5
"Can you tell it's a sore subject with me? " I agree with what youa re saying. That is exactly how I do it. I go the 5000+ miles, they can come the rest of the 10 miles to see me Exception is my grandma, I will go see her as she is not in greatest health. But they live 2 blocks from my parents so it is not like too far. And my sister is only a block away from my parents.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2013 8:57:53 GMT -5
I travel to see family and friends all the time that rarely (or never) come to my house. I prefer that. While I like visiting and hanging out with family, I don't like being the host very much. My home is my sanctuary and I'm a little OCD. It stresses me out having people there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2013 9:17:05 GMT -5
I travel to see family and friends all the time that rarely (or never) come to my house. I prefer that. While I like visiting and hanging out with family, I don't like being the host very much. My home is my sanctuary and I'm a little OCD. It stresses me out having people there. That is me too. I think for every 10 trips I take to see people, they come see me one. And that is fine with me. My mother just spent 9 days with me over her spring break. 9 FREAKING DAYS! It was torture.
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heartvolunteer
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Post by heartvolunteer on Mar 22, 2013 10:22:42 GMT -5
I do most of the traveling out of the entire extended and nuclear family. (Of course, I'm single, childless, and pet-less out of the 50 or so of us.) That being said, the cities I've lived in have dictated some of the reasons/excuses why people do or do not visit me. When I live in Buffalo (I was rarely visited, despite being 15 miles down the straight road to Niagara Falls - and who wouldn't want to see Niagara Falls at least once?). Toronto - no one really wanted to drive that way more than once. (My people are all in downstate NY area.) Now that I live in Baltimore - I get visitors every two months or so for various reasons. In my first year hear, I saw my folks actually in my apartment more often in that small time period, than the entire 9 years I lived in Buffalo. That math, oi vey, not so flattering to me! But I've been reliably informed by my father, of all people, that if I were to pop out a grandkid, well, then they'd start acting like locusts. No mention of a husband, mind, just the kid. Probably would have disturbed me less if it had come from my momma, but no, this one was definitely from my dad!! Not sure which disturbs me worse! Either way, the move south was a good move for me - I moved 4 states away and 4 hours closer. Gotta love NY geography!! And I can take the planes, trains, buses, and driving in far less time these days. *shrugs* Good thing I like public transportation and reading and sitting for significant periods of time!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 22, 2013 10:30:00 GMT -5
I was going to say this exact same thing. Just because your door is always open doesn't mean that someone actually knows you want them to walk through it. [/span]
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Mar 22, 2013 10:37:58 GMT -5
Depends on where you live. When I lived in Florida I had lots of friends and family come visit. But who wants to visit the Midwest? Not even me. We're in California, a two-mile drive from the beach and less than 15 min from local wine country. It's still our responsibility to spend my princely 3 weeks of yearly vacation visiting family in the Midwest, and DH's parents keep finding excuses not to come out to visit us...while simultaneously pressuring us to visit his sister in NY too. I'm morbidly curious to see whether their impending grandkid pulls them out here, but guessing that's just going to up the pressure to visit them more
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cael
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Post by cael on Mar 22, 2013 10:46:08 GMT -5
My DH's family is about 5 hours away from us in NJ. We go down 3-4 times a year to see them - his mom, stepdad, younger brother, and his older sister & her kids are all down there. They basically never come up here, but we prefer it that way. Hosting his mom at our place is annoying because she's annoying and we understand that traveling with 4 boys is hard for his sister, for money and scheduling reasons. After we have kids we won't be going down as much and they'll all have to deal; his sister will understand & be fine with it, his mom might complain but oh well. My parents on the other hand live 10mins away from us, we always go to them but they never come to our place. Sometimes it makes us sad, but my mom has bad knees and we live 3 floors up, so I kinda get it. My brother used to come over before he had no car insurance and no gas money to drive the 20mins to see us, so we have to go to him now (which isn't often since his apartment is a disgusting nightmare)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 22, 2013 10:47:21 GMT -5
I'd love to have California friends or family to visit!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Mar 22, 2013 10:48:20 GMT -5
Rukh's thead over siblings made me think of a question of my own. You ever have a situation with your friends/family who live reasonably far away and you always go to visit but they never come and visit you? As I said, it's pretty much that way with my sister and my best friend. I'll go to the time and expense of traveling out there to see them on a fairly regular basis but it's not recipricated. I try to not be bitter about it, but in all honesty it is kind of annoying and gives the impression that they take it for granted. Sometimes that is just how things develop. And, i know that when we were younger, we did more traveling just because we didn't have kids, etc. Also, sometimes it is more comfortable for you at their place versus them at your place. I really dont' think you should take it personally. And, if you don't want to go visit then don't. For me, one of my best friends usually comes here 99% of the time. They like to travel and for them to come here is like a day out of town for them and they seem to enjoy coming here most of the time. I do visit from time to time but it is much easier for them to come here. And, resentment could run both ways. They come for holidays quite often so i am the one doing all the cooking, prepping, etc. My point, don't let these kinds of things become a bone of contention. If you don't want to go, don't go. And, make plans to invite them to your home if that is what you would like.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 22, 2013 11:08:14 GMT -5
Depends on where you live. When I lived in Florida I had lots of friends and family come visit. But who wants to visit the Midwest? Not even me. We're in California, a two-mile drive from the beach and less than 15 min from local wine country. I wanna visit!!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 22, 2013 11:20:12 GMT -5
Me, too! I have a cousin out there but he's a whackadoodle. A rich one but still, too crazy for a visit.
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