Ever visit friends/family that never visit you?

[formerroomate99]

Yes, I've visited people who never visit me.  But the lack of visits are usually due to advanced age or having a bunch of kids.   Among my circle of friends, I prefer to entertain at my house rather than go over to their houses, but that is because I have allergies and most of my friends are a bit messy. 

The only ones I do resent are my inaws, who are not that old, are not working, and expect us to pack up 3 preschoolers and drive to West Deliverance because they had to go that far out to be able to afford space for all my MIL's useless nicknacks.  And of course, she can't possibly dust all that crap, even though she doesn't work, which leaves me with a whopper of a sinus headache and one heck of a stomache ache every time I go over there.  But if I don't want to spend all day there and make myself physically sick, I'm the bad DIL. 

[Shooby]

Mar 22, 2013 9:19:42 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Mar 21, 2013 17:06:18 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

We visit my brother and his family a couple of times a year and we stay with them (mostly holidays and family gatherings). They live about an hour and a half car's drive away from us. They almost never visit us - well, they've come up for family stuff, but they don't stay at our house. Three of them are very allergic to our cats

I'd prefer people not stay at my house. It gets me too nutted up. A motel is much better all around.

ETA: Minnesota...I just saw your post. Ditto. LOL

I would much rather stay at a hotel than someone's house.  I just find it much more comfortable to really have my own space.  Even when we go visit my sis, we stay in a hotel.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I'd love to have California friends or family to visit!

Mi casa es su casa.

[Deleted]

Mar 22, 2013 13:22:02 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

I'd love to have California friends or family to visit!

Mi casa es su casa.

road trip to Cali!!!!

[Deleted]

Mar 22, 2013 13:59:55 GMT -5 @robbase2012 said:

Mar 22, 2013 13:22:02 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Mi casa es su casa.

road trip to Cali!!!!

[lurkyloo]

You're all invited   I recommend you come in May--more cherries, fewer screaming newborns!

[Deleted]

Mar 22, 2013 13:22:02 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

I'd love to have California friends or family to visit!

Mi casa es su casa.

<<wonders if Loop would agree>>

[Phoenix84]

Mar 21, 2013 22:00:03 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

It always makes me growl a little bit that it's our job to go visit people in the Midwest, not vice versa--even though we have jobs and limited vacation time while our parents are all retired with unlimited time.  Worse, when we drive 2500 miles out there it's STILL our job to drive back and forth the hour+ between parental houses...and to drive the parents around.  Last October I kept trying to explain that this was the only vacation we got and we needed some rest, and MIL just wouldn't let up that all the aunts/uncles would be SO DISAPPOINTED if we didn't go visit them.  I think she finally shut up when I pointed out we hadn't even seen my parents yet.  Next time I'm going straight to "If people want to see us they can damn well come visit us in California."

On the flip side, DH's sister has been out to visit 3-4 times and we haven't yet made it to NYC to visit her   And my dad does usually come out and stay with us for several weeks in the winter--though that's as much for his benefit as ours; he's done with Midwestern winters.

Yeah, I can see how that would be even worse.  You go to the time and expense of visiting "home" and they still expect you to go door to door to see everyone piecemeal.  Fortunately I don't have to do that at least. 

It was like this growing up too.  My parents and I traveled to Florida to see my dad's folks probably at least 3x as much as they came to see us.  In fact I can only remember my grandparents visiting once and my aunts and uncles visiting once. 

[Phoenix84]

"Have you ever actually invited them to come visit? You know saying something like: "Hey, you guys wanna come visit me on X day(s)? We could do y - just like we use to do (or go see Z, or some other activity)". And then seeing where the conversation goes..."

Never outright asked no, but I've dropped hints like "it would be nice to see you out here this summer" and stuff like that or "have you thought about visiting?" 

[Phoenix84]

"It's tougher for folks with children to travel than it is for a single person. It's just a fact of life. [img src="http://images.proboards.com/new/sad.png" alt=" " src="http://images.proboards.com/v5/images/smiley/sad.png"]."

Well, neither of the parties in question have kids.  They are both married though.

At least in my sister's case, combined they make quite a bit more than I do, so money shouldn't be an issue. 

[happyscooter]

We did that one time.  My dad's family lived 14 hours away.  (years ago).  My dad probably invited himself, we just went.  When we got there, we didn't stay in a motel, we stayed with my uncle.  Slept on their living room floor.  Then drove one night to see another uncle, one night drove to see an aunt, no one came to us.  Families lived about 30 minutes away. 

My in-laws lived 10 miles away.  They would never come see us, they said 'we were young and could drive to see them'.  They were 50 years old.

[8 Bit WWBG]

My best friend in college was like that.  After we graduated, I came to see him several times.  Granted, he lived near my family so I was bundling trips.  But still, he was "self-employed" and had family money.  He could have come whenever.

Money prevented me from making some trips.  This year, I am hoping to start making up for that.  A few people have had kids, and I'd love to go visit when things calm down.

[swamp]

Things never calm down. Just go. 

[Shooby]

Mar 23, 2013 2:59:37 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

"Have you ever actually invited them to come visit? You know saying something like: "Hey, you guys wanna come visit me on X day(s)? We could do y - just like we use to do (or go see Z, or some other activity)". And then seeing where the conversation goes..."

Never outright asked no, but I've dropped hints like "it would be nice to see you out here this summer" and stuff like that or "have you thought about visiting?" 

That's like saying "let's do lunch".  If you really want them to come to visit you, you need to call them and set up a date and time for them to come.  Don't be passive aggressive about it.  If that is what you want, then make it happen.

[Shooby]

Mar 22, 2013 13:08:28 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Mar 22, 2013 11:38:25 GMT -5 Shooby said:

I would much rather stay at a hotel than someone's house.  I just find it much more comfortable to really have my own space.  Even when we go visit my sis, we stay in a hotel.

We're the same way, but what do you say when your friends or relatives become offended when you don't stay with them?
"We don't like sharing a bathroom with you....we need a break from you...we aren't comfortable having sex in your guest bed"?

LOL!  That last line might actually work!  However, i just say, we will be staying nearby at the Hotel and leave it at that.  They might act offended for a minute then they get over it and it is no big deal.

[Shooby]

Not everything in life is even steven.  You just take people where they are and as they are.  For a lot of relationships, i am the one who predominately travels or vice versa.  It is just the way it is and how it works out.  If those relationships are important to you and you feel cared for in other ways, then i don't see a problem.  However if you feel that it is totally a one way street, then stop going to visit if you don't want to go.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Things never calm down. Just go.":::...

Its as much for them as for me.  I'm thinking more that when the kid is at least 6m-1y, and they have adjusted to life as parents, visitors will be more welcome.  From what other friends have told me, a child is like setting a bomb off in your living room.  I understand that their freedom is changed forever, but I doubt either of us are in for much fun if I visit and spend the whole time sitting around while they tend to the kid.

This particular friend though; even when he was single, amply funded, and every day his own, he came specifically to visit me once in 4 years.  But he came down close by twice a year for other events, and didn't have time to hang out.  It frustrates me.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm just going to start asking bluntly: "please tell me where I fit into your priorities."  This also happened recently in a professional setting.  If you just come out and say that I'm low on the list, then I can plan accordingly.  But when I'm waiting on you and you let me down, then that hurts.

[Shooby]

  Not all relationships are going to be close relationships.  But, that doesn't mean they can't still be part of your life or have a place.   You may desire a closer relationship but they may be happy keeping it more on the periphery.  If so, you need to decide if that works for you too.  If it does, great.  If not, then you can move on.
  And, also remember that we all have "seasons of life".  There are friends i lost contact with completely or had only minimal contact but then YEARS later we reconnected and are now much more actively involved in each other's lives.  So, while you are all busy with the stuff of life, that may be the case.   But, keeping the door open may allow you to reconnect in a significant way down the road.

[Phoenix84]

My best friend is having a kid this summer.  But I still plan on visiting a couple of months after they were born.  I did ask when I should come down and they seemed to want me there shortly after the kid was born, but after all the other family had showed up to gawk at the baby.  Which is fine with me.  I'm fine with seeing a 2 month old vs. a newborn, and I won't have to compete for time with the other family. 

I'm sure it is a major adjustment to being a parent but *shrugs* they seemed fine with it. 

[tcu2003]

We moved away from family about 14 months before we had a child. In the first 14 months, our only visitors were my parents and sis and niece (one time, all together). Since having a baby, my MIL has been twice, DH's older bro has been once, DH's younger bro and his family has been once, my sis and her family have been twice, as my mom has been 4 times. So, have a baby - people will travel to see you..but be careful what you wish for....

I totally get this, though. We are still expected to make tons of trips back, and it's hard to see everyone when we're back. We typically stay with my sis, so then have to drive out to see DH's parents (about 50 min away), plus his brothers. I've just started telling ILs when we'll be at their house and anyone that wants to see us can show up then.

[Shooby]

Just do what works for YOU.  For a long time, DH and i ran between our parents homes for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Then, we decided that was getting annoying.  So we told his parents we could come there for Thanksgiving and my family for Christmas.  After we had kids, then the roads were too snowy and we didn't want to travel in potential storms with babies, so we told them we were staying home.  And, they could either come up or not.  They were always invited.  Dh's parents didn't bother, mine did. 

[Deleted]

Mar 22, 2013 10:47:21 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I'd love to have California friends or family to visit!

Zib,

Don't you still have property in OR that you need to inspect every year? Can't you fly via SFO with a few days layover?