constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Mar 15, 2013 19:45:22 GMT -5
I'm 43 now. I don't remember being overly stressed about turning 30. So, I guess if I don't remember it, even if I was, it wasn't REALLY that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Honestly, my 30's were probably my best decade yet, although I was drunk...a lot...but that's part of why they were the best. Lol! And I don't drink now, at all, maybe an occasional beer with wings or out with friends, but that's it. My 40's have pretty much stunk. I mean, nothing horrible, but they've been pretty blah compared to my 30's. Other than financially, things are a million times better now than in my 30's. I'm hoping things start looking up . I'd say my biggest struggle age wise was late 30's, like 38-39-40, not really because of "the number" but more because I was ending a bad relationship and having to accept the reality that I probably would not have children. That was a tough time for me.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Mar 15, 2013 20:12:45 GMT -5
Wait until you hit the big 60 ! The big 70 is next year for me. I really want to do something special... Like a ride on the Orient Express (although THAT may be out of the question) a train ride somewhere really off the grid and somewhere exotic. Or a river cruise in eastern Europe or Russia.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Mar 15, 2013 20:31:40 GMT -5
See. 30 blows. You aren't the you that you want to be which makes you miserable. 40 is even worse because you're still not the you that you want to be and now it feels like you're out of time to get there. This is usually when people start drinking a lot. Somewhere between 50 and 60 you make your peace with the fact that you just flat out aren't going to do a lot of things you want to do. As long as you have some money set aside for retirement life gets better from that point on. If you don't you start stressing the fuck out because you've only got a few more years left to work and if your body gives out on you you'll end up in some shitty basement mooching off your resentful kids. In short, being an adult sucks then you die. It's usually better if you don't think about it too much... and drink a lot. I like who I am at 31. Am I the person I thought I would be? Nope. I am so much more than I ever imagined.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2013 21:38:05 GMT -5
30's started out decently as I got married 2 months after my 30th birthday. Then ended ended horribly when my dad died 6 months after said wedding and my mother died when I was 38. I could have done without becoming an orphan. Now I get to be a frumpy unemployed 40 in exactly 7 days and not really looking forward to it. Ran into medical issues after my layoff last May so finding a job kind of fell on the back burner for me. On the plus side, I will be starting a training program to brush up on my skills so I can find a new job and maybe figure out what I want to be when I grow up. And the best thing of all is I will be able to drive again!!!!!!!! Best birthday present ever!!!!!! Then I get to make my husband give up his license. Can't wait.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Mar 16, 2013 6:03:44 GMT -5
I also turn 28 this year - most days I am fine but some days I do ask myself the questions you do - Do I want kids? Where do I want to live? etc.
I have always been attached to my parents, but as I get older and as they get older, the less I want to go far away from them, which is hard when DH is staring down the possibility of a job a few hours away. I like being 7 miles from my parents! I have mild panic attacks when I think of them not being around.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2013 14:00:06 GMT -5
Thanks everyone.
I turn 28 on April 25 and my wife on May 6.
The "be together" is not about not loving each other or not wanting to be together. When we started dating 10 years ago we both had those dreams and things we expected to accomplish by now or 30; but now it is like my goals work against hers and vice versa.
Ex: she was offered a great opportunity to work for a non profit abroad for 2 years. She always wanted to do that but the issue is I would not be able to follow or will I? So the suggestion is maybe she should go and spend 2 years abroad and I stay here focus on my career etc. We would still be together, visit each other but focusing on our own stuff.
Or me moving a lot for work means her job will have to take a back burner. My current regional Vice President has worked in 6 different states and her husband had to be the stay at home dad for their 4 kids. Is that fair for me to ask her to do?
Our goals (career wise) seems to be moving in opposite directions and at some point one person will have to take one for the team ; we just don't want it to end up with one person resenting the other.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Mar 16, 2013 14:46:38 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. I turn 28 on April 25 and my wife on May 6. The "be together" is not about not loving each other or not wanting to be together. When we started dating 10 years ago we both had those dreams and things we expected to accomplish by now or 30; but now it is like my goals work against hers and vice versa. Ex: she was offered a great opportunity to work for a non profit abroad for 2 years. She always wanted to do that but the issue is I would not be able to follow or will I? So the suggestion is maybe she should go and spend 2 years abroad and I stay here focus on my career etc. We would still be together, visit each other but focusing on our own stuff. Or me moving a lot for work means her job will have to take a back burner. My current regional Vice President has worked in 6 different states and her husband had to be the stay at home dad for their 4 kids. Is that fair for me to ask her to do? Our goals (career wise) seems to be moving in opposite directions and at some point one person will have to take one for the team ; we just don't want it to end up with one person resenting the other. ...you raise excellent questions... ...imo, you also have more questions to ask... is your career more important than your marriage? what is your opinion about "business trips" or temporary dislocations? what is your definition of "fair"? or "success"? or "family demands"? what is an acceptable risk for long-term gain? ...do I know people who've spent many weeks/months apart for work responsibilities? yes... ...did they make it work? yes... ...did some not? yes... ...iow, things often come with a classic CBA... and some things blow the curve... that's life, too... at any age...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2013 16:13:26 GMT -5
Her career aspiration is to be a SAHM, how exactly is it taking one for the team if she isn't doing an international assignment? From the things you have said, and the job assignments she takes, I don't think she's really a career focused individual. It has always sounded more like you are pushing her to work to pay back the student loans she took out to get extremely educated. It's my impression that you are quite the steamroller when it comes to financial decision making. How often does she state opinions in that area? I'm betting it's not very often & she just sort of does what she wants and hopes she doesn't get into too much trouble with you when you realize what she is up to Seems to me like she's already taken a couple for the team due to your career choices: months of separation, losing an apartment she loved (friends, neighborhood, family too which just adds insult to injury with losing the granite counters and all), moved in with her mom to reduce expenses while looking for a job in the new area you already moved to, then accepting your quick change & move to yet another area, re-starting her job search and getting a new job there. It seems clear that your career is the only priority and that has been accepted. Also that you've agreed your having/hoping for children together. The only thing you probably differ on is that she will expect to be SAHM longer than you will accept her being one.
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grits
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Post by grits on Mar 16, 2013 16:39:34 GMT -5
3-0 4-0 5-0 6-0 are just numbers don't you know? No need to worry until it's moldy green below.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 16, 2013 16:47:55 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. I turn 28 on April 25 and my wife on May 6. The "be together" is not about not loving each other or not wanting to be together. When we started dating 10 years ago we both had those dreams and things we expected to accomplish by now or 30; but now it is like my goals work against hers and vice versa. Ex: she was offered a great opportunity to work for a non profit abroad for 2 years. She always wanted to do that but the issue is I would not be able to follow or will I? So the suggestion is maybe she should go and spend 2 years abroad and I stay here focus on my career etc. We would still be together, visit each other but focusing on our own stuff. Or me moving a lot for work means her job will have to take a back burner. My current regional Vice President has worked in 6 different states and her husband had to be the stay at home dad for their 4 kids. Is that fair for me to ask her to do? Our goals (career wise) seems to be moving in opposite directions and at some point one person will have to take one for the team ; we just don't want it to end up with one person resenting the other. Well, I don't know if this helps or not. I was "supposed" to be the SAHP (DH and I agreed on the lifestyle when we were dating/engaged). 3 years into our marriage, I was due with our first. DH was finishing grad school with no job prospects and I had the family supporting job. So, it made more sense my H to be the SAHP. (To be fair to my DH, he gave up a career by deciding to stay in the same city as me when I was in grad school. ) 10 years into our marriage, we still not have achieved what we've agreed upon. (I'm working a ton and DH is still the SAHP). But, again, to me it's details. We are still meeting our other goals: we have a functional family, we are traveling, we have a house, we are living close to the SAHP lifestyle. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who does what. I'm too tired to keep track of our activities. We are team meeting our goals. (Though,I think I have it better, actually, working than dealing with the mundane aspects of life day in and day out. ) I think it also works for us because our goals are not career focused. Our goals are more about relationships than status or things. But they've always been that way. I knew a couple that had lived apart for their entire marriage (20ish years). They saw each other on weekends. Within 3 years of the husband retiring and moving in with his wife, they ended up divorcing. I have a chance to apply for my dream job. I'm still on the fence about even applying. The job will require me to be away from my family on the weekends. I'll be working 7 days a week. I'm not sure I'm ready to ask everyone to sacrifice so that I can have my dreams. I think that's asking a lot. So, I'd guess I'd ask the both of you, what's most important-doing what's best for you as individuals or what's best for your marriage. If you are still thinking you want what's best for you as individuals, then, maybe it's best to hold off on kids for a while yet. Once you know what you value the most, the rest should fall into place.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 16, 2013 17:52:17 GMT -5
cawiau, I grew up among a lot of families where one person's career took precedence. I met most of them when the fruits were in full bloom (international assignments, high salaries, perks...) but getting there was quite a different story. There were a lot of spouses who were practically single parents for a good part of the beginning of those careers. And very few people START off with the cool assignments like London or Sydney. You go where they tell you, and that can mean being moved again very quickly.
Now, most of those folks made it through the "dues paying" period, and were reaping the rewards. It isn't something everyone can do.
Rock It has made some valid points. Although the move to Boston so quickly after Oneonta was for your DW more so than you (you were really looking forward to banking cash in a LCOLA, and we still don't know whether your DW . . . didn't give Oneonta job searches her "A game"), you have stated on many occasions that you are not comfortable with her being a SAHW or SAHM while the SL balances are so large. I can't say I blame you. You'll pay them off a lot faster with two people working.
Whats important is that you do seem to be having these conversations. I think she should go for that overseas job, if for no other reason than to see if she can get it. But you of course have to be prepared for the possibility that if she does, she will take it.
FWIW, if I had some money for every person I'd heard go from "It'll only be for 6 months to a year" (before leaving) to "I'm trying to get it extended for a third year", I probably wouldn't have to work. Doubly so if being overseas gives you a pretty sweet deal. Its very hard to come back to where you were.
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MarleyKeezy78
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Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Mar 16, 2013 20:16:20 GMT -5
Let me tell you what. Your thirties are nothing to be afraid of. I got pregnant when I was thirty and that was after DH and I said no kids. I was surprised when I turned thirty one because baby brain made me forget I turned thirty We figured it out and haven't looked back! I am now a SAHM and have a kick ass 4yr old Never feel you aren't going to be able do something because of money because at some point you just have to jump in head first! You sound as if you are in a very good place and know your boundaries in regards to giving out money! Think of your thirties as a better version of your twenties! Get out there and go for it Sorry for the babble, I am celebrating St. Practice day
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Mar 16, 2013 20:32:36 GMT -5
You'll know the answers at the time you should know - ie: Do you want kids, etc. This one is something the two of you HAVE to discuss and be on the same page about.
The house is also something that should be a joint decision.
Once you both are on the same page, you'll know if it's time.
The one thing on your list that bothers me is your very first question. You're questioning if you want to be together. If you're questioning that, it's something that you have to figure out now before you even think about everything else on your list. That's a red flag - especially since it's at the top of your list.
Given your age, I assume you haven't been married all that long so you don't need all the answers before you're thirty. BUT you do have to both be in sync on the big decisions. And that first question you asked has to be addressed before you even THINK about the others on your list.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2013 20:57:43 GMT -5
I turned 30 back in the days when everybody under 25 was shouting "Don't trust anybody over 30!" It was very depressing just thinking about turning 30, like turning 30 made me old and untrustworthy. Duh.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 16, 2013 21:40:25 GMT -5
cawiau-you and yours' life story has only just begun. The two of you are just past your 'Once upon a time' beginning. As your story goes on there will be many plots and sub plots along the way. The two main characters in the story are going to have to figure out the best way to get by all the obstacles the story is going to throw your way. It's going to be a long time before you finally hit the 'And they lived happily ever after' ending.
There is no avoiding the middle chapters of the book and it will be impossible to skip right to the end. You and yours are just going to have to find your way through it all. There will be ups and downs for both of you. If you work together and decide as a team what works best for both of you, every thing will be okay.
To quote Lynn H. Hough, “Life is a journey, not a destination.”
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