People who multitask on the phone

[8 Bit WWBG]

Anyone know someone who is like this: who just can't possibly devote their full attention; and then they keep asking you to repeat things or they pause for a long time before replying because they are doing something else and aren't really focusing?  Then they give you really simplistic answers because they aren't really paying attention?

[ihearyou2]

I do it all the time but mainly with my wife so I don't feel bad.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I hate hate HATE when DW tunes me out.  Doubly so when the subject of conversation is something that is for her benefit.

[Apple]

Have to admit I do that when my sister calls.  It's usually the same rant, where she badmouths the new SIL, complains about coworkers I don't know, and goes on for over an hour.  Usually I just play a card game on the computer, sometimes I do dishes or light house work.  She doesn't call as much anymore, so now I might listen attentively for the first few minutes, but once she starts into the same old rant I start to occupy myself with other stuff.

I talk very little, so it's annoying when people do that to me.  I quit talking pretty fast when it happens, then they get mad at me...

[8 Bit WWBG]

Yeah, but do you do it when you expect or want something?  I mean like, I call you to try and plan something out that benefits you, and its like I'm bugging you?

I am seriously just not that important to my wife.

[resolution]

I do it to my dad accidentally sometimes. He will call and ask me to solve a technical issue or look something up on the internet, and while I am researching his request I tune out a little and irritate him. It can be a no win situation because if I ignore his request to keep my attention on the conversation then it is irritating that I didn't respond to the request.

Is it possible that your wife doesn't want to engage in the particular discussion and is tuning you out to avoid the discussion? When you say it is to her benefit, is it the constructive criticism type conversation or is it a plan to get her something that she really wants?

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"When you say it is to her benefit, is it the constructive criticism type conversation or is it a plan to get her something that she really wants?":::...

It can be all sorts of things, but I get most irritated when it happens during the "what shall I slave in the kitchen for 45 minutes to make while you relax, or would you rather I go buy us dinner" conversation.

I know she isn't a "plan" kind of person, but these things don't just HAPPEN!  You want a certain thing, first of all be thankful I'm willing to make it.  Some houses, you eat what the cook wants to make, and if you don't like it, you pour yourself cereal.  Sorry but some things take longer to make so I have to plan.  But "plan" means "make decisions" and some people are just terrible at making decisions.

I need to just stop reaching out, I really do.  Some variables have a way of becoming FAR less important when the person who wants them actually has to work to make them happen.

[Peace Of Mind]

I have a brother who talks and talks and talks.  I can set the phone down and go brush my teeth since he never comes up for air.  But lately I will read here or the news and he has busted me a few times.    I think he's on to me. 

But I do hate it when I'm at a register to purchase something and they are on the phone ignoring me when I'm the one that took the time to drive there and actually buy something.  And sometimes (kids mostly) they are on their personal phone to a friend just chatting away!      The rudeness lately seems to still surprise me no matter what I encounter these days.  So now I just shop on the internet and have DH do the returns.   My DH is the bestest of them all!  

[resolution]

Mar 8, 2013 20:29:01 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"When you say it is to her benefit, is it the constructive criticism type conversation or is it a plan to get her something that she really wants?":::...

It can be all sorts of things, but I get most irritated when it happens during the "what shall I slave in the kitchen for 45 minutes to make while you relax, or would you rather I go buy us dinner" conversation.

I know she isn't a "plan" kind of person, but these things don't just HAPPEN!  You want a certain thing, first of all be thankful I'm willing to make it.  Some houses, you eat what the cook wants to make, and if you don't like it, you pour yourself cereal.  Sorry but some things take longer to make so I have to plan.  But "plan" means "make decisions" and some people are just terrible at making decisions.

I need to just stop reaching out, I really do.  Some variables have a way of becoming FAR less important when the person who wants them actually has to work to make them happen.

You might have to just give up and stop asking her about the dinner plans. I am in the same situation with DH where he never has an opinion if I ask him what he wants to eat for dinner. I will sometimes ask him which of two meals he would prefer, and he still doesn't have an opinion. There is no point in frustrating us both by pressing the issue so I just try to avoid ingredients that I know he doesn't like and sometimes he ends up eating something experimental that he doesn't recognize. He's quite content to eat whatever I cook.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I do it sometimes when I'm on the phone for a long time.  It isn't because I want to ignore the person, it's because I'm a very visual/action oriented person and listening to things makes me zone out (It's the same thing when listening to music, being in class, etc.  

In order to keep my attention (even on a subject I'm totally interested in), I need to be watching or doing something.  So when on the phone, I tend to start doing something to occupy my hands & eyes.  Of course, this reduces my attention to the phone.  
My friends and family know this and I prefer to go see them in person, even if our visit consists of talking while we run their errands or they clean their house. 

[swamp]

Mar 8, 2013 20:55:13 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

Don't slave over cooking something for 45 minutes that you think will please your wife. Fix something that you want, you know she will eat it and move on. It's dinner... It shouldn't be a point of contention in your marriage. It's most certainly not a hill I would choose to die on.

Younexpend way too much energy trying to make her happy. 

[Deleted]

Sigh. I don't really know how to offer advice here, really. We've given similar to you for years... Seems like?  I guess I'll just second what the others say, cook what you like and stop making it into a thing. Let her get cereal ( or cook) if she doesn't like it... 

...and so on, as I'm sure it's more than just dinner... But if it matters to you and she  can't bother, make your own decision...

[raeoflyte]

I finally realized that Dh ate pretty much anything and stopped trying to come up with his favorite meal.

[swamp]

I realized DH doesnt like anything so I cook for me. He can eat cereal if he doesn't like dinner. 

[midjd]

I am seriously just not that important to my wife.

I agree with the others... dinner plans are really nothing to get worked up over (for either of you), but it's just a symptom of the larger problem.

[Works4me]

Sounds to me like someone's cranky ..... frustranted..... not getting any? lol

Nothing new to say on this topic - you've heard it all before. Question is what are you going to do about it?

Ready to go to counselling yet?

[Works4me]

[zibazinski]

 WWBG, you're breaking my heart. Please, please, please try to find out what it is you see in this person, you deserve so much better than you get.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Resolution, you and I have the Dad thing in common.  Computers are an area where my Dad feels completely powerless.  If he is calling me, he is already frustrated because something is not working.  He is impatient, irritable, and a yeller by nature (which I've definitely inherited) so I always have to be very calm, and chart out what I'm doing, and update periodically when there is too much silence/wait time.  I think its the silence that is the most frustrating.

Once he'd lost his wireless key (which I saved since I knew it would happen).  That was a fun one...

"OK Dad, I saved the key so let me just find it . . . hmmmmm what did I name the file.... OK I'm looking in my archives, I think it was "wireless key Dad".... hmmmm I'll do a search, typing in wiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrreeeellllesssss....... OK found it."

...:::"so I just try to avoid ingredients that I know he doesn't like":::...

Heh, I could have some fun and go the other way.  Honey I told you that this lentil soup has veal in it, and you said it was fine.  Weren't you listening?

...:::"Younexpend way too much energy trying to make her happy.":::...

Yeah, I think that was in our vows or something.  Dinner was just one example.  Another might be something like "well if you want to make that movie AND you want to go to that store that closes early, then we have to make sure we leave by noon".

With that last one, I've just stopped.  And when we inevitably don't make it, oh well.

Something I've always said, that I am trying harder to live by: anything that truly must happen will have time made for it.  Everything else is fluff.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Ready to go to counselling yet?":::...

I looked up locals and costs.  I think I'd be happier if I directed that money towards paying off debt.  $120/hour, once a week?  Yet I can't afford to max my roth?  I don't think so.

Part of the reason I'm so anxious lately is because the light is SOOOOO CLOOOOSE!!!!  I'm at "only" 4 figures for the first time in 5 years.  I'm just restless getting to that last part and want to be done with that chapter in my life.  Paying off the debt will at least allow me to feel some sense of accomplishment to balance out the shame.  Everything irks me when I focus on this subject.


...:::"Um.......well........um  I think sometimes....well....you know.......  What was it you said?":::...



You've been listening in on me, haven't you!  Throw in a "can we talk about this later" and you've got us!

[8 Bit WWBG]

FWIW, I feel a lot better today.  I have a great day planned.  I already did some light exercise (see the heart rate monitor thread).  I'm doing some volunteer work, and I have brioche dough I need to shape, rise, and bake.  Very high hopes for that last one.

I charted out my debt trajectory.  My goal is to have it gone by September.  It could really go either way.  I should be making at least a $2k payment this month, which brings me down to $7k.  If I can keep a $1k/month pace, and use the full power of triple check when it comes up again in August, and keep everything else at sane levels, I might just make it.  Then I can start my next birthday with no consumer debt.  I haven't had 0 consumer debt since I was 24.  The most important decade of potential wealth building, lost.  The greatest alignment of price/rate opportunity to amass real estate in my lifetime, gone.

I can't say what the future will bring, but what does give me hope is that maybe I'll actually be in a position to take advantage of opportunities instead of sulk on the sidelines.

[Miss Tequila]

Mar 8, 2013 21:23:44 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

Sometimes DH will make a suggestion for dinner but meal planning is mostly up to me. I used to get frustrated but I realized that what was for dinner wasn't that big of a deal to him. He just wants to eat dinner... What it is doesn't really matter to him.

My husband is just happy when I actually cook...he is smart enough to know not to bitch about WHAT a cook

[Miss Tequila]

WWBG, you need to stop making everything perfect for your wife.  She ain't a princess...if she wants to make a dinner, movie and a store before it closes than she had best get her ass in gear and get out the door.  If she doesn't, then she doesn't get to do what she wanted.  It isn't on you to make that happen.  And honestly, if nagging her like a child isn't going to push her along any quicker...it will just cause friction.

And stop cooking elaborate dinners...in fact, let her cook and share the duties.  It is just food

[zibazinski]

 Honest to GOD, are you my DF? It is only with me talking as tactfully as I can and then sometimes not so tactfully that he finally is not such a pushover. Can you understand that pushovers are not respected?

[resolution]

I think you should pay for the counseling first and find out if your marriage can be fixed before you accumulate a bunch of assets to be split.

[midjd]

I looked up locals and costs.  I think I'd be happier if I directed that money towards paying off debt.  $120/hour, once a week?  Yet I can't afford to max my roth?  I don't think so.

Do you think maxing your Roth is going to help your marital problems?

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2013 12:21:51 GMT -5 resolution said:

I think you should pay for the counseling first and find out if your marriage can be fixed before you accumulate a bunch of assets to be split.

[br

Hell to the YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Deleted]

Exactly, what good is maxing your Roth if you end up giving half of it away some day?

[8 Bit WWBG]

I think that I could stand to be a happier person, and a big part of what has brought me down all these years is the consequences of the horrendous financial choices that I wanted to avoid in the first place.

I always did find the "pushover" thing an interesting quandary.  They complain when they don't get their way, then they complain when they get their way too much.  Fun!  I am too nice though, and that does need to change.  Hard patterns to break.

I did wonder about assets being split.  It would be icing on the cake if after all I've already provided, if I had to split what I saved.  It makes me wonder whether BMW payments are a better investment than a Roth if I seriously see things headed in that direction.

[swamp]

You wouldnt split your whole Roth, only the contributions while married. If its looking like its headed in that direction, hold on the contribution. Buy some hookers and blow instead.