Doing the right thing is hard

[thyme4change]

We pulled the plug on my daughter's gymnastics. I couldn't take the coach anymore. He was dishonest, and unethical and was charging us more than $1,000 more than other gyms. He was disorganized and a bully. We wouldn't get schedules until the last minute. He and I would yell at each other. One day, I cried all day because I knew I was dealing with a jackhole, and I felt totally stuck. My daughter loved it there - but she was basically coming in last at every competition (Did I say that I didn't think he was a good coach, either?) His solution was to move her up a level, and have her come to practice 5 days a week - for a fee. Her grades have slipped a little, and she didn't show a desperate interest in going to the gym more days.

So, I pulled her out. I told her she could do whatever she wanted - start a different activity or go to a different gymnastics facility. She is lost. She said her preference would be to return to the old gym. I explained that it wasn't in the cards, and she had options (and then numbered out 10 different options.) She went back to the gym's Christmas party and she was so happy to be there with everyone. She was hyped up all day.

I know we are doing the right thing - for her and for us. But it is just so hard to break your child's heart.

Any of you been in a situation where you broke your kid's heart, but it was the right thing? Can you share with me? Maybe this is just a right of passage as a parent.

[Deleted]

Weren't you going to sign her up for dance lessons or something?

I think once she start another activity she will forget about this one.

[thyme4change]

She is 10.

I'm pulling her out for all the reasons - her grades are slipping, she misses everything because she is there so much, and because I am having trouble with the coach.

I am trying to sign her up for dance - but she is being all mealy about it. She's not sure, she doesn't know, that one might be okay - but she's not excited. I'm stumped. Should I push her / force her to at least sign up for dance, or should I let her be activity free for a few months so she mourns gymnastics.

[milee]

A few mixed messages there - if it's really about the grades, let her go without an activity for a few months to see if that helps. If it's really about just choosing an activity that works for her and the family, see if you can encourage her to pick one.

[milee]

Guess it would also help to see what the main objectives are. You mentioned that your daughter was coming in last and things were disorganized. This is a big deal if she hopes to go to the Olympics, get college scholarship, etc., but not such a big deal if you just want her to be physically active at something she enjoys.

Hope that doesn't sound too simplistic, I know everybody has different goals. My youngest is not at all athletic and all I want from his sports activities are that he gets some good exercise and enjoys it, so the things I pick would be very different than if I felt it were important that he developed a certain skills set, for example.

Also, I know for many young girls, being with friends is important, so how much of her enjoyment is in being with her friends versus the activity itself?

[InsertCoolName]

I don't have anything to offer on if it's right or not.

But I think you're doing a good job at being a parent first. Tell her, your grades aren't where they could be, pull them up and keep them up and we will revisit this. And maybe you can 'shop' around? Send a friend to talk to Coach Asshole and see what fees and junk he tells them? If it's completely different, find another place. Ask some of the other parents ballpark figure on what they are paying.

LOL I guess I did have something to say after all.

[Deleted]

thyme - My dd is 11. And, while there might be things they want to do, it isn't always feasible, safe, practical or something you want to invest so much time in. For gymnastics, if you truly believe you have a stellar gymnast at your fingertips who with excellent coaching could excel, then maybe that is something you want to do. My dd wanted to join gymnastics a few years back. However, she is the tallest girl in the class and cannot even do a split. I simply told her that her body was not built for gymnastics and it isn't. And, the schedules for that are grueling and expensive. I wanted my kid to have a relaxed childhood not one where we were constantly on the go, competing, practicing, etc. Think about the long term. What is the long term result? An olympic gymnast or is this really just a hobby? For my kids, their sports and musics are just that hobbies. They play hard, they play for fun, but in the long run, it is only a hobby.
And, my dd gets overwhelmed easily so for her that would also be a bad fit. You know you dd's personality so go from there. And, remember, the hours and hours you spend on gymnastics are hours and hours you are NOT spendning honing other skills.
So, i would just tell her, that is done. And, now you are moving on. I HIGHLY recommend basketball as a great game for girls. Lots of teamwork, camraderie and fun. And, there are girl scouts, taking up an instrument, etc. My goal is to keep our home lives LESS stressful. So, at that age, i did not allow them to join any traveling type leagues where you had to travel all over. Just my preference. We need home/down time too. Once you move her on to something else, she will be fine. And, if she brings it up. Just be matter of fact about it being in the past and redirect to new things. Good luck.

[milee]

OK, In re-reading the post, I'm realizing you're not really asking for advice on the gym thing. So I'll just share a little about my very uncoordinated youngest son. We'll call him "Noodle Boy", not because he eats noodles, but because he's so loose jointed, he's as strong and straight as a noodle. When he runs, it looks like nothing is connected to anything else, it's just all happily flopping along in the same general direction. He is the type kid that you could gently toss a baseball to and it would fly past his outstretched arms to bonk him on the forehead.

Since my family has a strong history of obesity, I want him to find some physical activities he likes. Baseball isn't a great choice for obvious reasons. He's a friendly, happy guy who would love team sports, but I'm suspecting that would prove a problem when the other kids get frustrated with his lack of skill. No biggie. We've found a good karate place and a swim team that he is loving. Amazingly enough, he's getting quite a bit more coordinated, although nobody is ever going to pick him as an athlete. He's really happy.

On the down side, both these programs are ungodly expensive and they're also poorly organized. Since neither is close to the house, it's even more frustrating when you've hustled like mad, driven 30 minutes and show up to find practice has been cancelled. Both sets of coaches are pretty unhappy with me because I don't sign him up for most of the meets and because I modify the practice schedule if he's tired or has homework. I don't care. He's happy and he's getting some exercise.

So do what's right for your kid and your family and don't worry about the rest.

[Deleted]

I'm with Rukh. I think she's missing seeing her friends. If it was the activity she'd join another gym. Can you arrange a sleepover or some other way to spend time with her friends?

You made the right call - super tough. But as the child of parents who wouldn't protect their kid from any dysfunctional/harmful behavior your kid will recover faster from changing activities than seeing an authority figure (her coach) be an utter ass. You sent her a great message - that bullying, lying, and other jackass behavior don't have to be tolerated. Some day, when she's an adult she'll walk away from some jerk or bad situation and you can pat yourself on the back.

[thyme4change]

Thanks for your story milee - you are a good parent to keep searching. My side of the family has zero hand-eye coordination, so the fat kids and the blind kids were picked before me when we played team sports in PE. It is good that today parents see the importance of continuing to find activities that kids enjoy. Unfortunately, they make things so expensive and you have to commit such a huge amount of time at such a young age. Sheesh. Where is the recreation?

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2012 13:13:09 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Thanks for your story milee - you are a good parent to keep searching. My side of the family has zero hand-eye coordination, so the fat kids and the blind kids were picked before me when we played team sports in PE. It is good that today parents see the importance of continuing to find activities that kids enjoy. Unfortunately, they make things so expensive and you have to commit such a huge amount of time at such a young age. Sheesh. Where is the recreation?

You sound like Dark right now lol!

[thyme4change]

You mean Dark-my-kids-better-get-college-dual-sports-scholarships-in-softball-and-swimming-honor?

'el no!

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2012 13:24:45 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

You mean Dark-my-kids-better-get-college-dual-sports-scholarships-in-softball-and-swimming-honor?

'el no!

Yep

[Deleted]

One of my acquaintances has her son in swim and her daughter in dance. I'm shocked at how much time it takes, how much travel and cost is involved. They are competitive but not big leagues.

[Deleted]

Parents be crazy!

[thyme4change]

I think hockey is the most shocking -both in the time requirements and cost. I purposely avoided it with my kids. (And I felt a little bad because my sister's son plays. )

I agree that hockey is way, way up there on the price scale. Luckily it isn't catching on here. It should, because when it is 115 degrees outside, wouldn't you want to be on the ice? But, alas - that one hasn't entered the consciousness of our family yet. Although they did go to ice camp and play broom ball last summer. They thought that was awesome.

[Deleted]

With the time sports seems to consume how does a family with 2 working parents get to do it?

[thyme4change]

With the time sports seems to consume how does a family with 2 working parents get to do it?

It was a big reason I went part-time. I will say that the other parents at the gym did a few things - a few carpooled. Some had more flexible jobs (they owned their own business, so leaving to do chauffer duty wasn't a big deal.) And there were a couple of people who hired trustworthy high school students to drive their kids over. Once your kid reaches a certain age, and you reach a trust level with the organization, you don't have to stay at practice. My daughter was in practice for 3 hours, 3 times per week - I just dropped her off, and came home and did my stuff. Even my son's one hour practice, I could run home, or run an errand. Now he does 90 minutes - I can do even more. Although often I drop him off, but my husband picks him up.

[weltschmerz]

Dec 16, 2012 13:31:13 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

Dec 16, 2012 13:27:24 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

One of my acquaintances has her son in swim and her daughter in dance. I'm shocked at how much time it takes, how much travel and cost is involved. They are competitive but not big leagues.

I think hockey is the most shocking -both in the time requirements and cost. I purposely avoided it with my kids. (And I felt a little bad because my sister's son plays. )

Tell me about it. Our kids HAVE to play hockey. It`s the law.

[swamp]

Dec 16, 2012 13:39:49 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

With the time sports seems to consume how does a family with 2 working parents get to do it?

I have no idea how I do it.

I am looking forward to the day I can drop off ad run errands and don't have to stay. However, that age seems to coincide with the weekend hockey tournaments.

As for the expense of hockey, I don't find it horrible. It was $300 to register for the season and I bought second hand equipment. I had to buy a new helmet though because DS has a big old pumpkin head. It will get more expensive as he gets older.

[thyme4change]

A few mixed messages there - if it's really about the grades, let her go without an activity for a few months to see if that helps.

It does sound mixed - but because she is so far advanced in gymnastics, it was 9 hours during the week, plus 6 hours on the weekend. Even if I sign her up for 5 activities - it would still be less hours and she could do more homework, and get more sleep. The dance class I want her to take is one hour per week - and most of them appear to be Saturday afternoon. So - big difference.

[Deleted]

Thyme, to me there are two issues here.

1, the fact that the coach is dishonest and you don't like him.
2, the fact that he stepped your DD up to practice 5 days a week.

If you don't like the coach, I agree you did the right thing. But, if your DD is sad, could you nix the 5 practices a week and get her back to her old, lighter schedule?

Other thought. Are other parents unhappy with him? If so, perhaps you could encourage some of the other parents to try their kids in another gym class, and you could all sign up your DDs together, so your DD would still see her friends?

This said, here, it would be difficult to do that in the middle of the year, because we sign up for activities for the school year (even if the payment schedule is monthly).

Where I live the most expensive activity is horse riding, by far.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2012 14:39:16 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Dec 16, 2012 13:31:13 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

I think hockey is the most shocking -both in the time requirements and cost. I purposely avoided it with my kids. (And I felt a little bad because my sister's son plays. )

Tell me about it. Our kids HAVE to play hockey. It`s the law.

Now that is ONE law i could sooo get behind! I freakin' love hockey!!

[swamp]

Dec 16, 2012 15:52:10 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Dec 16, 2012 14:39:16 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Tell me about it. Our kids HAVE to play hockey. It`s the law.

Now that is ONE law i could sooo get behind! I freakin' love hockey!!

You're free to take DS to hockey for me anytime you want.

[mmhmm]

She'll get over it, Thyme. If she really wants to continue with gymnastics, she'll change gyms. If she wants to take dance, she'll do that. If she wants to pout, she'll do that. That's the way it is at that age. It probably won't be the worst thing in the world if she just takes some time away from extra-curriculars to get her priorities in order.

[thyme4change]

Other thought. Are other parents unhappy with him? If so, perhaps you could encourage some of the other parents to try their kids in another gym class, and you could all sign up your DDs together, so your DD would still see her friends?

A handful of gals already left the gym and went elsewhere. I offered to take my daughter there, but she is lukewarm on the idea. There are 3 girls left that my daughter is really close to. I am 90% sure if all of them pulled out, the coach would go bankrupt. Half of me wants to rally all the girls to leave - the other half wants to keep my trap shut and let the guy put himself out of business over time.

[Deleted]

I offered to take my daughter there, but she is lukewarm on the idea.

Thyme, as always, I'm not sure how things work there. Can you take her there for a week or two or even a month so she can see if she likes it? If that were an option, that's what I would do.

In an ideal world those girls would be friends of hers and maybe you parents could carpool.

Half of me wants to rally all the girls to leave - the other half wants to keep my trap shut and let the guy put himself out of business over time.

I would do what I thought would be best for my DD, and leave the coach to sink or swim on his own merits (or lack of).

Also, I have to say that to me, practice for a child that age for ANY extracurricular activity 5X a week sounds rather insane, unless she's a real prodigy / Olympic material. I think three times a week is PLENTY for a 10YO, here it would be more like twice a week.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2012 13:39:49 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

With the time sports seems to consume how does a family with 2 working parents get to do it?

I did it as a single parent with 3 kids (and their father lived 4 hours away) and a full-time job. you just make it work.

[Deleted]

you just make it work.

I agree. You carpool, you ask for favors when you need to, and pay it back (and forward) when you can.

BUT, I never had to get any of my four kids anywhere 5 times a week! I could NOT have managed that (nor would I have wanted to, frankly).

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2012 17:13:33 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

you just make it work.

I agree. You carpool, you ask for favors when you need to, and pay it back (and forward) when you can.

BUT, I never had to get any of my four kids anywhere 5 times a week! I could NOT have managed that (nor would I have wanted to, frankly).

I loved the soccer games on saturday when they each had to be at a different field. I just spent my time driving all over the county.