NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 27, 2012 14:50:55 GMT -5
Aw, that's OK POM. Your mom and mine passed away very close together. Not really much chance of it.
BTW, I will wave at you when I pass by this weekend; I'll be in the Lakeland area!
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Nov 27, 2012 14:52:52 GMT -5
Who has been through this? How long till you can focus? How long till I stop just staring at my computer and crying? How long until that first shock really starts to fade? I lost my mother to unnatural circumstances in June of this year. Its been a hard, hard journey. I hated Thanksgiving this year. We didn't celebrate it at all and no-one forced us. In the last 5 months I have gone from crying at work, crying at home and waking up crying in the night to actually feeling the loss and accepting it and crying when I miss her terribly. Its not perfect but I think it has gotten better. For the first 2 months I was a crying mess. I threw myself into my work and that helped a lot. In the last couple of months I have been going back to my childhood memories and remembering Mom. I think what helped me most was talking to people who have faced similar losses. After mom's funeral my brother's friend started talking to me about his mother's death. He just talked and I just listened. He offered no condolences, no advice, just shared his experience. It was so therapeutic to listen to him because someone actually felt the same emotions that I was feeling then! Friends and family members who shared their experiences without patronizing were God sends. I avoided people who gave me lectures on how to cope with it. I avoided them like a plague. I hated hearing the cliches like "Those God loves more, he calls them to him earlier" Its a journey kdamron.....there is no escaping the pain. I am living it right now and as others have said, take one step at a time.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 27, 2012 14:58:46 GMT -5
swasat, You too?! I'm so sorry for your loss. Nancy, I'll be waving back!
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Nov 27, 2012 15:20:48 GMT -5
Yes POM, me too Its so hard.... isn't it?
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TrixAre4Kids
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Post by TrixAre4Kids on Nov 27, 2012 15:32:11 GMT -5
I've been off the boards for awhile, and just caught up with the threads yesterday. My deepest sympathies to you.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 27, 2012 15:35:59 GMT -5
swasat Did it change you? I've lost both real dad and step dad, cousin, step brother, neighbor/friend, etc. but mom's death was life changing for me. I'm still in limbo about my life right now because she was only 69 and my real dad was only 50. So now I'm not sure what my future will be and my dreams and goals are at a stand still. I'm still at the "what if..." stage, I suppose. I wouldn't want to do those things without DH nor he without me so we just put everything on hold for now.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 27, 2012 15:43:23 GMT -5
Mom died in April. Of this year. Dad died in 1980. There's still a hole in my heart where he used to be.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Nov 27, 2012 15:48:29 GMT -5
First holiday weekend almost over. Youngest step daughter called me crying because she missed daddy and after that we texted for a couple hours. At least it's contact... Those poor girls
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Nov 27, 2012 15:55:24 GMT -5
It just takes time and there's no magic number of days. I wish there was. One day at a time and eventually it'll be a tiny bit easier.
I wish you luck in getting more contact with the girls. I truly admire how graceful and classy you have been through this horrible ordeal.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Nov 27, 2012 16:14:05 GMT -5
swasat Did it change you? I've lost both real dad and step dad, cousin, step brother, neighbor/friend, etc. but mom's death was life changing for me. I'm still in limbo about my life right now because she was only 69 and my real dad was only 50. So now I'm not sure what my future will be and my dreams and goals are at a stand still. I'm still at the "what if..." stage, I suppose. I wouldn't want to do those things without DH nor he without me so we just put everything on hold for now. It did POM, life seems to have changed. Dad is no longer the same. He goes through days like nothing has meaning. He still works so at least he is busy. But more than once I have found him wiping his tears. Mom was 59 when she died and Dad is 62. I feel soooo bad for him. I tell myself there are some positives. She got to see and play with her grandkids. She had a good life. I don't want to hijack kdamron's thread. kd, we are all here rooting for you. Be Strong. We'll all help you take one step at a time.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 27, 2012 18:35:47 GMT -5
Who has been through this? How long till you can focus? How long till I stop just staring at my computer and crying? How long until that first shock really starts to fade? I lost my mother to unnatural circumstances in June of this year. Its been a hard, hard journey. I hated Thanksgiving this year. We didn't celebrate it at all and no-one forced us. In the last 5 months I have gone from crying at work, crying at home and waking up crying in the night to actually feeling the loss and accepting it and crying when I miss her terribly. Its not perfect but I think it has gotten better. For the first 2 months I was a crying mess. I threw myself into my work and that helped a lot. In the last couple of months I have been going back to my childhood memories and remembering Mom. I think what helped me most was talking to people who have faced similar losses. After mom's funeral my brother's friend started talking to me about his mother's death. He just talked and I just listened. He offered no condolences, no advice, just shared his experience. It was so therapeutic to listen to him because someone actually felt the same emotions that I was feeling then! Friends and family members who shared their experiences without patronizing were God sends. I avoided people who gave me lectures on how to cope with it. I avoided them like a plague. I hated hearing the cliches like "Those God loves more, he calls them to him earlier" Its a journey kdamron.....there is no escaping the pain. I am living it right now and as others have said, take one step at a time. Yeah, and be sure NOT to tell me that " God doesn't send you more than you handle " or I will choke you. Blech. What a terrible thing to tell someone who is reeling from a loss.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 27, 2012 18:39:18 GMT -5
Sorry for everyone's losses, and I hope that the healing begins and continues for everyone. KD, I think about you often. POM and Swasat, my mother died suddenly a good many years ago, and it's a tough loss. She was ill, but she suddenly died after a fall, and I was the one who had to make the decision as to whether to keep her on life support. I did what she would have wanted, and I know I did the right thing. But, it's still there in my life. She's at peace now and is out of pain, and she was a wonderful mom. We miss her so much. I miss you, Mom !
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2012 22:38:28 GMT -5
KD, my sister went through this. She was 50 and her DH was 55. I've been hesitant to write this because 12 years on, she still really, really misses her DH. But, she has "moved on". She has been in a relationship with her DH's best childhood friend for the last 10 years. He was divorced, then his late wife died. My sister is happy, most of the time. If you met her tomorrow, you would say, she's a happy person. Would she have preferred to be with her late DH? Yes, for sure. She would give ANYTHING for that, to this day. But, she has a nice life, they love each other, they are good to each other, they have immense respect for each other's "previous" lives. They have created a new "team". There IS life after loss, even after great loss. I promise you that. You have to just keep on keeping on, and just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Surround yourself with the people you can be real and honest with, and shun the rest as best as you can. It WILL get better, I promise. Different register, I lost my parents 11 and 12 years ago. I was never close to my mom but I was EXTREMELY close to my dad, even though he was in NY and I am in Paris. Today, DS2 got a job! I thought (as I do EVERY time something significant happens, for better or worse) oh I need to call Dad! Then I thought, OMG, why haven't I spoken to my Dad in so long?! And then I remember, because he is long gone. ALL THIS in the space of LITERALLY 2 or 3 seconds. And my dad has been gone for over a decade! You are doing GREAT. And I am so happy that you have people IRL who love you as much as we do. If by any chance you are coming through Paris on your way to Scotland, please let me know. All the best to you.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 28, 2012 14:42:53 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your stories and encouragement. I've lost grandparents and my college roommate committed suicide (I thought that could be the worse loss I would ever feel), but this just feels so shattered sometimes. I'll be fine and then I just spill over crying. The entire future is a void and all I can think about sometimes is his smile and how I'm going to live out my life without it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 28, 2012 15:03:58 GMT -5
You're going to feel that way for a long time. Then from time to time. Milestones are the worst.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 28, 2012 15:07:20 GMT -5
Debthaven - thanks for sharing that story. Right now the idea of going on seems impossible.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 28, 2012 15:09:56 GMT -5
kdamron: just popping in to give you hugs [[[[ you ]]]]
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 28, 2012 15:16:44 GMT -5
Who has been through this? How long till you can focus? How long till I stop just staring at my computer and crying? How long until that first shock really starts to fade? I lost my mother to unnatural circumstances in June of this year. Its been a hard, hard journey. I hated Thanksgiving this year. We didn't celebrate it at all and no-one forced us. In the last 5 months I have gone from crying at work, crying at home and waking up crying in the night to actually feeling the loss and accepting it and crying when I miss her terribly. Its not perfect but I think it has gotten better. For the first 2 months I was a crying mess. I threw myself into my work and that helped a lot. In the last couple of months I have been going back to my childhood memories and remembering Mom. I think what helped me most was talking to people who have faced similar losses. After mom's funeral my brother's friend started talking to me about his mother's death. He just talked and I just listened. He offered no condolences, no advice, just shared his experience. It was so therapeutic to listen to him because someone actually felt the same emotions that I was feeling then! Friends and family members who shared their experiences without patronizing were God sends. I avoided people who gave me lectures on how to cope with it. I avoided them like a plague. I hated hearing the cliches like "Those God loves more, he calls them to him earlier" Its a journey kdamron.....there is no escaping the pain. I am living it right now and as others have said, take one step at a time. I went through a very similar situation with my mom a little over 2 yrs ago. Her death was completely unexpected. Things are much better now but I cried at least once a day for about 7 months. My dad and my brother were a complete mess and relied upon me to be the strong one. I still miss my mom a lot as she and I were very close but it does get better and like you stated, talking to someone who had been through it helped a great deal while people trying to offer some "phrases of wisdom" made me want to punch them in the face. If I had to hear one more person tell me that "things happen for a reason" or that "God has a plan" I was going to strangle someone Anyway, so sorry for everyone who is going through the pain of losing a loved one. It is not an easy process.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 28, 2012 15:44:15 GMT -5
You all are in my thoughts and prayers today.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 29, 2012 11:01:03 GMT -5
kd - every time I see this thread I think of the song:
If you're going through hell, keep on goin' Don't look back, if you're scared, don't show it You might get out before the Devil even knows you're there...
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Nov 29, 2012 13:09:17 GMT -5
Who has been through this? How long till you can focus? How long till I stop just staring at my computer and crying? How long until that first shock really starts to fade? I'm so sorry It takes about a year to stop being in shock. Of course it depends on who you are, but that's a reasonable time to consider. I'm afraid it's part of the mourning process. Loosing DH is a shock to every system you have. I just went with it and it faded over time. It appears it doesn't ever go away completely. There's a wound in your heart that will scar. The best advice I got was to not make any big decisions for at least that year. God bless you and all that you endeavor to do.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Nov 29, 2012 14:41:01 GMT -5
kd - every time I see this thread I think of the song: If you're going through hell, keep on goin' Don't look back, if you're scared, don't show it You might get out before the Devil even knows you're there... I love that song and DH loved it too. He would always sing to me. The last weekend was Oklahoma Breakdown - 'tell me that you love me if it's true. I don't want no one baby if I can't have you. This Oklahoma breakdown sure does have me crying and I want to tell you that I love you one more time' More tears.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 29, 2012 15:05:03 GMT -5
Songs can be really hard to listen to when you lose a loved one. My dad still refuses to listen to all the songs he and mom used to sing along to on their road trips. He says it just hurts too much. I, however, do listen to songs that remind me of her, even those we played at her funeral. It does hurt but I like being reminded of her. It is hard though because the songs we played at her funeral are songs you might hear on the radio and I'll just be driving along and one will come on the radio and I will start bawling. We played Garth Brooks "The Dance" and Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance." Mom loved these songs and they fit her personality to a tee.
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