formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 7, 2012 13:14:32 GMT -5
and she chose to breed with and marry said douchecanoe, even though he hasn't held a job in years. A lot of people don't seem to realise that being a good mother depends heavily on the decisions you make before the child is conceived. I don't know what she saw in this guy, but it is pretty clear to anyone with a brain that he was never daddy material and that if she wanted to be with him, she shouldn't have brought a child into the mix.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 7, 2012 13:17:31 GMT -5
Any man better than no man at all.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Nov 7, 2012 13:40:01 GMT -5
If she REALLY loves her child, she'll do what it takes to get herself together. SK - It's obvious from that statement that you've never known anyone with severe mental health issues (and I truly don't wish that on you). It's not a question of willpower. It a question of getting the proper assistance which MAY be able to help you back to a good place. When you are in a depressive state additional stressors will not "help" but only drive you further down. We don't know the situation but the dad may be trying to protect his kid, OR he may be trying to drive his wife even futher down a dark hole.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Nov 7, 2012 13:48:43 GMT -5
If she REALLY loves her child, she'll do what it takes to get herself together. SK - It's obvious from that statement that you've never known anyone with severe mental health issues (and I truly don't wish that on you). It's not a question of willpower. It a question of getting the proper assistance which MAY be able to help you back to a good place. When you are in a depressive state additional stressors will not "help" but only drive you further down. We don't know the situation but the dad may be trying to protect his kid, OR he may be trying to drive his wife even futher down a dark hole. My mother is bipolar. Believe me, I'm FULLY aware of the consequences to the KIDS when a parent is mentally ill.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 7, 2012 13:49:33 GMT -5
The other side of the coin is that no one can cause another person to become mentally ill. So while the husband's actions may not be "helping," neither is he the root of all her troubles...
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 7, 2012 13:57:24 GMT -5
To tie this back further to the OP: its going to be interesting to see how the rest of the family gets dragged into it.
On the one hand, usual YM advice is MYOB. Sensible, since cawiau is several hours away, and his advice won't be what they want to hear.
On the other hand, we know the type of "support" this woman has gotten from her family before. Having someone in her corner who will give her advice that helps HER get better, rather than whose motivation is to bleed more money out of her or keep up appearances could make all the difference in her recovery.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 7, 2012 14:02:00 GMT -5
It a question of getting the proper assistance which MAY be able to help you back to a good place.
She was getting it but allowed others to talk her out of it and decided she was well.
And I understand that a lot of mentally ill people don't recognize they still need help and will often stop because they consider themselves "well".
But that doesn't mean she is.
What his motives are none of us can say because we aren't mind readers, but if she's headed down the path of another breakdown even if his motives aren't altrustic the fact remains that he's the sane parent in this situation.
It's a mess and the person who is going to suffer most is the poor kid.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2012 15:22:06 GMT -5
I think she had a nervous breakdown because of all the financial pressures. She will never get better staying with this douchebag or worrying about the "image" in the community. This whole thing is a lose-lose situation. Was it really her choice for him to be a SAHP? At what point you kick the person out? And he can claim it was the plan all along... It is BS!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 7, 2012 15:51:31 GMT -5
She married an unemployed "man" then proceeded to continue to support him, then had a baby with him. She IS mental.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 7, 2012 16:11:30 GMT -5
She married an unemployed "man" then proceeded to continue to support him, then had a baby with him. She IS mental. I just hope to that I can raise my boys to be real men and my girl not to accept anything less.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2012 16:14:28 GMT -5
Love can make people mental.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 7, 2012 16:23:10 GMT -5
She wasn't in love with him. She was pressured to get married. To ANY man. Look at the fancy wedding couple, him with no job and a kid by a baby momma, and living off her. But she got herself a fancy wedding and a MAN! That's all that counts.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 7, 2012 16:24:27 GMT -5
Zib, I think that was a different cousin.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 7, 2012 16:25:05 GMT -5
I know but same family tree.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2012 16:27:17 GMT -5
She wasn't in love with him. She was pressured to get married. To ANY man. Look at the fancy wedding couple, him with no job and a kid by a baby momma, and living off her. But she got herself a fancy wedding and a MAN! That's all that counts. Love sometimes seems like pressure because your heart is pressuring the rest of your chest with its thumping.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 7, 2012 16:34:02 GMT -5
Love can make people mental. I'm not sure you can call this love. It's kinda hard to love someone you can't respect. This guy is more of a pet or expensive accessory than a husband and partner. She wanted to be married and have babies. Mission accomplished. But you have to wonder if she really thought about what she was signing up for, how her choice of a husband would affect her future children or what her view of men in general is.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 7, 2012 16:35:35 GMT -5
What it should be doing is pressuring your head into some common sense. What kind of family stands by and says "okay, marry and procreate with an unemployed leech?" Geez, my family is nuts but not THAT nuts!
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 7, 2012 16:47:39 GMT -5
What it should be doing is pressuring your head into some common sense. What kind of family stands by and says "okay, marry and procreate with an unemployed leech?" Geez, my family is nuts but not THAT nuts! Did she have many options? She's apparently a mental case. Maybe they thought her being alone was even more unhealthy for her?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2012 16:49:25 GMT -5
What it should be doing is pressuring your head into some common sense. What kind of family stands by and says "okay, marry and procreate with an unemployed leech?" Geez, my family is nuts but not THAT nuts! Love is blinding.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 7, 2012 16:53:12 GMT -5
::Was it really her choice for him to be a SAHP?::
I don't know about the parent part, but it was her choice to marry a guy she clearly knew wasn't going to get a job. I think that's kind of the same thing.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 7, 2012 16:56:01 GMT -5
IIRC, it was the pressure of funding the lifestyle they were accustomed to that sent her to the doctor in the first place. Wasn't she not showing up for work because she was going to the park to sit and stare, or cry, or just be alone for a while?
Was there also another mother in the picture? Possibly hers, not his, who used to help fund the lifestyle, but then lost her job/downsized, and the weight of keeping up appearances fell to Mrs. C's cousin?
I forget if these are also the ones who have the Benz and the house that should be foreclosed on. Were these also the ones who took a vacation on CCs a few months before she went to the institution?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2012 16:58:19 GMT -5
"I don't know about the parent part, but it was her choice to marry a guy she clearly knew wasn't going to get a job. I think that's kind of the same thing."
But did she? Maybe he told her he was looking and he wanted to work, whatever... She chose to believe him. I guess she could have just called him out on it but took the chance. There are people even in this forum who took a chance with a guy and it turned out great for them, I believe there are women with ex-drug users, ex-alcoholics, spendthrifts, etc etc... Soem women put their spouse through school and i thought this guy had some job he wanted to get (his problem is being too picky-convenient excuse of course). I know from what happened to me that I think sometimes people say they will do things but they get too comfortable if they are not pushed by their spouses enough, of course if the spouse pushes them, they are controlling or pushy. There is no winning.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 7, 2012 17:24:35 GMT -5
"I don't know about the parent part, but it was her choice to marry a guy she clearly knew wasn't going to get a job. I think that's kind of the same thing." But did she? Maybe he told her he was looking and he wanted to work, whatever... She chose to believe him. I guess she could have just called him out on it but took the chance. There are people even in this forum who took a chance with a guy and it turned out great for them, I believe there are women with ex-drug users, ex-alcoholics, spendthrifts, etc etc... Soem women put their spouse through school and i thought this guy had some job he wanted to get (his problem is being too picky-convenient excuse of course). I know from what happened to me that I think sometimes people say they will do things but they get too comfortable if they are not pushed by their spouses enough, of course if the spouse pushes them, they are controlling or pushy. There is no winning. Well, the only real way to 'win' is to only marry someone whose faults are the kind you can live with, because you can't really change people.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 7, 2012 17:29:06 GMT -5
...:::"Well, the only real way to 'win' is to only marry someone whose faults are the kind you can live with, because you can't really change people.":::...
I think there is always some expectation that a person will evolve, though. One has a lot more life experience in one's thirties, than in one's twenties, which in most cases changes one's outlook. I don't think there is anything wrong with expecting someone to grow up a little. They may not change from partying layabouts to responsible go-getters, but by that time they have had more than enough "real world" time to see how things work, and adjust accordingly.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Nov 7, 2012 17:30:08 GMT -5
She married an unemployed "man" then proceeded to continue to support him, then had a baby with him. She IS mental. Men marry unemployed women all the time, support them, and have babies with them. Nobody bats an eye.
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justme
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Post by justme on Nov 7, 2012 18:11:50 GMT -5
She married an unemployed "man" then proceeded to continue to support him, then had a baby with him. She IS mental. Men marry unemployed women all the time, support them, and have babies with them. Nobody bats an eye. I'm batting an eye at my bro talking of marrying a girl who will graduate from college soon (21 to his almost 30) and no plans for a job but wants to homeschool her kids. Considering how much he bitched about his ex-wife spending money and not working enough I think he's delusional to say it won't bother him if she never works. (Though the eye batting also has to do with he's only been divorced for 2 mths and less than a year ago he was happily married.)
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Nov 7, 2012 18:16:31 GMT -5
To play devil's advocate, is someone who has had a breakdown, been in a mental hospital, and appears to still be having mental health issues the best custodian for a small child? (The father doesn't sound like any prize either, but is it possible he's worried for the baby's safety?) This is actually what I was thinking. From your description your wife's cousin doesn't sound like the most mentally stable person, not good for a parent. I'm sure the guy is a deadbeat, but that's a pretty bad choice to make between a deadbeat father and an emotionally unhinged mother. Maybe the kid is better off with the father until the mother can get control of her mental state.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Nov 7, 2012 19:06:20 GMT -5
Men marry unemployed women all the time, support them, and have babies with them. Nobody bats an eye. I'm batting an eye at my bro talking of marrying a girl who will graduate from college soon (21 to his almost 30) and no plans for a job but wants to homeschool her kids. Considering how much he bitched about his ex-wife spending money and not working enough I think he's delusional to say it won't bother him if she never works. (Though the eye batting also has to do with he's only been divorced for 2 mths and less than a year ago he was happily married.) Sounds like my ex. His exact words to me were he cant not be married. Its stupid and will lead to another divorce down the road. Ive never understood why you would want to remarry so quickly after divorce anyway.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 7, 2012 19:20:06 GMT -5
I don't know of any man who would marry a woman with no job. Most men I know fully expect that their wives will work and always work regardless of family plans.
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jaya3300
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Post by jaya3300 on Nov 7, 2012 20:38:44 GMT -5
Some people just keep making the same dumb mistakes. That's when you step aside and stay clear of their drama.
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