happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Oct 30, 2012 8:03:16 GMT -5
When my little sister adopted she insisted they had to have a baby that 'looked' like either her or her DH. She had this idea that if people looked at her family and saw that their kid was obviously not the bio offspring of DS and her DH that people would treat the child differently. Because of this she held out for a particular racial type of baby (not just white, but fair haired and fair skinned). She would also only adopt an infant, because her DH knew someone who was adopted as an older child and he was 'messed up' - which her DH blamed on him being adopted as an older child (not sure why).
It took them years to adopt because they were so picky, and there were many times when DS was wailing dramatically about how 'everyone' had a baby except her that I wanted to tell her to STFU and adopt a toddler - any toddler. The kid would grow up knowing it was part of their family no matter what color skin or hair it had.
I really don't agree with her believe that people treat kids differently if they don't look like the bio kids of the family. There are so many mixed race kids, and mixed raced marriages these days, I don't think anyone really cares anymore. I know a woman who had two part African American kids (she was white) that I assumed she had adopted (her DH was white) and then I met her black ex-husband.... But even when I assumed they were adopted, I didn't treat them any differently then any other kids, so I think DS is full of BS on this point.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Oct 30, 2012 9:11:44 GMT -5
That's how our family is too. DD's first cousins on DH's side of the family are white/African American. I've got a cousin who is from the Dominican Republic. They adopted two kids. One from the Dominican and one was an American adoption but their daughter is Filipino. Another cousin adopted from Guatemala. I have a cousin adopted from Russia.
It's funny because I have a picture of my desk of DD with her cousins. People who don't know us are always curious and try to ask without being offensive who the kids are in the picture with DD.
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on Oct 30, 2012 9:20:23 GMT -5
If she is that restrictive she may as well pony up for IVF or embryo adoption, PGD and surrogacy. Hopefully she has a spare $100K.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Oct 30, 2012 9:24:04 GMT -5
My friend would have go to with a surrogate. She has mentioned it. Financially they've spent a lot on trying to adopt, so they may not be able to afford to switch plans at this point. When she gave birth to her daughter, she had to have an emergency c-section. When they took the baby, her placenta did not detach the way it was supposed to and she nearly bled to death. She had to have a partial hysterectomy. She is unable to carry a child now.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 30, 2012 10:47:45 GMT -5
So slightly different perspective, as someone who is currently in the adoption process. The thing that is making the wait for the OP's friend so long is actually her insistence on doing a private infant relinquishment, not the race/gender issue.
Our criteria are: infant-6 years old open to a sibling group of 2 (that's all we legally have the space for) from foster care or infant relinquishment no fetal alcohol syndrome no major issues- ie cerebral palsy, down syndrome (it may make me a bad person, but if I have the power to choose, I'm not choosing that) open to some physical disabilities (from asthma to deaf to in a wheelchair) not open to major mental disabilities (asperger's yes, adult mental capacity of a 13 y/o no) in both those cases, the major requirement is that the kid be able to one day live and function on their own open to children born from rape/incest absolutely NO if there is any history of animal cruelty/abuse
There were a billion and one questions that we had to answer on these issues, but I think it's mostly summed up in what I said there. Race and gender don't matter to us. I think there are some races that would be easier for me to parent and some that would be harder. Unlikely as it is, I think I'd have a hard time connecting a Native American child to their cultural heritage because I simply don't have any friends or current connections within that community. However, if we were chosen by a tribe to be able to adopt a Native child, you can bet we would cultivate those connections.
We know that the process could take anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 years. The pickier you are, the longer the wait. The agency we are going through does maybe 10 infant relinquishments a year, and tends to have around 30 couples on the waiting list- so it's very conceivable that for someone just going with infant relinquishment would have to wait 3 years. We've had to create a flyer about ourselves for social workers for foster care and what I call a "pick us, pick us" booklet to give to potential birth parents. The adoption is pretty much guaranteed to be open, unless the birth parent doesn't want it to be or the state deems it unsafe.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being picky. People want what they want and there is absolutely no point in placing a child in a home where the family feels as if they "settled"- that's pretty much guaranteed to create problems down the road. However, since we can't order children to spec, people do have to understand that the pickier they are, the longer they will likely have to wait for the right match.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 30, 2012 10:51:20 GMT -5
For the record- at least with the agency we're going through and certainly with foster care, marital status/religion/sexual orientation etc do not matter. Only one person in the home has to be certified for foster care. That means the kids can never be left solely in the care of the person not certified, but it is, in fact, very common for only the wife to be a foster parent.
In our case, we will both be licensed for foster care and our roommate is going through all the hoops of background check, cpr/first aid cert, etc, that he will need to be a legal repsite caregiver (no foster license required, but we will be able to have him babysit for a date night or a quick trip to the grocery store, etc)
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Oct 30, 2012 11:04:54 GMT -5
This is addressed to no one who has posted on this thread. I can understand being particular or wanting an adopted child to have certain traits. But this screws the pooch for all the women who gave up their children for adoption because they were unable to raise the child themselves for various reasons and didn't want to terminate the pregnancy. Many, many, many of these children don't possess the qualities, traits, and backgrounds adoptive parents are looking for in a child. So once these babies are old enough, they enter group or foster homes and often never leave them until they age out. And then what??? Some of these kids can't win for losing. Rant over and I apologize if I have offended anyone or potentially hijacking this thread. That was not my intention. I'm not offended but I've heard this opinion before. Personally for me adoption was about wanting a child. I could not conceive/carry a child so we turned to adoption. I didn't adopt to save the world... I adopted purely for selfish reasons... I wanted to be a mom. Those who can conceive and give birth to their biological child get to "just be parents". I don't want to make some public statement with my life.. I wanted to "just be a parent". Some people tell us how wonderful we are for adopting and how lucky our kids are. DH and I feel that we are the lucky ones. We ended up with two pretty terrific kids. Not saying if we adopted outside of our race or gender preference we wouldn't have had the same experience. We just wanted as normal of a parenting experience as possible. IMO, wanting to be parent(s) is the only reason to adopt. The attitude that adopting is some sort of magnanimous good deed is revolting to me.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 30, 2012 12:08:41 GMT -5
My niece and her DH and two bio kids are white but the two adopted appear to be biracial the girl nearly white might be white hard to tell, the boy is definitely biracial but pale, might be her bio brother from what they look like, I don't ask. Next boy they are adopting is Native American he has been their foster child since he was an infant. His mother had visitation so knows them, her parental rights are severed now. She wants them to adopt him to the tribe is allowing it.
Most in my family consider adopted, step and any other children who join the family after birth to be the equal to those born into the family. One of my favorite nieces was the product of an affair so my brother wasn't her bio dad but his wife was her mother. She has been my niece almost 40 years no matter who was at her conception. She has offered to take care of me in my old age. She works sending caregivers to people's houses so I will be glad to have her see to my eldercare needs.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 30, 2012 12:16:07 GMT -5
Petunia/Miss M: I completely agree, as well. We're adopting because I want to be a mom. I'm in my mid-30s, so I know exactly how much I like life with no kids, but none of that changes the fact that I want to be a mom. My reasons for choosing adoption as the method of becoming a parent are personal, selfish, and all sorts of other things, but none of this would be happening if I didn't very, very much want to be a mom. (Because really, if you are ambivalent about becoming a parent, you're not likely to stick with the adoption process.)
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 30, 2012 12:24:05 GMT -5
I was in the grocery store the other day and saw a white lady with a black toddler (so cute!) and I just assumed the woman went black and didn't go back. I guess that kid could have been adopted. I guess I would have known if there was a man shopping with them - but alas, she was picking out her own melons.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 30, 2012 12:25:23 GMT -5
No one ever says to a pregnant lady: "You would be so good with developmentally disabled child, I hope your baby is born with health problems."
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 30, 2012 12:27:39 GMT -5
Miss M: We're in paperwork limbo right now. Our roommate has an arrest record in the state of NV. We knew about this (he and DH have been friends for over 20 years, they were friends when it happened). But the state of NV does not participate in FBI background checks. (They make you send money directly to them- NV is all about the rackets.) Because we were honest about roommie's history, we are currently waiting on the state of NV background check, which is taking an inordinantly long time. Once we have that, we just have to sign the policies again (and have the roommie sign them), and then we're ready to be submitted to final approval for our foster license. Our time to license is probably longer than normal, but a lot of that is because the MIL died early on in this process and we had to take time off from doing adoption related things to manage her estate. And sadly, the background check from NV couldn't be requested until after the FBI background check came back with the note that NV doesn't participate. (Though this was known in advance- why things couldn't have been done concurrently, I don't know.) So yes, still waiting for certification, but at the very, very end of it, where I'm just waiting on other people and wanting to ring some necks.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 30, 2012 12:28:51 GMT -5
I worked as a GAL, some people call them CASAS. I'd love nothing more than one chance for a parent to get their shit together and they have a year to do it, after that, their children should be given to loving homes and parents who want them.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 30, 2012 12:31:17 GMT -5
thyme: ;D I do know some people specifically look to adopt children with issues and are fabulous with them. My hat is off to those people, but I am not one of them. I have no desire to put that kind of stress on myself or my marriage.
I will say, that if we are chosen by birth parents and the child is unexpectedly born with an issue, we're not likely to walk away from the adoption. But for the most part, if I get a choice, I'm choosing healthy- physically and mentally.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 30, 2012 12:32:01 GMT -5
FWIW DH and I first considered adopting an older child. We went to several agencies and visited a few on-line forums. What was pretty consistent on the forums was be prepared to cope with behavioral issues, a majority of which were not disclosed by the agency. To be honest, I don't know if I'm equipped to deal with that so we looked into adopting an infant (race and gender did not matter). Around here there is such a shortage of infants that the agencies require what is called "open adoptions" where the birth mother gets involved in the adopted parents lives and has access to the child. Again, sorry but I'm not trained as a social worker.
I would love to have another child (we are blessed with one) but am honest in admitting I am not equipped to deal with the severe emotional issued that these kids usually have once the do make it into the system.
That's why you will often see me go off on our current process of trying to keep the kids in the bioparents homes at all costs. By the time the kid does get removed there is usually a lot of damage done. I know there are studies that are supposed to prove that is best for the kids, but I can't believe it in some cases.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 30, 2012 12:34:13 GMT -5
Miss M: I knew when we chose adoption it wasn't going to be easy or super quick, but I do hate it when there's nothing more I can do and I just have to sit around and wait for other people to do their jobs- especially knowing there will be more of that once we are officially certified, while we wait for a match. I'd originally been hoping to be done with paperwork by the end of this month, but now, with the holiday season coming up, I'm just hoping it will be done by the end of the year.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2012 12:39:34 GMT -5
For the record- at least with the agency we're going through and certainly with foster care, marital status/religion/sexual orientation etc do not matter. Only one person in the home has to be certified for foster care. That means the kids can never be left solely in the care of the person not certified, but it is, in fact, very common for only the wife to be a foster parent. In our case, we will both be licensed for foster care and our roommate is going through all the hoops of background check, cpr/first aid cert, etc, that he will need to be a legal repsite caregiver (no foster license required, but we will be able to have him babysit for a date night or a quick trip to the grocery store, etc) You explained that well. I just want to add that I am a single woman fostering and have to go out of town occasionally for work. I have a friend that jumped through the hoops to get qualified for relief. She stays at my place when I need to go out of town and gets paid. I get half the room and board for those days.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 30, 2012 12:43:48 GMT -5
Shanendoa - tip of the hat to you for your persistence!
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Oct 30, 2012 12:55:40 GMT -5
LOL. Have you ever seen the Walmart Bingo card? There's all these squares with the stereotypical Walmart shoppers on it. My SIL emailed it to me one day and said, "OMG, I'm on here!" The square was, "White woman with at least three biracial children."
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 30, 2012 13:01:41 GMT -5
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Oct 30, 2012 13:07:18 GMT -5
That's it!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 30, 2012 13:08:00 GMT -5
Now I remember why I never shop at Walmart.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 30, 2012 13:17:42 GMT -5
Shane--best of luck that things happen quickly from here on out. I hate waiting!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 30, 2012 13:41:37 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. Also hoping for quick- though maybe not too quick. With foster care, you can have as little as a few hours warning before a child is placed in your home. While I'm all for instant gratification, I'd like some amount of warning before I'm out of the office for 6-7 weeks on FMLA.
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 30, 2012 13:44:01 GMT -5
So I was in Walmart this morning and only saw 4 of those things. Oh, and true confession, I've been one of them. Anyone want to guess which 4 I saw and which 1 I've been?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 30, 2012 13:46:08 GMT -5
You saw - half eaten candy bar, woman wearing pajamas, someone over 300 pounds and a woman with a mullet.
You have been Wolf Boy.
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 30, 2012 13:47:38 GMT -5
Close, you got one right - "Woman wearing pajamas."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2012 13:47:40 GMT -5
Any race, any gender, healthy, between 6 months to a year and a half. Alas, DH is absolutely against more children. kgb - is your friend alright? She won't through something pretty traumatic. I would hope she's processed that before she has an adopted child in the house.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 30, 2012 13:48:32 GMT -5
Was that you?
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milee
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Post by milee on Oct 30, 2012 13:49:29 GMT -5
Nope. But I was in my yoga pants. Which I know you think are wrong.
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