kgb18
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 8:15:23 GMT -5
Posts: 4,904
|
Post by kgb18 on Oct 29, 2012 18:51:39 GMT -5
I didn't want to highjack the thread about childless couples, so I thought I'd start a new one.
Say you were going to adopt. How picky would you be in terms of the child?
I have a friend who has a daughter. She gave birth just a few weeks before me. She had a really horrifying birth experience. My friend nearly died, and she is now unable to have more children. She's younger than me and had planned on having several kids, so she and her DH decided to adopt.
They only want a white boy. They are completely unwilling to budge on this at all. They are doing a semi-open adoption where the birth mother would choose them to be parents. Many of these expectant women are either having girls or their children are not white.
My friend is getting frustrated that it's taking so long. She doesn't want a big age gap between her DD and the new baby. I think she has to expect it's going to take a long time to find a baby that meets those requirements.
What say you on this topic, YMers?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 18:53:57 GMT -5
I think that if that is what she wants, then she should wait for what she wants.
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 29, 2012 18:54:18 GMT -5
Very picky! Color wouldn't matter but they'd have to be short, furry, meow... Adoption entered my mind too on the other thread and I just have to say that I have the greatest respect for people who adopt whether they can have their own or not.
|
|
kgb18
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 8:15:23 GMT -5
Posts: 4,904
|
Post by kgb18 on Oct 29, 2012 19:09:11 GMT -5
I knew that as soon as she told me they were unwilling to budge on their criteria. I have several family members who adopted who weren't at all picky about gender or race, and it still took them a very long time. My friend has been in the process for about 18 months and all she keeps saying is how she can't believe it's taking so long, and she doesn't want a big age gap between her kids.
I just think she's very unreasonable about the time frame given the criteria.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,720
|
Post by raeoflyte on Oct 29, 2012 19:16:14 GMT -5
Race and gender don't matter, but I don't think dh and I could handle a baby whose mom had been on meth or any other drugs. From what I've seen the issues don't crop up until the kid is around 2 and is (or should be) developing social skills.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,313
|
Post by giramomma on Oct 29, 2012 19:20:23 GMT -5
Honestly, I think adoption is a harder road to go on than doing something like IVF or surragacy, and it can be much more expensive than IVF. (Our catholic charities will only let you do two domestic adoptions. If you have one bio kid, you get one domestic adoption. Two bio kids means international adoption only.)
Personally, race wouldn't matter to me, and neither would age. Mental/emotional issues would. I'm sure I'll get crucified for saying this, but I don't think I could handle a kid that has severe mental/emotional issues. If they were my only kid, then I could see having the resources for the drs appointments, therapy, etc.
A while back, there was a brother/sister pair that were considered "special needs" adoption simply because they were older (I think 8.) I would have strongly suggested to my H that we adopt them, but we couldn't have due to housing space constraints (4 people in a 2 bedroom, 800 sq foot house).
I've toyed with being a foster parent when our youngest leaves the house. I love having a baby in the house again. I wouldn't mind taking care of a baby for a while, in hopes of giving the baby back to the bio parents.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Oct 29, 2012 19:22:58 GMT -5
If I was going to adopt I'd be hella picky. I know that I can make awesome kids the old fashioned way, so I'm not settling for some mediocre one just to avoid the pregnancy/delivery phase.
By the way, I don't think having a gender preference and wanting a kid that's the same race as you is being all that picky. Picky would be wanting to see IQ test scores from both birth parents that are at least 140, clean drug tests from the mother every month during pregnancy, etc. Wanting a kid the same color as you isn't picky at all. If you had one naturally white folks don't spontaneously give birth to black babies. It's not like they're asking for something that nature wouldn't have given them anyway if she was still able to have kids.
|
|
kgb18
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 8:15:23 GMT -5
Posts: 4,904
|
Post by kgb18 on Oct 29, 2012 19:24:23 GMT -5
That is a totally valid concern. I don't think you should be crucified for that. My hat is off to the parents of children who have mental or physical health issues whether they are adopted or biological children. I am so grateful that we have been blessed and lucky to have two healthy children.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 19:25:43 GMT -5
For a bit of a different perspective, being an adopted child I sort of hope my adoptive parents were being picky!
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,720
|
Post by raeoflyte on Oct 29, 2012 19:31:01 GMT -5
Personally, race wouldn't matter to me, and neither would age. Mental/emotional issues would. I'm sure I'll get crucified for saying this, but I don't think I could handle a kid that has severe mental/emotional issues. If they were my only kid, then I could see having the resources for the drs appointments, therapy, etc. This is us too. We'll obviously deal with whatever life throws at us, but already having a child makes me much less willing to intentionally make life significantly more difficult. We also hope to foster/adopt in the coming years, but want our kids to be older.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Oct 29, 2012 19:32:26 GMT -5
I would prefer to adopt a child 2yo or younger with no disabilities and born to a reasonably healthy and drug-free mother. Race/gender wouldn't matter.
|
|
kgb18
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 8:15:23 GMT -5
Posts: 4,904
|
Post by kgb18 on Oct 29, 2012 19:33:29 GMT -5
Perhaps "picky" was a poor choice of words. Is "selective" better?
I readily admit that I would be hesitant to adopt a child with a severe physical or mental health issue. I don't know if I could do it. But I wouldn't care about gender, color, ethnicity, etc. Of course, we already have a very blended extended family, so maybe I have a different perspective on that.
|
|
cubefarmer
Established Member
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 14:08:21 GMT -5
Posts: 443
|
Post by cubefarmer on Oct 29, 2012 19:40:20 GMT -5
Since I am a believer that nature is stronger than nurture, I would not adopt. It's such a crap shoot as it is.
I see nothing wrong with holding out for a white boy if that is what they want.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 19:40:31 GMT -5
The thought of being blessed with two healthy children has been running through my mind for the last few days.. I have two relatives who've both had their last two children born with severe health challenges.. I am noticing an increase of more birth defects now than ever before.. Birthing healthy babies are a sure blessing!
|
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,828
|
Post by taz157 on Oct 29, 2012 19:41:52 GMT -5
By the way, I don't think having a gender preference and wanting a kid that's the same race as you is being all that picky. Picky would be wanting to see IQ test scores from both birth parents that are at least 140, clean drug tests from the mother every month during pregnancy, etc. Wanting a kid the same color as you isn't picky at all. If you had one naturally white folks don't spontaneously give birth to black babies. It's not like they're asking for something that nature wouldn't have given them anyway if she was still able to have kids.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 19:43:28 GMT -5
For a bit of a different perspective, being an adopted child I sort of hope my adoptive parents were being picky! Apple.. I hope so too and bet they were!
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Oct 29, 2012 20:37:13 GMT -5
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,402
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 29, 2012 20:44:29 GMT -5
It is a question I never faced (and never will.) I would like to think that race wouldn't matter, although maybe I would feel differently if I thought about it. Especially an asian race - not that I have anything against asians, I just know so little about their culture and history, I don't know if I would "rob" my child of their heritage. Gender wouldn't matter to me. You don't get to choose gender when your kids come via more traditional methods - so suck it up and take what you get via adoption.
I agree with the special needs/medical issues. Again, you don't really get to choose that when you birth those babies yourself, but at least you make some choices that may or may not contribute, and you can test for certain heriditary diseases. It was one of my biggest fears when I was pregnant. I'm just not sure I would sign up for anyone born with obvious issues. I know a set of meth babies - they are now in 6th grade, and they are (and have been) very, very high maintenance for years and years. Granted, part of that might be that they got adopted into what was a messed up life - but they aren't normal kids in a bad situation, they are kids with their own struggles in a bad situation.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,402
|
Post by thyme4change on Oct 29, 2012 20:46:40 GMT -5
My friend is norweigen-white (super blonde) and her husband is half Mexican. They opened up to adopt hispanic babies, and the process went pretty quickly. Their kids are ADORABLE!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 20:53:12 GMT -5
I'm flexible on age and race, I actually prefer older. But gender and health I am particular about. I don't have the resources or supports to in place to handle working full time and health issues. And as a single woman it makes the most sense to me to have girls.
|
|
Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 63,456
|
Post by Tennesseer on Oct 29, 2012 21:02:45 GMT -5
This is addressed to no one who has posted on this thread.
I can understand being particular or wanting an adopted child to have certain traits. But this screws the pooch for all the women who gave up their children for adoption because they were unable to raise the child themselves for various reasons and didn't want to terminate the pregnancy.
Many, many, many of these children don't possess the qualities, traits, and backgrounds adoptive parents are looking for in a child. So once these babies are old enough, they enter group or foster homes and often never leave them until they age out. And then what???
Some of these kids can't win for losing.
Rant over and I apologize if I have offended anyone or potentially hijacking this thread. That was not my intention.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2012 21:25:35 GMT -5
Tenesseer babies get snapped up very quickly, including crack babies etc. The older children that end up in group homes and foster care are not put up for adoption by choice (usually, there is always someone's cousin's hair dresser that knew a woman that gave up her 13 year old kid)
|
|
mtman
Familiar Member
Banned 01.20.14
Joined: Oct 29, 2011 9:53:04 GMT -5
Posts: 506
|
Post by mtman on Oct 29, 2012 21:51:30 GMT -5
Gender wouldn't be an issue.....But race and health would......Healthy and white only.
|
|
Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 63,456
|
Post by Tennesseer on Oct 29, 2012 21:55:50 GMT -5
Miss M-you reasons for adoption are valid. Perfectly understandable.
But not all U.S. born babies are snatched up due to various reasons beyond the control of the babies. And some parents give up their parental rights and turn the children over to the state. It's these kids that often times languish in group homes and move from foster family to foster family through no fault of their own.
Many folks simply want newborns and that's okay. But there are older kids too who do need permanent, loving homes just as much as newborns do.
'Ranting' again. Sorry.
|
|
Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 63,456
|
Post by Tennesseer on Oct 29, 2012 21:56:48 GMT -5
Gender wouldn't be an issue.....But race and health would......Healthy and white only. Of course mtman. Of course.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,313
|
Post by giramomma on Oct 29, 2012 22:12:56 GMT -5
This is us too. We'll obviously deal with whatever life throws at us, but already having a child makes me much less willing to intentionally make life significantly more difficult. We also hope to foster/adopt in the coming years, but want our kids to be older. In most of the older kids that I see on our state's adoption site, they recommend a 9 year (or so) age difference between the youngest bio child and the adopted child.
|
|
Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 63,456
|
Post by Tennesseer on Oct 29, 2012 23:15:48 GMT -5
I know you are not picking on me. And most saints were sinners who had good editors.
|
|
cronewitch
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:44:20 GMT -5
Posts: 5,974
|
Post by cronewitch on Oct 29, 2012 23:17:43 GMT -5
The first time I tried to adopt I was willing to take any non black baby because it was the 60's and my grandfather would have never accepted a black baby. I was young so they said I couldn't have an older child since I was too young to be the bio mom of an older child. It would be a 5 year wait to get a baby if we jumped through all the hoops. They required us to live in the same place and work the same jobs for the duration of the adoption. He hated his job and we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment so weren't willing to do it.
The next try I required a child who could one day leave home and who could go to a babysitter. I was older and had seen my friend with a son who couldn't be out of her care and even if he lived wouldn't be able to ever leave home and knew I couldn't do that. I am overweight and they sent two case workers to interview us, they asked us separately how he felt about my weight. I said he didn't mind meaning we didn't fight about it and he wasn't divorcing me for it, he said he rather I was thin. They said we had unresolved conflict so couldn't adopt. I would have loved to have a child about 5 that was deaf or in a wheel chair or epileptic or something but not so handicapped he would be unable to leave home ever.
Third try I was about 34 and really wanted an older child and even picked the perfect child. Renee was 16 and her parents had died, she was smart and a good kid so they wanted parents that would send her to college. But they wanted us to write biographies and do home studies and we hadn't started yet so she would have been 18 before we could get her. That would have been perfect for me we could buy her a car so she didn't need transportation and we both worked so no daycare. Soon off to college then maybe married and give us grandkids.
Now I am 64 and still childless and my ISO doesn't want kids so if I even did foster care he wouldn't want to live with me. I am sure they wouldn't place foster kids unless everyone in the household wanted them.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2012 0:38:17 GMT -5
I have wanted to adopt since I was 16. I had a lot of friends in foster care that never got adopted because they were older. That stuck with me. I actually had planned on ONLY adopting children and never felt the need to give birth. I had planned on adopting 6. Well I have heard a saying that goes like this "We plan and God laughs." I ended up giving birth to 2 boys. Love them to death and I don't regret it. After I had my 2nd boy I really wanted a girl too. I didn't want to try to have a girl. I wanted to adopt a girl. We tried to adopt domestically. We didn't care about the race or and age was only a little concern. We were willing to adopt up to age 4 or 5. We could not find a domestic adoption agency that would work with us in that state because we were military and couldn't guarantee that we would live in the state for at least a year after the child was placed with us. We were told that we had to stay for a year in case the bio family was able to get the child back. I didn't want to deal with that at all so we turned to international adoption. We chose India. There are a lot of girls up for adoption there. Of course, some greater power wanted to make sure I REALLY wanted a girl because it took us 3 years to adopt our daughter. We hit every snag in the book. But she is home now and has been for 7 years. As for being picky...when we decided to adopt we knew we couldn't handle any severe special needs. We wanted a child as "normal" as possible. It may make us bad, but we wanted a healthy normal little girl. We got her and boy is she a handful She is very smart, pretty, and full of life.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 28, 2024 4:42:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2012 6:22:56 GMT -5
If it comes to that as we cannot have kids of our own we will probably go the adoption route if we can afford it. As for picky, my wife always wanted boys so that will be it. 1-2 Healthy boys... Don't care much about race since both my wife and my family is a melting pot: - black/black, black/Hispanic, black/Jewish, black-Jewish/Hispanic, black/Asian, black/Caucasian, black-Caucasian / Hispanic-Caucasian etc. So a kid from a different race would fit right in
|
|