NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 13, 2012 8:50:00 GMT -5
How did you guys work that one out?
I actually was fine with her being baptised if it meant a lot ot DH.
What irritated me was he proceeded to shut me out of the process and was discussing the future of my daughter's religious education with his mother.
His mother has recently "found Jesus" and has been pushing us to do the same. For the most part I've always considered DH agnostic but all of a sudden when the baptism came up he swung the other direction.
Then decided my opinion on religion didn't count because I was an atheist and wouldn't be interested in my kid's religious instruction.
Umm . . yeah I am because I am her MOTHER. I feel very strongly that subjects like religion are to be discussed between the parents. My views are important because I am her parent.
That is what pissed me off. I really don't give a shit what he thinks about me being an atheist. I do give a shit that somehow he considers that a reason to override me as her mother.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 13, 2012 9:02:47 GMT -5
But is that what he really meant? I gave way on a lot of stuff for this house because I honestly don't give a shit about this house. He may have felt since you aren't religious, you really wouldn't care so he discussed it with someone who is religious.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 9:05:16 GMT -5
My Mom and MIL both admitted that they "baptized" my kids when they were infants. It doesn't bother me....it made them feel better and they washed their faces! Win/win! ;D
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 13, 2012 9:08:17 GMT -5
;D
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 13, 2012 9:11:25 GMT -5
He may have felt since you aren't religious, you really wouldn't care so he discussed it with someone who is religious
That's what he meant but that is not how "You're an atheist so your opinion doesn't matter" sounds. That's what kick started the whole thing when I brought up that I was not comfortable with him planning our daughter's religious education with his mother.
We came to an agreement when I told him my beef wasn't with the baptism. It was that I want any and all this stuff run by me first and we discuss it TOGETHER. Not that he talks to his mom and then comes and informs me.
Plus I also had an issue with for the past eight years he's been agnostic/atheist and all of a sudden he "found Jesus" five minutes before we had our kid baptised.
If I had thought he truly found the Lord I wouldn't have been so prickly but I know him well enough to know when he is parroting his mom vs when it's his own viewpoint.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 13, 2012 9:20:11 GMT -5
4. Where we live. I have lived here forever. He hates it here.Careful with this one. It never seems like "that big" a deal to the person who doesn't hate the place where they live. I've known more than one couple whose marriage has been threatened by the fact that one person refuses to move and ALSO refuses to acknowledge the fact that they can't agree on where to live. They just don't see it as a problem, somehow, that their spouse hates where they live. I know one couple that split because of where they lived. It was more complicated than New Jersey VS Florida but it was a deal breaker. They met in Phila but she was from India. He said when they met he wasn't ever going to live outside the US. She thoguht he just meant not now or she could change his mind. She decided that living in Phila area was intolerable after a few years and told him they were moving. She had lots of reasons that are valid , like her family was 5000 miles away. The bottom line is that they would have never gotten together if she had said she wanted to move back to India, because he was NEVER going to live there. |
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Sept 13, 2012 9:27:02 GMT -5
DH grew up where we live... I like it here except for the summers... he is ready to move yesterday... we agree that we will relocate when the time is right... we just haven't agreed on where yet... or exactly when the right time is. Technically he can retire in 7-8 years to get his pension... ideally I would like the boys to graduate high school... which will be 8 yrs for the oldest and 10 yrs for the youngest. This is a tough one. I think this will become an issue for us in the coming years. I really don't want to live where we live anymore, but my sweetie has kids from his previous marriage and it would be impossible to share custody if we moved away. But I am so very ready to leave here. I'm not sure I can stick it out the 7 years until the youngest graduates high school. |
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 13, 2012 9:28:49 GMT -5
Drama, that makes sense. But kids change things. I have a Jewish girlfriend married to a catholic. Neither were very religious until that child was born and then the claws came out. I won't leave DF just because we live here but he knows I hate it and he is willing to compromise until he retires. I go down monthly for at least a week starting in October and come real winter up here, I'll be down a whole lot more until we find a place there. Then I'll be there for Jan, FEb, and March at least.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Sept 13, 2012 9:30:36 GMT -5
My Mom and MIL both admitted that they "baptized" my kids when they were infants. It doesn't bother me....it made them feel better and they washed their faces! Win/win! ;D LOL. And that's why I love you - the voice of reason and practicality! And slacking.  I'm an atheist but wouldn't give a rat's patootie about someone baptizing my (nonexistant) infant. I'd hope there were gifts and cake involved! Now, if my parents started telling an older child they were going to hell because Mommy is an atheist heathen, things would get different in a hurry. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 9:33:36 GMT -5
Exactly!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 13, 2012 9:38:28 GMT -5
Neither were very religious until that child was born and then the claws came outyeah. We were fine pre-kid and actually we were fine when she was born until my MIL started trying to push going to church harder on us. I had a couple family members who wanted me to baptise Gwen but they weren't pushy about it. Like I said it would have been different if I had really felt DH had suddenly had a spirtual awakening but everything he was saying was exactly the same line his mother had given me. So that made me skeptical. He's gone right back to being agnostic since Gwen was baptised. So much for the great spirutal rebirth.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 9:43:03 GMT -5
HA! If DH cared at all I am sure he would have said something...he has no problem letting me know his opinion on everything!
Religion just isn't that important to either of us. MIL used to try to guilt me about them not being baptized (silly gal!) and I told her to go talk to her son. Haven't heard a peep since.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 9:49:40 GMT -5
Goose and I will be having disagreements about where we live in the next 4 years. He wants to retire in Texas or North Carolina. The thought of leaving Italy makes me want to cry. I seriously want him to retire and we stay here. I can't imagine going from gorgeous Italy to plain boring Texas. Yes I have lived there twice and it is seriously boring landscape IMHO. We already have mini arguments about it.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Sept 13, 2012 10:07:49 GMT -5
Goose and I will be having disagreements about where we live in the next 4 years. He wants to retire in Texas or North Carolina. The thought of leaving Italy makes me want to cry. I seriously want him to retire and we stay here. I can't imagine going from gorgeous Italy to plain boring Texas. Yes I have lived there twice and it is seriously boring landscape IMHO. We already have mini arguments about it. We can retire together in Italy, Angel. |
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 13, 2012 10:33:16 GMT -5
We fight about: 1) Housework 2) Feminism and gender roles 3) His inability to be home when he says he will when he's out with his friends and crashing through the house waking everyone up We used to fight about: 1) Religion 2) Politics But then I fixed him.  |
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needanewjob
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Post by needanewjob on Sept 13, 2012 10:34:55 GMT -5
Goose and I will be having disagreements about where we live in the next 4 years. He wants to retire in Texas or North Carolina. The thought of leaving Italy makes me want to cry. I seriously want him to retire and we stay here. I can't imagine going from gorgeous Italy to plain boring Texas. Yes I have lived there twice and it is seriously boring landscape IMHO. We already have mini arguments about it. Start looking for GS jobs in that area that he may be able to do. And if he retires near a base, there is always Space-A trael options. |
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 13, 2012 11:44:48 GMT -5
...:::"No.. you and your wife are both manipulating each other into getting your way. I've never seen a dynamic like this. And you said earlier that her being an ass at times and you being an ass at times "works" for you guys.. Ummmm... not so much.":::...
Then an ass, I am.
ETA: When one party refuses to participate in a discussion (which is a TOTALLY different scenario than the discussion not going one persons way) then there aren't many good options left. At least by taking some action, I'm owning the problem and changing what I CAN.
I'm thankful to the people who have posted that UNDERSTAND this concept. Problem solving is easy when people talk. Its not easy when people won't talk, or won't even admit there is a problem to solve.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 13, 2012 11:50:41 GMT -5
...:::"Going into a marriage with the intent of changing someone rarely ends well.":::...
Agreed. Fortunately I'm not changing anyone but myself, as per the advice I constantly get in these threads, so its all groovy.
...:::"She decided that living in Phila area was intolerable after a few years...":::...
Its entirely her fault because on YM, the moment you say yes to the first date, you are supposed to make peace with the fact that the present is the best the relationship could ever possibly be, and that any problem (whether its already there or not) could magnify in intensity by 1,000x, but you are stuck because you agreed to it.
Or to be serious, as I've said over and over -- a problem that can be tolerable at first can become more and more difficult to live with in the long run. At that point, if discussion is not working, then one can only change one's own behavior.
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 13, 2012 11:54:41 GMT -5
...:::"...we agree that we will relocate when the time is right... we just haven't agreed on where yet... or exactly when the right time is.":::...
Although I'm probably missing more detail, to me it would sound like you are covering your bases. I would certainly want some more specific criteria around "the right time".
Otherwise I'd feel you were just making a promise to get me off your back, but that you had no intention to keep because there is always a loophole for why "now" can be considered "not the right time".
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 13, 2012 12:10:51 GMT -5
...:::"Going into a marriage with the intent of changing someone rarely ends well.":::... Agreed. Fortunately I'm not changing anyone but myself, as per the advice I constantly get in these threads, so its all groovy. ...:::"She decided that living in Phila area was intolerable after a few years...":::... Its entirely her fault because on YM, the moment you say yes to the first date, you are supposed to make peace with the fact that the current state is the best the relationship could ever possibly be, and that any problem (whether its already there or not) could magnify in intensity by 1,000x.Or to be serious, as I've said over and over -- a problem that can be tolerable at first can become more and more difficult to live with in the long run. By the logic of some of the people on this thread though, I'm forbidden from doing anything about it and just supposed to lie down like a doormat. In their case she wanted him to give up his country and everything he had ever known. That is real different from "I don't like the snow anymore how about we move someplace warmer when we retire?". I agree that it is hard for people to know how they will feel in 5 or 10 years. But in their case he wouldn't have more than casually dated her without her knowing he wasn't moving to India. It is a radically different culture. The economy is crazy different. He wouldn't see anyone he had ever known before and do you realize how hot it is there? It makes Phoenix look cool and comfortable.  He did understand that she had left her home and didn't see her parents etc very often. Since they met in Philadelphia though it wasn't like they met over there and he dragged her here with him. ;D |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 12:12:04 GMT -5
By the logic of some of the people on this thread though, I'm forbidden from doing anything about it and just supposed to lie down like a doormat.
Oh, I think you should do something. I think you should work on yourself so you have enough self respect to leave a miserable relationship.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 13, 2012 12:12:42 GMT -5
"I don't know if I could be married to someone if we had different political views"
my husband and I agree with almost every political view except abortion..I have to admit, that one is VERY difficult for me to accept. we honestly can't talk about it with him becuase it kills me that the father of my chldren believes what he does...it used to lead to fights and tears...now I just avoid the topic!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 12:13:19 GMT -5
...:::"Going into a marriage with the intent of changing someone rarely ends well.":::... Agreed. Fortunately I'm not changing anyone but myself, as per the advice I constantly get in these threads, so its all groovy. ...:::"She decided that living in Phila area was intolerable after a few years...":::... Its entirely her fault because on YM, the moment you say yes to the first date, you are supposed to make peace with the fact that the current state is the best the relationship could ever possibly be, and that any problem (whether its already there or not) could magnify in intensity by 1,000x.Or to be serious, as I've said over and over -- a problem that can be tolerable at first can become more and more difficult to live with in the long run. By the logic of some of the people on this thread though, I'm forbidden from doing anything about it and just supposed to lie down like a doormat. In their case she wanted him to give up his country and everything he had ever known. That is real different from "I don't like the snow anymore how about we move someplace warmer when we retire?". I agree that it is hard for people to know how they will feel in 5 or 10 years. But in their case he wouldn't have more than casually dated her without her knowing he wasn't moving to India. It is a radically different culture. The economy is crazy different. He wouldn't see anyone he had ever known before and do you realize how hot it is there? It makes Phoenix look cool and comfortable. He did understand that she had left her home and didn't see her parents etc very often. Since they met in Philadelphia though it wasn't like they met over there and he dragged her here with him. ;D They were both wrong thinking that the other would change their mind. I have friends who are getting divorced because he wants kids and she doesn't. Oh, they talked about it before they tied the knot and each knew how the other felt, but they both believed that the other would change their mind. It never happened -- when someone tells you something about themselves you really should believe them! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 12:14:41 GMT -5
By the logic of some of the people on this thread though, I'm forbidden from doing anything about it and just supposed to lie down like a doormat. Oh, I think you should do something. I think you should work on yourself so you have enough self respect to leave a miserable relationship.  ixnay on the elf esteemsay. I was accused of starting shit when I brought it up before... |
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 13, 2012 12:18:43 GMT -5
<<tries to find Pig Latin translator...where oh where is Doc when I need him>>
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 12:21:10 GMT -5
ixnay on the elf esteemsay. I was accused of starting shit when I brought it up before... Well, I'm not sugar coating it because that leads to zero progress. It's very sad to see. Anyway, thanks for the heads up.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 13, 2012 13:16:20 GMT -5
...:::"...we agree that we will relocate when the time is right... we just haven't agreed on where yet... or exactly when the right time is.":::... Although I'm probably missing more detail, to me it would sound like you are covering your bases. I would certainly want some more specific criteria around "the right time". Otherwise I'd feel you were just making a promise to get me off your back, but that you had no intention to keep because there is always a loophole for why "now" can be considered "not the right time". I already said my ideal time frame is once the boys graduate from high school which will be 10 yrs. He would like to move as soon as he is able to retire which is 7 ish years... we have discussed it. It's still at least 7 yrs out so we have plenty of time to find a compromise. For me, it's important to not pull my boys out of school when there is only 2-3 yrs left. Once in high school they will have been with a lot of their friends since pre-school. That's important to me and it may be the hill I'm willing to die on. I have no intentions of staying in our current location forever. I want to move. DH wants Colorado... I lean towards warmer environments but if he gives me the 10 yrs (which is only an additional 3 yrs), then I'd most likely be willing to give him Colorado. ETA: We've been specific with each other on our individual ideas of when, where, etc. ANd we both agree that we will move. I would never make empty promises or lead him to believe we would move if I had no intention of moving. That's not how adults communicate. We are both in agreement with the move and have discussed our specific thoughts on when and where. Ultimately in the end, I believe not pulling my boys out of school with only a couple of years left may be more important to me than exactly where we live. And getting to live exactly where DH wants to live may end up being more important to him than whether or not the boys finish high school here or somewhere else... so he may decide he can wait the 3 yrs and we ultimately each get our wish. Colorado is awesome! There isn't that much snow in the Denver metro area, and even when there is it all melts. |
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 13, 2012 13:18:59 GMT -5
...:::"... so he may decide he can wait the 3 yrs and we ultimately each get our wish.":::...
What would you (MM) have done if your DH wanted out (to move), now, and was not willing to discuss any outcome that did not involve moving immediately?
All I'm trying to say is that talking it out is much harder when things don't wrap up neatly, or when someone is not interested in talking.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 13, 2012 13:21:16 GMT -5
...:::"... so he may decide he can wait the 3 yrs and we ultimately each get our wish.":::... What would you have done if your DH wanted out, now, and was not willing to discuss any outcome that did not involve moving immediately? All I'm trying to say is that talking it out is much harder when things don't wrap up neatly, or when someone is not interested in talking. I dunno, I'd probably tell him not to let hte door hit him on the way out. My DH isn't really big on issuing ultimatums, or ignoring my wishes and needs. That's why I married him, not someone who tries to steamroll me. |
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 13, 2012 13:29:38 GMT -5
"What would you have done if your DH wanted out, now, and was not willing to discuss any outcome that did not involve moving immediately?"
I'd ask him which weekends he wanted to have custody of the kids because I sure as shit wouldn't stay married to a controlling douche like that.
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I'm an atheist but wouldn't give a rat's patootie about someone baptizing my (nonexistant) infant. I'd hope there were gifts and cake involved! Now, if my parents started telling an older child they were going to hell because Mommy is an atheist heathen, things would get different in a hurry. 
