Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 12, 2012 10:55:34 GMT -5
We've had a lot of discussions about not being on the same financial page as your partner. But what about other issues? snip On what issues/topics do you and your spouse not see eye-to-eye? What effect has it had on your relationship? - politics - Creation vs. Evolution We agree to disagree. We sometimes discuss but the rules are pretty basic - respect the other person's right to their beliefs and if they're not in the mood to discuss, the topic is dead. you can bring it up again a different day though. - talk radio. I think it sucks, he loves it. He doesn't get to listen to it when I'm in the car. Not up for discussion. - I tend to mentally roll my eyes at some of his diet/health stances but as long as he's not forcing me and the kids to follow them, I try to not comment or have an attitude on it. Off to read the other comments.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 12, 2012 11:08:06 GMT -5
He has graciously agreed to squoosh bugs upon request, primarily because MY bug-killing coping strategy is to keep spraying household cleaning products on it until it stops moving.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 12:55:23 GMT -5
...:::"I am currently training our new puppy and that is the first thing that came to mind when I read this as well.":::...
OK lets walk with this. Suppose you fail to draw appropriate boundaries with the puppy. Over time, the behaviors the puppy shouldn't do get more and more difficult to deal with. You reach a point where you realize that the puppy can do whatever it wants and you feel walked on.
Now, do you sit there and whine about how trying to fix things is controlling, or do you DO SOMETHING about it damn the labels?
I get that the example talks about a master/pet situation, and that some will play the "that's different" angle. The angle I'm coming from is that there are things I am simply no longer willing to tolerate because I don't feel I'm being treated fairly or reasonably. If I felt like there was balance, I'd be more willing to let it go, but I DON'T.
I'm not happy with the full picture of the current state. Its certainly fixable, but its not what I want for the rest of my life.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 13:12:38 GMT -5
...:::"I think actually talking to each other and telling each other what you want/need/expect in the relationship is the BEST and most mature way to approach it.":::...
I do too. If it worked, I'd keep doing it.
...:::"...but if I spent as much energy playing passive aggressive games as it sounds like you do to try and get my DH to do what I need him to do.. I'd go fracking insane!":::...
Why is it passive-aggressive to change how I respond? Why is it passive aggressive that, if I no longer want to be asked to do every stupid little task that enters her mind, I say "no"?
And pray tell, how would YOU fix the problem, if saying "I really wish you'd take care of some of this stuff yourself rather than it on me" DIDN'T WORK?
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Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Sept 12, 2012 14:03:23 GMT -5
...:::"I think actually talking to each other and telling each other what you want/need/expect in the relationship is the BEST and most mature way to approach it.":::... I do too. If it worked, I'd keep doing it. ...:::"...but if I spent as much energy playing passive aggressive games as it sounds like you do to try and get my DH to do what I need him to do.. I'd go fracking insane!":::... Why is it passive-aggressive to change how I respond? Why is it passive aggressive that, if I no longer want to be asked to do every stupid little task that enters her mind, I say "no"? And pray tell, how would YOU fix the problem, if saying "I really wish you'd take care of some of this stuff yourself rather than it on me" DIDN'T WORK? I agree WWBG. women need to be trained immediately in a marriage, otherwise she probably won't be the wife she needs to be. eventually you and her will be on better communication levels, she just needs time to get there.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 14:06:37 GMT -5
Remember, I'm not "making her" do anything. I'm only controlling my own reaction.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 12, 2012 14:14:47 GMT -5
WWBG--today (and today alone) I can agree with some of the meaning that I am taking from your posts. But your tone can be so dreadful... I can't get into a long post right now, but every time you post about your dw it is described (at best) as a parent/child relationship with no hope of getting out of it since from your own posts your wife isn't willing to grow up and be an equal partner if it means she 'loses'.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 14:20:16 GMT -5
...:::"...since from your own posts your wife isn't willing to grow up and be an equal partner if it means she 'loses'...":::..
Thank you rae; you understand the conundrum. I'd TOTALLY love to be able to have a mature conversation about these things, but she isn't there yet. She's improved in many ways, but we have a long way to go.
I'm trying to improve a dynamic that I feel can be much better. But its not going to be easy, or happen overnight, and there WILL be friction. But the alternative is to just let it stay the same or get worse.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 14:36:09 GMT -5
We disagree on the appropriate size of a television....oh and on how helpful I am to him with my comments while he is driving.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 12, 2012 14:43:02 GMT -5
We disagree on the appropriate size of a television.... oh and on how helpful I am to him with my comments while he is driving. LMAO!!! I forgot about that one! I think I get what WeWill is saying. You try to get her on board or explain what you are meaning and she still disregards your feelings so you try to make it painful for her so she'll want to change. Which she will if she is not getting something positive from her behavior i.e. Her way. My DH can be like that sometimes no matter how direct I am. And I'm VERY direct and blunt. If it doesn't matter to him then he doesn't think it matters to me. So I make it painful for him to get his attention that it really does matter. I smack him in the nose with a rolled up magazine or put him in a headlock. I highly recommend both ways!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 15:16:12 GMT -5
...:::"I think I get what WeWill is saying. You try to get her on board or explain what you are meaning and she still disregards your feelings so you try to make it painful for her so she'll want to change.":::...
Yes on the first part -- I'd RATHER be able to fix these things with discussion. For the second part, when I feel she has withdrawn, I feel I need to withdraw too (since trying even harder just makes me feel like a sucker because now I'm giving even MORE when the problem is that there is an imbalance in the first place). So yes, by ALSO withdrawing, my hope is to show that I am SERIOUS about what I was trying to discuss, and that hopefully we can return to the table.
Otherwise, yeah: giving without getting sucks, and if she just plain won't give, then why should I? I hate that I have to feel this way, but it is VASTLY superior to feeling like a naive doormat who gets kicked and yells "thank you ma'm may I have another".
...:::"oh and on how helpful I am to him with my comments while he is driving":::...
Amazingly, this is one my DW has done a complete 180 on. She used to be the worst back seat driver, and she's mellowed out a LOT! I'm going to tell her how much I appreciate this later.
...:::"My DH can be like that sometimes no matter how direct I am.":::..
I think we've talked about this topic; or its related topic: telepathy. I have made it a point to make sure I ask DW if there are any "details I am missing" when I feel there are ambiguities. Sometimes I'll even repeat my understanding back to her, and say something like "that is the direction I intend to act on" or something so we are both crystal clear on what is expected and what the result should be. We BOTH benefit from this one.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:21:21 GMT -5
Wewill, your relationship sounds exhausting! If my husband would apply my helpful driving tips the first time I tell him, then I wouldn't have to remind him so often. Easy peasy.
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Epiphany
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Post by Epiphany on Sept 12, 2012 15:34:12 GMT -5
most of our disagreements are minor: 1 - yardwork 2 - housework 3 - cussing 4 - length of time we spend at event current disagreement from last night is amusing: length of time to see European main city. We are planning Mediterranean cruise and I said I wouldn't bother seeing Rome in 8 hours, I'd need a week. He thinks 2 days max to see Rome.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 12, 2012 15:43:47 GMT -5
It can be exhausting, but I believe I'm working on setting it in a better direction. I don't have the energy to leave it where it is for the next 60+ years.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 15:46:57 GMT -5
Remember, I'm not "making her" do anything. I'm only controlling my own reaction. No.. you and your wife are both manipulating each other into getting your way. I've never seen a dynamic like this. And you said earlier that her being an ass at times and you being an ass at times "works" for you guys.. Ummmm... not so much. No matter which one thinks they "won" or "has the most points", neither one is going to be happy in the long run.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 12, 2012 15:54:28 GMT -5
"It can be exhausting, but I believe I'm working on setting it in a better direction. I don't have the energy to leave it where it is for the next 60+ years. "
Dude, you just got married...this is supposed to be the honeymoon period in your marriage...if your marriage is this bad now, you are screwed!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Sept 12, 2012 16:01:47 GMT -5
We disagree on the topic of his parents. Other than that - it would be nearly perfect marriage Lena
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 16:08:31 GMT -5
I have said before that my DH and I very much had a parent-child relationship. He was babied by his mother and believed that it wasn't the man's job to have to do anything in the house or have any responsibility for just about anything. His parents used to lecture me about how I should feed him. (I finally told DH I would not be in the same room as them unless he said something to his family and that dynamic changed.)
The majority of my unhappiness over the last 5 years or so of marriage came from the fact that at some point I realized that other people don't have the same type of relationship with their spouse. They cooperate and care about each other enough to put the other person's needs/wants ahead of their own on occasion.
My husband knew he was dying. He still refused to make any sacrifice in our lives to accommodate any savings for me and the kids. He would flat out tell you that his SSDI was "his" and he chose not to save it because he wouldn't be around...
Maya Angelou has a saying that "when people show you who they are believe them." I do this now. If you are a jerk to me today, you are very likely going to be one tomorrow. So, I choose to act accordingly.
I cringe when I read Carl's threads for this same reason. His wife isn't going to change for him, for love, for kids, or for anything/one else. She was raised materialistic and to only care about herself and getting what she wants. She shows him all the time who she is. He just doesn't listen.
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quince
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Post by quince on Sept 12, 2012 16:33:24 GMT -5
Politics, and religion, although in a weird way. Abortion. How much to accommodate family.
These are the only ways that there's ever any friction in...the right way to fold t-shirts, whether or not lunch during a workday counts as eating out, how often the dishes should be done (I think as long as they're not moldy or fermenting, they're fine...right?)...we don't always see eye to eye, but it doesn't matter.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 17:28:55 GMT -5
My husband and I often 'joke' ... he says his mission on life is to annoy the hell out of me, I say you'd think he'd be more satisfied upon accomplishing his goal... We agree on most fundamental things actually, but are both debaters to the point that sometimes we will be 'arguing' the same side to each other. We are pretty much in agreement on politics, child rearing, money, etc. Or at least have gotten to a point where we don't bring it up/it isn't worth arguing about if we don't really agree. But we do disagree about small things. I throw all the silverware in the draw... It honestly hurts me to see it all lined up in rows... every once in a while he'll sort it out... and then i just don't do dishes until they are all dirty and throw them back in again willy nilly He thinks handwriting is more important than i do, as far as the kids are concerned. I am more politically correct than he is, and sometimes do not like the jokes he tells/ comic he might listen to. We disagree on stuff like that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 12, 2012 19:34:34 GMT -5
Religion. It hasn't really had much affect on our relationship until it came time to baptize Gwen and he told me my opinion on the matter did not count since I was an atheist. We had a pretty big fight over that one. How did you guys work that one out? I'd consider myself more agnostic than atheist, but anyone who wants to baptize my kiddo against my will better be prepared for a recovery time. It is difficult to adequately communicate in words my DO NOT WANT regarding child baptism.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 12, 2012 19:44:19 GMT -5
Random--but I'm pretty sure my in-laws 'baptised' ds in their pond when they realized that dh and I really weren't going to do it. Gotta make sure the kids covered even though his parents are heathens ya know...
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 12, 2012 19:47:29 GMT -5
4. Where we live. I have lived here forever. He hates it here.
Careful with this one. It never seems like "that big" a deal to the person who doesn't hate the place where they live. I've known more than one couple whose marriage has been threatened by the fact that one person refuses to move and ALSO refuses to acknowledge the fact that they can't agree on where to live. They just don't see it as a problem, somehow, that their spouse hates where they live.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 12, 2012 19:56:59 GMT -5
Random--but I'm pretty sure my in-laws 'baptised' ds in their pond when they realized that dh and I really weren't going to do it. Gotta make sure the kids covered even though his parents are heathens ya know... I've heard of grandparents pulling this stunt and man, all I can say is that I'm incredibly grateful to my parents for being the respectful Catholics that they are. I'm not going to say that doing that behind my back would destroy our relationship if I found out but... it wouldn't be good. It would be real, real bad
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 20:21:10 GMT -5
Random--but I'm pretty sure my in-laws 'baptised' ds in their pond when they realized that dh and I really weren't going to do it. Gotta make sure the kids covered even though his parents are heathens ya know... I've heard of grandparents pulling this stunt and man, all I can say is that I'm incredibly grateful to my parents for being the respectful Catholics that they are. I'm not going to say that doing that behind my back would destroy our relationship if I found out but... it wouldn't be good. It would be real, real bad Maybe this is another thing like a wedding, but i have a hard time separating 'baptism in the back yard pond' with other forms of 'imaginary play' ... It wouldn't bother me, I don't think... If it gave them piece of mind... So long as there was no constant attempt to indoctrinate or undermine...
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 12, 2012 20:35:18 GMT -5
On one hand, we don't really care since he of course won't remember it and if they really think that something bad could happen to a child because they aren't baptized and that makes them feel better--whatever.
The troublesome part, and what we didn't realize the extent of it at the time, was the absolute lack of respect for us in regard to any parenting decision. They are going to do exactly what they want regardless of our wishes/requests and our only option is to not allow ds to be with them unsupervised which isn't what we want either.
Families be crazy...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 20:40:37 GMT -5
Understood
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 12, 2012 21:37:35 GMT -5
I HATE where I live but I LOVE DF so I make the best of it. He knows it.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Sept 13, 2012 8:42:35 GMT -5
Reading this thread is making me wonder if DH and I are just really compatible, too lazy or really just don't give enough of a shit about a lot of this stuff.. we don't have many areas where we are in complete disagreement with each other. Or maybe it's just all the wine that we drink... I was thinking the same thing. You really are one of the voices in my head. ;D The only thing we ever fight about is his family. The weird part is we normally don't disagree. They just make us so crabby we start fighting for no reason. The only thing we really disagreed about was my son taking meds forhis ADHD. He was dead set against it. I told him I was fine with whatever solution he came up with. He answer was he had no solution. I told him I would back him with any solution but he had to actually have one first. The weird part is that now with him on the meds DH was the first to say he needs to be on them year round. ;D
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Sept 13, 2012 8:48:41 GMT -5
I don't know if I could be married to someone if we had different political views. I have no idea how Arnold and Maria made it all those years. Same goes for religion and other biggies.
Lena
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