Reluctant SAHM

[naturallyfrugal]

Since August 2009, we have moved twice (one move from the West coast to the East coast, and then again to another state on the East coast) and I have looked for a job in both states, with no luck. We were only in NC/SC (on the border) for less than six months and I probably looked solidly for 5 of those months and then we moved to VA. I have been looking here for over 7 months and, without gov't accounting experience, haven't had much luck. There was some down time between moves to pack/unpack and get familiar with the area and research/find Pre-K/daycare options for my son.

While I'm continuing to look for a job and prepping to take the GMAT (if I can't find a job, I would like to get my MBA), I'm beginning to resign myself to being a SAHM versus Unemployed. I was a SAHM for my son's first year (he'll be 5 in March) and that was fantastic because he needed me to care for him and I loved doing it, but he's so independent now and in full-time Pre-K that I am bored out of my mind.

This is not meant to be a Work Outside the Home versus Stay At Home parenting debate - I would prefer to be working, but since that isn't happening, I might as well get used to my new role.

I don't get Unemployment since we moved for my husband's job rather than losing my job and I'm very lucky that my husband makes enough for me to be at home, but my income (if I had it) would absolutely help us save more (retirement, college) and have more "extras."

Is there anyone else out there that has become a SAHM, SAHD, SAHW, SAHH because of some unexpected circumstance (job loss, illness, etc...)? Are you happy with it? I think of myself as Unemployed, rather than SAHM.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

First off, I'm sorry that you're a bit bored and frustrated with your situation... and I think getting your MBA could be a wonderful thing for you. In the meantime, you might also consider (unless the idea just horrifies you) of doing daycare in your home. There are a lot of working parents out there who'd love a "stay at home mom" with just 1 other child to watch their little one(s). I don't believe that special licensing is required if you care for just one family, but that could be a California rule.

I "sort of" became a SAHW unexpectedly in 2005. After being hospitalized for chest pains for 3 days (later determined to be anxiety-related, thank goodness), my wonderful DH and I decided that I was just too stressed, too burnt out, too anxious (you get the idea) to be working any more, and that I needed a long break to just decompress, calm down, heal, readjust, etc. There were other factors, too ... I had an insane work schedule (60+ weeks and middle-of-the-night callouts to shooting scenes), and because of HIS work and deployment schedule (he's a military pilot) we hardly saw each other... and we were both miserable. So we decided to tighten our budget belts, adjust our lifestyle fairly radically, and have be me a stay-at-home-wife "for a while."

It's been a wonderful 5 years. I am rarely bored, I'm much less stressed, and I love being a happy housewife/homemaker. (Which means, for me, that it was a good choice. I realize that it's NOT the choice for everyone or every family.) I spend a lot of time volunteering, and I love that. And my wonderful DH loves that he can now see me, spend time with me, and that I'm happier and less of a stress puppy. (OK, I still stress and worry ... he deploys to war zones a lot and I worry about people shooting at him or his plane crashing, but that's another issue.)

But you need to figure out what will work for you, your family, and your plans for the future. When it comes to marriage and family and happiness, there is NO one-size-fits-all answer. ((( hugs ))) My best to you......

[upstatemom]

Have you tried to look for a part time job that you can do when DS is at preschool? I work part time and my kids are teens. They still love it when I am home when they get off the bus. During school breaks, they are alone for only part of the day. This allows us to go to the local beach, or for me to run them around to see friends/ family or just spend time together.

[naturallyfrugal]

Thanks for the replies! I appreciate the suggestion for at-home daycare, but that's really not for me - I just don't think I have the temperament to deal with other people's children 5 days a week. My son was a dream to take care of - easy going, not a cryer, didn't need a strict schedule. And I'm not sure I would like being literally "at home" all day long.

Molly, that's great that you've found a balance that works for you - activities, volunteering, friends. I am an incredibly shy person and not social, which is why work is good for me. It kind of forces me to interact with people - I'm not socially inept, just shy and not the type of person who needs to socialize a lot. My husband is a retired Marine officer, so I understand the stress of deployments and travel.

Upstatemom, I am looking at part time employment - I'm looking for any kind of accounting-related employment (full-time, part-time, contract/temp)! I'm totally open to it all - the problem I'm having with part-time is that it's mostly for clerks or staff accountants and I'm way over-qualified for that and I think people are hesitate to hire someone with much more experience, but I still apply and cross my fingers.

Thank you both for the comments and suggestions, I appreciate it and hope I didn't come off as making excuses....I haven't given up finding a job, just trying to figure out what to do with this new "life"......

[dancinmama]

I totally understand where you are coming from regarding boredom. I gave up my career to stay home and take care of our son and although it was a joy watching him grow up, I found the job to be quite mundane. Plan meals, clean house, grocery shop, do laundry, plan more meals, clean more, buy more groceries, and put in another load.

I did work part time for a couple of years after DS started school, but got laid off in a down sizing and decided that my working days were pretty much over.

You are the only one who can decide what will be best for you. If you WANT to work, keep looking; and in the meantime do the SAHM gig and decide whether you want to commit yourself to an MBA program or not.

[steff]

I wouldn't say I became a SAHM reluctantly, but out of necessity. I was bartending when I got married & pregnant. It's just not the kind of job a pregnant woman can continue doing (lots of heavy lifting and on feet all day/night). Before bartending, I had worked in accounting for years and hated every second of it and that's why I eventually got my bartenders license and went that route.

After having my son, bartending was just not the career I wanted him to see mommy working in. To be a successful bartender one has to be rather forward, flirt a lot, and put up with touchy feeling drinkers. I just didn't want my son seeing that. Plus, my hubby works nights. Going back to a 9-5 job would have meant that we'd never see each other. As it is, he can go days without seeing kiddo (who is now 16). For us, we decided that I'd be a SAHM/W so that one of us would always be there for kiddo. For the teachers meetings, sports events, school stuff. Things that hubby couldn't be at.

Now that my son has reached the age where he doesn't need mommy there 24/7 and will be starting college in the next couple of years, I'm looking forward to when it's just me and hubby. I don't have plans to jump back into the work force. I think it would be very difficult considering I've been out of accounting for almost 20 years now, and out of bartending for 17 years.

[wackyaunt]

I decided to be a SAHE (stay at home executive) after a reorg 18 months ago left me jobless. Can't say that I miss the boss that was physically and emotional abusive in the least. My BP went down drastically after about 4 months and a I actually began sleeping through the night something I hadn't done for about 15 years. So when people ask me what "I do" now, it depends on the person, some I tell that I am a SAHE, some I tell I'm a kept woman, and still others I tell that I am my hubby's arm candy. I enjoy being home now, when I was newly married and a fresh parent, I thought I would be bored out of my gourd and always kept working and advancing, now I wish I had given it a try to be a SAHM more enthusiastically. The decision is yours and what is best for you, but I can tell you that my kids remember going to the sitter every day and the rare "stay home" day and the much preferred the "stay home" days. Just a suggestion, if your little guy is in school or Pre-K look into volunteering there to be around people and start networking with them to help find a job if that is really what you decide you want.

[shanendoah]

Slightly different perspective here, I am the wife of an uninteded SAHH. He also thinks of himself as Unemployed (and thanks to all the extensions does receive benefits) but at 20 months out of the workforce now...
He did decide to go back to school and just started classes on Tuesday.
DH is prone to depression so we made sure he had a regular schedule to keep him on track. I call every day on my lunch break and check in. If there's something I would like him to get done that day, I ask then.
We do have two dogs, one of whom we got at 6 months old, that we would not have been able to adopt had DH been working. But now, they need him about as much as your DS needs you (possibly less).
Truth is, he spends a lot of time playing video games. He would rather be working, but after 20 months and 2 interviews, we're both pretty resigned. I think I'm more excited about him going back to school than he is.
So you need to figure out what works for you and your family. I have my MBA and got it while working full time. If you really want one and can get it without having to juggle work on top of everything else, I say go for it.
But if you don't really want it (or any advanced degree) then school just becomes a job where you pay them. And that sucks.
You say you're shy, so work helps you break out of your shell. Consider volunteering. Find a cause that's close to your heart and contact the group. I bet there are a lot of non-profits in your area where accounting help is greatly needed - especially this time of year.

[sccdf]

Try temping. Yes you will earn less but it is the best way of trying out new jobs to see what you prefer. Think about it you will get paid to explore different options. Each week could be different until you find a good match.

You mentioned business. If you want to find your own temp job try calling CPA firms to see if they want extra help from now until April. CPA firms have tons of contacts. If you like the work but they can't keep you a good reference from them goes a long way.

[naturallyfrugal]

I did ask if his school needed any help and they don't - it may have to do with insurance, I'm not sure but they don't have any volunteers there.

We have started the paperwork for my husband's GI Bill benefits to be transferred to me, so I actually wouldn't have to pay for my MBA - maybe books if they are more than the stipend. That's a big reason why I'm considering it. It would be great if I wasn't working and only going to school - how easy is that? My first Bachelor's is in English (18th/19th century British Lit) and I went back to school while working full-time (around 50 hours/week) and got my Accounting degree and all I did for 2 1/2 years was work and go to school....no fun.

As mentioned earlier, I do look for temp jobs while also looking for full-time, part-time, and contract (pays a little better than temp work). I have contacted CPA firms, but my experience is in corporate accounting and most of them (at least at this time of year) are interested in people with personal income tax experience, which I don't have (other than doing my own taxes). So, I'm looking for a for-profit, corporate, non-government accounting position which is hard to come by in the "land of government contractors."

I am keeping an eye out for volunteering positions in the area, but I would rather keep volunteering close to home since my SUV gets about 15 mpg. (I am open to driving much farther for a paid position.)

Shanendoah, I totally understand where your husband is coming from (playing video games and getting a little depressed) - I spend way too much time at Home Goods! (I rarely buy anything, I just like to go look.)

I'm not unhappy, I just feel out of place - if that makes sense. Kind of like I'm in limbo, or something.

[bobbysgirl]

I have an out of the box suggestion. A question first: Is it possible that you have lost some of your confidence because there is a feeling of no one wants you. (in the work force) You appear to do well communicating in the written language. Have you thought of secret shopping? I did it when I lived in VA (Hampton Roads area) and made a steady 800.00 a month. (plus dinners, ice cream, products, and lots of free stuff) Plus I loved the shops in VA Beach for fancy dinners. As you get better at doing them and learn what works for you even the narratives for the fancy dinners don't take that long. There are so many different kinds of shops there that you could do it full time and make your own schedule. ( I did it part time) After a while the companies call you to do their assignments. You could go to interviews and look for accounting jobs or earn the cash to go to school. You'll always be available for your son too. Just a thought.

[naturallyfrugal]

Bobbysgirl - it is absolutely possible that I've lost some of my confidence; it's frustrating because I am a great accountant with fantastic references and I can't seem to even get in the door to speak to anyone.

I like the idea of secret shopping (despite being "naturallyfrugal," I'm also "naturallylikestoshop"). I didn't realize it is a legitimate option - I thought secret shopping was some sort of scam.

I don't know if this is against the rules here, but is there a legitimate company you can recommend? If it's against the rules, I understand. I can probably Google "legitimate secret shopping" or something like that.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone!!!!

[naturallyfrugal]

Wrongsideof30 - I think that's kind of how I feel (stressed about money). As I said, my husband makes enough for me to stay home and still afford food, but I don't feel like I should spend any extra money because I'm not contributing. I know I make other contributions to the household, but I feel bad that I'm not contributing an income.

[naturallyfrugal]

I think I would like a part-time job so I can be involved with my son's activities; or a full-time job that has flexibility (like secret shopping). My son starts "big boy school" in the fall and I would like to volunteer in his classroom as a "Room Mom" or whatever they call it. I never really considered it an option because I thought I would be working full-time, but I do like the thought of it.

All of this discussion has made me really think about what I would like to do and what would be best for the family. I think my husband likes me being at home because I take care of stuff he would normally have to do on the weekends -
like easy home maintenance and lawn care.

[upstatemom]

I too am an accountant, I applied to a small local company who advertised for an accountant/ bookkeeper. During the interiew they told me I was overqualified but they were looking to bring their company to the next level. I got the job and its worked out well for all of us.
Keep applying and one will workout, convince them that your skills are what they need. . In our business there are alot of local builders who need someone one day a week or every other week to do their books, maybe you could find a couple of self employeed clients who are looking for something like that. A few clients and bravo - a few days of work.
Good Luck

[naturallyfrugal]

Wrongsideof30 - I stress about the tight budget, too. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm in the process of getting a dental implant (almost $4k OOP) and because I'm currently chewing everything on one side of my mouth, I now need to replace a veneer ($$).

My husband travels regularly for work (usually a week at a time) and it is nice to not worry about how I will make it to daycare in time to pick up our son (which would be the case if I was working full-time and needed to work late). Plus, my husband is able to travel as needed, which may help at review/raise time.

[naturallyfrugal]

Thanks for the encouragement, upstatemom! I'm applying for everything and I've had 1 interview, but they went with someone who had medical practice experience (it was a large clinic). I even applied to several Accounting Assistant positions.

[bobbysgirl]

www.mysteryshop.org/ This is the Mystery Shopping Society's site. There's tons of info here. I am silver certified. I got more jobs by taking the little test. There are women who make lots of money doing this and consider it their job. Gpld certified get cruises and such. Like anything else, a person gets out of it what they put in it.

[naturallyfrugal]

Thanks so much, bobbysgirl! I am definitely checking this out - it seems like a nice option to get me out of the house and still allows me to job search. Who knows, I may find that I really enjoy it.

[Apple]

Ok, disclaimer, I'm not in your position, no where near it. I'm a single mom and work full time as an electrician, I got my first job in 5th grade (paper route for 3 years) and have worked ever since. I figured I'd want to work forever, and honestly, that I would need to--I'm also extremely shy, fine for the most part with being a loner, but work gives me lots of people to talk to when I want (I've been there 10 years, it took me over 4 years to say more than "hi" to several of them, like I said, pretty shy.) Anyway, I joke about wanting to find someone so I can quit my job so I can make the home (literally). But there is a lot of truth to that statement too, I would love to be a SAHM, even though DS is 13. Anyway, I doubt I'll ever achieve this, but these are my plans if I do...
Volunteer at a dog shelter, the shelters around here never turn down the help. Take ceramics classes--I did this in college as my "art" course, I thought I'd hate it but I really enjoyed it, I'd go spend some evenings on the potter's wheel now, but all their classes are while I'm at work (work 45 miles from home so I can't rearrange my schedule). I also love woodworking and carpentry, so much so that my goal is to be able to retire early so that I can stay home and build furniture (log and rustic style, although I'm capable of doing "pretty" stuff, I'd have more fun with these). There are several more things I'd like to do, but those are the top things.
So, do you have any hobby type things that you'd want to try? Could any of those hobbies bring in a little money? Since you don't "need" the money, you wouldn't be pressed with having to make a living from it, you could just enjoy it, and if it stops being fun, you can quit.
Oh, one more thought if you like dogs. One of the other posters on the boards brings in an extra $150 to $200 a week walking a couple dogs twice a day. I'd never pay someone that much to walk a dog, but some people will (my son walks ours every day). Could be another way to bring in a few dollars while getting exercise. Another poster does housekeeping. It's the same grind as at home, but it would also bring in money.

[sccdf]

There is nothing wrong with getting a masters degree since you have the time and money to do it. Please be aware however, that another degree won't magically get you over the hurdle of lack of experience and contacts. You mentioned that you thought you weren't getting entry level jobs because of your two B.S. add a masters degree and it narrows your opportunities further.

Have you looked into what it would take to take the CPA exam? You may be a couple of classes away that that credential would mean more than MBA. If you do want to stay in accounting consider advanced accounting courses. You could even teach at a college with a masters in accountancy, but MBA's are much more common. (I have one.)

You can gain experience without working a full time job. If you do want experience in tax preparation you can volunteer with VITA assisting low income (often eldery) tax payers. Free training is available and you can volunteer the hours that are convenient to you.

If I were in the position that I needed to make connections with the business community in a new town I would volunteer either with the Chamber of Commerce or the United Way. Both utilize executives. Great potential for networking!

[jsjjkelly]

Jan 6, 2011 14:50:22 GMT -5 upstatemom said:

Have you tried to look for a part time job that you can do when DS is at preschool? I work part time and my kids are teens. They still love it when I am home when they get off the bus. During school breaks, they are alone for only part of the day. This allows us to go to the local beach, or for me to run them around to see friends/ family or just spend time together.

Wow! This is where I am! It's so hard to find a job as it is now, but there are absolutely NO jobs for mom's during the day while the kids are in school! We just moved here 3 months ago, and it's been hard. I want to go get a job-- Something so I can feel like I'm accomplishing something, bringing in that "extra" money, and being productive.

I quit my full time job when my husband joined the military. While it's been nice, and we're convinced it's the only way my son was going to come along..... but I digress. My little guy is 6 now and in 1st grade.

I completely understand what the poster is going through, it could be me!! BUT, what I ended up doing was completing those projects that I've always been putting off. I started scrapbooking, and I tell you what... apparently I take more pictures than I realized. I started writing down the events that happened to go with them, because otherwise, whoever was looking at the blank pictures would have no idea what it was.

While we lived in Texas we bought a repo'd home and I spent my spare time fixing up the house. The gratification of making it nicer and doing it myself was great. I cried quite a bit when it was time to move because I loved that house. And we made quite a bit of money on it when we sold it.

Some things I've done when I've been in that mood is I've gotten some part time jobs here and there... I've worked at a retail job at the mall when I knew my husband would be home to watch the kids (that ended when he deployed). I've been the noon-duty at my daughters school (watched them on the playground and in the cafeteria). That led to a substitute job, which I thought was awesome at the time.

I looked into getting my masters degree, and here the program I wanted was 53 hours at $300 some per credit hour. Add all those extra fees, and I'd be close to $20k for it. It's a lot right now.

Just pitching in to say you aren't alone in your predicament. I, for one, hear you loud and clear!!

Shawn in FL

[Deleted]

Naturallyfrugal I have been a reluctant SAHM on and off for 13 years. Due to my husband's job in the military, it was hard for me to have a job or a career when the kids were little. They are all in school now and I just finished my degree this past June. Of course now we have to move again and therefore I still am not really able to focus on my career.

I am currently working as a substitute teacher in order to keep my feet in the education field. It is working out pretty well for me. Is it my dream job? No, but it keeps me busy. I can work when I want to work. I can pick and choose what jobs I take. So, it works out ok.

DH will finally retire from the military in 4 years. I cannot wait. Yes he has a good job and I don't have to work, but I am really sick of having to move constantly and give up my dreams.

[Deleted]

Naturally Frugal,

If you want a part time accounting job in NoVA I would focus my efforts on smaller companies which may have Government related business but not government contracts. For example, many moons ago when we lived in the Arlington/Fall Church area I got a job as an accounting assistant with a small, but growing Patent Law Firm. Our two-person "Department" did the books and payroll for not only the law firm but also their real estate holdings and multiple sub S corporations. I didn't know anything about accounting when I started (I actually applied for another job; I didn't get it but they made an Assistant Accountant job for me instead. But don't envy me, I wasn't making any much money either! But I learned a lot and when it was time for me to move on, I was a lot more employable.

I subsequently worked for a developer before we had to make the move back to CA. If developers aren't busy right now in your area, you can bet Property Management firms are. That's an employer market you should try to tap into with your skills.

And I also agree with Upstate Mom's post. You're in a great position to help out a small firm that sees itself growing; you can tap into these types of companies via temp agencies because the employer is looking to "Try before they Buy".

Good luck to you!

[suziq38]

I didn't want to work when the kids were babies but I thought I should go back to work and my career. We needed the money.
I t was a huge mistake, and the kids and I did not like it at all (working full-time and the children is day care or grandma) Daycare lasted a week or two w/ DD.
My mom and dad became the only option.
When we figured out that working 50+ hours a week was not a good option, I took a lesser job and worked part-time.
Over the years the work has changed, but I am still working part-time. The kids are now 25 and 23.

That was such a nice compromise.
I do admire the SAHP. I always wanted to be one. We just couldn't afford it with DH making so little at his internship when he was trying to complete his undergrad.
The moral of the story is to try to finish college before the wedding (for us).

Everyone has a different story to tell, all different opinions and circumstances.
What I have learned is that everyone is trying to do their best given their circumstance and money situation.

[telephus44]

naturallyfrugal, I don't have any idea, but here's a big hug. I have been there, done that. The day I went into the hospital to birth my son, my plant announced that they were closing and I had no job to come back to. I spent 6 months home with him. I was partly just tired an exhausted from dealing with a new born, but also really bored. I know exactly how you feel! I was fortunate in that I was able to stumble on a new job - went out for drinks with some ex co-workers, and met the HR person at a competing company who had just had someone in my position retire - we had enough friends/references in common and it was doing exactly the same thing as I had being doing previously so it was a perfect match - and they offered me the job the day after my interview. I know that's not going to happen for you, but I do know how you feel. I'll send good thoughts your way that you find something soon and DON'T FEEL GUILTY. That was something I struggled with a lot - when I told people I was laid off most people would just say "Oh, you're so lucky! You get to be a SAHM! That's awesome!" and really, it wasn't "awesome." I know you don't want this to be a debate about WOHM vs. SAHM, but just try not to let anyone make you feel guilty. I'm here for you.

[naturallyfrugal]

Thanks to everyone for you replies, suggestions, and encouragement! I don't think an MBA (I actually would get a MAcc and then finish up the MBA requirements, so 2 degrees in about 21 months) will magically make a job appear, but it will look like (on my resume) I was doing something productive during that time. I have the credits to sit for the CPA exam but, to be honest, I've never felt a real desire to do it. In 2011, they've added an International Accounting portion to the exam and that does scare me a little since I have no int'l experience.

Last night, I looked online for information regarding teacher certification for professionals who want to change careers and teach. There's a local school where I can take the necessary classes and tests to teach business classes in high school. I thought that would be nice since I would have (roughly) the same school schedule as my son.

It's nice to read that I'm not alone in this situation. We're currently renting a house so no big changes, but I have painted 4 rooms and am thinking of what I could do next. I do need to update a beach rental property we have, so I will go down there and do that for about a week. That's a week by myself to paint, new carpet, and decorate (depends on the condition of the furniture and decor).

I have seen (and applied to) property mgmt companies since I do have experience with that. A lot of the ads I read request a salary requirement (and say you won't be considered if you don't include it) and I never know what to put. I know my previous salary will take me out of consideration, but I don't want to lowball too much, either. I've been putting down about 1/3 to 1/2 less than what I used to make, depending upon the job for which I'm applying.

No one has made me feel guilty (I'm doing that to myself), but I do feel weird because so many women work here. All the mother's I've met from my son's class work and are surprised when I say I don't (particularly since he's in the full-time program). I would have done part-time, but my husband really wanted him to go full-time.

[sccdf]

If you think you would like to teach at the high school level, try subbing now.

BTW. BonnaP had a good idea of trying smaller companies. Most can't pay for a full time person, but they need help to expand.

[Deleted]

Jan 7, 2011 9:09:18 GMT -5 @angel33 said:

DH will finally retire from the military in 4 years. I cannot wait. Yes he has a good job and I don't have to work, but I am really sick of having to move constantly and give up my dreams.

I'm still trying to come to terms with this. I knew it was going to happen when we got married, and truthfully started before when I gave up my position as a police officer, but...dang it's hard!

[Deleted]

LilBit-I will admit that sometimes I still haven't come to terms with it. I still get angry that I am the one who had to give up my dreams. I love my kids but I never wanted to stay home with them. I am doing better now that I have FINALLY graduated and have a degree (5 colleges later). I still dream of having my own classroom some day, but for now I am ok with just working part time as a substitute teacher.