The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 17:16:12 GMT -5
I've posted the stats before on male rape, so I won't repeat that discussion. Maybe with this in place there is no plausible self deception (well I thought they wanted to go all the way, what do you mean they didn't...). The aggressor will have to be honest with themselves and know they continued the act even when the other party said no. The aggressor will have to live with the firm knowledge they are a rapist. I would hope that might give some pause. You also presume this situation applies only to hetro relationships - it's, I think, a good thing for all relationships. I just did a quick google search...91% of rape charges are lodged by females. considering that males make up half the population I stand by my statement that this is basically something to protect dumb females from their drunken decisions.
I agree with you that when a party says "NO" and the other person continues then that is rape...however, when a person doesn't say no and doesn't stop it, then no, it is not rape. Crying rape the next day is buyers remorse....I have enough pride in myself not to blame someone else for my mistakes.
Male rape is a seriously under reported crime. Especially bringing that thread back up, I become more convinced that we should train the next generations, maybe at an even younger age, that people should ask permission before touching them in certain ways. ymam.proboards.com/post/2194608If you want to look at it as a negative thing, I would say it's more to protect the guys from being charged by women for their drunken decisions. I prefer not to have that view, though.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 15:36:56 GMT -5
You seem narrowed in on this as a women's issue, I don't necessarily see it that way. Let's take this in another direction - when is the last time one of us had a son come home with the snot beat out of him? Granted, I don't have a boy, but my friends do and it's so uncommon that when it happened, we discussed it for weeks. Yet I understand from my father and my husband that dudes used to settle disputes with their fists all the time. Somewhere along the way that became not so acceptable and now, at least from what I can see, it's a rarity - to the point where you get suspended for doing so. We seem to blindly think that teens can only think with their hormones. I don't accept that. I think it's a good thing for both parties to have to pause, and think and actively ensure the other wants to proceed. At the very least, that forces a moment of reset and who knows - maybe there won't be so many regrets the next morning. The above is for both genders btw. And when was the last time that a teenaged girl was charged with rape because the next day the boy sobered up and decided he really didn't want to have sex but that aggressive, sex-crazed girl took advantage of him? This may be a gender neutral law but it won't be enforced in a neutral way.
I've posted the stats before on male rape, so I won't repeat that discussion. Maybe with this in place there is no plausible self deception (well I thought they wanted to go all the way, what do you mean they didn't...). The aggressor will have to be honest with themselves and know they continued the act even when the other party said no. The aggressor will have to live with the firm knowledge they are a rapist. I would hope that might give some pause. You also presume this situation applies only to hetro relationships - it's, I think, a good thing for all relationships.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 15:08:24 GMT -5
I see it from a different perspective. I'm not focused so much on the gender thing because I think this applies equally to both. Can't speak for all the relationships out there, but for most of the ones I was in, there was one partner who was more aggressive sexually. Usually all the pressure to put the brakes on, if desired, is then on the less aggressive one. They have to be the one who has to say "stop" or "I don't want to do this" or "I don't want to go farther". Let's be honest here, all things that you know will probably disappoint your partner. How can it be wrong then to put some of that pressure on the more sexually aggressive partner to ensure both parties are comfortable with progressing? Especially for teens because I can't help but think that pausing for a moment, and actively thinking about what you're doing, is a good thing.I get what you're saying, but this is one area where I think we need to shift some perceptions from consent is assumed, to consent should be requested by both parties. but if teens actually thought with their head and not their hormones there would be a lot less sex...but teens let hormones run wild and if there is alcohol involved they think even less.
Everyone wants big brother out of women's bodies (well, most everyone) but now we are saying females are too stupid to consent? I have major issues with that.
We are either the weaker sex that need men to look out for us and make sure we don't do anything stupid, or we are strong, independent people who can make our own decisions.
You seem narrowed in on this as a women's issue, I don't necessarily see it that way. Let's take this in another direction - when is the last time one of us had a son come home with the snot beat out of him? Granted, I don't have a boy, but my friends do and it's so uncommon that when it happened, we discussed it for weeks. Yet I understand from my father and my husband that dudes used to settle disputes with their fists all the time. Somewhere along the way that became not so acceptable and now, at least from what I can see, it's a rarity - to the point where you get suspended for doing so. We seem to blindly think that teens can only think with their hormones. I don't accept that. I think it's a good thing for both parties to have to pause, and think and actively ensure the other wants to proceed. At the very least, that forces a moment of reset and who knows - maybe there won't be so many regrets the next morning. The above is for both genders btw.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 14:50:54 GMT -5
So a simple "Are you ok with this" will kill the mood. Got it. I was joking with Archie about killing the mood.
But I find it offensive that women are seen as dumb little creatures that have to be specifically asked to make sure we are ok with something. If I'm taking off my clothes I am ok with it. I might regret it tomorrow but at that moment, in the heat of it, I am ok with it. I can't believe that other women aren't offended over this. We are being treated as the dumber sex that needs to be protected and I find that terribly offensive.
We can't have it both ways, women. If we want to be treated as equals than we sure as hell have to act like equals. Don't demand to make the same salaries as men because we are just as capable then claim we are too dumb to consent to drunken sex. I see it from a different perspective. I'm not focused so much on the gender thing because I think this applies equally to both. Can't speak for all the relationships out there, but for most of the ones I was in, there was one partner who was more aggressive sexually. Usually all the pressure to put the brakes on, if desired, is then on the less aggressive one. They have to be the one who has to say "stop" or "I don't want to do this" or "I don't want to go farther". Let's be honest here, all things that you know will probably disappoint your partner. How can it be wrong then to put some of that pressure on the more sexually aggressive partner to ensure both parties are comfortable with progressing? Especially for teens because I can't help but think that pausing for a moment, and actively thinking about what you're doing, is a good thing. I get what you're saying, but this is one area where I think we need to shift some perceptions from consent is assumed, to consent should be requested by both parties.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 14:17:33 GMT -5
So a simple "Are you ok with this" will kill the mood. Got it.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 14:16:05 GMT -5
If your house is in great condition, then why would you not sell it to him? I don't understand why there is such hesitation to sell to VA buyers (not you in particular, just in general). I have had Realtors who refuse to sell to VA buyers and I think it's ridiculous. If the houses were worth so much more than the veterans were offering, they would have been snapped up previously. The timing and the delays could be an issue for some people. DH and I have always had it so we moved into the new house before the old one was sold or moved into. Less stress that way. Nitpicky repairs are a pain in the ass. The window repair was like $50 for a corner crack that was less than 2 inches long. It was several hundred to get the whole garage painted for some peeling paint in an area no one would ever see. DH and I had the money for the nitpicky repairs. Not everyone does, especially when they're moving or buying a home themselves. Also, ALL repairs have to be done and paid for by the seller before the funds to purchase will be disbursed. Most conventional homes just negotiate purchase price on repairs needed if they're extensive, or pass if they are minor.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 13:53:35 GMT -5
The first home DH and I purchased together we sold to a vet. The inspection was brutal. Absolutely nothing was missed and DH and I took very good care of that house (new roof with re-deck, tore up driveway to put in code clean out pipe, all new mechanicals etc. We though the asbestos was going to be an issue, but it wasn't (it was properly contained).
We had to fix one window with a small crack and re-paint the garage (some paint was peeling in the back and of course it had to have lead). The appraised came in at full list so we didn't have a problem with this. This was , GAWD, over 17 years ago though so take what I say with a grain of salt.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 13:44:44 GMT -5
The Captain, You are smart to be planning ahead. We didn't think much about health care coverage as our employer had good coverage. Most people will have the required work history to qualify for Part A without a premium. So I should have listed Part A $0 in my list above (I'll go back and edit that).... You're kind to say so, but not really. I had to figure this stuff out (sounds like I did well - NOT REALLY) for my folks over a decade ago. My mom was too young for medicare (Dad wasn't) and I had to get her on private insurance. I was getting Dad signed up for medicare the same time I was getting Mom signed up for Tenncare. It was a mess.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 13:36:39 GMT -5
So, part A premium is 224 a month, part B premium is 105, and the rest would be $250 - do I have that right?where did you get that? Part A has no premium - for most people From the link I posted: The Four Parts of Medicare PART A (Inpatient Hospital Insurance) Eligible individuals are automatically enrolled in Part A with no premium. Others apply to the program when they are eligible or pay a monthly premium if they have worked less than 40 quarters (or 10 years) in their lifetime. Covers Helps cover inpatient care in hospitals (includes critical access hospitals, inpatient rehabilitation facilities and long-term care hospitals). Helps cover skilled nursing facilities (not custodial or long-term care), hospice and home healthcare services. Does Not Cover Physician services in the hospital, personal care items, private rooms (unless medically necessary), phone, television, and custodial care, such as assistance with eating, bathing, and getting dressed. Limitations There are some limitations of the number of hospital days covered for inpatient hospital coverage. Days 1-90 in a hospital stay are covered, and days 90-150 are only covered once in your lifetime. These days are called “lifetime reserve days.” Deductible and copayments apply after 150 days. Providers must accept Medicare and be accepting new patients. From the link you provided, I missed the first sentence. DH and I both have enough quarters. Medicare Premiums for 2015: Part A: (Hospital Insurance) Premium • Most people do not pay a monthly Part A premium because they or a spouse has 40 or more quarters of Medicare-covered employment. • The Part A premium is $224.00 per month for people having 30-39 quarters of Medicare-covered employment. • The Part A premium is $407.00 per month for people who are not otherwise eligible for premium-free hospital insurance and have less than 30 quarters of Medicare-covered employment
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 13:33:59 GMT -5
If you want precise, current premiums, here's ours - per person: Medicare Part B (Original Medicare) $104.90 Part D (Presc drug) $15.70 (going to $18.40 in 2016) Medigap Plan F (AARP/UHC) $183.53 total (not including a dental plan) $304.13 pp Don't you have a part A premium? Did I mess that up? BTW - I really do appreciate this. Trying to figure out health insurance premiums in retirement is my biggest worry because the numbers are not fixed and consistent. I was planning $1K a month (in today's dollars) for insurance because we're higher income than most and because I'm high risk - yes - I do want the Cadillac coverage. If DH and I go into early retirement then obviously our income will go down, unless we sell a rental or something (thanks for mentioning that!). I'm fortunate to be positioned where even if I do want to semi-retire, I'm pretty confident I could negotiate keeping me on the company's medical plan. If not, then I can still get coverage for two on the exchanges for $1k a month.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 13:25:13 GMT -5
Again, folks - this is an awesome thread! DH has had cancer 4 times now. Honestly forgot about that little point until Gardening Grandma reminded me. Unless they change the age, we'll probably go on medicare as soon as we're eligible at age 62. That's like 14-16 years in the future so a lot can change between now and then. Hell, just given my own medical history I'd go with the Cadilac plan. Blonde Granny - is there anywhere I can go to see what the highest premiums are today? Just curious for planning purposes. The Captain, normally, i believe the Medicare age is 65... You can go to medicare.gov - they have a couple of ways of searching for plans; put in your zipcode or more personal info for more details.. Just input birthdate as if you are already Medicare age.... If you want to see premiums for Medigap plans in WA state, here's the link: www.healthinsurancewashington.com/medicare/The "Medigap" link at the top takes you to a page where you can pull up quotes from various companies for the various plans for other states, google your state and medicare plans Huh, thanks. Why did I have 62 in my head? Went to the website - the part B ranges from $105 to $335 a month depending on income. We'll never be in the higher brackets. It's a bargain. Thanks for the medigap link above. The highest part F I found was $250 a month. So, part A premium is 224 a month, part B premium is 105, and the rest would be $250 - do I have that right? So roughly $580, now we'd have to double that to cover DH as well so about $1200 a month in today's dollars. Do I have this right? Am I missing something?
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 12:58:51 GMT -5
Dear nose, I know, it's been a rough allergy season. My outer nostrils look like a cross between the Sahara Desert and a loaf of burnt bread. My nasal passages feel like they've been stabbed repeatedly with a blunt object - like a brick, perhaps. My lungs have the air intake capacity of a Rubik's Cube. What is it about a woman being sick that makes her brain go into automatic mode and just keep plowing on, when really, she should be on the couch, soup in one hand, tissues in the other, waiting for her sinuses to levitate and leave her body? Signed, Bleah. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/sad.png) Awww, hugs Nancy! Hope you're feeling better soon.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 12:50:55 GMT -5
Again, folks - this is an awesome thread! DH has had cancer 4 times now. Honestly forgot about that little point until Gardening Grandma reminded me. Unless they change the age, we'll probably go on medicare as soon as we're eligible at age 62. That's like 14-16 years in the future so a lot can change between now and then. Hell, just given my own medical history I'd go with the Cadilac plan. Blonde Granny - is there anywhere I can go to see what the highest premiums are today? Just curious for planning purposes.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 12:39:41 GMT -5
dear chiver, do you think you could wear this particular pair of pants just once without spilling something on them? today was a chunk of chicken tender that had come out of the vinaigrette-dressed salad bowl. hopefully oxyclean can take that oil stain out. I don't even know what the dark mark is on the other thigh. <<shudder>> that's been hit with oxy a couple times, AND a Shout stick. ugh. I know the pants were only $12, but they actually work for work clothes. knock it off! -chiver's wallet There is a reason 100% of my work pants are black.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 12:24:20 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the nerve of this witch (misspelled). I realize she had a history with him .......... but Zib is his chosen wife and companion at the time of his death. I'm surprised the Rabbi allowed the disrespect to you at the life celebration. Zib, I'm so very sorry about this whole situation. Do what you need to do to get through this. I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/angel2.png) A lot depends on circumstances. My brother brought his bio-dad to my mom's funeral (her ex) supposedly for his (my brother's) emotional support. Never mind the fact that the sperm doner basically walked out our his sons' lives and left a young woman with two young kids, one sick and permanently hospitalized and had another man (my father) pay for the medical bills, funeral when the sick kid died (that sperm donor didn't bother to show up at) and never contributed a dime to support them. My grandma hated mom's ex with a venom I never saw elsewhere. Imagine a 90 yo woman in a wheelchair, burying her daughter (my mom), and having to look at the man who treated her own like dirt. Not saying that's what it's like in your case, but there are circumstances where it is not appropriate for the ex to come to the funeral. If you treat the parent of your children with respect that's one thing, not sure if that was the case for Zib's husband.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 12:09:01 GMT -5
I heard they are setting up sting operations to see if guys are responding correctly. Hopefully not too many guys will fall for the booby traps. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/rolleyes.gif)
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 12:03:17 GMT -5
You guys are doing a great job of giving information on this. I've bookmarked this thread for my own use.
It's been over a decade since I went over this stuff with my folks and I've forgotten most of it. I especially appreciate when peeps mention how much their premiums are for each of the coverages - helps me with planning for retirement.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 11:50:30 GMT -5
I'm honestly glad DH doesn't get sick that often, yea - he's a big baby when he does.
But, in all fairness, he does a pretty good job of running the house when I'm down. I have crazy busy times of the year at work so he has to do it then. Yea, not 100% the way I'd do it, but the kid gets fed, laundry gets done, and we have home cooked meals most nights. He even gets bonus points every now and then for remembering to clean out the fridge.
These last three weeks with me having the creeping crud and working a quarter close and getting a bunch of state returns out I was pretty much going home, taking a bath, and going to bed.
For the most part he kept the house running. Guess I'll keep him, eh?
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 11:43:25 GMT -5
wvugurl26 and GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl - this is actually the first time I've been able to get Kobe beef in the grocery store. We moved to a nicer area and they just opened a fancy smanshy organic, locally sourced as much as possible, yadda, yadda, yadda, store. DH and I went to check it out last weekend. It was kinda interesting - they have buffalo, ostrich, emu, and other "exotic" meats that I can't remember at the moment. I'd have to look up how to cook them before I bought any. Oh, and they had French lentils in bulk. They actually have a lot in bulk so I'll be back. We don't eat a lot of red meat, so I'm ok with going with more expensive cuts. The Kobe burgers were 2 8oz patties and we'll probably end up splitting them and getting three dinners and a lunch.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 10:02:49 GMT -5
WTH!!! I leave for 30 minutes and come back dead?!? At least I got to respawn for the first time, that was kinda cool! Whoot Whoot! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 9:14:19 GMT -5
At my current employer? Not in this century. We don't even get to wear jeans unless it's a fundraiser.
What is your favorite treat?
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 8:57:38 GMT -5
FWIW with the exception of about 15K in a 529b plan, the rest are in taxable accounts so technically we could spend it on whatever we want. Yes, like yogiii I want some flexibility as well. Honestly wished I didn't go the 529b route because our fees and ROI suck. I've just been too lazy to move it, but I should.
Maybe this thread will give me the kick in the ass I need.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 8:34:09 GMT -5
We've been on the budget plan for years (also in Midwest - Chicago area). Separate gas and heat companies. Both swing dramatically during the year.
There is a true up from budget to actual once a year so it's not like you're over or under charged. I like having my monthly cash flows as predictable as possible since most bills are on autopilot.
Gas is about $40 a month, electric is $133 a month.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 8:30:46 GMT -5
I always hear the 1/3 rule. Save 1/3 ahead of time, pay 1/3 as they attend, and have the kid pay the other 1/3 either in scholarship or loans or working while in school. But like someone mentioned if you have multiple kids in school at the same time the cash flowing part could be difficult depending on your salary and the prices of the schools. I went to an expensive private school, but my poor family didn't pay a penny. I'd like to give my kids the same if they have the aptitude. DH and I don't believe every kid is college material. I see value in vocation training, doing to a service academy, or even enlisting in the military and using education benefits later on. It all depends on the kid. I'll probably save in a way that doesn't have to be restricted to education, and as the kids are older the savings rates might be different according to each kid's ability, need, and interest. One caveat is that I will only help with 4 years of education. I got my degree in 4 years, never thought of doing otherwise because I could only get 4 years of financial aid from my school. Many of my friends with parents paying took 5-6 years and are no better off. So my kids will know from an early age that I will only help with 4 years. I started out that way then realized that even in my own profession (accounting) the requirements to sit for the CPA exam changed from a 4 year degree to a 5 year degree. I know there's a few other professions out there that require 5 years to get all the coursework in. So yea, I've relaxed a bit on this. No way in hell will I foot the bill for an extra year or two just because someone failed a class or didn't get enough credits in. I'm absolutely gobsmacked by how many of our friends' kids are on the 5, 6, and a few - even 7 year plans for a freaking 4 year degree. Too many changed majors, failed a key class and messed up their course schedule, etc. It's the exception now to make it in four years. And no, these are not kids going part time and working close to full time.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 8:11:38 GMT -5
Woof = correct Meow = correct Litter = done! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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Post by The Captain on Oct 19, 2015 13:09:44 GMT -5
Dear Universe,
I may have miscalculated.
Leftovers today for lunch included scalloped potatoes. Very yummy, very heavy scalloped potatoes.
I'm feeling very sleepy right now.
*(yawn)*.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 19, 2015 12:15:01 GMT -5
Sunday - pork chops with homemade raspberry sauce, cauliflower, and scalloped potatoes.
Monday - T-bones, mashed potatoes, and asparagus
Tuesday - Garlic basil pork sausages, broccoli, and leftover potatoes from prior nights.
Wednesday - Kobe beef hamburgers ( a first for me, we'll see if they're worth the extra $2 a pound - they were on sale), corn, and noodles and sauce
Thursday - split pea soup
Friday - leftovers.
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Post by The Captain on Oct 19, 2015 11:46:48 GMT -5
DD has no idea how much we have/will have saved for college, none.
We only have one child, two incomes so it's easy for me to throw out these numbers.
DH and I are planning on having about 80% of the in-state school cost saved by the time DD starts college. If things go according to plan, DH and I could easily cash flow the rest, but DD will be taking out loans to have skin in the game. One flagship school around here is $30K a year so 120K total, 80% of that would 96K. Based on today's stock market we have about $70K of that saved. DD is 12. She's got 5.5 years to go.
If she does well, graduates on time, and is reasonably responsible, we'll pay off the loans as a graduation present. She doesn't know this either. We will not qualify for subsidized anything.
DH and I place a huge premium on education, to the point that saving for DD's college takes priority over fancy cars, expensive trips, or lifestyle creep. Even if DD should choose a 5 year major (and I mean one that does take 5 years like accounting, or some engineering or medical) and not a 5 year plan we'd probably be able to bankroll the extra year.
Bonus points to her if she goes the cheaper route. We have an excellent community college system. If her college costs come in way under budget then we'd probably make those funds available to help her launch, buy a house, etc. No, she doesn't know this either.
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The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
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Post by The Captain on Oct 19, 2015 10:24:42 GMT -5
Ouch! I guess it's not a rhetorical question?
No. So far we've been lucky and have not had any cracked screens. That may have something to do with the fact the DH always gets the best protective cover he can ($50+ a pop) for the phones as soon as we buy them.
Name one thing you made from scratch, that was so good you're never going back to box mixes again (scalloped potatoes).
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The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
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Post by The Captain on Oct 19, 2015 9:58:12 GMT -5
Ugg. Only had one set of very close friends get divorced and it was because one of them went off the deep end and refused to get help. We didn't exclude them, they excluded themselves.
Hearing divorce statistics I'm stunned at how many of our crowed didn't get divorced. Except for the one mentioned above, most of the divorced friends we have, got divorced before we became friends.
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