Do Irresponsible parents raise responsible childre

[zibazinski]

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Reading some of the threads and posts on here about trainwreck parents, mostly financial but it does spill over into other areas. Did it make you swear you'd NEVER do what they did? Or did you repeat the mistakes?

[midjd]

Jun 6, 2011 9:52:04 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Yep. My sister, too. So far, so good. My brother, OTOH, seems destined to end up like my parents...

I guess 2 out of 3 isn't too bad

[zibazinski]

That seems to be the case. Usually it is more than one child, if there are many, that go the better way but it always seems there is at least one. 2 cases I know, sperm donor and idiot breeder had more mouths to feed than money for them. Guess they were too proud to be on the public tit so the kids were basically hungry and never well clothed until they got out on their own but only one in each HUGE family is a loser, the rest either joined the military, didn't get knocked up in HS and got decent jobs afterward and married "okay" before having the children they could afford to raise. One of them is a giflfriend of mine and she says to this day, she drinks too much milk because she never got any except at school or friends homes as a child.

[Deleted]

No, there is something in our DNA that makes our personality. They do all these studies of twins. In one of them the two boys were raised separately, one with their father and one with their maternal grandmother, and they both grew up to be super organized neat freaks. When they asked them why they were that way one said "My father is this way and that is how I was taught". The other one said "My grandmother was a complete slob and it drove me nuts. I swore to never be that way."

[cael]

DF's mother is a trainwreck, financially & in almost every other sense of the word. His sister got the hell out of dodge when she was 17 & never looked back - is a normal, responsible mother of 4 now. DF had some difficulty when he was younger, but has turned out just fine (he's finally financially responsible, has goals, wants/has a nice life) and has no desires to ever be like his mother. Unfortunately, their 15 year old brother will probably never turn out any different from his parents (the kid is mom and stepdad's, not DF and sis's father's, and the kid's dad is a horrible person). It's sad to see, I think it's partially environment, partially personality.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH has the most finanically smart dad on the planet and yet he turned out totally messed up finanically. The problem was that he and his siblings reaped the benefits of what his dad sowed, they didn't really register the work it took. DH grew up thinking money fell off trees.

Which I suppose does make them somewhat irresponsible, but my grandparents are the same way you just didn't talk about those types of things with children.

[Deleted]

Depends. There's a phenomenon of codependency where some children of really irresponsible parents will take on too much responsibility. I ended up very responsible, my brother did not. DH and his sister were raised by responsible parents - he ended up responsible, his sister did not.

[midjd]

DH and his younger sister (19) are somewhat like Drama described... DH's older sister (31) is old enough to remember the lean years before FIL's business took off, so she is a little better with money. DH got off to a rocky start, but is learning. Younger SIL is still in the "If I can afford the payments, I can afford it" stage (which, with her penchant for quitting jobs in the heat of the moment, is not a good place to be... but that's another thread).

[april47]

A lot of people are middle ground. I've had no bounced checks or bankruptcies. I've always managed to pay my bills. However, I didn't save much for retirement and usually piddle away my money. I'm much better now but it's too late to make much difference since I'm already retired. It doesn't help that I am a widow now and didn't expect that so soon. Anyway, one of my 3 kids is close to being a trainwreck. 2 of my kids are doing OK but have spent too much in the past. They are both improving and more aware now of their future and are taking pains to save now. I really can't help my desperate daughter much and that distresses me. I never felt like an irresponsible person untill now but it's too late to go back 40 years and change things.

[Deleted]

Jun 6, 2011 10:50:52 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Depends. There's a phenomenon of codependency where some children of really irresponsible parents will take on too much responsibility. I ended up very responsible, my brother did not.

This is how it worked in our house. My mother was a mess. From a young age I would not use my lunch money, because I knew she was going to need it later. My sister took the opposite approach. She spent it as soon as she got it, so mom wouldn't take it.

Now I don't deal well with financial insecurity, so everything is well organized (maybe too well) with lots of cushion. My sister just thinks things being late and having no money is normal. She handles her money exactly like my mother and is always surprised that it doesn't work. My cousins, who were also raised the same, are slightly more likely to be a financial mess than not.

My DH has been known to look at me and ask "how did you come out of this mess?"

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I have seen both sides in my own family. I think it is a little bit DNA and little bit how you were raised. In our family, people who had irresponsible parents seem to fall in the two extremes (one being exactly like the irresponsible parent and the other being the exact opposite/super saver/meticulously organized, etc). I know that the plural of antecdote is not data but I find it interesting how it seems to be consistent. One place that I can see DNA is when people had irresponsible parents but were not raised by them (were raised by responsible fanikly members). I have seen those people have lots of irresponsibility/drama in their lives like their bio parents. This fascinates me because they saw the trauma it caused to their family, themselves as children, etc yet they repeat the same mistakes over again. This despite the fact that they were shown a responsible way to go by the family that raised them.

[Deleted]

Now I don't deal well with financial insecurity, so everything is well organized (maybe too well) with lots of cushion.

I don't deal well with it either. It would take a staggering amount of money for me to feel truly secure.

[zibazinski]

I'm the same way. Irresponsible parents, anally responsible child.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I've wondered the same thing but more about wants. I could see how among those who grew up wanting for nothing, some will do what it takes to continue that lifestyle, while others will have very unrealistic views about how much it takes to live that way. For those that grew up lacking, some will do whatever it takes to take care of themselves, while others have no idea of what a "better" life is, and will repeat their childhoods.

[zibazinski]

I am so easy about buying nice things for my kids or others but to buy something for myself just about kills me.

[Gardening Grandma]

I agree with the "it's some of both" school of thought. My sister and I were raised by a woman who, while not financially irresponsible, did live on the edge of poverty. She always believed that "God would provide". She had some incredible luck and she also did some incredibly foolish things (like giving nearly 1/2 a million so her church could build a new building - keeping $10000 for her old age).

I guess God DID provide. She's now in a nursing home with Alzheimer's thanks to Medicaid.

My financial goal always was security. Not wealth, but security. I stayed at a secure job for the benefits and retirement. I feel fairly secure now. Oddly, my kids don't seem to value security the way I did.

My sister has a more happy-go-lucky attitude about finances. I'd go nuts if I were in her shoes.

[thyme4change]

So, those people on the radical unschooling thread will have children, that despite playing video games non-stop for their entire childhood, will grow up to be super-responsible?

I don't think it is that simple.

[Deleted]

So, those people on the radical unschooling thread will have children, that despite playing video games non-stop for their entire childhood, will grow up to be super-responsible?

They will have children who vote republican, send their own children to boarding schools and protest for the death penalty.

This is my favorite unschooling family:

news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110524/ts_yblog_thelookout/parents-keep-childs-gender-under-wraps

[swamp]

I especially like the part where the 2 and 5 year old siblings are allegedly not telling anyone. This parent needs to share the secret with me of how to keep a preschooler from spilling the beans!

[8 Bit WWBG]

Oh dear lord.... I am getting scared. Every now and then I read one of the comments and agree with them... but then the person totally shatters me.

The person who said that "Logan" pushing keys on the keyboard was actually asking for attention did make a little sense. I agree that negative attention is still attention, and when kids need attention they don't care about good or bad.

But then this gem: "Logan has my engaged attention and my company all day, every day, well into the night. (He sleeps with us, too.)" Eventually, Logan will get the master bedroom, like that girl in Mean Girls did from her parents.

Then, the person who said that the kid is starting to understand and respect the parents request. But oh wait... that kid sleeps with the parents too.

If I were that husband, I would be spending less and less time sleeping at home, and more and more time with the new girlfriend I'd have. I think if your spouse suddenly refuses to enforce boundaries, to the point that she is actively working against any discipline you set, then its not really cheating anymore. There's a boundary for you honey: you let the kid run the house, I won't be in it anymore.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Anne I think they are unschooling more because they know if the kids go to regular school, they will start asking questions. The older sibling already wants to be indentified as a boy but the parents refuse. Think what would happen if he went to school, he might get his wish!

Not to mention the elder kid will get the shit beat out of him for wearing barettes. I am all for bending gender norms but I am not for putting a giant target on my kid's back.

[Deleted]

drama - I have to find the original article. In it Storm's parents also talk about how they like to hang out with revolutionaries and how they use a "family" bed. All 5 of them sleep together.

Ok: here's the original article

www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/babies/article/995112--parents-keep-child-s-gender-secret

here's the follow up

www.thestar.com/news/article/995846--star-readers-rage-about-couple-raising-genderless-infant?bn=1

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've not read much about them beyond what has been posted on EE, but that information pretty much fits what I just said. If you unschool you can keep your kids from every finding out that you are whacko and using them as your private social experiment.

[thyme4change]

The person who said that "Logan" pushing keys on the keyboard was actually asking for attention did make a little sense. I agree that negative attention is still attention, and when kids need attention they don't care about good or bad.

I totally agree. I think this kid is bored and not getting enough stimulation. Mom is asking him "What do you want to do?" He is seven. I don't think he knows enough to say "I'd like to multiply double digit numbers." He answers what every 7 year old answers "Watch tv." I notice that after some extended tv time, my kids get a little punchy. I ask them if they want to do other things, and the answer is always "no." Then I say "Outside or experience the wrath of mom" (and we do the whole thing where we make the fist and yell "MMMMOOOOMMMM." We really think we are hysterical people.) and instantly they are outside, making up a game with a ball, a barbie and 9 pairs of shoes. Five minutes before, it wasn't what they wanted to do.

[daylight]

I think that mostly they do. And if not, it's probably not due to their merit either. I mean, the kid would know what *not* to do, but would not to do what to do at all. It's not like you do the opposite of what mom and dad do and then you'll be fine. If they find the right way it's probably due to them asking questions from the right people, and these people providing them with education the parents never bothered to provide. It's horribly difficult, whatever the trainwreck issue is. I especially feel for people with no hobbies, because mom and dad thought that watching tv would suffice.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I want to know how they got Storm if they are all sleeping in the same bed. I don't think it would be very comfortable doing the deed next to 1 and 4 year old./...

[zibazinski]

Thank GOD because its idiots like this who make the breeding licensers come out in droves.

[thyme4change]

I want to know how they got Storm if they are all sleeping in the same bed.

The shower.

[thyme4change]

Or, the back seat of a pinto. That is where 87.6% of babies are conceived.

[happyscooter]

Thyme, what kind of a gymnastics person are you that you could do THAT in a pinto?