thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 6, 2011 11:55:13 GMT -5
I have thought that I would put all our money and assets into a trust and have my sister administer the trust, and then have our friends raise our kids. It isn't that our friends would do anything unsurley with the money - they just aren't as fiscally responsible with money as I would like. I might leave instructions like pay off the house and sign it over to our friends, or sell it and give them the money. Sign the cars over to our friends and give them $X to get them all set up / move / buy new furniture, whatever. Give them a monthly allowance of $Y and put aside whatever amount for college. The rest of the money can be tapped at my sister's discretion - private school, or extra-ciricular activities, or whatever. Any left over when the youngest turns 25 is split between them. My friends keep the house, free and clear.
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msgumby
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Post by msgumby on Jun 6, 2011 12:07:43 GMT -5
We are supposed to get my SIL if MIL dies, but I think the ex-step-father-in-law will fight us for custody. He is emotionally abusive, bipolar, alcoholic (many DUIs), with no job, etc... We are in the will to get SIL, but it can be hard to get custody over a biological parent (although the divorce was finalized and he got no custody rights). If it came down to it, we would fight for her - because living with her father would be a disaster. We have a bit of an advantage in that the father has absolutely no assets and his parents/siblings all agree that he shouldn't have custody in his current condition. I mostly worry he will clean up temporarily, get custody, then relapse/go off his meds. Because MIL is older for a parent (50s) and a smoker, it is something we worry about. We would be more than happy to take her in, but I worry that we wouldn't be allowed to. We would be a much more stable environment than the other option.
For our future kids, we are going to will them to my brother. My mother wants to be their guardian, but the first one still isn't born yet, and she's in her mid-60s. She has plenty of energy now, but she may not live long enough to get them through to adult-hood and I don't want them to lose two sets of guardians.
For those of you with children, how many "back-up" guardians did you include in your will?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2011 12:16:03 GMT -5
We need to write a will. Our assets recently changed and we are waiting for things to settle before we write one. We have discussed at length who gets DD. It has changed about 5 times as the life situation of the people we were thinking changed for the worse and we no longer felt comfortable with leaving her with them. It is now my dad, because he asked for her. It's not perfect, I worry a little about his age, but DD already has a relationship with him, sees him often, and he would raise her well. We need to write a will though, because both our mothers would want her, but we in no way want them to have her.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 6, 2011 12:20:48 GMT -5
I would imagine that the decision to take the kids would be made a lot easier if said kids came with money to support them. I have life insurance so DF is taken care of, and if we have children, I will certainly up the coverage to make sure they are taken care of. I think my parents did the same for my sister and me.
I could certainly see that it gets complicated when someone genuinely wants to take the kids in, but quite simply cannot afford to. Love doesn't pay bills.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 6, 2011 12:26:43 GMT -5
I think about my friends who change their will every year or two. When she was pregnant she asked us to be the god-parents. I guess we weren't excited enough about it, because before the baby's first birthday she said she had named someone else. Their relationship with that couple imploded in a pretty weird way, and then the other couple's marriage fell apart. So, she named someone else. Then they moved, and didn't want their kids to have to move back, so they named someone else. And then that friendship fell apart. So, they named her cousin - but the husband didn't feel comfortable, because the cousin is a crazy nut-ball, so they re-wrote their will again. Then, the person they picked died in a car accident. The kid isn't even a teenager yet and has already had 7 potential guardians.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 6, 2011 13:45:57 GMT -5
I will also say that the older my kids get, the more people that tell me "If you die, I'll take your kids." The only person that said that when they were little was my sister. But now that they have grown up enough to see that they are awesome kids, very likeable, people volunteer. I'm afraid I'm going to get bumped off.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 6, 2011 14:49:04 GMT -5
This has been a good reminder for us. DH's best friend is who we asked to be our son's guardian before he was born. I think that I would put my parents in charge of the money, but I like the idea of paying off the house and leaving that to the guardian. My parents will always be a big part of ds life, but I'd rather have a guardian our age, and he would raise ds similarly to how we do.
We need to get it in writing though, and discuss it with our families. I think it will hurt our sister's feelings. We don't pick my sister, because she has struggled with depression for years, and still has 18 cats... SIL because we just don't like her taste in men, and that girl can't be single.
How do you decide how much insurance to have? I think of raising ds as practically free, but a guardian isn't going to have that mindset. If he needed full time daycare, that would be $1200 per month, add food, clothes, co-pays, toys. When day care ends, sports, and camps start up. Would $1500 per month be a baseline, and then add in money for college? Plus the amount of the paid off house, and money for burial, money to pay the person that handles liquidating the estate.... That's $750,000, and I know we're not insured for that much.
Okay, so I need to work on a will and upping our life insurance asap.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jun 6, 2011 17:00:34 GMT -5
This is my second reminder today that DH and I need to do this. We know who we want, we just have not asked them to do it. We are blessed with 4 siblings who would be awesome guardians (and one that wouldn't), but we decided that my brother and his wife are the couple we want to be guardians. Their kids are the youngest and they have the most similar parenting style. It will mean DS will move to a different state, but it is close to my parents and not far from my sister. Most of DH's family lives here near us, but his brothers are bachelors and older (50s). His mom is in her 70s and DH's sister (also 50 and also single) lives across the country. If my brother couldn't do it for some reason, I know my sister would absolutely do it even though she doesn't want to "start over" (her youngest is 7 and DS is 1.5).
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Post by debtheaven on Jun 6, 2011 17:22:54 GMT -5
This is such a toughie, we too need to deal with it. (Or continue to put it off until hopefully it's not an issue anymore LOL.)
When DS3 was little, our first choice was DH's cousins in the UK, and they happily accepted. Now that DS3 is 13, although he loves them, he would not love being uprooted from here and shipped off to the UK.
So it would ideally be some combination of DS3's Gdmother and my three adult kids, who are, alas, just barely adult. The Gdmother is a bit of a fruitcake, but in a good way, and DS and she just adore each other. But I'd never give her control of the money. She would never steal it, she'd just spoil him non-stop, until oops, it ran out, probably right before college.
I actually had this discussion with my DS1 (the sibling DS3 is closest to). When he was done with grad school last year, I asked him, would he take DS3 if Gd forbid anything happened to us. He said, yes, of course I would! But, he's a humanitarian aid worker who lives abroad, in dangerous places. DS2 has one year left of grad school. I honestly believe they would find a way to make things work, logistically.
My family is in the US ... I would trust them, but that would move DS3 too far from the life he knows, and his three siblings. Although I agree with Thyme's comment, we have people here, I would not want to ship him across the pond if we were gone. That's just too far, IMO.
I actually returned our wills to our lawyer last month telling her we certainly need to update them, since when we first did them only DS1 was an adult, and just barely 18. Now my three older kids are 24, 23 and 18.
I'd probably leave the finances to DH's cousin in the UK.
And I'd probably update the will again in two years, when DS3 finishes MS. By then both DS1 and DS2 will be done with grad school and working, and DD would be in college.
There is no easy answer.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2011 17:51:05 GMT -5
I will say that last year one of my former students won the school's highest character award as a senior. Her mother died when she was in 9th grade. Her 21-year-old sister started raising all four of the younger siblings all by herself. They had to work together or go into foster care. So they worked together to go to school like they were supposed to, stay out of trouble, make good grades, etc. It took ALL of them working together, or the house of cards would have fallen apart.
The oldest sister really deserved the award, but she wasn't eligible. But what an awesome family!
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 6, 2011 18:13:44 GMT -5
I have some friends that took in the son of their best friend when she died. Their friend was not married and she never told anybody who the father was. My friends said it was very apparent when they were at the funeral that nobody wanted Jesse, so they asked the family and brought Jesse home. They are now his legal guardians and it appears they are doing quite well with him. Kid definitely had issues and they got him in to therapy.
This is why people do need to have wills. Stuff happens.
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oreo
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Post by oreo on Jun 6, 2011 18:17:19 GMT -5
We haven't done anything about this officially either. My parents would take my son in a heartbeat but they are in their 70s now so they might not be able to keep him until he is 18 (but hopefully they will be around forever!) My in laws would be our 2nd choice but they are in their 60s so they would probably still be around long enough. Otherwise, we are both only children and don't have any super close friends I would feel comfortable asking to take my son. My DH has life insurance but I don't (used to when I was working a regular full-time job but not now). I should buy something but haven't been able to figure out what I really need.
I do have someone lined up to take the dog though. It is much easier to find a home for your dog than for a child.
Thankfully I don't have any drug addicts or alcoholics in the family so I certainly have THAT going for me!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2011 18:27:31 GMT -5
I have someone to take the dog, too, but they know she gets the house. Family joke is why would Abby need a dog house? It is all the dog's house. Heck, both set of kids are offering to dogsit. I know she thinks of them as siblings (and the grandkids as snacks since they are all yummy to lick), but I wonder what they see in her?
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Jun 6, 2011 18:34:19 GMT -5
I would imagine that the decision to take the kids would be made a lot easier if said kids came with money to support them.
What Gowron said.
Now that both kids are in HS our assets would cover those years plus undergraduate degrees. Go back ten years when we first had a will...we didin't have nearly as many assets, nor as clear a plan.
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