Co-Worker Received FB Note in Error

[Plain Old Petunia]

My co-worker is upset this afternoon because her Mom accidentally sent her a note on FaceBook addressed to someone else. In the note, she says she can't stand being around co-workers kids (her own grandkids, 5 and 3) because they don't listen. Further, they live in the same townhouse complex and the mom/grandma complained that the daughter and grandkids come over too often and that they (mom/grandma and husband) would like more privacy.

I say that this was a passive-aggressive way for the mother to tell her daughter what is on her mind. What do you say?

[TheOtherMe]

I think you are very wise.

[thyme4change]

That is pretty upsetting, but maybe your co-worker should try and determine from an objective standpoint if her kids are well behaved, and start putting some limits on herself for seeing Grandma.

[debtheaven]

I'm pretty anal but the other day I sent a private message on FB to DS2 which was meant for DS1, or vice versa. To be honest I can't remember which. When they are traveling I write to them both regularly (on FB, because I know as soon as they have access to a computer, they'll check FB. I write to them privately, not on their walls.)

I didn't write anything upsetting, I just answered the wrong DS. Sometimes one truly does just hit the wrong button.

I agree it doesn't sound great but I'm not willing to condemn this woman for one mistake, one wrong "episode" or "click".

This said, as I always tell my kids when "they doth protest too loudly" ... maybe that comment hit a sore spot?

[qofcc]

Yep, it was no accident. Perhaps the mom had tried to be subtle and daughter wasn't getting it so this was her way of being more direct without actually being direct. When my mom disapproves of something my sister or I is doing and we don't take the hint she calls the other one and asks us to call the other sister and tell her how much what she's doing is upsetting mom. Annoys the hell out of me.

[midjd]

I will say that those things do happen by accident - I once sent an IM bitching about a friend's mother to that friend... awkward

But as the daughter of someone who has pulled a few stunts like that, I'd bet it's not an accident.

And I don't know if you're paraphrasing, but to say you "can't stand" being around your own grandkids... wow. Pretty harsh. If I were the recipient of a note like that, I'm with Tbird... Grandma wouldn't have to worry about us being around too much (or at all) for quite a while.

[Plain Old Petunia]

<< I didn't hear any protesting.....just hurt feelings.....OP? >>

Her feelings are very hurt. She already feels her mom favors co-worker's sister and sister's kid.

Honestly, I've spent time with co-worker's kids (b-day parties, bump into them, we visit a little back and forth). I think they're fairly well behaved. Not perfectly behaved, but not holy terrors either.


<< And I don't know if you're paraphrasing, but to say you "can't stand" being around your own grandkids... wow. Pretty harsh. >>

Co-worker printed the note and showed it to me. It was harsh. Grandma said "can't stand to be around my oldest two grandkids". Co-worker replied to message with "Here's your note back, you sent to the wrong person."

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I once received a letter from an opposing attorney that was meant for his client, outlining the problems in their lawsuit, making snarky comments about the defendant (my client) and defense counsel (that would be me) and discussing options for settlement.

It seems it was sent to me in error, a fact which I didn't really realize until I'd read it and then RE-read it, and realized I wasn't the addressee.

I called him up and explained that I'd received a letter from him that was apparently sent to me in error, and asked if he wanted it mailed back or destroyed.

And then I asked him to give me a call when he was ready to discuss settlement.

[midjd]

May 26, 2011 19:10:06 GMT -5 Plain Old Petunia said:

<< I didn't hear any protesting.....just hurt feelings.....OP? >>

Her feelings are very hurt. She already feels her mom favors co-worker's sister and sister's kid.

Honestly, I've spent time with co-worker's kids (b-day parties, bump into them, we visit a little back and forth). I think they're fairly well behaved. Not perfectly behaved, but not holy terrors either.


<< And I don't know if you're paraphrasing, but to say you "can't stand" being around your own grandkids... wow. Pretty harsh. >>

Co-worker printed the note and showed it to me. It was harsh. Grandma said "can't stand to be around my oldest two grandkids". Co-worker replied to message with "Here's your note back, you sent to the wrong person."

OMG. Unless they're sawing the tails off cats or flinging poo or something, that does sound unreasonably harsh. Those are really cute ages, and like Tbird said, if they don't listen... she's Grandma, she can teach them!

[debtheaven]

This message has been deleted.

[Deleted]

I'd be upset if I were the co-worker. If that's how my Mom really felt about me and my children I'd want her be honest with me about it.

Also, at 3 and 5, a kid would have to be really awful for me to not be able to stand them whether they're related to me or not. Most children those ages are whirlwinds and can be a little unruly. It's up to the adults in their lives to teach them how to act and/or correct their behavior before it's too late. Maybe I'd feel a little differently if the children were older. At 3 and 5yo, I'd prefer my Mom help teach my kids acceptable behavior when they're around her, rather than talk about me and them behind my back.

And I wouldn't want me or my kids to be anywhere we're not wanted, so if we were spending too much time at her house, I'd want her to tell me that too.

I'd be hurt if I were the co-worker. Her Mom needs to talk to her and try to clear the air.

[midjd]

May 26, 2011 20:37:29 GMT -5 @tbird said:

with the info on the sister, and her new baby - (younger than the 3 yo) - likely the "unfavored" daughters kids were good enough until princess popped one.......I've read too many things about children being crushed by grandparents favoring others (usually from the kid they favored)

Yes, DH and I are seeing this in his family... his cousin married a girl with 3 kids, legally adopted them, and they had another kid. They've been married almost 3 years, but DH's aunt still refers to the grandchildren as "my grandbaby" and "Sue's kids". It makes my blood boil.

At DSIL's high school graduation, a relative from out-of-state asked DH's aunt if she had any granddaughters. She said, "Yeah, Bob and Sue just had my first one!" One of the older girls was standing behind her when she said it, and the poor kid was CRUSHED. It was awful. MIL always corrects her (pretty rudely, sometimes - go MIL!) when she says that crap, but it's not like you can un-hear it, especially as a child. Even if someone isn't as oblivious or cruel as DH's aunt, kids are very perceptive. I wouldn't want mine around someone - not just someone, a grandparent! - who felt such negative emotions about them.

[happyscooter]

Remember when we had the 'worst Christmas gift' thread on MSN money and posters would write about the way their kids were treated because they were step-grandkids.

[happyscooter]

FIL didn't want his son's stepchildren listed in MIL's obit. BIL had been married to SIL for over 15 years and thought of those kids as his, even if they were older.

[cronewitch]

My aunt only claims children born to her kids as grandkids. She tells mom she shouldn't count grandkids that weren't born to my brothers too. Mom counts the one's my brother adopted and their kids as grand and great grands and when the adoption a granddaughter is doing is final those will be great grands too. I told one last fall that I was her aunt and not only that but I was her favorite aunt. She is a sweet girl and the little boy is cute they will be fine additions to the family.

My aunt has her son on the same property with two teens he has had since they were toddlers, he married their mother. They have a father so he didn't adopt them but they think of her as grandma and mom as aunt. Another son married a women with two kids but he didn't father any. The daughter gave birth to two kids and one son fathered one kid so she says she has 3 grand kids. The daughter has step kids that don't count either.

Kids are kids and if they are in the family they are family no matter who was there when they were conceived. One of my favorite nieces was conceived to my brother's wife when he wasn't home but nobody would ever tell her that.

[daisylu]

May 26, 2011 21:22:04 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

Remember when we had the 'worst Christmas gift' thread on MSN money and posters would write about the way their kids were treated because they were step-grandkids.

I remember how grateful I was that DH's parents love my kids. At 36yo and 32yo, we have no plans to have another and they encourage that decision so I will never have to worry about this type of situation.

I think the daughter did the right thing in confronting the mom about it. The best thing she can do now is just to keep her distance. I could understand the mom/daughter thing, but it is unforgivable to bring the kids into it.

[zibazinski]

I can remember my Grandma being upset that she had to change her will because before the law changed, you had to specifically include adopted children/grandchildren. Then after you had to specifically exclude them. She didn't want my adopted cousins to inherit anything. I remember being rather shocked about that because Grandma was so nice but she was the "blood is thicker than water" kinda gal. Thats what my mom said anyway. I thought it was just plain mean and then when she did die, she left money to only ONE grandchild anyway!!!!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Wow, I would have been typing a reponse back saying "That's all right, we don't have to visit anymore" and then follow thru.


Sounds like shit DH's family does to each other.

So glad to be a part of my family. DH thinks it's weird that we'll get in screaming matches on the lawn. No it might not be healthy but at least we all know where we stand with each other and sort it out in person! We don't politely sit on it and then talk about each other behind our backs.

If you want more private time then say so. What a mean way to go about it.

[zibazinski]

Although, quit dumping your kids on grandma. She raised hers. I have never figured out why parents think its okay to do this. No wonder granny moves to florida!!!

[Anne_in_VA]

I would have been going over there and telling the grandmother that she wouldn't be seeing us anymore or until her attitude changed.

I was very fortunate when I met EH and I already had a child from my first marriage. Former MIL and FIL accepted my son as their own and when XH adopted him, they always referred to him as their grandchild.

DH's daughter is now with a man who had two children with his XW and I hope that I treat them as my grandchildren along with the two she already has. I do try to treat all the grands fairly and really try not to play favorites.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Is she dumping them on them though? Or is she visiting thinking they want to see the grandkids that often, but mom is being passive aggressive?

My parents live right across the street and I go over with DD just about every weekend, my parents love it. I do not use them as free babysitters unless asked WAY in advance, they offer or I don't have a choice (like if daycare wants me to come get her and I can't, so far that hasn't happened ::Knock on wood:.

My MIL on the other hand will babysit DD every chance she gets and would probably love us to come down every DAY, but I can't handle visiting with my in-laws that much.

DH's family is the type that will NEVER address a problem with you, they will just gossip things behind your back. Took me a long time to break DH of the habit because it is maddening to figure out something you have been doing all this time is a huge problem and you never knew it.

So for all we know we could be bringing DD down thinking MIL wants us to visit, but she really doesn't but will take that to her grave. It's really maddening sometimes to deal with his family.

I still think it's a rotten way to address a problem and very hurtful.

My parents have made it clear to me that they are done raising children but they didn't do it in such a nasty passive aggressive manner, we laid down the ground rules when I got pregnant. They didn't wait till the kid is 3 and then sent me a very nasty "accidental" facebook posting.

[zibazinski]

That IS the best way. I always wondered if the adopted grandchildren ever felt slighted. Not exactly something you can ask them. I was the first and my male cousin was the second and our doo-doos didn't stink according to my grandparents. But there are 8 grandchilddren not just 2.

[Deleted]

For me it would depend on how the mother reacted when she found out the daughter got the note. I've been known to vent with a trusted friend and exaggerate my negative feelings. Especially if I'm having a bad day. If the mother apologises and says she was just having a bad day I would be inclined to let it go. I'd never talk to anyone, or them to me, if every stupid comment became a banishing offense.