Cancel a trip with friends, how to do it?

[schildi]

Okay, so we go camping with another couple once a year (we meet more often than that though :-)), and since State Park campgrounds are booked out early, we book the trip in January. Now this year, we got into racing these go carts with the older son, and there is a race like once a month, and one of course falling exactly on that weekend in August. How would you tell them that you want to cancel the trip? I think they / we can get most of the money back, just not the deposit ($8 or so, not a big deal).
How would you say it?

[mtshastawriter]

I would go on the trip. Why do adults let children's activities run their lives?

[schildi]

Yep, I'd agree mtshastawriter!

[happyscooter]

Especially if the trip is once a year but the race is held every month.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Will the other couple find out the reason you want to cancel? Nobody can make this choice for you, but understand that nobody likes those "bigger better deal" types. You are making a statement that you would rather go racing than camping. While that is your choice, others feelings hang in the balance.

Especially since there are monthly races but yearly trips. If those campgrounds book out so far in advance, its not like this other couple can just go the next weekend.

Keep the camping trip, go racing next month.

[happyscooter]

Years ago we had booked a camping trip for vacation. Cheap, that's why we planned it. We had some friends who begged us to stay at another place and go with them. That place was more expensive, but we decided to go ahead. It was only once a year, so we bit the bullet. Then about a month before we were supposed to go, the wife called and said they probably weren't going to be able to go. Camping spaces were gone, even if we could have gotten a space, we couldn't have gotten our deposit back from the expensive place. I politely told her that we had changed our plans because of them. She got the message. We all ended up at the expensive place.

You would have thought I learned my lesson but I didn't. Another story for another day.

[azphx1972]

Nobody likes flakes, and if I were your friend I would hesitate to book another future event with you if you pulled that stunt on me. Just sayin'.

[zibazinski]

Don't cancel that trip.

[Deleted]

If you still like your friends I think the break for camping would be good for both you and the kids unless it's some kind of final championship.

I don't like (or keep) flaky friends.

Alternatively you don't really want to spend the time with your friends, then give them the heads up now so they can find other folks to take your spot.

[schildi]

Thanks everybody!
I have actually turned around the story a little bit.
It was our friends who cancelled the trip on us. She told my wife yesterday, over the phone, kind of as a side note. Like, "btw, we have to cancel that trip on you. There is another race that weekend."
My wife's reaction was pretty much the same as most here had predicted: she said that next year we probably won't plan on a trip with them. I think the reason is very weak, and the way they told us stinks even more. I would at least have tried to be a little nice about it, even though I would have never cancelled in the first place.
Anyway, thanks for all the replies, I kind of needed to confirm that I am not completely off by thinking that this was not exactly very nice ....
We won't cancel the trip, I don't care about the money part much. We will just go alone, the kids have really been looking forward to this trip.

[azphx1972]

You tricked us! Send them the link to this thread. ;D

[schildi]

May 21, 2011 11:25:07 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Schildi...

I am so hurt you lied to me.....don't know if I will ever truly trust your posts again....<sniff!>

Yeah, you do have a point.
Now what we really need to figure out is how we'll tell the kids. They are talking about this trip once a day at least since months. They'll be disappointed. We are looking at possibly going with other friends, hopefully it will work out.

[midjd]

That is awful! I think it is telling that EVERYONE who replied said that you shouldn't cancel the trip. A pretty crummy thing to do to your friends, especially the way they did it. I'd at least offer to reimburse you for the $ you were out.

(And since when does everyone on a YM thread agree on something? Maybe it is the end of the world!)

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I don't like (or keep) flaky friends.":::...

I would bet money that the next time the friends try to plan something with OP, OP will cautiously decline, and the friends will sense the negativity and take some kind of righteous "geez, sorry for living" attitude.

...:::"over the phone, kind of as a side note. Like, "btw, we have to cancel that trip on you. There is another race that weekend":::...

Yeah, this shows that the race is more important than the trip. Perhaps they were hoping you'd have to cancel too and it would all work out. It sometimes does. But they probably see nothing wrong with their choice, seeing as it was popped with no sense of remorse, so that tells you how they view your time.

[gsbrq]

May 21, 2011 11:17:31 GMT -5 schildi said:

Thanks everybody!
I have actually turned around the story a little bit.

Oooh, you're sneaky!

[Deleted]

Well, at least they told him now and not 10 days before the trip. 2 years ago I planned my "Farewell to AZ rim to rim Grand Canyon hike" Both of the two hiking buddies flaked. I knew in my one friend's case he might need to because he's getting up there. But my one "friend" IS a flake. But I said "To hell with them I'm going by myself". DH wasn't happy as it was a 4 to 5 day trip with me camping alone part of the time. Oh and I had sprained my ankle two weeks before .

Honestly I had a great time. And I didn't need to hear about my "friend" talking about herself all the time, LOL.

[thyme4change]

Well - I didn't get the chance, but I was going to be okay with you cancelling. I would have tried to re-arrange, because I think I can have it all and do it all and be everywhere - if only I plan carefully enough.

But, yes, the chances that a race would be on the weekend you planned sounds about 25%.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 25, 2011 10:33:18 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Well - I didn't get the chance, but I was going to be okay with you cancelling. I would have tried to re-arrange, because I think I can have it all and do it all and be everywhere - if only I plan carefully enough.

But, yes, the chances that a race would be on the weekend you planned sounds about 25%.

I don't know what I do but I hope I'd do it with grace and class and sincere regrets if we ever decided to cancel after reservations were made. We do a camping trip with 3-6 other families once a year and we've opted out the last 3 but we did that shortly after hearing the dates for the trips so it was known from early on that we weren't going to be there. We're excited to be going this year and nervous about going with the kids.

[Firebird]

schildi, you're sneaky! Are you sure you didn't just flip it AFTER you didn't get the response you were hoping to get? ;D

[Plain Old Petunia]

<< I have actually turned around the story a little bit. >>

Why, you little stinker! That was a crummy way for them to treat you. I was going to write (before I knew you were a stinker) that you should offer to pay for the camp site rental so that they could still go and enjoy themselves. I think they should have offered to pay at the very least.

I had a joint vacation rental cancelled at the last minute once, but it was for an understandable reason (family member had heart attack, condition was unstable). I would not plan anymore trips with the go kart racers.

[TrixAre4Kids]

Regard it as an opportunity to look around and find some other friends to invite camping.

Screw the party poopers! I know how hard those camping reservations are to get!

[thyme4change]

I would go to the races with them. That would be cool!

Of course - camping to me is no vacation. People use to live outside and poop in the woods, and they flocked to shelter and indoor plumbing when it became available. I'm sticking with their assessment of what is fun and what is comfortable.

[Urban Chicago]

Etiquette Mavens will give you the following list as acceptable reasons for not coming to something you said you would attend:

Illness

Competing and much more important social obligation (like your sister decides to elope on the same weekend you normally have a bowling game)

Deployment as a member of the armed services

Work-related emergency

Acts of God (like a blizzard making it totally impossible to get to your destination)


Note that this list does not include getting a better offer, your kid doesn't want to go, etc...

[haapai]

Schildi, I like your little trick. It reminds me of how my parents used to ask questions when they wanted an honest answer more than they wanted sympathy. FWIW, my parents lived most of my childhood overseas.

I think it should be used more often.

[schildi]

Yes, I did that in hopes of getting more honest answers. People tend to jump on posters and criticize them whatever was posted, especially online. Maybe to let steam out? I am very sure the replies would have been different in a few cases if I would not have turned the story around.
I'd btw never break my word unless it was absolutely necessary, and then I'd handle it differently. I was raised to view that as very very low.

[haapai]

I grew up believing that twists like that were common and acceptable as well as extremely useful. I still think that they are useful. I'm not seeing them used as often, though. It has also come to my attention that many people find them discomforting and distasteful. IMHO, the farther down the ladder someone is, the more they will be offended by this mechanism of encouraging a more honest reply.

I wonder now if this is a common expat/immigrant trick or a European, specifically German, thing. My father's parents hail from Germany and Scandinavia and my mother spent a few years in Germany during the occupation.

I don't know where or when they picked up this trick but it certainly is useful when you are uncertain what the answer will be or fear a soothing but less than entirely candid reply.