Should I have this conversation with my dad?

[Mrs. Dinero]

My parents have been retired since 1999. My dad retired from RR and receives a decent pension I imagine after working 35 years for them. The house is paid. There is no debt.

Over the years I have observed a few things. 1. They haven't traveled 2. They are pained by making major purchases (new big TV and car - pay in cash). 3. They still budget like they have a tight budget.

My dad has said in the past that we will receive a sizable inheritance. I immediately told him it's his money and he should be spending it.

It all dawned on me that they are living off of his pension/SS and leaving their investments to grow for us. I hate this. He should buy the big TV downstairs(that mom says he'll never watch). He should buy the biggest baddest grill. They should travel or buy a cabin for all of us to enjoy together.

Should I tell him what I think he should do with his money? Doesn't seem right but either does them living like they do. Thoughts?

[mawmawandlovingit]

My DH's parents are just the same way. They have no debt and probably over a million in savings. MIL made a comment the other day that she had to wait till "payday" to go buy toilet paper . When I told DH this, he just shrugged and said that they were trying to save as much for their kids to have when they pass.

Now, my parents on the other hand......I'm hoping that they have enough left over to support themselves. They travel and spend like there is no tomorrow!!

[whoisjohngalt]

You can tell him if you want, but some people don't know how to start spending after years and years of not spending.

Lena

[Mrs. Dinero]

He's 70. He received no inheritance and I think it's important for him to leave us with something. I have a different mindset. You earn it you spend it. I do not plan on leaving money to my kids. If anything I will buy them things and pay for their children's schooling but I will not go without for them to buy the boat/cabin I've always wanted.

So if you were 70 and worked hard all your life and saved for your family would you want one of your daughters to say how they felt or just shut up and accept the gift.

[Deleted]

If they're happy, leave them alone. My parents live in a paid-for house in a LCOL area and, because their needs are modest and they have SS and income from a decent investment portfolio, I wouldn't be surprised if they had positive cash flow in most months. Their main extravagance is that they always buy new cars- probably one every 4 years. They have no desire to go to Europe or buy an RV. I'm just happy they've cut back a bit on long-distance driving and are flying for the really long trips.

First, your parents may need the money for long-term care. Good long-term care, in a retirement community with lots of activities and good meals and places where they can walk/swim are not cheap.

And if they do leave you money, so what? It doesn't sound as if they feel deprived right now.

[Deleted]

If, in conversation, they are deciding about a purchase you can encourage them to make it, but I would not go out of my way to tell them how they should spend their money.

[Mrs. Dinero]

Good point Athena! Hopefully they will go through their savings because they'll live well over 100. I hope so. I love my parents and am terrified of losing them.

[Gardening Grandma]

Other than encouraging them to enjoy what they have, I'd leave it alone. Sounds like knowing that they will leave their kids an inheritance gives them more satisfaction than consumer spending. I can relate to that.

[Mrs. Dinero]

Thanks gg. I guess I just needed to hear that.

[illinicheme]

Some people are just like that. My parents have $6 million in investments (and a pension that provides 40% of my dad's previous income), but they've started buying scratchy Great Value brand tissue instead of Kleenex brand since my dad retired approximately 1 year ago. It's insanity and I've told them so.

They're enjoying themselves by fixing up some stuff around the house and traveling quite a bit (mostly in a fifth-wheel RV they bought ~6 years ago), but they're still being very frugal. Granted, they're still young (60/62), but they have plenty to live a little. I've joked with them a bit, and tried to convince them that moving to wine country would be pretty awesome, but it's starting to look like one of my dad's goals is to leave behind a large inheritance. I've decided to lay off the hinting for the time being. They're not going to change their habits, and I'm just going to annoy the both of us.

[moneymaven]

I second Athena and Archie. They've earned the right to live how they want, even if you don't agree.

[jarhead1976]

May 20, 2011 12:18:11 GMT -5 Mrs. Dinero said:

My parents have been retired since 1999. My dad retired from RR and receives a decent pension I imagine after working 35 years for them. The house is paid. There is no debt.

Over the years I have observed a few things. 1. They haven't traveled 2. They are pained by making major purchases (new big TV and car - pay in cash). 3. They still budget like they have a tight budget.

My dad has said in the past that we will receive a sizable inheritance. I immediately told him it's his money and he should be spending it.

It all dawned on me that they are living off of his pension/SS and leaving their investments to grow for us. I hate this. He should buy the big TV downstairs(that mom says he'll never watch). He should buy the biggest baddest grill. They should travel or buy a cabin for all of us to enjoy together.

Should I tell him what I think he should do with his money? Doesn't seem right but either does them living like they do. Thoughts?

Its amazing what parents will sacrifice for their children. True story. I was living next to an old women, I would keep an eye on her because I knew she was starving herself to help her kids. I would leave a $20 on her steering wheel once in a while and some grocery's on her porch. She knew it was me and would always thank me. One Christmas my daughter and I were taking her some food and chocolate for Christmas. I shit you not, she was frozen solid and thin as a rail. She had starved herself to support her children. I was not pleased and they (her children) were more than capable of taking care of themselves. I told them so and never have spoken to them since. I guess my point is as long as they are not going without the basics, let them give the love they have to you and your family, In the manner they prefer..... Respects.

[Bluerobin]

Mrs Dinero: My mom was the same way. She lived on less than her meager SS and smaller pension. She did not trust us with all her financial details. Later in life, she finally made a will, and I was the executor, etc. I was also on all the accounts, had her taxes done, etc. I ended up knowing most of her finances.
I kept having the you could live so much better argument with her. I kept telling her that neither Bro nor I needed an inheritance.
She kept her nest egg all her life, for when she got old. When she was on her death bed, I told her no matter how much the treatments cost, she had it covered. She smiled and I understood.
She lived the way she chose. When she passed, all her bills were paid and her sons got a nice gift.

[kent]

May 20, 2011 12:30:31 GMT -5 Mrs. Dinero said:

He's 70. He received no inheritance and I think it's important for him to leave us with something. I have a different mindset. You earn it you spend it. I do not plan on leaving money to my kids. If anything I will buy them things and pay for their children's schooling but I will not go without for them to buy the boat/cabin I've always wanted.

So if you were 70 and worked hard all your life and saved for your family would you want one of your daughters to say how they felt or just shut up and accept the gift.

Aha! Finally something I know a little bit about. I had to have a talk with my Dad many years before he passed away. He lived like a hermit (think Howard Hughes - maybe because he was a pilot himself?). Anyway, I approached the subject several times to no avail. One day I just flat out asked him if he was trying to end up the richest guy in the graveyard and that struck a cord with him.

He didn't spend all his money but he did make some changes after I told him that and the fact that it was his money and he should enjoy it. It took some effort but I think he finally accepted the fact that I had been relatively successful on my own and didn't need or want his money.

FYI, I will be 70 in a few months (although you'd never know it looking at me ) and I can see why he wants to leave money on the table when he goes. To that end, I have drawn very little out of my IRA account for "probably" the same reason. I say "probably" because I'm not positive that's the entire reason. It could be that I don't want to run out of money before I run out of breath.

So, in my opinion, I'd try talking to him a few times to get a "feel" for where he's really coming from.

Just my two cents.

[nalto]

This is a FANTASTIC problem to have. I'd much rather worry that my folks aren't spending enough than worrying that they won't be able to eat next week.

[Urban Chicago]

Just a thought, my Mom often does stuff like this, saying she doesn't want to spend "my" money. I tell her I don't want her money, go enjoy yourself while you can, and she ends up buying nothing but clothes and toys for my kids, who already have wayyyy too much.

I really do appreciate her generosity, and she's such a packrat she really doesn't need anything. What else would she spend her money on?

She could travel more, and probably will this Summer. Do your parents even like to travel? Some people are just homebodies.

[pig]

Should I tell him what I think he should do with his money? Doesn't seem right but either does them living like they do. Thoughts?

You can tell him but it sounds like it's something he really wants to do and is proud of being able to do so he's not likely to listen to you anyway.

[alabamagal]

Mrs. Dinero, I wouldn't have the talk, but would encourage them to go have some fun (and spend some of their money). It will probably not have any impact. I have known several people like this, and after 70 years it can be hard for them to actually spend their money. Its just a matter of not wanting to change. My parents are the same way. My mom drives a 92 Honda that she inherited from her mom. She will say, well i looked at new cars and there is really not anything that I like, I still like the Honda. I don't think that she is specifically saving for an inheritance, it is just that she doesn't want to spend the money. Not really the same as starving yourself, she just doesn't enjoy spending money. She was also saying that my dad (he is 71) really wants to go to the Daytona 500, and they could go in their camper for the week, but it would cost them $500 (not sure if this is the correct amount). They should just GO. Maybe they will next year.

[jitterbug]

Maybe it's that they're not sure how much they can spend and still have enough to feel comfortable 20 years from now? I know that's how I am...I have a very tidy nest egg ($1+million) and hubby and I are asking ourselves how much do we need to retire early - but you never know what curve ball life can throw you and I would sure hate to have spent all my nest egg on big screen TVs and trips and later be just scraping by. For me, I have to BUDGET the fun stuff, so I feel comfortable spending that money. So maybe your parents need to figue out how much they can afford for fun money and that would make it easier to actually spend it.

I know there's a happy medium - but most people tend to live on one side of that fence or the other.

[phil5185]

Have you seen the TV commercial where the retiree says "c'mon, a vineyard??"

I'm 72, been retired for 12 yrs. It seems like every young financial planner thinks that we want to buy a Lighthouse and start a B&B - or a vineyard - or go on a Cruise - or travel to Europe.

Flash: Made over 300 business trips, been in most airports/cities across the US & beyond. Having to get on a Plane and go to the EU isn't on my 'fun' list. Nor is running a breakfast motel in the howling wind near an ocean. Nor is spending days on the ocean on a ship where the highlites are 5 meals a day and shuffleboard.

I'm guessing that your millionaire relatives are already doing exactly what they want to do - the only disconnect is that their 'fun' isn't the same as the 30 to 40 yr-old's list.

[Angel!]

May 20, 2011 12:18:11 GMT -5 Mrs. Dinero said:

He should buy the big TV downstairs(that mom says he'll never watch). He should buy the biggest baddest grill. They should travel or buy a cabin for all of us to enjoy together.

Maybe you should buy some of this stuff for them. Buy him a nice tv or grill. Some people just have trouble spending money on themselves & you telling him to spend the money probably won't change anything. But, I bet he would enjoy the stuff if it was recieved as gifts. Then when you recieve your inheritance someday you can feel good knowing that they still got to enjoy some nice things in their retirement.

[debtheaven]

Karma to Angel, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe not for the cabin LOL but the grill or the TV.

Mrs Dinero do you have any siblings you could split a great birthday or Father's Day or Christmas gift with?

I certainly wouldn't harp on it, but I don't see why you couldn't mention something to them about it, in a light-hearted way.

They should travel or buy a cabin for all of us to enjoy together.

Do your parents know that this is something you would love to do with them? Maybe your dad is tempted but worried about upkeep, maintenance, etc, or worried that you and your family wouldn't go. I would certainly bring it up, you seem really close to them. If finances permit, perhaps it could be a joint project: either a family trip, or a family cabin?

Our kids are just flying the nest. Believe me if they ever mentioned something like that once they are financially independent and we could afford it, we would totally jump on it.

But you'll never know until you bring it up ...

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 20, 2011 14:50:17 GMT -5 Angel! said:

May 20, 2011 12:18:11 GMT -5 Mrs. Dinero said:

He should buy the big TV downstairs(that mom says he'll never watch). He should buy the biggest baddest grill. They should travel or buy a cabin for all of us to enjoy together.

Maybe you should buy some of this stuff for them. Buy him a nice tv or grill. Some people just have trouble spending money on themselves & you telling him to spend the money probably won't change anything. But, I bet he would enjoy the stuff if it was recieved as gifts. Then when you recieve your inheritance someday you can feel good knowing that they still got to enjoy some nice things in their retirement.

We do this for my parents. Dad's getting a fire pit for the backyard as his Father's Day/b-day present. Mom got a new watch for Mother's Day.

And I second the doing stuff with them. My older sister has taken to "See the US trips" with her DH, their teenage girls and our parents. My parents get to see parts of the country they've either never seen or haven't seen in 50+ years and my sister and her girls get the memory of seeing them with Grandma and Grandpa. We're planning a 3 night stay at a resort in August. We booked a cabin with 3 bedrooms and both my parents and DH's parents are coming with us. We have land about 15 miles from the resort and my parents haven't seen it yet (we camped on it last year with the ILs) Everyone is looking forward to it. Depending on how it goes, we'll start finding out if they all want to join us in Disney next fall.

[azphx1972]

Can I trade parents for yours? ;D

My parents are retirement spendthrifts and spending my inheritance!

[Deleted]

"they are living off of his pension/SS"

If he's collecting Railroad Retirement (RR?) he's probably not collecting SS. At least when I was working for a Railroad one didn't pay SS. Depending on his job he may also be collecting an officer's pension. Also your mother could be collecting SS if she worked outside the home.

If this was his first year in retirement I can understand being conservative. Until one lives the new lifestyle one doesn't know really how much it's going to cost...or what you forgot to budget!

You can encourage folks to spend money on themselves but don't expect them to change. I rather like Kent's story about asking his dad if he wanted to be the richest guy in the graveyard, lol. I've taken to saying "you don't win by dying with the biggest pile of money".

I like the idea of buying your dad a new grill. I wouldn't encourage the buying of a cabin though until you've done A LOT of research. To not go off on a tagent her You (or anyone else) can PM me about the pros and cons of cabin/vacation ownership.

But one of the smartest things DH and I did with his parents (they divorced some 45 years ago) was to take them on some trips. A trip to Carmel, California stands out in my mind for his dad. We took his mom on a trip to Hungary and Vienna. I also joined my mom on some very cool outdoor adventure trips to Alaska, Western Ireland and the Wind River Mountains in Wyoming. DH's mother is still living but both DH's dad and my mom passed away. You never have the chance to give the gift of time again.

[TheOtherMe]

My parents are 87 and have been like this since they retired. Don't know exactly how much money they have, but they are quite upset every year when they have to take the RMD from their IRAs. They always pay cash for everything. Last summer, they had vinyl siding put on the house and it looks fantastic. We were so pleased that they finally did something for themselves.

The house needs a few things done for it or we are going to have problems selling it. We have told them we do not expect an inheritance. We want them to enjoy the money as we have seen others in our large extended family outlive their assets and the money ends up going to a nursing home.

At this age, they shouldn't need another car. Even my mom says the day is nearing when they won't be able to drive.

[Deleted]

I won't get into my situation with my Mom. I'll just say it's completely different from the OP's.

I agree that the OP's parents should do whatever they want (or not) with their money. However, if it were my parents I wouldn't want them going without things they'd enjoy just because they want to leave ME some money. I understand being conservative for their own sakes, beyond that, I'd rather not be a factor when they're deciding what they can afford.

[qofcc]

My inlaws have a comfortable retirement from very frugal living (he was a mechanic and she was a SAHW) plus a little inheritance of family money. Other than new cars every 5 years, they very rarely splurge and they really can afford the small splurges. I've noticed that they have been loosening up the past few years. We offered to buy them a new kitchen table a few years ago for Christmas because the old one was one of those 1950's metal & vinyl things and it had gone beyond retro to just worn out. I mentioned this in September and come Thanksgiving there was a new table & chairs to seat everyone for the holidays. They went out & bought it because they didn't want the kids spending money on them. Now we're trying to get them to splurge a bit on travel. MIL mentioned at a funeral about a place (inside the continental USA) she'd like to have her ashes scattered because she's never been able to travel there and someone pointed out that she's not quite 70 and in good health, no reason she shouldn't plan a vacation and go there, so I went on some travel websites and had a bunch of brochures sent to their house.

[cronewitch]

May 20, 2011 12:35:37 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

Other than encouraging them to enjoy what they have, I'd leave it alone. Sounds like knowing that they will leave their kids an inheritance gives them more satisfaction than consumer spending. I can relate to that.

I agree we all decide what we want. I like to save and think how big my balances could get, it is fun. I don't have big wants and only spend if I really want things.

My brother's wife is retiring and she is using a financial adviser. She told one here is what I have get me enough to retire from this. The first one tried to sell her annuities that you had the entire balance left after 30 years. She said she didn't want money left. He tried to tell her she should leave money for her kids, she said they make their own money. He tried to convince her she needed to leave money for grand kids and she didn't want to either. He didn't seem to sell other investments so she when to my brother's adviser.

When she dies in 30 year the kids will be around 70 and grand kids about 45. She will be 90 and broke if things work out

[cronewitch]

Mom told me last week she wishes she was rich. She is 84 with more income than expenses and a few hundred thousand. She is financing the campsite my brother is buying. She disconnects the piles of money in her mind. The money in checking is her money to spend, money in CD's or investments now isn't in her mind as spending money so she feels broke. Last year she told me she wasn't renewing a CD so she could have more money. Even with only 2-400K in assets besides contracts she holds most people her age would feel rich, she feels poor if checking balance is low. She decided last year she can spend principal but not she really will.

We buy her really nice gifts so she will have the nice things she might be too cheap to buy. She has computer, monitor, home theater and LCD tv all gotten as gifts. She doesn't use the home theater but you don't know until you buy it for her. She swore her old TV was fine but likes the LCD and she doesn't know how to shop for computers, she was using a small monitor that was heavy but just fine now 22in nice one.

She counts her money in how many years of assisted living she could afford if she needed it, last time she told me it was 12 years so until she is 96. her mom needed it until 99 so she doesn't have enough money.