azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 22, 2024 22:31:29 GMT -5
Bonus teen was finally back at school today. This after not hearing a single update. DD didn't want to pry so no details. DD did sneak out wearing a crop top which we don't allow. Her excuse was that it was theater dress switch day where the actors dressed as specific tech crew members and vice versa. Anyway, bonus teen snagged DDs phone at lunch and texted DH to tattle. We're just happy she's back and spunky as ever!
Show weekend. Saw dress rehearsal and DD rocked esp her Irish accent. Overheard another teacher at rehearsal going gaga over DDs performance and floored that she's only soph. Found out later this was a teacher from another local key theater program so kinda exciting.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 22, 2024 23:14:16 GMT -5
DD shared more with DH before I got home. Bonus teen spent 2-3 yrs in foster care at some point when mom was in jail. Good grief! She shared with DD that half the mental health hospital ward this trip was full of foster care teens that don't have any placement families. That hurts my heart.
For a while now, I've wondered if we could help some teens when our DDs are grown. Put my high salary to good use. DH wouldn't have made it out of his family's poverty without some key folks stepping up to help him in his teen years.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 23, 2024 8:37:01 GMT -5
Big hugs to bonus teen! And congrats to your dd on the show!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 23, 2024 10:52:12 GMT -5
Could DS go and hang out with his aunt and uncle without you? He could, but they're at work all day, he'd be bored. And they certainly won't take him parasailing and swimming with the manatees, lol.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 23, 2024 12:15:45 GMT -5
DD shared more with DH before I got home. Bonus teen spent 2-3 yrs in foster care at some point when mom was in jail. Good grief! She shared with DD that half the mental health hospital ward this trip was full of foster care teens that don't have any placement families. That hurts my heart. For a while now, I've wondered if we could help some teens when our DDs are grown. Put my high salary to good use. DH wouldn't have made it out of his family's poverty without some key folks stepping up to help him in his teen years. Would it be possible to get bonus teen as a foster child at your house now. Mom obviously isn't caring for her? I see here that there are not enough foster families. Also that fostering is hard. The other thing is when the kids age out of the foster system, they are not ready financially or emotionally to be on their own.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 23, 2024 12:34:19 GMT -5
DD shared more with DH before I got home. Bonus teen spent 2-3 yrs in foster care at some point when mom was in jail. Good grief! She shared with DD that half the mental health hospital ward this trip was full of foster care teens that don't have any placement families. That hurts my heart. For a while now, I've wondered if we could help some teens when our DDs are grown. Put my high salary to good use. DH wouldn't have made it out of his family's poverty without some key folks stepping up to help him in his teen years. Would it be possible to get bonus teen as a foster child at your house now. Mom obviously isn't caring for her? I see here that there are not enough foster families. Also that fostering is hard. The other thing is when the kids age out of the foster system, they are not ready financially or emotionally to be on their own. The thought has occurred to me, but I just don't know. Thinking and praying on it. DH is pretty in sync with me on this. Wish things were generally more solid between us as that's an added wrinkle. I have no idea where mom is coming from as I've never even met her. And I don't have the bandwidth for a legal fight. I asked DD about the cell phone this morning and she's says it's broken. Like doesn't work at all, not just unpaid bill. Planning to talk to DH tonight about what we might do to get her a phone so she can stay connected to her friends and school. Her understudy is taking the part in the show which is the right move and teen seems to be okay with that. I asked DD about teen staying over this weekend to see show and/or help with catching up on hw. I also said to tell teen that I'm prepared to go mama bear at the school to make sure she gets the time and help that she needs to get back on track. Plans are unclear and now I know that teen can't just text mom and ask. Messy! I think I mentioned on here that we were pretty involved with DDs senior friend last year including helping them get to first college visit in March of senior year bc parents weren't doing anything. Lots of hw help and study time with them thru the year. Was willing to stay involved esp as they ended up going to local college. Within a month of starting college this past fall, friend was sending DD drunk videos and bragging about smoking pot and trying other drugs. DD pushed back on that not being her scene and got ghosted. Likely for the best as that teen was pretty edgy and I've since found out was involved in some weird online stuff too. Anyway, have already been thinking ahead about staying in bonus teen's life through young adulthood. She's interested in college visits and has been talking about becoming a teacher. Before the current issues, she'd already invited herself to our family Easter party and confirmed yesterday with DD that she's still invited. Needing to see her in person, give her a big hug and tell her that I'm hear to listen when/if she's ready and to speak up with how we can help. Half hoping that happens tonight as I'm slated to drive a van of teens to pre-show dinner but I don't know and don't want to bug DD. Also not texting theater teacher on a show day LOL! Appreciate the support and conversation here so, so much.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 23, 2024 12:36:31 GMT -5
Less weighty post...
Saw DD11s math teacher yesterday and she said, boy has DD been bragging on you! And I was like whoa, what for? They've been doing beginning probability and are now analyzing data and yesterday started using a spreadsheet and DD was all like this is what my mom does for work and she's really good at it.
Meanwhile the math hw scene at home still mostly consists of this is so hard, takes so long, and you're teaching me wrong.
Gotta love tweens!
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 23, 2024 17:12:08 GMT -5
Hooray! Bonus teen was part of my van load to pre-show dinner. She looks good. Pulled her off to side with DD and offered to get prepaid phone for the time being and then figure it out going fwd. She welled up. Didn't hug her in public in front of the teens but did squeeze her shoulder.
She's trying to get permission to stay over tonight and/or tomorrow. DH is out getting phone right now so she will have it tonight.
DD referenced showing her my mama bear text and she welled up again. Then DD tattled that teen isn't eating bc of new meds. I gave her debit card and said she needed to get at least a bagel, before i mama beared her directly.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 24, 2024 5:11:34 GMT -5
I am struck by how important the gift of your support is to this fragile teen, azucena. Reintegrating after a time in the hospital is very hard. For one who has no place to turn, it can be disastrous. Just being there (and I know you do much more) is huge. On behalf of bonus teen, I thank you.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 28, 2024 18:39:29 GMT -5
Not much news on bonus teen. She seems to have pulled back from the theater group some. I'm waiting on teacher to cue me in as needed. It had to be overwhelming to com3 back to school mid last week.
Just got back from target with DD11 where we bought bras a step up from training sizes. She's convinced big sis hand me down bras are ick. Dd15 flew thru the first few sizes so they really are okay. With all dd11s sensitivities, I'm letting it slide and will just donate them.
New underwear that are prob too big but they are silky so she insisted. Two swimsuits (she actually insisted on one pieces) and cover up shorts. She would have loved to shop for more clothes but we were on a schedule and also saving money for outlet shopping on spring break.
Three brands of the smallest pads we could find withOUT wings as she hates them. She hasn't started yet but any day now. Candy scented native deodorant lol.
An eye shadow stick (to help her make up 7 yo neighbor friend quicker bc she's too squirmy) and replacement liquid eye liner bc she's running low on current one from all her practicing. Dd15 still rarely wears any makeup at all and doesn't need to. Meanwhile dd11 is trying out all the makeup vibes around the house. She's pretty great at it and has started attempting to school me when I give in to wearing some.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 29, 2024 18:11:38 GMT -5
How much would you pay a babysitter to drive to a piano lesson, wait and drive them home? It's a solid hour with drive and wait time. I'm thinking $20.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 29, 2024 22:21:57 GMT -5
I'm also looking at hopskipdrive. Uber for kids basically. Not sure that dh will be OK with that. No matter any stats, I think he'd rather a teen we know than an adult we don't. But my parents can probably take over 60-75% of the piano lesson driving we're having trouble with. I just need a back up for when they can't, and most of the time when they can't it we'd know within 24-48 hours. Enough time to book on the app, not really enough time for a short inconsistent babysitting gig.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Feb 29, 2024 23:42:49 GMT -5
How much would you pay a babysitter to drive to a piano lesson, wait and drive them home? It's a solid hour with drive and wait time. I'm thinking $20. Will they use your car/gas? If not, $20 is not even close to cutting it. Also how long is the lesson? Are you talking about 30 minutes, an hour, two? Somehow I have the feeling that you need to be willing to pay more thaan this
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 29, 2024 23:44:30 GMT -5
How much would you pay a babysitter to drive to a piano lesson, wait and drive them home? It's a solid hour with drive and wait time. I'm thinking $20. Will they use your car/gas? If not, $20 is not even close to cutting it. Also how long is the lesson? Are you talking about 30 minutes, an hour, two? Somehow I have the feeling that you need to be willing to pay more thaan this They can. It's an hour total time, round trip drive and wait. (15 min there, 30 min lesson, 15 min home).
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 1, 2024 4:18:59 GMT -5
Myself, I think $30 is more on the nose, unless this is part of a longer gig for the sitter.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 1, 2024 8:38:36 GMT -5
Myself, I think $30 is more on the nose, unless this is part of a longer gig for the sitter. Are you thinking longer as in per day or an on going job? This would be ongoing through the end of school at least. Really until I can move their lesson time to something I can drive them.to after work and she rarely has openings or changes in her schedule. Last summer we paid $15 an hour for "babysitters" to drive ds to tennis and wait there with him in case he needed individual help (super rare, but always possible). We didn't have any problem filling those times with a couple different teens. So I don't think I'm that far off in price. But that was a 2.5 hour stint so we'd pay $40. $20 doesn't go very far so I guess that is my hesitation. But it's a pretty easy babysitting job too. Either way I will see what dh is thinking and then go from there. Dc wants to add trombone next year and while that's a ways off, if we're already paying what amounts to another month's lesson fees in chauffeur fees that gets harder to do. My parents like helping, I just need a back up so maybe that's where the app comes in.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 1, 2024 12:37:57 GMT -5
I think if you have a regularly scheduled interval of work then paying less per instance is fine. It's the one-offs that would demand more. Kind of like rush or priority pricing. JMHO. But it is true, too, IME.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 2, 2024 18:07:32 GMT -5
Bonus teen's mom got fired on Thurs. She was working at the post office. This is not at all what their family needed right now.
And sleepovers are our house are forbidden for the foreseeable future because her mom has decided that teen and DD15 are dating. Extra irony because DD15 officially has her first boy friend as of Friday.
The theater group goes to do CERT emergency response training tomorrow for a group of EMT workers. It's closer to teens house so her mom is supposed to drive her. I'm taking a van full and maybe I can run into mom and introduce myself.
The teens dress up and do makeup for specific injuries and then go scatter in a field or building to simulate an emergency for the EMTs to practice.
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ners
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Post by ners on Mar 2, 2024 18:43:01 GMT -5
How much would you pay a babysitter to drive to a piano lesson, wait and drive them home? It's a solid hour with drive and wait time. I'm thinking $20. What is the normal hourly rate? I would think the hourly rate plus 10.00 for gas and wear and tear on vehicle. I am very out of touch with what babysitters receive as pay. I think back in the day I babysat (eons ago) I received a dollar an hour and a 1.50 an hour after midnight.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 3, 2024 4:17:31 GMT -5
Oh, that's a shame, azucena. I really am rooting for bonus teen. She needs support not discipline.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 3, 2024 10:34:19 GMT -5
While I'd still strongly disagree I could get mom being jealous or worried about getting a call from CPS and therefore banning sleep overs.
But because she thinks they are lesbians?
If they were my answer would be so what? I'd be thrilled my daughter found such a good girlfriend in DD15.
My heart breaks when parents let their homophobia get in the way of their kids forming friendships and healthy bonds with other families. Those tend to be the kids that need those outside relationships the most.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 3, 2024 10:48:11 GMT -5
Bonus teen's mom got fired on Thurs. She was working at the post office. This is not at all what their family needed right now. And sleepovers are our house are forbidden for the foreseeable future because her mom has decided that teen and DD15 are dating. Extra irony because DD15 officially has her first boy friend as of Friday. The theater group goes to do CERT emergency response training tomorrow for a group of EMT workers. It's closer to teens house so her mom is supposed to drive her. I'm taking a van full and maybe I can run into mom and introduce myself. The teens dress up and do makeup for specific injuries and then go scatter in a field or building to simulate an emergency for the EMTs to practice. It's very hard to get fired from the post office. Wonder what she did....... Do introduce yourself, but, like Drama says so what if they are dating.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 3, 2024 11:49:09 GMT -5
I texted bonus teen the exact spot for CERT training. She texted back that she wasn't going to make it bc something bad happened. I texted back that I was here to listen when she's ready.
A couple hours passed and then she texted that her mom got hotlined and they are expecting second DCFS visit today. She and senior brother weren't home for first visit so get a chance to talk to services today.
I'm so naive that never crossed my mind as the "bad". I know teen is thinking job loss and her recent mental hospital stay are res flags.
DH is on board with taking in teen if it comes to that. We just don't know anything about senior brother, fifth grade sibling and there are at least two more younger. Teen is gonna be hard pressed to let younger float thru system while she's safe at our house.
I'm crushed for her. DH pointed out that mom may point fingers at us for hotline. He also wonders if it was a teacher. I really don't know much about their home life. I have a call in to theater teacher to give her the heads up and get her advice.
Makes my life problems feel so small.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 3, 2024 16:00:18 GMT -5
Hotlined? Does that mean someone called DHS on the mom?
I do hope if it comes to it, bonus teen will find a way to take you up on your offer.
Don't like hearing of any kids going in to the system, but sometimes you have to save yourself.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 3, 2024 16:37:18 GMT -5
Are you an approved foster home with the state? If it's really getting to that point I feel like it's going to get a lot more complicated.
I don't know what best case scenario is. I hope the kids are OK.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 3, 2024 17:57:30 GMT -5
Bonus teen confided more via texts all afternoon. It comes down to she and senior brother agreed to tell the truth about physical abuse during home visit today. Visit lady basically said it would get better and left.
Teen has agreed to meet me at the hs tomorrow, and I'll support her in talking to counselor and whomever else is needed to get her out of the house asap. Can they make her go back home? Is there any possibility that she can come home with us right away? I'm way out of my depth here. I don't think there is any good way to get her/anyone out tonight.
Looks like several steps and 4 months to become licensed foster. I just had a background check done thru the hs to chaperone upcoming choir trip. DH just had his for work.
Anyone know if there are quicker ways in place since teen is 16 and several teachers at school will vouch for us.
Found out younger siblings are bro 11, sis 9, and bro 2. That's a lot of long term responsibility esp knowing just small bit of their trauma. Have told teen we will keep working to get them out.
So appreciate the support and advice from my online friends.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 3, 2024 20:14:44 GMT -5
You and your hubby are good people. I hope you can get the bonus teen to a safe place. I don't know the answers to any of the questions. She and brother are smart to tell the truth about the abuse
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 4, 2024 5:21:01 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that bonus teen has been dealing with all this, azucena. That's a world of hard hurt. I pray all works out and that responsibilities beyond her depth are removed from her plate. Your support means everything to her, I'm certain.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 4, 2024 8:31:14 GMT -5
I don't know of a faster approval process for non family azucena, but I think starting the process, keeping in touch with bonus teen is most important. Ask her to memorize your phone # in case something happens to her phone. Communication will be very 1 sided for the foreseeablefuture. Eta - call and ask about emergency placement options during approval process. You never know, especially with a 16 year old who can speak for themselves. But prepare yourself that it may not be possible and focus on the support you can provide regardless.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 4, 2024 14:18:40 GMT -5
More texts and horrible details from teen throughout yesterday. After social worker(s) left yesterday, the mom beat the 9 yo. Teen said she would meet me at school, was not ever going back home, and wanted to die. I made her pinky swear not to do anything stupid and threatened to come find her if she didn't come to school.
Met teen at school. While I was waiting, the office told me there were no counselor appts til noon. So I said that's not gonna work and the lady asked why not and I said bc I'm here to help my daughter's friend report abuse. Well, that got some action. Next thing I know the head principal is in the office asking me all kinds of questions. Um, you guys, I realized I didn't know teen's last name. Luckily, her first name is unique so he knew right away whom I was talking about. Then, he brought me to his office and I answered him a bit but said, look I promised teen I'd be in front office when she gets here and I'm not going to be another grown up who lets her down. He hesitated a bit but I said I'm going back to wait for her, pls escort me. So he did and then ventured off to figure out next steps.
Teen got dropped off by school ride share about 10 mins later. I gave her a big hug and then said I may have inadvertently already started the process because I've told her I'd always be truthful and transparent with her. She was jumpy but relieved. We waited another 10 mins and I tried to distract her with stupid stories and managed to make her smile a bit.
Then we went to counselor's office and I met with main principal, soph principal, and soc worker whom I knew was familiar with teen's case and recent mental health issues. I read the key parts of teen's texts to me. They explained that bc I'm not related and teen is a minor that I had no legal rights to be there while they questioned her. They told me hotline the same info. I told soc worker that I was going to do foster paperwork and that I understood there are hoops and timing but could she at least let DCFS know that we were a future option. She agreed and said not to tell teen yet in case it doesn't work out. I got to tell teen goodbye, to tell the truth and how proud I was of how brave she is being, and give her another hug. Then, she went to be interviewed and principal escorted me out of the building. I couldn't stop ugly crying at that point. Poor guy felt so bad. I sat in the lot and cried some more. Came home and called hotline anonymously.
Family would be first emergency placement. I know there is a grandma and an aunt but nothing about them. Praying with every fiber that teen doesn't get sent home.
Foster paperwork isn't online. Just a number to call...googled a bit more and found application that needs to be printed and filled out, but still need to figure out where to send it.
Teen texted a couple hours later that they were calling elementary school to interview those two sibs. Both schools have to hotline. Mine and whomever's last week. Should raise all sorts of red flags. Family would be first emergency placement. I know there is a grandma and an aunt but nothing about them. Praying with every fiber that teen doesn't get sent home.
Teen texted at lunch that she'd been allowed to hang in theater room. I couldn't imagine her having to go to class. Theater teacher texted that teen confided in her now as well. Then teen texted that DD suspected I was up to something and dummy me forgot to turn off life360 so she knew I'd been at her school for almost two hours. She told teen to text me that I was a terrible liar and stealth is not my strength.
Told work I had to help a friend with an emergency. Have been home for a while now but just can't focus. Gonna be a lost work day I guess.
If she gets sent home, I'll be telling her to call the police if anything happens. Considered hiding her but need to follow straight and narrow in her best long term interest. Second guessing how I didn't put the puzzle pieces together and what alarms I should have raised yesterday. I just kept thinking it was better to get most of them into school safety today. I have no idea what happens with the toddler all day.
Will keep pushing for emergency placement. Was assured that she would be able to keep her phone.
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