UPDATE TO WANTS VS OBLIGATIONS THREAD

[trytofindbalance]

Hi All,

Just thought you guys would like an update on DH's wedding weekend. As you may recall I did not give DH gift or spending money because I was upset that he hadn't planned better and our budget simply couldn't afford another expense.

So DH came home last night and I asked him what he ended up giving his cousins as a gift (I was dreading him telling me that we would have to send something). Well turns out he put his thinking cap on and gave them 2 valuable gold coins out of his collection. He told them he thought that everyone could use a little gold in their lives and if they really wanted the cash, he told them what they worth and what they should sell them for. I must say I was pretty impressed by his solution. He knew that our budget could not handle the gift as well as the travel expenses and that I was going to lose my mind if he came home and asked me to send a check.

He also spent very little money on the trip, nothing that impacted our budget, he had a few bucks of his spending money in his pocket when he left and that's what he used.

BTW, he mentioned this morning that he needed to get on the phone and get his appointment set up, so he could review all of his inspection reports, so they could be submitted to the board for his license.

I have a feeling our financial discussion/argument before he left might have sunk in. I have noticed that although he gets initially angry when we discuss this stuff, he eventually thinks about and realizes that a lot of the time I am making very valid points. He has admitted that I am usually right about what I say, he just doesn't like the delivery. I have pointed out that he wouldn't like any manner of delivery when it's something he simply doesn't want to hear, doesn't matter if I sang it like a love song.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Good news! Thanks for the update

[taz157]

Good news! Thanks for the update!

[sil]

Cool gift idea - I would have loved to get something like that for our wedding!

[8 Bit WWBG]

This is a great update to hear. It sounds like things have improved quite a bit.

Would you be able to tell us: of the strategies we gave you during your thread, which worked and which did not? Which did you employ most often, and which did he respond to the best.

Your point about no method of delivery masking news one does not want to hear is spot on. This is why I've always hated that nonsense about using "I feel" statements -- most people can cut through the sugarcoating.

I'd also love to hear about what you STOPPED doing, or which of your methods YOU changed that may have improved the results. If I remember the other thread, you were expecting him to follow timelines the way you would. Did you stop that, and if so, did it work?

[thyme4change]

I have noticed that although he gets initially angry when we discuss this stuff, he eventually thinks about and realizes that a lot of the time I am making very valid points

This is pretty typical. I react that way, my husband reacts that way, people I work with react that way. It is a very natural way to deal with problems. People usually assume their way is just fine, and when challenge they go on the defense - but later, after they let it set in, they can sort through the information.

[azphx1972]

Cool update.

[trytofindbalance]

WWBG - lots of really good questions.

I would say that my strategy for discussing hot button issues has changed over our marriage. I have tried just about every technique I can imagine. As I stated before, I'm not sure that the delivery really makes a difference.

In the particular instance, the night before DH was leaving he asked if he could charge spending money to our credit card. He saw the look on my face and knew he shouldn't have asked. We really didn't have a major fight over it. I told him that I didn't want anything charged to the card. He made a few remarks about me knowing he was going to this wedding and what was he supposed to do with no money. I turned to him and simply said "that's right and you knew you were going for the last 2 months, you knew how much money we needed to pay the bills and have spending and gift money, you didn't deliver and I had to make a choice, I paid the bills". I walked out of the room and we both stewed over it. The morning of his flight I asked about the gift and he told me that he would figure it out. I think he came up with a pretty good solution.

I would have to say that what I did different this time was I put my foot down and made a very valid point when I did it. I wasn't just busting balls, I was completely honest about our financial situation and I think he just knew that I had, had it. He wasn't going to be able to get any blood from a stone at this point (something he says to me all the time). I also think he knew that I was right and that the reason he didn't have the money for the wedding, was completely because of him. I had set the money aside, but when he couldn't come up with enough to pay the bills, I needed to use it for the bills, case closed. He knew that that was the priority, whether he cared to admit it or not in the heat of the moment.

You asked about timelines as well. Well DH and I are always going to have a difference of opinion of what constitutes a reasonable timeline. I'm a type A personality and my motto is "why put off til tomorrow what can be done today" DH runs in different circles
As you know, he didn't make the April 15th deadline for getting his inspections done. He finished them around May 6th or so. I wasn't getting super upset (maybe a tiny bit impatient) because I knew that there were reasonable circumstances holding up the works. Some of them were completely out of his control, like his mentor taking a vacation and his scheduling and some were by choice, like a conflict with a much needed paying job. I think my main frustration with the whole situation was that things were just taking way too long and I felt that DH was not moving forward at a reasonable pace. Now that he is motivated and moving forward, I'm not so stuck on exact dates, I just want to see real progress going on.

I have really made best efforts to STOP getting myself so upset about everything, the stress is bad for my health. I have also tried to make sure that I watch my tone and my voice level while discussing the issues. I also try very hard to not take cheap shots (although I admit that I do it sometimes, especially because DH loves to try to divert the topic onto something about me). I have stopped letting DH divert me and I try to keep discussions on the topic at hand.

I have also learned that it is important to listen to DH's point of view, because he too has some valid points. I have also learned that my DH really needs to think about what I'm saying. He gets caught up in the emotion if he doesn't have time to think to himself. So I have learned that sometimes it's best to say my piece and then walk away, let him digest it.

[thyme4change]

I've been there - not exactly where you are, but close enough to relate.

Now, my husband is more conservative with money and spending than I am. I would encourage you to stay firm, but trust that your husband will come around. If you expect that some day he will grow up and be your partner, he will grow into the position. If you treat him like a child, he will never need to mature.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 18, 2011 13:30:37 GMT -5 trytofindbalance said:

The morning of his flight I asked about the gift and he told me that he would figure it out. I think he came up with a pretty good solution.

Please make sure you tell him this. Positive reinforcement is so important.

I have really made best efforts to STOP getting myself so upset about everything, the stress is bad for my health. I have also tried to make sure that I watch my tone and my voice level while discussing the issues. I also try very hard to not take cheap shots (although I admit that I do it sometimes, especially because DH loves to try to divert the topic onto something about me). I have stopped letting DH divert me and I try to keep discussions on the topic at hand.

I have also learned that it is important to listen to DH's point of view, because he too has some valid points. I have also learned that my DH really needs to think about what I'm saying. He gets caught up in the emotion if he doesn't have time to think to himself. So I have learned that sometimes it's best to say my piece and then walk away, let him digest it.

What I've found with DH and me, when a topic starts getting heated, is to say "Wait, I'm getting emotional/defensive on this. I don't mean to." It gives both DH and me a moment to back down or make allowances for each other (he's used it too.)

ETA to ask if anyone can tell me why my 2nd quote isn't quoting correctly?

[CarolinaKat]

Beth the HTML at the front of the 2nd quote is wrong. Take out the slash, then it should work

Spelling edit

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 18, 2011 14:13:06 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Beth the HTML at the front of the 2nd quote is wrong. Take out the slash, then it should work

Spelling edit

Thank you! I thought the slashes needed to be mirrored or bookended so I was trying that.

[CarolinaKat]

Slashes indicate to end whatever the command is. The command needs to be the same, just add the slash when you need it to stop. So before it was trying to end a command that had not started, so it did nothing

[lurkyloo]

That's great news, TTFB! I forget the exact order of the five steps--denial, anger, grief, bargaining, acceptance?--but it's true most of us need some time to process. Good luck with the ongoing process.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I would have to say that what I did different this time was I put my foot down and made a very valid point when I did it. I wasn't just busting balls, I was completely honest about our financial situation and I think he just knew that I had, had it. He wasn't going to be able to get any blood from a stone at this point (something he says to me all the time).":::...

Indeed. It sounds like this particular situation gave you a fantastic opportunity to illustrate the whole picture, and have him feel the pain quickly and immediately. You emphasized the importance of planning ahead (2 months to figure it out) and prioritizing bills over fun, and how he could have taken action earlier but didn't.

Walking out of the room when you did was also the best part. Sometimes you say the most when you use no words at all.

...:::"I have also tried to make sure that I watch my tone and my voice level while discussing the issues.":::...

Excellent advice, that all can utilize.

...:::"DH loves to try to divert the topic onto something about me":::...

No doubt an indication he is feeling blamed. I'm glad you've figured out how to navigate this and stay on track.

...:::"He gets caught up in the emotion if he doesn't have time to think to himself.":::...

Another excellent point. Very well done and I hope things keep moving as you want them.

[jkapp]

Change almost always meets with resistance...its human nature. I've noticed that quite a bit more since I became a supervisor at my workplace