to Parents...

[Deleted]

How did your kid(s) change your life?

I am asking because my brother just became a father and we were all hoping that it would light a fire under his ass and give him a reason to want to work harder, kick ass, become more ambitious.

But so far... Nada, actually my mom feels it had the reverse effect. Same goes for about 4 of my cousins that I know off that had kids in the past 5 years and honestly it's like it had no effect on them:
- dead end job if they are even working
- no ambitions or at least they are not doing anything to reach their goals (sorry but I am tired of hearing about your dream for tomorrow when you are doing nothing to reach them)
- no savings of any kind (just had a call from one of my cousin yesterday asking me if I can give her $200 and using my godson as a reason why she needs it)

I mean my mom always said how having kids made her want a better tomorrow, our culture mantra is you want to put your kids one step further than your parents got you. But with my generation the fire/drive that is/was present in our parents is non existent in 85% of them.

My mom feels it's because most of us came here at a young age or were born here; so did not experience misery/hunger in Haiti so it killed the desire. They take everything for granted.

I am afraid/worried because it is creating a class envy in my own family between us cousin that choose to be ambitious, went to school, moving forward and the ones that choose to still be leaving at home, spending their money like no tomorrow, etc.

Ex: we are planning a family reunion and the ones that can't afford it feels that that the ones that can afford it should pay for them. Like wtf?

Sorry rambling, but so frustrating!

[swamp]

I've got hte same class division in my family, I've got some seriously deadbeat cousins. You can't fix them, don't try.

And kids generally don't change people.

[Apple]

I've often found that any "change" in people is just the "intensifying" (not sure how to word it) of traits they already possess. If they are lazy, they become more so ( kid off with mom and dad all the time). If they are spendthrifts, now they have something new to spend money on. If they are selfish, having a kid just makes it more obvious. If they are attention seekers they now have a new "prop". If they are caring, the baby brings out more of that. If they are money-grubbers, they have a new reason to demand money (like your cousin, they need it "for the baby"). If they are loving, there is one more tiny person for them to love. If they are abuse or manipulating, there is one more victim or one more "tool". Those who strive hard to improve their lives will usually try harder to improve it more for the kids.

Many people say they'll change, and maybe they try, but they revert back to their ways eventually. Some people actually do try to change and will succeed, but sadly, most don't.

[whoisjohngalt]

I've become more organized and more disciplined. Did the kids really changed ME or was it that I just had the "luxury" if you will, to not to do certain things in a specific time frame before they came along?

The silliest example is probably my "wake up" time. I've always loved loved loved taking forever in the mornings on the weekends. I would roll in bed, watch TV, read a book, etc. My day didn't start sometimes until 11am. Now, I am out of bed by 7am the latest. Did "I" change?? Or did I just not had to do it before, so I didn't??

I think the "core" of you doesn't change for anyone except yourself.

Lena

[midjd]

May 14, 2011 11:03:32 GMT -5 Apple said:

I've often found that any "change" in people is just the "intensifying" (not sure how to word it) of traits they already possess. If they are lazy, they become more so ( kid off with mom and dad all the time). If they are spendthrifts, now they have something new to spend money on. If they are selfish, having a kid just makes it more obvious. If they are attention seekers they now have a new "prop". If they are caring, the baby brings out more of that. If they are money-grubbers, they have a new reason to demand money (like your cousin, they need it "for the baby"). If they are loving, there is one more tiny person for them to love. If they are abuse or manipulating, there is one more victim or one more "tool". Those who strive hard to improve their lives will usually try harder to improve it more for the kids.

ITA.

Carl, your OP reminded me of DH's cousin. He had a good job making about $50K/year in a LCOLA, met a girl who had 3 kids and worked at Wal-Mart, moved in with her, immediately quit his job, cashed out his 401(k), and has been a "SAHD" for the last 4 years. I put "SAHD" in quotes because GF still appears to do all the parenting (the kids are in school most of the day anyway). They are on EBT, Medicaid, yadda yadda, and get a hell of a tax refund every year. Y'all would tear him a new one if he ever posted on here!

He and DH had a falling out last summer when he asked to borrow a fairly substantial sum of money. DH asked him what exactly was stopping him from getting a job (I was so proud!) They haven't spoken since then, but a few weeks ago he announced via Facebook that GF is pregnant. Well, if you can't afford 3, why not have another one?

Sorry for the hijack - it just bothers me when selfish people choose to procreate and don't seem to get the memo that it's not just about what YOU want anymore...

[mtshastawriter]

Midwestern - one of the main problems is that social programs in the US tend to be "all or nothing."

I am one of those Medicaid recipients who sees a $6K EITC payment each April because I worked around my DH's medical needs. It just so happened that I managed to earn $14K last year. It's not my fault that the system is what it is and that SSDI is exempted from your AIG.

Now I am in the position of wanting to make more money, but I live in a LCOL area where most jobs do not cover health insurance and barely pay enough to buy it, if I could even get it. I have a paid-off property, and two kids still in school. Moving I don't see as an option, and with our contaminated well water, selling would be extremely difficult.

For me, personally, I am working on how I will get private insurance without having to commute all day to get it.

What are people to do who have a similar situation? Refuse Medicaid and EITC?

[Deleted]

When I had DS I was already ambitious, industrious, all that good stuff, so it wasn't a big change for me.

I can think of only one happy example in which parenthood changed someone. My flaky niece got pregnant at the age of 19 by, according to my sister, "a sweet little guy with the brains of a paramecium". The relationship didn't work out- my niece moved out on him when his drug-addicted Mom was kicked out by her boyfriend and moved in with them. My sister and her husband put a LOT of their own resources into propping her up, paying for her to finish her education, takjing care of the little girl, etc. and my niece eventually got a good job as an X-Ray tech. The extended family in the area (my sister's other 2 daughters and their husbands) were very supportive aunts and uncles. The little girl is now 5. She's secure and well-loved but not very interested in school. I hope she didn't get her father's genes.

My niece married a wonderful young man last weekend- an architect born in Malta, who's planning to adopt my great-niece and, according to my parents, has really helped set boundaries with my great-niece. Her performance in school has improved.

So, I do think she cleaned up her act after she had the baby, but without extensive support and encouragement from the family (and motivation on her part), it wouldn't have happened.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2011 10:47:06 GMT -5 swamp said:

I've got hte same class division in my family, I've got some seriously deadbeat cousins. You can't fix them, don't try.

And kids generally don't change people.

I know but it is also not just about having kids.

How come kids that have seen their parents sturggle/fighting/working their ass off to give them a better life just squander it all away. Or just not motivated at all.

I mean my mom is my role model, she got pregnant at 21, left my abuser sperm donor and started working at Burger King for $1.25/hr and cleaning other people house on the side, at times working 2-3 jobs.

Now she is a homeowner, more than finacially stable (2million net worth) and able to provide my younger siblings with the things she could not provide to me (piano/guitar lessons, karate lessons, summer camp, PS3, PSP and better yet more of her/her time.)

Why would I want to be the opposite of that? My aunt that never went past high school but now have over 5 rental homes is stuck supporting her :
- pregnant daughter, her deadbeat husband (both not working) and their son
- her deadbeat son and his son (he has been unemployed for 3 years and still not looking for a job).

Another uncle with a 3 story home have
- his son, his wife and 5 of their kids living on the first floor rent free. Heck he almost cost my uncle the house since my uncle trust him to pay the mortgage but he was pocketing the money until my uncle got a forclesure notice.
- His on the second floor with his wife and 2 other kids... all of them not paying rent. 1 of them have 3 kids.
- His other son occupy the top floor and also pays no rent.
--> My uncle is 69 and still can't retire because he has all his kids that are past their 30's that he is financially supporting.

That pisses me off,

[sesfw]

When DD was married to her nice-enough dead-beat hubby, they had a darling baby girl. DD grew up in a hurry, ex-SIL stayed the same jr-high mental age. When they separated he told DD not to try for child support because he would quit any job he had to keep from it.

When DD married a super man, he legally adopted darling g-dtr, and the ex has been totally out of the picture since. G-dtr is now 28, bachelor's degree in criminal justice, married to a great DPS officer and is going back to school to get a degree as a veterinarian tech.

Ex has missed out on a wonderful person. Seems that the new mom grows up, and the new dad just continues on. Sad.

[tloonya]

/Ex: we are planning a family reunion and the ones that can't afford it feels that that the ones that can afford it should pay for them. Like wtf?

/
??HUH?

I should say I had seen more than once in my life that people had been changing simply by the fact they they have aged. They had been reaching the age when fooling around just stopped and they took responsibility. One did when third kid was born. One when she was 40. Went to college and made herself a good life. One at 33. Use to be a shame for the family. Matured and became successfull businessman. Not kids but age...

[Deleted]

May 14, 2011 12:13:55 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

How come kids that have seen their parents sturggle/fighting/working their ass off to give them a better life just squander it all away. Or just not motivated at all.

My sister and BILs' kids (the ones I mentioned before) are a bit like this. Sister decided she wanted to go to Med school after having the 3 little girls. She was 30. BIL, who never finished college, said, ""go for it". Sometimes he worked 3 jobs to pay the bills. She made it. BIL grew up poor and in a dysfunctional family and I think he wanted to protect his daughters from what he had. Unfortunately, in many cases that meant rescuing them form bad decisions they should have fixed up themselves- paying off cc debt, sending #1 daughter back for a nursing degree when her psych degree didn't provide a living wage, paying vet bills for her sick doggie, and, as I mentioned earlier, getting daughter #3 through school and practically taking over as surrogate parents for my great-niece.

Any parent has a hard time watching their kids run into difficulty and some just want to protect them from everything. The kids get used to it.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Depending on who you talk to my kids drastically changed my life. I contend that I would have gotten off my ass and gotten on with my life within a few years at most anyway. I just happened to get the GF pregnant while I was in my finding myself stage (read job hopping, hanging with friends, couch surfing, just generally enjoying that golden time between high school and college). Sure, I personally stretched that time out to a couple years, instead of one summer, but whatever. At some point I would have gotten the hell out of the small town I grew up in and gotten a real job. Meeting Loop and the unplanned pregnancy just sped things up a bit.

Some people would say I was a total bum who apparently lacked any ambition or motivation and just wanted to party until I got my GF pregnant and completely changed my life.

It all depends on how you look at it.

Seriously though, hanging out sleeping on your friends couch and only working when you need to buy concert tickets or a drum set, then quitting, is all well and good when you're 17 and 18. There's no way in hell I still would have been doing it at 25 though, regardless of whether or not I'd had kids.

[Formerly SK]

Having kids really matured me. I was always responsible on paper, but I was more emotional/gossipy before kids. I also squandered A LOT of time (sleeping until 11am etc). Oh how DH and I cry when we look back at the time we squandered. LOL

More than having kids, having an autistic son REALLY changed me. I'm much more patient, tolerant, mature, compassionate, and STRONG now. If there is a silver lining to autism, it is that it has made me a far better human being.

[april47]

NOTHING changes your life like having a baby! Your time and money are not your own forever. You are responsible for another human being.
No longer will having fun, going out with friends, spending money, sleeping and eating be the same. I am not saying worse or bad, just different. The sacrifices hopefully balance out with the satisfaction but be forwarned.
Future parents need to look carefully at their priorities before making the leap, but of course that is not what is on their mind at the time in a lot of cases.

[busymom]

I was always working before I had kids ( I was working 2 jobs when I found out I was pregnant with our first child). Motherhood taught me how little sleep I could live on. There was no more catching up on sleep on Saturdays. I had to work even harder. But, I CHOSE to put in the time, because I wanted to take care of my family. Maybe those who expect constant handouts never learned pride, or self-respect, or had no extended family to shame them for not digging in & taking care of their own family. My extended family would've read any leeches the riot act!

[stats45]

What is it exactly that motivates people? It seems to be a combination of incentives (e.g. availability of welfare) and culture.

I think we talk a lot about welfare, but we often miss the cultural/social aspect. There is no biological imperative to need a single family home, two cars, and a 401k. Most every person in the history of the world who had/has children has done so without these things. Even with no welfare programs, it doesn't follow that someone would feel compelled to do more than the minimum necessary to survive.

[happyscooter]

Acquaintance had a baby when she was in her late 30s. Sperm donor never bought so much as a pack of diapers. Couldn't/wouldn't hold a job. Mom worked some, definitely not full time. And why did she have to? Medicaid for her daughter. She lived with her sister who paid the mortgage, utilities and groceries. Sister was unmarried and in her 50s. And other family members bought the little girl everything she needed. Clothes, school supplies, shoes, sports equipment, etc.......... Took her to dance and ballgames. Why should the 'mom' do anything? I kept saying 'the motherly instinct' will kick in and mom will get some pride and want to make a good life for her daughter. Sadly, it never happened.

[april47]

A single acquaintance of mine who was almost 40 wanted a baby really, really bad. I'm guessing the baby urge is really strong in some women whose time for child bearing is almost up. Maybe this is a biological thing of women only? Anyway she was not financially secure although she had a degreed job that, while respectable, did not pay well. So she begged and borrowed and managed to have her baby through IUI with a donor. Two years later she has a beautiful child that she loves dearly but she is broke although no assistance because she is working at least. While she has family that are helping as much as they can, she is going downhill fast.Her student loans are going up instead of down and she owes a fortune.She's in default on her credit cards. Child care takes a lot of her money. It's breaking my heart to watch this train wreck waiting to happen! So yes, being a parent can really change your life and if you are not ready financially it can be a disaster!!