zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 11:17:13 GMT -5
It's not his fault but mine entirely but I cannot imagine, given what I have said about what things cost and how I can't just do "this or that" like he thinks I can. I mean, he thinks I can just take classes this fall and join a health club. Well, sure, if I don't pay rent this month but that isn't an option. What I will be doing this fall is job searching and then the doo doo will hit the fan for sure.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 11:26:54 GMT -5
No, and I even have a more unpardonable sin. I will stew about this and then, at some point, out it will come. Rotten habit.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 20, 2011 11:53:14 GMT -5
Once I realized I would never have THE best anything, I stopped caring, and I stopped trying. I would love to tell you all that now I have THE best net worth - but that isn't true either. But, I'm fine with what I have and even what I don't have. I'm not sure if others feel the same way - no matter what their situation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 12:01:44 GMT -5
I just would like to stop worrying all the time. I THOUGHT that would change with DF but I guess not. If I work then it will so-so be it.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 20, 2011 12:15:51 GMT -5
It's not his fault but mine entirely but I cannot imagine, given what I have said about what things cost and how I can't just do "this or that" like he thinks I can. I mean, he thinks I can just take classes this fall and join a health club. Well, sure, if I don't pay rent this month but that isn't an option. What I will be doing this fall is job searching and then the doo doo will hit the fan for sure. Ok, so do you have a reasonable comeback figured out for the next time he mentions it? For example: "Nope, not in the cards. I can pay rent or go to school. Rent wins." "Honey, that's X amount over my rent that I don't have." "Are you covering it?" "DF, I have obligations beyond the groceries. There's rent and the house in Michigan (or wherever, you've still got a house to sell, right?) to deal with." "Honey, I'm broke." I'm sure the board has more but you get the idea. You have to say something to open up the door to discussion with him. In my DH's case, sometimes he needs to door propped open as far as possible and have me yodeling at him from the other side before he sticks his head though it. And even then he doesn't always go though it. I get the not wanting to ask but you need to make him away that your finances are considerably smaller/different than his. He needs to respect that and either scale stuff back or offer to help out some.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 12:42:18 GMT -5
Wisconsin, great idea. Right now I just say nothing. Sroo4, you are right, we really need to do it and now before its too late and these patterns and my feelings get set.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 13:06:59 GMT -5
Tonite may be the night. DD is talking to me about it as well.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 20, 2011 13:12:14 GMT -5
Wisconsin, great idea. Right now I just say nothing. Sroo4, you are right, we really need to do it and now before its too late and these patterns and my feelings get set. Mr Sroo and I did it over drinks one night at an irish pub . Somehow it didn't feel as intimidating there. For DH and me, it started when we'd been dating about 5 months or so and I didn't have money to go out to eat with him. That was when he found out I had about $14K in cc debt... I had a plan and was dealing with my debt but he was shocked, not surprisingly.
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Post by debtheaven on May 20, 2011 13:15:55 GMT -5
DH - why not Mauritius?Sorry, jdnstl, just saw this! Mauritius is lovely but not a place I aspire to take my kids to ... that's what I meant. If I'm spending the money on travel, I'd rather take them on a safari, or to Australia. IOW something more "adventurous" than a beach vacation. We are renting a place near the beach for two weeks this summer ... I LOVE the beach but I wouldn't pay a fortune in airfare to take my kids to one. Zib I agree you need to say something. Remember to use "I". "I can't afford it." "I'd love to but I can't." "Until I sell the house, money is too tight." Things like that: the facts, nothing accusatory. I think your DF is just clueless. And I'm sure he's not a mind reader. Better to be honest albeit diplomatic than resentful.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 13:23:24 GMT -5
I guess I just thought he would treat me better after the sacrifices I made for him so it really hurts me that he is so clueless.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 13:26:57 GMT -5
I guess I just thought he would treat me better after the sacrifices I made for him so it really hurts me that he is so clueless. People are clueless until you clue them in. You have to tell him.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on May 20, 2011 13:34:44 GMT -5
Zib- I agree, from experience- you must get the finances out on the table. It will not be pretty otherwise.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 14:00:32 GMT -5
I know, it's just hard for me to be the one to bring it up but I am the one who is hurting financially and emotionally so it's up to me to set it straight.
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Post by debtheaven on May 20, 2011 14:39:13 GMT -5
Zib, the sooner the better. Keeping it all in and being resentful isn't the way to go. Write everything out so you can show numbers.
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turbothumper
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Post by turbothumper on May 20, 2011 15:07:37 GMT -5
Zib, IMHO, if you can't be open and honest about how you are feeling now, you better be ready to spend the rest of your life holding it all in. It really isn't fair to yourself or your DF. TALK to him. Also, people who don't have to worry about money, don't worry about money. So, if your DF is in a comfortable place, it just does not even cross his mind that you aren't. Good luck and do yourself a favor, be completely honest and open with him and yourself. Life is too short to be anything but YOU!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2011 15:46:35 GMT -5
Turbo, you are so right. He has never lived in the real world so has no clue how it is for others.
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Post by debtheaven on May 20, 2011 15:57:25 GMT -5
Zib I know people like that too and I agree with you and Turbo. You just have to bite the bullet and do it. You are not a "leech", far from it, you have made your own way for decades. If you're not managing now that you have moved in with DF on his terms, there is a reason. But it's up to you to lay all that out in a calm, measured fashion, even if you are freaking out inside, and it sort of sounds like you are. No judgement there, I freak out about money too, regularly.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on May 20, 2011 20:25:36 GMT -5
zib- I was very financially stable- so didn't think I needed to have the finances talk with the ex husband when we were together- so I didn't. He decided that we could use my money (and eventually CC) to pay for everything. I floated 2 marriages like this and ended up losing everything- including my credit rating. If I ever get married again- we are having the talk. As debtheaven said- you are not a leech- but you are trying to stay within your means. He needs to understand that you are not comfortable living outside of your means (individually or as a couple).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 21, 2011 10:16:40 GMT -5
DID IT!!! It was VERY hard and I was SO embarrassed but its over and done with and I can breathe a sigh of relief!!! Thank you all so much. Whew!!! What a load off!!!!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on May 21, 2011 12:10:44 GMT -5
hugs and karma for zib
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Post by debtheaven on May 21, 2011 18:30:28 GMT -5
Glad to hear that Zib! I'd love to hear a bit more if you'd care to share.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2011 12:08:25 GMT -5
About how it happened, what was said?
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Post by debtheaven on May 22, 2011 12:13:12 GMT -5
Up to you ... I meant especially whether or not your issues were resolved.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2011 12:33:37 GMT -5
They were. I got my new insurance premium and of course the company used the "obamacare" excuse to rape me again. I said to DF there is no way I can spend 5k a year on health insurance and that I have to save some money because my rentals will need work after tenants move out and on and on. I'm sure I looked like I was going to burst into tears and i wasn't far from it. Then I said I was getting a job after summer was over and he started in on me finding a volunteer job or taking classes and I lost it again and said there was no way I could do those things. Next thing I know he says he is giving me X amount per month and for me to not stress over money, that dealing with him is stressful enough (No shit) and money should not be a part of the stress I'm under. The allowance he is going to give me will pick up the slack without making me feel too much like a mooch.
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Post by debtheaven on May 22, 2011 12:57:15 GMT -5
I'm glad it worked out Zib! It's proof that he really wasn't aware of your financial situation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2011 15:48:23 GMT -5
I know he wasn't but I am very proud and its demeaning to get an allowance like I'm 10 years old.
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Post by debtheaven on May 22, 2011 16:19:11 GMT -5
I don't think there is anything wrong with him helping you since you seem to have moved and changed your life to accommodate his. This said, I have to admit I don't love the term "allowance" either. I agree that it is a demeaning term, you need to find another one.
How about DF decided to gift you your health care costs, so you could be available to take care of his health (since his health seems to be an issue)? Does that sound better?
Zib, you were financially independent before. I know you moved in with DF, but were you working before? Is that what changed? I thought you had already retired.
Also, I think your DD is nearly done with school. That will free up some money (maybe even a lot of money). (((Zib)))
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2011 17:22:37 GMT -5
DD has one more year, darn it. She was supposed to be done this year but that's where a fair amount of cash is going, then I put away some for rental repairs and maintenance. Some work needs to be done this summer, not a lot but when my tenants move (they've been long term) the place needs all new carpet/vinyl and paint and other stuff. That costs a few grand at least per house. I did retire but I didn't plan on these extra expenses. I had been looking for a new job, I did retire from teaching and am fortunate enough to be able to look for a job that makes me happy as opposed to miserable but with my finances the way they are and the economy, I need to work. Then I met DF (or re-connected as we dated in college) and the rest is history. No point in job hunting when I was moving and if I work here, then I can't be available for DF and he wants me available. I just thought he would do for me what he did for #1 wife and that was put money in her account and she paid household bills and other stuff out of it. I guess he figured out he got "hosed" that way and now wants to pay household bills himself. It's just for a year until she graduates and I get caught up with my rentals and finances.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2011 17:26:29 GMT -5
I'm just embarrassed about the whole thing. Number one wife just mooched for years, her and her kids just hosed him and then she walks off with millions to boot. The LAST thing in the world I wanted to be was another leech and that's what I feel like. Yes, I moved to a state where I do not want to live, and, yes, I am taking care of someone who I will be getting the bad 25 years not the good 25 years so I suppose there should be some kind of financial consideration for those sacrifices besides even missing my friends and my kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 22, 2011 17:28:13 GMT -5
I just didn't want to be ANOTHER person with my hand in his pocket like everyone he comes in contact with.
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