Friend envy

[el1504]

I have recently been having a little friend envy. A couple we are friends with have bought a big fancy house, are having all these renovations done, bought new furniture, had new heating and cooling systems installed and regular overseas holidays. I know they earn roughly what we do (same employers and roles) so they are not that much better off than we are.

Anyway last night I finally said I hope you don't mind but how do you afford all this... Well she said this is $40 per month and that is $30 per month and that is $100 per month and so on.

No longer envious

[dianartemis]

[debtheaven]

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[debtheaven]

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[debtheaven]

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[busymom]

Hi El! Yup, I was thinking the same thing as I read your post. (How much of their new stuff is on the credit card?)
It's nice to avoid that huge mistake, isn't it?

[jenna30]

Last year, we moved into our first home from an 800 sq ft apartment. We've been buying furniture a little at a time to avoid incurring debt. I'd love to be able to do it all in one fell swoop, but I can't bring myself to pay interest charges.

We're currently paying off our bedroom set that was purchased at 0% for 36 months. We're paying it off early.

[ambellamy]

I hear you on all this.

My older sister keeps getting on my case for not "living it up" more... and being so cheap...
my mom keeps asking me when the last time I went clothes shopping was (and I honestly can't remember because we don't have the money to go blow a couple hundread on a summer wardrobe)...

But they don't understand that my fiance and I want to start our new lives together on a good financial footing (and since he hasn't been able to find a job out here yet we are living on one income)... So yes, my lifestyle will change because we have more expenses and only one income right now.

I'm just tired of hearing how we aren't spending money left and right going out to dinner and living it up... You'd think Family would understand....

Sorry to hijack a thread... just needed to get that out there.

[reeneejune]

This reminds me of the redneck joke...

"See this tatoo of my momma right here? 3 more payments and this baby's mine!" Insert mental image of someone pointing to the tatoo on their arm.

Sorry, had to share that. I try to think of that every time I think about buying on credit. Especially things that can't be returned.

[patchwork150]

When I read the title I thought this thread would be the other way around- friends that are envious of you for what you have, but can't get it together financially and spend spend spend more than you do.

I've had co-workers that make the same $ as I talk nasty about me. They are in debt up to their eyeballs and cannot afford anything. If they see me wearing a new top, or taking someone out to lunch, or complain about how broke they are (and get suggestions instead of comisery or sympathy from me) then I am the terrible person beacuse I spend $. However I am saving more and more $ every month and have no consumer debt, no kids, no car payment, and no morgage.

[laramik]

I've definitely had these feelings. I would assume that these people made way more money than DH and I or somehow, were just managing their money way better than we were and I would have major jealousy. Especially, in regards to stuff with kids (Why do their kids get to go to Disneyland every year and ours have never been?!?) However, two of our "richer" friends have had their houses foreclosed on and the party-on-credit is over. One of the couples, who used to love having us over to show us their new toys, doesn't even return our calls anymore. I think they are too embarrassed. Sad.

[ldawngirl]

I have a friend who is the same way. Always talking about the renovations they're doing to the house or the 3 or 4 vacations they go on each year and they make about the same, if not less than we do. I know they have debt - not sure how much, but it's obviously going up and not down!

[Deleted]

I could never be friends with someone who I thought was in debt.

[dancinmama]

Don't assume anything about anyone.

In 1998 DH and I bought a home on a golf course. Most of the people who knew us were not only SHOCKED that we had purchased the home, but were even more SHOCKED when we didn't move into it for 2 weeks while a contractor did a major remodel (gutted kitchen and baths, replaced all flooring, etc.). Oh my gosh the rumor mill was ridiculous.

We did not overextend ourselves; we simply had lived below our means for so many years that we could easily afford it. I'm sure that most of the people who thought they knew us just assumed that we had gotten in way over our heads.

[jdnstl]

May 9, 2011 13:55:56 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I could never be friends with someone who I thought was in debt.

then why are posting in a forum started for people in debt, whose members (majority anyway) are/were in debt?

[CarolinaKat]

May 9, 2011 14:24:05 GMT -5 jdnstl said:

May 9, 2011 13:55:56 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I could never be friends with someone who I thought was in debt.

then why are posting in a forum started for people in debt, whose members (majority anyway) are/were in debt?

Archie is being funny... He likes to shake things up by saying strange things

[Tired Tess]

I haven't read all the posts yet, but sometimes what people have are given to them. My mother-in-law left us her dinning room set when she moved and my sister-in-law gave us her kitchen table and chairs.

[mizbear]

People raised eyebrows when I bought my car last year- but I am very tight with my money. And honestly, if I hadn't needed the larger vehicle- I wouldn't have replaced my paid off truck- I would have bought a tonneau. All of my furniture has been bought on interest free lay a way and I don't use credit cards.
The best part- my DB is 2 yrs younger than me, makes 3 times as much and is up to his butt in bills. Not this bear.
Te only "debt" I have is school and my car payment.

[blackcard]

Envious of the eternal payment plan? Well, at least it is a financial plan, of sorts

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I'm glad you're no longer envious!!!

It's a hard place to be--I know because I'm still there.

[debtheaven]

It's a hard place to be--I know because I'm still there.

Me too. Karma to you Chloe for being so honest.

Not for any possessions, I don't care about clothes or handbags or any "stuff", only for travels. (And our kids' educations, but we always find the money for that, happily it's cheaper here than in the US.)

Everybody here travels all the time at the drop of a hat, and they often talk about traveling in first class with their DH's "miles". So kill me, sometimes I am jealous. African safaris, Mauritius, etc. I've actually been to both those places, but that was many moons ago and now I want to take my kids there. Maybe not Mauritius, but certainly to Africa.

[debtheaven]

This message has been deleted.

[jdnstl]

May 14, 2011 21:24:13 GMT -5 @debtheaven said:

It's a hard place to be--I know because I'm still there.

Me too. Karma to you Chloe for being so honest.

Not for any possessions, I don't care about clothes or handbags or any "stuff", only for travels. (And our kids' educations, but we always find the money for that, happily it's cheaper here than in the US.)

Everybody here travels all the time at the drop of a hat, and they often talk about traveling in first class with their DH's "miles". So kill me, sometimes I am jealous. African safaris, Mauritius, etc. I've actually been to both those places, but that was many moons ago and now I want to take my kids there. Maybe not Mauritius, but certainly to Africa.

DH - why not Mauritius?

ETA - i wish i was still in france sometimes just to be able to travel all the places i want to go!! africa is on that list.

[mizbear]

I am more envious of my friends who have kids and husbands- even though I know that husbands cost me money and so do DBs kids....

I am not really a thing person...

[zibazinski]

I've moved to be with DF. DF has money and I am okay but nowhere like DF. This neighborhood is full of well cared for women who vacation and spend a lot on themselves. They also drive nice cars. It's very hard for me not to envy and realize that if DF would part with some cash, I could be cared for as well or at least not freakin' worry about money all the time. My health insurance premium went up AGAIN and I just can't afford 5k a year on health insurance. He doesn't want me to work and I don't either but no money comes from him to alleviate the financial burden on me. If I wasn't having to support DD for another school year, I'd be in a better place but it irks me that I struggle and he doesn't see it. Drops $500 on his kids airfare without a thought but give me $500, not a thought in that direction. In his mind, I am sure, he feels that since all I buy are groceries, I'm doing okay, but I am also supporting another residence. If I asked, he would give but why should I have to ask? Why can't he see that it is a struggle for me? I am starting to resent him over this issue.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm doing okay, but I am also supporting another residence. If I asked, he would give but why should I have to ask? Why can't he see that it is a struggle for me? I am starting to resent him over this issue.

Zib, he can't read your mind. And he's obliviously not picking up on whatever cues/hints your giving him. Figure out what it is you want from him and ask for it. Otherwise you're going to be a seething mass of resentment and that's not good for you or your relationship.

[zibazinski]

You are so right but I can't ask.

[zibazinski]

Not because he would care but I just cannot do it inside me.

[nalto]

"Not because he would care but I just cannot do it inside me. "

Not to sound heartless, because I can understand where you're coming from, but then you really need to think about this when you feel resentment growing. If he really has no clue and you can't ask, he's hardly at fault.

[shanendoah]

zib: But if you're starting to feel resentment, you have to do something, even if its just vent to him. Tell him you don't need to him to "fix" anything, but you're starting to feel resentment and you need to get this out on the table before it ruins your relationship.


We have friends who travel, and who organize group trips for our group of friends. The first time they organized a trip, it was the same year we were already going to Europe, so we said no, don't have the vacation time or money due to the other trip. The second time they were organizing a trip, the MIL was living with us and money was a little tight, so we once again said thanks but no thanks. (Which turned out to be a great decision as DH lost his job a few weeks before they all went on that trip.) After that, they stopped inviting us on the group trips.
I know one person who has gone on every single one of those trips, and its put her in huge amounts of debt. Another person tried to back out of the second trip (a cruise) and they refused to let him because it would increase the cost of the person he was sharing the room with.
So basically, they stopped inviting us along because we refused to put ourselves in debt for the privelege of hanging out with them. I don't feel a huge loss.

As a side note: The organizing couple shouldn't be able to afford everything they have, even though they both make good money, but her father is rich and basically paid the down payment on their house, bought them at least one of their cars, etc. She has never had to worry about money a single day in her life so it doesn't occur to her that other people do.