SAHMs

[giramomma]

I also wish we could just say that women get screwed in divorce, no matter what.

I have all the earning power. We divorce, I am absolutely screwed. 

If I would have dropped down to working part time opposite DH (which was the plan) while we had minor kids, I would have been screwed.

I supposed though, being the primary breadwinner, I'm less screwed than someone without a job.

Half my assets, gone, though. Hurts. 

And not every SAHP spouse does so much that the working partner can just ride off into the sunset making a gajillion dollars. Public sector doesn't exactly work like that. And I never thought that being the primary breadwinner excused me from being a parent. 

The person who hired me at my job. He always let his wife choose whether to work or SAH. She chose to SAH. After their kids were mostly grown, he paid for his wife to get her masters to transition into full time work.

I don't think he made more than 150K a year. His alimony was like 40K a year.

He got divorced in his 50s. Had to work until 70 to make up for all that he lost. Sadly, he didn't even live to see 70. 

[raeoflyte]

Aug 10, 2024 16:04:03 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I also wish we could just say that women get screwed in divorce, no matter what.

I have all the earning power. We divorce, I am absolutely screwed. 

If I would have dropped down to working part time opposite DH (which was the plan) while we had minor kids, I would have been screwed.

I supposed though, being the primary breadwinner, I'm less screwed than someone without a job.

Half my assets, gone, though. Hurts. 

And not every SAHP spouse does so much that the working partner can just ride off into the sunset making a gajillion dollars. Public sector doesn't exactly work like that. And I never thought that being the primary breadwinner excused me from being a parent. 

The person who hired me at my job. He always let his wife choose whether to work or SAH. She chose to SAH. After their kids were mostly grown, he paid for his wife to get her masters to transition into full time work.

I don't think he made more than 150K a year. His alimony was like 40K a year.

He got divorced in his 50s. Had to work until 70 to make up for all that he lost. Sadly, he didn't even live to see 70. 

I've been thinking about this angle alot for my situation and for me I think the mindset I'm trying to adjust to is the misconception that our assets were mine. There's earning power in sharing a household and losing that all at once is an incredibly tough pill to swallow. If we had always kept our assets separate, or at least kept an accounting of separate assets I don't think I would have deluded myself into thinking I had as much.

My dad said his goal was always to be a millionaire and they made it by retirement but on his own he didn't. Which seemed like splitting hairs at the time, but its pretty accurate now.

[Bonny]

Aug 11, 2024 9:23:51 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Aug 10, 2024 16:04:03 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I also wish we could just say that women get screwed in divorce, no matter what.

I have all the earning power. We divorce, I am absolutely screwed. 

If I would have dropped down to working part time opposite DH (which was the plan) while we had minor kids, I would have been screwed.

I supposed though, being the primary breadwinner, I'm less screwed than someone without a job.

Half my assets, gone, though. Hurts. 

And not every SAHP spouse does so much that the working partner can just ride off into the sunset making a gajillion dollars. Public sector doesn't exactly work like that. And I never thought that being the primary breadwinner excused me from being a parent. 

The person who hired me at my job. He always let his wife choose whether to work or SAH. She chose to SAH. After their kids were mostly grown, he paid for his wife to get her masters to transition into full time work.

I don't think he made more than 150K a year. His alimony was like 40K a year.

He got divorced in his 50s. Had to work until 70 to make up for all that he lost. Sadly, he didn't even live to see 70. 

I've been thinking about this angle alot for my situation and for me I think the mindset I'm trying to adjust to is the misconception that our assets were mine. There's earning power in sharing a household and losing that all at once is an incredibly tough pill to swallow. If we had always kept our assets separate, or at least kept an accounting of separate assets I don't think I would have deluded myself into thinking I had as much.

My dad said his goal was always to be a millionaire and they made it by retirement but on his own he didn't. Which seemed like splitting hairs at the time, but its pretty accurate now.

This. There is a tendency of the primary breadwinner to claim all the assets are theirs because "they made the money". That's not how it works. Yes, there's disfunctional partnerships but ultimately that is the concept of marriage; i.e. a partnership with each contributing in their own way.

[zibazinski]

Aug 9, 2024 15:10:23 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 9, 2024 14:18:46 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

There’s a traceable paper trail including her IRA withdrawal.

Unfortunately, not after 24 years.  She went back to the investment firms and they don’t keep records that long.  

But that money came from somewhere. That’s terrible. Even the school system still has my records from elementary school and it’s been 60 years since I was in elementary school.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 16, 2024 16:03:54 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Aug 9, 2024 15:10:23 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Unfortunately, not after 24 years.  She went back to the investment firms and they don’t keep records that long.  

But that money came from somewhere. That’s terrible. Even the school system still has my records from elementary school and it’s been 60 years since I was in elementary school.

Believe me, she beat that bush to death.  

[giramomma]

Aug 11, 2024 17:13:09 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Aug 11, 2024 9:23:51 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I've been thinking about this angle alot for my situation and for me I think the mindset I'm trying to adjust to is the misconception that our assets were mine. There's earning power in sharing a household and losing that all at once is an incredibly tough pill to swallow. If we had always kept our assets separate, or at least kept an accounting of separate assets I don't think I would have deluded myself into thinking I had as much.

My dad said his goal was always to be a millionaire and they made it by retirement but on his own he didn't. Which seemed like splitting hairs at the time, but its pretty accurate now.

This. There is a tendency of the primary breadwinner to claim all the assets are theirs because "they made the money". That's not how it works. Yes, there's disfunctional partnerships but ultimately that is the concept of marriage; i.e. a partnership with each contributing in their own way.

Perhaps this was one of the few good things about DH and I starting our marriage out very dysfunctionally. There was little I saw as "ours." Our house is ours. I mean, our normal checking, EF, and sinking funds our "ours." I'd hardly call those assets these days though.

Otherwise it's been all mine/his.

I also don't think it's as bad as it sounds. Money in DH's IRAs, with his name on it. It's his. It's not mine. Just like my IRAs are mine, and not his. He had a touch more in his. Right. I'm not paying a lawyer to fight over DH having like 7K more than me in our individual IRAs. That's just a waste of time, money, and emotions.

My pension is mine. It's not his. His taxable was absolutely his for the first decade or so of marriage. We didn't use it for anything related to the household. His pension is his, not mine. 

When the older two kids had/have a job as a minor, that is their money. It's not mine just because I'm the parent and I have some sort of legal standing/responsibility. 

Even with things like 529 plans. It's the kids' money. It's not mine. Technically it's my inlaws. Except they don't want the unused portion back from DS..so....It's the kids' money.

Only other things of value I have besides the home and retirement accounts are my instrument and my ring. I don't know what DH would want with either of those things. Just like i wouldn't want DH's wedding band in a split. My car is 10 years old. It's worth a little something, but we're not talking much.

Otherwise, we really just have old shit no one wants.  And if we split, we'd just replace the old shit with more old shit, because that's what we can afford.

[Opti]

Aug 16, 2024 16:03:54 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Aug 9, 2024 15:10:23 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Unfortunately, not after 24 years.  She went back to the investment firms and they don’t keep records that long.  

But that money came from somewhere. That’s terrible. Even the school system still has my records from elementary school and it’s been 60 years since I was in elementary school.

There are different legal requirements though for school records and financial records. The latter typically are in the 7-to-10-year range for paperwork held the longest. School records are almost forever given they are used to verify identity, for employment purposes, etc. 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 16, 2024 17:45:40 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 16, 2024 16:03:54 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

But that money came from somewhere. That’s terrible. Even the school system still has my records from elementary school and it’s been 60 years since I was in elementary school.

Believe me, she beat that bush to death.  

Investment firms are only required to keep records like this for 6 years by law.