Blending families - advice needed

[Firebird]

I need advice from people who have done this successfully.

My DGF and I have been together for a little over a year. We met through our daughters, who are both 11 and going into the 6th grade (different schools). They're not best buddies but they're good friends. DGF also has a 5yo DS, who Babybird adores. She likes little kids in general, and she's really good with them. I also think she's quite enjoying being the "big sister" after things ended so badly with her older cousin/ surrogate big sister.

The kids get along great and we aren't rushing anything. None of us are ready for living together, nor do I see us getting there for some time, but it's near enough that DGF and I talk about it a lot (only with each other, for now). I love her kids and vice versa but I do worry about Babybird being the "odd one out" since she wouldn't be their bio sibling. I know what being the third wheel feels like; I'm a bit hesitant to inflict it on my little girl. And then there are just all the other complications that spring from combining families and children and parenting styles.

Any helpful suggestions, especially from people who have been where we are now? Pitfalls to avoid? Tips? Thankfully, Babybird's dad really likes my DGF. He's totally supportive and has completely embraced her role in my life (wish I could say the same of her ex) so that part's not an issue.

[MJ2.0]

well, I'm partly in your shoes in that I've remarried and am living with my new husband while having split custody of my DS. DH doesn't have any children but he and DS have a great relationship, although they're still finding their groove. XH seems to still be having an issue with my moving on and refuses to speak to or meet DH, even when they were literally 4 ft away from each other.

The only thing I can offer is to communicate often and to help ensure that everyone treats everyone like family as much as possible. Not "step-whatever" - just plain FAMILY. That may not always be easy, but it's all you can do.

[finnime]

I remarried when my DS was 11. DD is 8 years older so she wasn't much affected in terms of a parental relationship. I had sole custody of DS for good reason. There are a few things it would be good for the two of you to discuss:

What do you want the kids to call you? DS called my DH by his first name and then included him in the designation "parents". It made sense to us to follow his lead on this and a number of other matters.

Is discipline to be provided by either mom? What warrants discipline? Disrespect and back talk? Lying? Accidently spilling the cereal?

Should all the kids celebrate you both for mother's day?

Should delicate questions about sex be handled by either mom? Do you agree on what is to be shared?

Mainly, openly share communication with each other and the kids. Also, keep a calendar posted for all to see and keep up with who is to go where when.

[TheOtherMe]

DN3's stepson gets very upset when people refer to DN3 as his dad.  He is especially sensitive about this because his dad died at a young age.  He will most likely lose many of his memories of his dad.  

He calls DN3 "Pops".  

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

oooh, I have lots of experiences, thoughts, and reflections. I'll type them up and post it later. 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

All I can say is to read AITA on Reddit as to what NOT to do!  there are truly some f’ed up stories as to how people have attempted to blend families.  

[geenamercile]

I don't know how blended we are.  I am living at As and my daughters have stayed in my house with my ex, we go out and do things together and all the kids seem to get along.  We have gone on 2 week long vacations at this point, and we have events where all the kids have done something, and others where only some of them have chosen to join us.  I don't think any of the kids A's or mine are looking at each other as siblings.  A's kids have gone through two relationships already where the woman and kids moved in with them and blended for it to end up bad, first one was 5 years second was 2 years.  So they are careful. 

For my daughters we have pretty much let them take the lead.  And while not interested in sibling relationships, the youngest certainly likes doing things with them.  The oldest is more comfortable with just one of his kids at a time, A's kids tend to bicker and purposely annoy each other a lot, which will stress my oldest out.  She is also very caught up in entering the world of adulthood.  I don't think any of the kids feel like a 3rd wheel or out of place. 

Over all I have stepped more into a bonus mom role with A's kids, the oldest daughter does see her at all, the younger son everyother weekend under the supervision of her mom, she is a drug addict.  Neither of my daughters look to Allen as a father figure but I think that is partly because they have a very positive  and good father in my ex. 

A and my ex have not meet, I don't think either would be rude to each other, it is more just it never really has come up.  I don't really see my ex at all either, I make arrangements with my daughters directly.    

[countrygirl2]

delete, wrong place

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

DH and I blended families in 2008; XH did so in with his second wife in 2007. 
I have two daughters; DH has two sons. The sons are older than the daughters. 


For us, DH is a completely equal and participating parent regarding the girls. This was not something we left up to the girls. I was not going to blend families and have a difference in levels of parenting with the girls. It was an all or nothing situation for me.  However, I am not the boys' "mom". They were late teenagers when we started living together--DS#1 went to his freshman year of college, so he and I have never lived in the same house. 

I'm much stricter than DH. It took a bit to learn the balance there. 

For pitfalls
One area that was apparent in both our household and XH's household was that everyone felt like the "other kids" got treated differently. 

For example, 
DS#2 was really frustrated that my daughters "got more" than he did. While he wasn't wrong, he didn't understand that how his dad and I managed money and placed value on things ans experiences was quite different from how his dad and his mom did. I've alwasy made at least twice as much money than his mother. DS#2 did realize that his reaction wasn't the girls' fault. 

Alternatively, the girls felt that XH was far more involved with his stepdaughter than he ever was with them. From my incredibly biased perspective, that is true. 


I'll probably return to add more; that's all I have time to type right now. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Like mich from reading AITA and then my dad dating and having started living together with L for me the biggest thing has been just plain honesty, respect and transparency.

I am expected to respect her as his SO and there are boundaries I'm not allowed to cross. It is his life to lead and while he asks for my acceptance I don't get veto power.

He has listened to me and respects my boundaries and stepped back to allow me to adjust in my own way in my own time.

He has never tried to force us to have a relationship with each other beyond mutual respect.

I will say I'm sure being an adult VS a child does significantly change the dynamics but a common thread I read regarding blended families is don't force a parental bond let it happen naturally if it's going to and respect baby birds boundaries.

DH almost got punched because he kept calling L my new step-mom.

No she's not. She is L. Of course I respect her as my dad's partner. I expect my kids to and she has the right to enforce the rules of her house on them just as my parents did.

But I do not need or want another mother. My relationship with L is something new.

They respect that. DH learned real quick he better too.

[thyme4change]

No advice for blending families - but it is just as likely that the two girls may leave out the younger son. And that will ebb and flow. Your daughter won’t always be the one left out. And if she bonds with the younger - there may be times your GF daughter is left out.

I say that as a third child who was much younger than her two sisters who were close in age. I felt left out a lot - but recently the three of us were talking and my oldest sister felt really left out when my middle sister and I had some time together, and my middle sister still feels left out because she moved and we have had entire adulthoods with me and my oldest sister together and the middle sister out on an ice flow. Maybe not the greatest example - but two girls who are the same age and get along can easily form a sister relationship. Will there be times your daughter feels left out - sure, but that happens. If you were talking about adding her to twin boys that were 6 years older than her - I would be way more worried.

[zibazinski]

Jul 27, 2024 11:35:38 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

All I can say is to read AITA on Reddit as to what NOT to do!  there are truly some f’ed up stories as to how people have attempted to blend families.  

I usually hope that a lot of these stories are made up because they are so messed up.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 2, 2024 7:16:23 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Jul 27, 2024 11:35:38 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

All I can say is to read AITA on Reddit as to what NOT to do!  there are truly some f’ed up stories as to how people have attempted to blend families.  

I usually hope that a lot of these stories are made up because they are so messed up.

Me too, but they tend to be pretty good calling out fake accounts.  If even 1/4 are true, there are a LOT of people that f this up spectacularly, then don’t understand why kids go NC.

[Opti]

Jul 28, 2024 9:54:42 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Like mich from reading AITA and then my dad dating and having started living together with L for me the biggest thing has been just plain honesty, respect and transparency.

I am expected to respect her as his SO and there are boundaries I'm not allowed to cross. It is his life to lead and while he asks for my acceptance I don't get veto power.

He has listened to me and respects my boundaries and stepped back to allow me to adjust in my own way in my own time.

He has never tried to force us to have a relationship with each other beyond mutual respect.

I will say I'm sure being an adult VS a child does significantly change the dynamics but a common thread I read regarding blended families is don't force a parental bond let it happen naturally if it's going to and respect baby birds boundaries.

DH almost got punched because he kept calling L my new step-mom.

No she's not. She is L. Of course I respect her as my dad's partner. I expect my kids to and she has the right to enforce the rules of her house on them just as my parents did.

But I do not need or want another mother. My relationship with L is something new.

They respect that. DH learned real quick he better too.

Sorry DH wanted to be an AH re your relationship with L. Agree mutual respect is a great start.

[Firebird]

Wow!  Sorry y'all, I checked this thread for a couple of days and didn't find any responses, so I forgot about it.  Responses forthcoming! 

The only thing I can offer is to communicate often and to help ensure that everyone treats everyone like family as much as possible. Not "step-whatever" - just plain FAMILY. That may not always be easy, but it's all you can do.


This is definitely very important to both of us.  DGF thinks that the kids will have no problem thinking of Babybird as a sister when the time comes, which is great.  It would hurt me to hear them call her their step-sib. 

Mainly, openly share communication with each other and the kids. Also, keep a calendar posted for all to see and keep up with who is to go where when.


Ooh that's a great idea (Babybird's dad and I already have a shared family calendar which is super helpful, but I like the posting idea).  Great thoughts on questions to discuss too! 

DN3's stepson gets very upset when people refer to DN3 as his dad. He is especially sensitive about this because his dad died at a young age. He will most likely lose many of his memories of his dad.


At least this part shouldn't be too much of a sticky widget.  Since I'm not dating a man, there's no "other dad" in the picture for Babybird to navigate (I honestly think I'd feel super weird about bringing another dad into her life at this point).

I'm all for Babybird having as many parents in her life as possible, so I don't have any issue with her eventually calling her dad's new partner anything she wants to call her.  Even Mom would be fine.  I'm totally secure in my role as her mother, she can have as many bonus moms as she likes! 

For my daughters we have pretty much let them take the lead. And while not interested in sibling relationships, the youngest certainly likes doing things with them. The oldest is more comfortable with just one of his kids at a time, A's kids tend to bicker and purposely annoy each other a lot, which will stress my oldest out. She is also very caught up in entering the world of adulthood. I don't think any of the kids feel like a 3rd wheel or out of place.


This is basically how we've been doing it.  Lots of following cues from the kids and letting them set the pace.  Obviously that won't last forever, but we'll try to keep their needs and thoughts at the forefront. 

For us, DH is a completely equal and participating parent regarding the girls. This was not something we left up to the girls. I was not going to blend families and have a difference in levels of parenting with the girls. It was an all or nothing situation for me. However, I am not the boys' "mom". They were late teenagers when we started living together--DS#1 went to his freshman year of college, so he and I have never lived in the same house.


I think I can easily step into the "bonus mom" role with the 5yo, it feels very natural and easy with him and he's already saying he loves me.  The 10yo is also very fond of me and wanting to call me something (we haven't decided what yet) but I know from experience that it's not so easy to step into a bonus mom role with an older kiddo.  

I'm much stricter than DH. It took a bit to learn the balance there.


Can you say more about this?  It's something I'm very concerned about. 

No she's not. She is L. Of course I respect her as my dad's partner. I expect my kids to and she has the right to enforce the rules of her house on them just as my parents did.


This is something I feel me and DGF both do really well (Babybird's dad too) - we constantly affirm to all the kids how important their relationships are with their parents and that no one is trying to take anyone's place.  

One thing I know for absolute sure, this whole dynamic doesn't work if people's egos take the fore.  You have to have a certain kind of mentality about other people being important in your kids' lives that I know doesn't come naturally to everybody. 

No advice for blending families - but it is just as likely that the two girls may leave out the younger son. And that will ebb and flow. Your daughter won’t always be the one left out. And if she bonds with the younger - there may be times your GF daughter is left out.


Funnily enough, @thymeforchange, I was thinking about you when I wrote this post.  What you've shared about being left out with your two older siblings has been very much on my mind as I've moved into this whole thing.  

Right now, the little guy adores having two big "sisters" and they dote on him, but you're right - that could change.  And if Babybird and him continue to bond, it's possible DGF's daughter might feel shut out when she's been looking after her baby brother all his life. 

Lots of potential for drama!  That's for sure! 

[Firebird]

I think the thing that worries me most about taking this on is the fact that I always said (as many of you know from me saying it here) that I could never be a stepmother.  I had really good, solid reasons for thinking that even before our five years of parenting DN ended traumatically and terribly a couple of years ago. 

This has NOTHING to do with the kids.  I love Denise like my own child - always have, still do (and the aforementioned traumatic and terrible situation is not something I hold against her in the slightest).  I can easily (and in some ways already do) love DGF's kids.  I've completely adjusted to the idea that when you take on kids who are not your own, YOU will love those babies like your own babies but THEY will never love YOU in quite the same way as they do their natural parents.  It doesn't diminish the bonds that you CAN build together, as long as you go in understanding that and not expecting to ever be 100% treated like a parent in their eyes.  

So that's not the problem for me.  I love the idea of us as a family and I think it could be really beautiful.  If I'm honest, it's the idea of coparenting - again - with someone who resists and resents me that's holding me back.  I've been concerned about this from the moment it all started with DGF.  Babybird's dad is so supportive of our relationship, totally willing to engage with DGF and have her on "the team."  He's been that way since the day he found out about us.

DGF's ex... not so much.  I've been down that road before with a kid's "real" parent and it sucks.  So that's a bit touchy for me because it's not DGF's fault or the kids' fault or my fault, and none of us have the power to change it.  

I don't think this will stop me from proceeding, but it certainly gives me pause. Hopefully in time it can get better. 

[geenamercile]

I disagree with this part "THEY will never love YOU in quite the same way as they do their natural parents. It doesn't diminish the bonds that you CAN build together, as long as you go in understanding that and not expecting to ever be 100% treated like a parent in their eyes."

As a kid who was raised by her parents, her aunt and uncle, and her grandmother I disagree with this.  While my relationship with my mom and aunt is different, that is because they are different people.  My relationship with my mom and dad was different too.  This is based on some assumption with what I think you mean by "treated like a parent,"  IF both my aunt and my mom needed me at the same time, my aunt would have my attention and support first.  She is the one I share things with first, trust with my emotional safety first.  She is the one I would listen to advice first, she is the one I model being a mom after to my daughters or Allen kids, and her influence can be seen in my teaching as well.     

[Firebird]

Aug 6, 2024 17:04:08 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

I disagree with this part "THEY will never love YOU in quite the same way as they do their natural parents. It doesn't diminish the bonds that you CAN build together, as long as you go in understanding that and not expecting to ever be 100% treated like a parent in their eyes."

As a kid who was raised by her parents, her aunt and uncle, and her grandmother I disagree with this.  While my relationship with my mom and aunt is different, that is because they are different people.  My relationship with my mom and dad was different too.  This is based on some assumption with what I think you mean by "treated like a parent,"  IF both my aunt and my mom needed me at the same time, my aunt would have my attention and support first.  She is the one I share things with first, trust with my emotional safety first.  She is the one I would listen to advice first, she is the one I model being a mom after to my daughters or Allen kids, and her influence can be seen in my teaching as well.     

I'm glad you feel this way about your aunt. I wish DN felt that way about me.

In general, I think kids just need their bio-parents - whether they realize how much or not. Other people sometimes just get in the way, no matter how well intentioned.

[TheOtherMe]

At this stage in DN1's life (he is a grown man with his own family), I have become his mother figure as he has realized his mother's personality.  She is not able to accept his wife and can not hide her disdain for her in their presence.  

Now that they are spending their summer vacation in Switzerland, I see very few visits to the farm of his parents in their future.  

He confides in me and I confide in him.  I have become the grandma figure in their son's life.  Sometimes he wants to Facetime and all he wants is for me to watch him play.  

Sister is able to control her other 3 children but this one has always had a mind of his own and she is not able to control him.

I don't think control is love.

[jerseygirl]

I’m in Sonoma with 6 family . ODS and wife live here. Went out for Mexican food and margaritas last night yummy! Going to redwood forest today.
One grandson and wife couldn’t get on flight from lax to Sonoma with us. TSA wouldn’t let GS through safety since his boarding pass had mis spelled name
…..ly instead of …. ley
So had to get another $$ flight then Uber .
Oh well here now. They had been in Spain and France for 2 weeks so will have serious jet lag, but they’re young!!
Very beautiful here!