Is this enough if I die when my kids are still minors?

[Sunnyday]

Hi

I just got a fire in my belly to write anything down in case I die.  A handwritten will is okay where I live, as long as I handwrite it and sign it. Yes, it will still have to go to probate, but at least I get that covered.

Eventually, I will get everything legalized, but here it goes for now.

Money to my children's father in one lump sum.  
8,740 per child
2 children
2% increase for inflation every year.

If I die at any point in 2024 (including Dec 31), the ex gets lump sum of 140k
If I die at any point in 2025 (including Dec 31), the ex gets lump sum of 124,950
And so on....


2024 - 140,000
2025 - 124,950
2026 -  107,100
2027  - 89,250
2028 -  71,400
2029 - 53,550
2030 - 35,700
2031 - 17,850
2032 -  8925

I feel like this is more than generous.  What do you think? Any thoughts?
Everything else will be put in a trust for when the kids hit 27?  I think brains stop developing around 25. ....

[jerseygirl]

Do you expect this money will be spent by Ex for the children? If so need to have specifics

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

What happens if your ex remarries?  I'd probably look for a third party to dole out money for your kids.

[billisonboard]

Feb 20, 2024 18:28:24 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

What happens if your ex remarries?  I'd probably look for a third party to dole out money for your kids.

Setting up a third party would send a strong message about how you view your children's father. The day would come that the kids hear that message. Will they be glad you did or think less of you?

[minnesotapaintlady]

Feb 20, 2024 19:32:49 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Feb 20, 2024 18:28:24 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

What happens if your ex remarries?  I'd probably look for a third party to dole out money for your kids.

Setting up a third party would send a strong message about how you view your children's father. The day would come that the kids hear that message. Will they be glad you did or think less of you?

Uh...my ex is horrible with money and I have no problem telling my son that!  If I kicked over before he turns 18 his half of all the inheritance goes into a trust that my BIL (ex's brother that is an attorney) doles out.  It's pretty common advice to have someone else manage the money on behalf of the kids because even if they were responsible with money, a new spouse could really gum up the works.

[Pink Cashmere]

IIRC, you live in Canada? Whether I recall correctly or not, even in the US, where I live, a lot of laws about things like this, can vary, depending on what state you live in. 

Anyway, when I first got hired at my current job, my children were very young. At the time, my biggest concern about beneficiaries, was the life insurance policy I had access to through my job, where it didn’t cost much to spend a little money to add to the basic policy they paid for, and increase it to 5 times my salary.

At the time, I made my Mom and my children, equal beneficiaries. My Mom is horrible with money, but I trusted her to try to raise my children if something happened to me, so she was a beneficiary, to provide money for her to do that if she needed to. My ex husband was not being a good Dad to our children, and I trusted my Mom more than I trusted him, to take care of my children if I died. 

It was explained to me at the time, that if we made minor children our beneficiaries, nobody could take that money from them, or try to control it for them if I died. It would be their money, point blank period. But it’s  been so long ago that I don’t remember all the details exactly, it just seems like I remember that they wouldn’t have had access to it until they were at least 18yo.

Where I live, anything that I have not specifically named beneficiaries on, automatically goes to my children as my legal heirs. They are adults now though, and not minors, so I don’t know what the laws here say about minor children being legal heirs.

Your ex-husband must be proving himself to be a good father, regardless of the divorce, for you to consider leaving money to him if something happens to you. That’s not a knock, I actually hope it’s true that him being a good Dad is not tied to his relationship with you, or lack of. If my ex husband had continued to be a good Dad to our children after we divorced, I would’ve entertained the thought of making him a beneficiary IRT to who I thought would be willing to finish raising my children and do right by them if something happened to me, instead of my Mom. He may or may not be more financially responsible than my Mom, idk. But I do know that he did not try to help support them financially after we separated, despite court orders that he do so. And I know that he was not present in their lives, pretty much at all, while I was raising them by myself. My Mom has never been good with money, but she has always been present, and a consistent part of my children’s lives. These days, she is problematic in some ways for ME, but I’d be lying if I said I couldn’t count on her to be there for me and my children, ALWAYS. From the day she learned I was pregnant with my oldest child, she’s been there for us. No questions asked, and no ifs, ands or buts about it, she has always been there for me and my children. Unfortunately, I can’t honestly say that my children’s Dad has always been there for them after we separated, in any way. 

Even with my grandchildren, she is a more consistent presence in their lives, than their Grandfather is. Because she genuinely wants them to be around her, whenever it’s possible. He just spends time with them when it works for him, once every few months or so. 

So I think I chose wisely at the time, for my situation. But my situation is not yours. 

[debthaven]

I live in France ... the laws are probably closer to Canada's than the US's. 

You NEED to do a will, but you know that. 

I'm not sure why you're being so generous with your ex ... they're his kids too!!! Personally, I'd leave less to him, and more to your kids (but possibly later, as you say). Later can begin with college tuition.

You also need somebody who will look out ONLY for your kids ... not your ex, not his new GF or new wife or anyone with kids who might be interested in taking advantage of YOUR money.

We are sort of a blended family ... I had 3 kids when DH and I got together, then we had one together. My fourth kid is DH's first/only kid.

DH and I have a prenup. We went back to the lawyer several times to update our wills. When we first married, DS3 was very little. If something had happened to us, he would have gone to the UK to be raised by DH's cousin (who is like a brother to DH) and his wife. (Obviously we cleared that with them first!)

Suddenly DS3 was in MS, and we realized that per our wills, he'd still be shipped off to the UK if anything happened to us! By then my older kids were young adults, so we redid our wills to give DS1 and DS2 guardianship of DS3, and access to money to ensure that.

We redid our wills a third time when DS3 turned 18 and went off to college, knowing that he would be going to graduate school.

DS3 is now done with graduate school, and working. He's financially independent. We need to redo our wills yet again to reflect that. It's on my list LOL. 

I know that these details don't apply to you ... my point is, this is NOT something that you can just "set and forget". It's GREAT that you're thinking of this, but IMO, you'll need to revisit this every few years until your children are older/adults/in college/in grad school/financially independent.

Having been through what you are going through, I think you are doing phenomenally well!!!

Best of luck to you!

PS I really do think you're being much too generous with your ex ... You want to ensure that YOUR money goes to your KIDS. I'm guessing your ex isn't worrying about this ... at all.

That's a good point that our lawyer brought up ... ideally, things like this should be reciprocal, unless there's a good reason for it not to be. Is your ex planning to do the same, if HE goes first?! (I'm guessing not, but I could be wrong!)

[TheOtherMe]

When I bought my first house, I was told I should have a will.  I didn't really see why because I have no children, but I got one and I have had one ever since.

That first will left my money to my parents.  They were not elderly in my eyes at that point.

When I did decide they were to old, I left everything to my sister.  After she had kids, I made a new will that included her children.

Now last winter, I did what I think is my last will.  My sister is no longer mentioned.  If there is anything left, it will go to her kids and their kids if they have passed.

I always make provisions for my cats, too.

[Sunnyday]

Feb 20, 2024 20:00:04 GMT -5 debthaven said:

I live in France ... the laws are probably closer to Canada's than the US's. 

You NEED to do a will, but you know that. 

I'm not sure why you're being so generous with your ex ... they're his kids too!!! Personally, I'd leave less to him, and more to your kids (but possibly later, as you say). Later can begin with college tuition.

You also need somebody who will look out ONLY for your kids ... not your ex, not his new GF or new wife or anyone with kids who might be interested in taking advantage of YOUR money.

We are sort of a blended family ... I had 3 kids when DH and I got together, then we had one together. My fourth kid is DH's first/only kid.

DH and I have a prenup. We went back to the lawyer several times to update our wills. When we first married, DS3 was very little. If something had happened to us, he would have gone to the UK to be raised by DH's cousin (who is like a brother to DH) and his wife. (Obviously we cleared that with them first!)

Suddenly DS3 was in MS, and we realized that per our wills, he'd still be shipped off to the UK if anything happened to us! By then my older kids were young adults, so we redid our wills to give DS1 and DS2 guardianship of DS3, and access to money to ensure that.

We redid our wills a third time when DS3 turned 18 and went off to college, knowing that he would be going to graduate school.

DS3 is now done with graduate school, and working. He's financially independent. We need to redo our wills yet again to reflect that. It's on my list LOL. 

I know that these details don't apply to you ... my point is, this is NOT something that you can just "set and forget". It's GREAT that you're thinking of this, but IMO, you'll need to revisit this every few years until your children are adults/in college/in grad school/financially independent.

Having been through what you are going through, I think you are doing phenomenally well!!!

Best of luck to you!

PS I really do think you're being much too generous with your ex ... You want to ensure that money goes to your kids. I'm guessing your ex isn't worrying about this like you are ... at all.

That's a good point that our lawyer brought up ... ideally, things like this should be reciprocal, unless there's a good reason for it not to be. Is your ex planning to do this too, in case HE goes first?! (I'm guessing not, but I could be wrong!)

I have the children 50% of the time, and the child support I get is very minimal (it's like 100/month) because our salaries are too similar. If I was to kick the bucket, all the costs would go to him. I need to take care of my children even in death.

I estimated how much I'm paying for the kids and using some "google estimates" on how much it would be to cover my cost of the children (food, vacation, private tuition).  But that cost is till an estimate... I wanted to be generous but not excessive.

I believe that giving him a lump sum allows him the freedom to invest the money and let it grow, which will mean more money to take care of the children's needs until they reach adulthood.

I plan that nothing else will go to him. In fact, I will make sure it doesn't. I trust that he will take care of his kids.  If that money alleviates the financial burden of raising 2 kids alone and allows him to spend a little on vacations with his future (current, who knows?) girlfriend, then he can do that with my blessing. Happy dad means happy children.

I agreed with him that if either one of us dies, his parents will get the children, and I would offer the same lump sum to his parents.

If his parents cannot, his siblings, if they are willing, can take care of them, but since they are not very financially savvy, they would get a yearly allowance for child care. I easily spend 400/month on food for them, and I only have them 50% of the time.  That is 4800/a year on food alone for 2 kids.

I doubt that my ex will do the same for me, but I don't care. 

Also, you mentioned that you thought I was too generous, you think that 8,750/per child/per year is too much? I got estimates of 10-15 K per child/per year.  I don't have the breakdown of what that would be, but with tuition, dental work, food, etc.. I was thinking that would be about right. 

But you're right, I need to revise every couple of years... Things change, people change.

[Sunnyday]

Feb 20, 2024 19:45:52 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

IIRC, you live in Canada? Whether I recall correctly or not, even in the US, where I live, a lot of laws about things like this, can vary, depending on what state you live in. 

Anyway, when I first got hired at my current job, my children were very young. At the time, my biggest concern about beneficiaries, was the life insurance policy I had access to through my job, where it didn’t cost much to spend a little money to add to the basic policy they paid for, and increase it to 5 times my salary.

At the time, I made my Mom and my children, equal beneficiaries. My Mom is horrible with money, but I trusted her to try to raise my children if something happened to me, so she was a beneficiary, to provide money for her to do that if she needed to. My ex husband was not being a good Dad to our children, and I trusted my Mom more than I trusted him, to take care of my children if I died. 

It was explained to me at the time, that if we made minor children our beneficiaries, nobody could take that money from them, or try to control it for them if I died. It would be their money, point blank period. But it’s  been so long ago that I don’t remember all the details exactly, it just seems like I remember that they wouldn’t have had access to it until they were at least 18yo.

Where I live, anything that I have not specifically named beneficiaries on, automatically goes to my children as my legal heirs. They are adults now though, and not minors, so I don’t know what the laws here say about minor children being legal heirs.

Your ex-husband must be proving himself to be a good father, regardless of the divorce, for you to consider leaving money to him if something happens to you. That’s not a knock, I actually hope it’s true that him being a good Dad is not tied to his relationship with you, or lack of. If my ex husband had continued to be a good Dad to our children after we divorced, I would’ve entertained the thought of making him a beneficiary IRT to who I thought would be willing to finish raising my children and do right by them if something happened to me, instead of my Mom. He may or may not be more financially responsible than my Mom, idk. But I do know that he did not try to help support them financially after we separated, despite court orders that he do so. And I know that he was not present in their lives, pretty much at all, while I was raising them by myself. My Mom has never been good with money, but she has always been present, and a consistent part of my children’s lives. These days, she is problematic in some ways for ME, but I’d be lying if I said I couldn’t count on her to be there for me and my children, ALWAYS. From the day she learned I was pregnant with my oldest child, she’s been there for us. No questions asked, and no ifs, ands or buts about it, she has always been there for me and my children. Unfortunately, I can’t honestly say that my children’s Dad has always been there for them after we separated, in any way. 

Even with my grandchildren, she is a more consistent presence in their lives, than their Grandfather is. Because she genuinely wants them to be around her, whenever it’s possible. He just spends time with them when it works for him, once every few months or so. 

So I think I chose wisely at the time, for my situation. But my situation is not yours. 

I don't have parents, and my only remaining sibling doesn't speak French.  My sibling will be "the person who closes out my estate," sorry, can't remember the name for that, but my sibling cannot be responsible for the continued responsibility for ensuring the money goes to my ex. 

The ex is a good father.  In fact, I think that he's the better parent. He's more patient and fun than I am.  He has always been involved in their school and activities. He is stable and reliable. 

However, the money isn't for him. It's my share of the financial costs of raising our children if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I believe wholeheartedly that is how he will use the money. He is frugal and manages his money well.  I'm not worried. I guess I'm only worried about if what I'm offering is enough, plus a little generous, without being too generous.

[debthaven]

But you're right, I need to revise every couple of years... Things change, people change.

You really do ... he may not "turn", but his GF/second wife may. 

I believe that giving him a lump sum allows him the freedom to invest the money and let it grow, which will mean more money to take care of the children's needs until they reach adulthood.

*I* believe that that lump sum to be invested should be given to someone who ONLY has your children's interest at heart. And NOT to somebody who might need to access that money rather than invest it. 

But I'm from NY and I was raised not to trust anyone LOL.

You say that "nothing else will go to him" ... yet you're giving him access to a LOT of money!

If he's above board, I don't see the problem with somebody else administering the access to that money. 

Personally, if I were divorcing this person, I would NOT trust them with what I was giving to/leaving my kids. Because I wouldn't trust them.

Obviously it's your call, but I worry that you're being naive about it.

[Sunnyday]

Feb 20, 2024 21:49:56 GMT -5 debthaven said:

But you're right, I need to revise every couple of years... Things change, people change.

You really do ... he may not "turn", but his GF/second wife may. 

I believe that giving him a lump sum allows him the freedom to invest the money and let it grow, which will mean more money to take care of the children's needs until they reach adulthood.

*I* believe that that lump sum to be invested should be given to someone who ONLY has your children's interest at heart. And NOT to somebody who might need to access that money rather than invest it. 

But I'm from NY and I was raised not to trust anyone LOL.

You say that "nothing else will go to him" ... yet you're giving him access to a LOT of money!

If he's above board, I don't see the problem with somebody else administering the access to that money. 

Personally, if I were divorcing this person, I would NOT trust them with what I was giving to/leaving my kids. Because I wouldn't trust them.

Obviously it's your call, but I worry that you're being naive about it.

I might be.. I didn't think that he would do what he did in the divorce settlement, but he did.

I just don't have anyone to dole out the money. I'll sleep on it.

[debthaven]

The word you're looking for is "executor".

[debthaven]

I didn't think that he would do what he did in the divorce settlement, but he did.

And there you go.

To me, you know everything you need to know about this person and how much you can trust them going forward. 

[Sunnyday]

I edited my first reply back to debt haven, so my comment might have gotten lost.  I wanted some feedback on the amount. She mentioned that it was too much


Is 8,750/per child/per year too much? I got estimates of 10-15 K per child/per year. I don't have the breakdown of what that would be, but with tuition, dental work, food, etc.. I was thinking that would be about right. I easily spend 400/month on food for them, and I only have them 50% of the time. That is 4800/a year on food alone for 2 kids.

Is there a calculator out there? We wouldn't have to take into account housing as that cost would not change for my ex.

It would be everything else (food now that he would have them 100%, tuition that he will have to take care of at 100%, clothes at 100%, activities, sports, braces).  Currently, I split tuition, activities, sports and other extra expenses.

[debthaven]

You're overthinking this. Just calculate 50% and call it good. 

And don't worry too much about your ex. Statistically, he's unlikely to be on his own for long.

[Sunnyday]

Feb 20, 2024 22:00:10 GMT -5 debthaven said:

The word you're looking for is "executor".

Haha, yes, that is it!  We call them here, "les liquidateurs."  Liquidators and executors, such morbid language, which in this case, would be very fitting.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Feb 20, 2024 21:59:38 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Feb 20, 2024 21:49:56 GMT -5 debthaven said:

But you're right, I need to revise every couple of years... Things change, people change.

You really do ... he may not "turn", but his GF/second wife may. 

I believe that giving him a lump sum allows him the freedom to invest the money and let it grow, which will mean more money to take care of the children's needs until they reach adulthood.

*I* believe that that lump sum to be invested should be given to someone who ONLY has your children's interest at heart. And NOT to somebody who might need to access that money rather than invest it. 

But I'm from NY and I was raised not to trust anyone LOL.

You say that "nothing else will go to him" ... yet you're giving him access to a LOT of money!

If he's above board, I don't see the problem with somebody else administering the access to that money. 

Personally, if I were divorcing this person, I would NOT trust them with what I was giving to/leaving my kids. Because I wouldn't trust them.

Obviously it's your call, but I worry that you're being naive about it.

I might be.. I didn't think that he would do what he did in the divorce settlement, but he did.

I just don't have anyone to dole out the money. I'll sleep on it.

yeah....read around amitheasshole on redit about inheritances of a deceased parent and 'sharing' with new step siblings or half siblings.

you will buckle up this money if u do!!

[giramomma]

How old are your kids?

I don't think 8K is too much.

To put it in perspective, though, when my oldest had braces, we spent 8K, out of pocket over a couple of years.

So, it sounds like a lot, and it can go fast.

I don't know how expensive it is is for a kid to get a drivers' license. 

DS is 19 and paying 1200 a year for insurance on a truck that is just about his age. Right now, JUST taking all the classes to take the test is running like $700 for DD1. Plus then insurance. 

I don't know the activities.

Music is an expensive activity. Without camps, just lessons and say youth orchestra, you are looking at over a 2K outlay a year. And that's not including extra costs of gas for shuttling kids around and what not. I just looked up a summer camp I went to. It's up to 8K or so for the summer.

And I would think nothing of having someone else dole out the money. If DH and I go, BIL/SIL get the kids. They absolutely love the kids. And they are spenders. We're likely in a better financial position than they are, despite having twice the number of kids and half the income. Some of the money would absolutely go to services that would make their lives easier, like house cleaners, lawn care, etc.  And that is a hard no for me. 

[Sunnyday]

Feb 21, 2024 9:45:10 GMT -5 giramomma said:

How old are your kids?

I don't think 8K is too much.

To put it in perspective, though, when my oldest had braces, we spent 8K, out of pocket over a couple of years.

So, it sounds like a lot, and it can go fast.

I don't know how expensive it is is for a kid to get a drivers' license. 

DS is 19 and paying 1200 a year for insurance on a truck that is just about his age. Right now, JUST taking all the classes to take the test is running like $700 for DD1. Plus then insurance. 

I don't know the activities.

Music is an expensive activity. Without camps, just lessons and say youth orchestra, you are looking at over a 2K outlay a year. And that's not including extra costs of gas for shuttling kids around and what not. I just looked up a summer camp I went to. It's up to 8K or so for the summer.

And I would think nothing of having someone else dole out the money. If DH and I go, BIL/SIL get the kids. They absolutely love the kids. And they are spenders. We're likely in a better financial position than they are, despite having twice the number of kids and half the income. Some of the money would absolutely go to services that would make their lives easier, like house cleaners, lawn care, etc.  And that is a hard no for me. 

Thanks for the confirmation, I was thinking the amount was a good amount, they are both pre-teens, so more food, braces and clothes are definitely in their future. Generous with not too much extra fluff.

I wouldn't mind if my ex used it to make his life easier. Anything that freed up his bandwidth to show up for the kids would be a good thing.

If he died, it would be very hard on me. I would have 2 children in grief and honestly I would be in grief as well. Anything to make my life easier to keep moving forward for my kids, I would probably spend it.  When I was really sad after the separation, I overspent on UberEats.  I'm kicking myself now for it, but it got me through the day when getting out of bed was a win.

I determined that debt haven was right. I am being naive. He has shown me who he is, and I need to make sure that money intended for the children is protected. 

Any advice on finding someone who can do that? I have no family here and no close friends.  I have 2 good friends, one is actually someone who lacks all common sense, so I can't trust her to do it. I have another one, but I'm not that close, and it would be a really big ask. Is there a professional person who can do that?

[Sunnyday]

I'm going to do my best to not to die. That is the ultimate plan!  

[TheOtherMe]

In the US, banks will do this for a fee.

[swamp]

Feb 20, 2024 17:01:20 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Hi

I just got a fire in my belly to write anything down in case I die.  A handwritten will is okay where I live, as long as I handwrite it and sign it. Yes, it will still have to go to probate, but at least I get that covered.

Eventually, I will get everything legalized, but here it goes for now.

Money to my children's father in one lump sum.  
8,740 per child
2 children
2% increase for inflation every year.

If I die at any point in 2024 (including Dec 31), the ex gets lump sum of 140k
If I die at any point in 2025 (including Dec 31), the ex gets lump sum of 124,950
And so on....


2024 - 140,000
2025 - 124,950
2026 -  107,100
2027  - 89,250
2028 -  71,400
2029 - 53,550
2030 - 35,700
2031 - 17,850
2032 -  8925

I feel like this is more than generous.  What do you think? Any thoughts?
Everything else will be put in a trust for when the kids hit 27?  I think brains stop developing around 25. ....

Don't forget your kids will get social security benefits until they are 18. 

[raeoflyte]

Assuming there's enough money, funds to make the care taker's life easier was included on our list the last time we figured out life insurance money.  That was a life time ago, so I need to sit down and figure out if there's still "enough" money slated out.  Losing a parent is so difficult and from what I've seen that its so rare to get through that and be a functioning adult.  I'd like for my assets to lift the burden on things like chaufeuring, housekeeping, lawn care, etc, so that they can focus on the kids and what they need - again with the caveat that there is enough already to meet the kids needs and keep them in their activities, provide therapy, and college funds.  I'm not even sure who we'd ask to take the kids anymore so I guess I should think on that.  

You can leave a life insurance policy directly to your ex or his parents for that purpose and then leave the funds ear marked specifically for the kids in the care of someone else.  Would the ex's parents be an option on that front?  I'm thinking of my parents and they would never use money meant for my kids for any other purpose.  

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Feb 21, 2024 10:54:33 GMT -5 swamp said:

Feb 20, 2024 17:01:20 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Hi

I just got a fire in my belly to write anything down in case I die.  A handwritten will is okay where I live, as long as I handwrite it and sign it. Yes, it will still have to go to probate, but at least I get that covered.

Eventually, I will get everything legalized, but here it goes for now.

Money to my children's father in one lump sum.  
8,740 per child
2 children
2% increase for inflation every year.

If I die at any point in 2024 (including Dec 31), the ex gets lump sum of 140k
If I die at any point in 2025 (including Dec 31), the ex gets lump sum of 124,950
And so on....


2024 - 140,000
2025 - 124,950
2026 -  107,100
2027  - 89,250
2028 -  71,400
2029 - 53,550
2030 - 35,700
2031 - 17,850
2032 -  8925

I feel like this is more than generous.  What do you think? Any thoughts?
Everything else will be put in a trust for when the kids hit 27?  I think brains stop developing around 25. ....

Don't forget your kids will get social security benefits until they are 18. 

She’s Canadian.  Do they have the equivalent there?

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Feb 21, 2024 11:42:16 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Assuming there's enough money, funds to make the care taker's life easier was included on our list the last time we figured out life insurance money.  That was a life time ago, so I need to sit down and figure out if there's still "enough" money slated out.  Losing a parent is so difficult and from what I've seen that its so rare to get through that and be a functioning adult.  I'd like for my assets to lift the burden on things like chaufeuring, housekeeping, lawn care, etc, so that they can focus on the kids and what they need - again with the caveat that there is enough already to meet the kids needs and keep them in their activities, provide therapy, and college funds.  I'm not even sure who we'd ask to take the kids anymore so I guess I should think on that.  

You can leave a life insurance policy directly to your ex or his parents for that purpose and then leave the funds ear marked specifically for the kids in the care of someone else.  Would the ex's parents be an option on that front?  I'm thinking of my parents and they would never use money meant for my kids for any other purpose.  

But if you think about this from the X's parents perspective - if he has more children in a second marriage - they are just as much their grandchildren as your children are - and that is where the conflict of interest comes into play. 

That is what makes Sunny's situation difficult to navigate I think. And that is putting aside any incentive to use for other things - like a car or vacation or whatever.

Or maybe a new 5 bdroom house - because it's for the "family" but the family now includes 2 step siblings and 2 half siblings and everything is going to be split equally among them.

If Sunny trusts the X to be fair-handed in that event, maybe that is ok that it gets split across all siblings. But what if her kids resent the new step mom? What if the father favors his younger children because there isn't any resentment or baggage involved and they aren't as aware of his flaws? And then down the line Sunny's kids become estranged from them in young adulthood and in the 30's all the money goes to the other kids? It can happen. It happened in my family! My cousin wasn't even allowed by step mother to have her parents wedding pictures after her father died - and everything that her parent built over 30 years went to her stepmother, and eventually to step siblings after an 18 month marriage in which her father was alienated from his own children and then died.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Feb 21, 2024 12:37:27 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Feb 21, 2024 10:54:33 GMT -5 swamp said:

Don't forget your kids will get social security benefits until they are 18. 

She’s Canadian.  Do they have the equivalent there?

They do, but it doesn't sound like it's nearly as much.

In the event of your death, each child will be entitled to a monthly allowance equal to 10% of the pension benefit you would have received before age 65 (calculated before any applicable reduction) or 20% if you have no eligible survivor. The child allowance is payable until he/she reaches age 18 (age 25, if the child is a student and meets the eligibility criteria of a child).

The maximum allowance for all children combined is the equivalent of four children’s benefits (40% of your unreduced pension, or 80% if there are dependant children but no spouse eligible for a survivor benefit). If there are more than four eligible children, the maximum combined amount is divided equally among the children.

The child allowance is payable immediately, regardless of whether you die during employment or retirement. Normally it is paid to the survivor. If the children are not living with the survivor, the children’s allowance is paid to the person responsible for their custody. Allowances for children over 18 are normally paid directly to them.

SS survivor benefits are 75% of the parents full retirement age benefit.  There's a max family, but it's almost double the parents full benefit. Canada has the possibility to receive it until 25 though.  SS stops at 18.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Feb 21, 2024 12:58:11 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Feb 21, 2024 11:42:16 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Assuming there's enough money, funds to make the care taker's life easier was included on our list the last time we figured out life insurance money.  That was a life time ago, so I need to sit down and figure out if there's still "enough" money slated out.  Losing a parent is so difficult and from what I've seen that its so rare to get through that and be a functioning adult.  I'd like for my assets to lift the burden on things like chaufeuring, housekeeping, lawn care, etc, so that they can focus on the kids and what they need - again with the caveat that there is enough already to meet the kids needs and keep them in their activities, provide therapy, and college funds.  I'm not even sure who we'd ask to take the kids anymore so I guess I should think on that.  

You can leave a life insurance policy directly to your ex or his parents for that purpose and then leave the funds ear marked specifically for the kids in the care of someone else.  Would the ex's parents be an option on that front?  I'm thinking of my parents and they would never use money meant for my kids for any other purpose.  

But if you think about this from the X's parents perspective - if he has more children in a second marriage - they are just as much their grandchildren as your children are - and that is where the conflict of interest comes into play. 

That is what makes Sunny's situation difficult to navigate I think. And that is putting aside any incentive to use for other things - like a car or vacation or whatever.

Or maybe a new 5 bdroom house - because it's for the "family" but the family now includes 2 step siblings and 2 half siblings and everything is going to be split equally among them.

If Sunny trusts the X to be fair-handed in that event, maybe that is ok that it gets split across all siblings. But what if her kids resent the new step mom? What if the father favors his younger children because there isn't any resentment or baggage involved and they aren't as aware of his flaws? And then down the line Sunny's kids become estranged from them in young adulthood and in the 30's all the money goes to the other kids? It can happen. It happened in my family! My cousin wasn't even allowed by step mother to have her parents wedding pictures after her father died - and everything that her parent built over 30 years went to her stepmother, and eventually to step siblings after an 18 month marriage in which her father was alienated from his own children and then died.

Or if there is a 2nd divorce and stepmom gets half of Sunny's kid's money in the settlement.  Yeah, there are ways to prevent that from happening if Ex sets things up right before he remarries and doesn't comingle funds. But if he doesn't takes those steps?

[raeoflyte]

Feb 21, 2024 12:58:11 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Feb 21, 2024 11:42:16 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Assuming there's enough money, funds to make the care taker's life easier was included on our list the last time we figured out life insurance money.  That was a life time ago, so I need to sit down and figure out if there's still "enough" money slated out.  Losing a parent is so difficult and from what I've seen that its so rare to get through that and be a functioning adult.  I'd like for my assets to lift the burden on things like chaufeuring, housekeeping, lawn care, etc, so that they can focus on the kids and what they need - again with the caveat that there is enough already to meet the kids needs and keep them in their activities, provide therapy, and college funds.  I'm not even sure who we'd ask to take the kids anymore so I guess I should think on that.  

You can leave a life insurance policy directly to your ex or his parents for that purpose and then leave the funds ear marked specifically for the kids in the care of someone else.  Would the ex's parents be an option on that front?  I'm thinking of my parents and they would never use money meant for my kids for any other purpose.  

But if you think about this from the X's parents perspective - if he has more children in a second marriage - they are just as much their grandchildren as your children are - and that is where the conflict of interest comes into play. 

That is what makes Sunny's situation difficult to navigate I think. And that is putting aside any incentive to use for other things - like a car or vacation or whatever.

Or maybe a new 5 bdroom house - because it's for the "family" but the family now includes 2 step siblings and 2 half siblings and everything is going to be split equally among them.

If Sunny trusts the X to be fair-handed in that event, maybe that is ok that it gets split across all siblings. But what if her kids resent the new step mom? What if the father favors his younger children because there isn't any resentment or baggage involved and they aren't as aware of his flaws? And then down the line Sunny's kids become estranged from them in young adulthood and in the 30's all the money goes to the other kids? It can happen. It happened in my family! My cousin wasn't even allowed by step mother to have her parents wedding pictures after her father died - and everything that her parent built over 30 years went to her stepmother, and eventually to step siblings after an 18 month marriage in which her father was alienated from his own children and then died.

That's a good point.  My parents still wouldn't mix funds.  But if there is any concern for that they would I would go with a 3rd party. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

Feb 21, 2024 13:20:30 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Feb 21, 2024 12:58:11 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

But if you think about this from the X's parents perspective - if he has more children in a second marriage - they are just as much their grandchildren as your children are - and that is where the conflict of interest comes into play. 

That is what makes Sunny's situation difficult to navigate I think. And that is putting aside any incentive to use for other things - like a car or vacation or whatever.

Or maybe a new 5 bdroom house - because it's for the "family" but the family now includes 2 step siblings and 2 half siblings and everything is going to be split equally among them.

If Sunny trusts the X to be fair-handed in that event, maybe that is ok that it gets split across all siblings. But what if her kids resent the new step mom? What if the father favors his younger children because there isn't any resentment or baggage involved and they aren't as aware of his flaws? And then down the line Sunny's kids become estranged from them in young adulthood and in the 30's all the money goes to the other kids? It can happen. It happened in my family! My cousin wasn't even allowed by step mother to have her parents wedding pictures after her father died - and everything that her parent built over 30 years went to her stepmother, and eventually to step siblings after an 18 month marriage in which her father was alienated from his own children and then died.

That's a good point.  My parents still wouldn't mix funds.  But if there is any concern for that they would I would go with a 3rd party. 

I would still leave the money to the kids in their names though, with your parents as the custodians instead of directly leaving it to them. Just in case there is a Medicaid spend down situation ever.