Post-Divorce Financial Picture

[Firebird]

Howdy, old friends! 

As you may have seen from my last thread, I'm approximately five months post-divorce.  Things are going really well with my daughter's dad, we're very close in a new way that's working really well for us and I personally think we're both doing better in some ways.  We still hang out as a family on special occasion (took her on road trips together for Thanksgiving and Christmas, etc.) and Babybird is doing really well overall.  I'm dating an incredible woman who I love very much, her oldest kiddo is a friend of Babybird's (that's actually how we met).  The kids know we're together now and after a brief adjustment period, that's all falling into place nicely.  They all get along great.  

That's the personal update, but I think it's a good time for a financial checkup!  Took me awhile to straighten all this out, had to separate accounts with FDH and whatnot.  Here's the new situation - I'm primarily looking for any advice other divorced folks have about financial life on the other side.  I feel pretty good about the overall picture, but I'm still adjusting to being in full control of the budget/spending.  As some of you know, I'm not the best budgeter/spender in the world. 

Assets: 

Retirement: ~$135,000 spread across various accounts (currently contribute 15%)
House Fund: ~$92,000 (this is my share of the proceeds from our house sale, I've got it invested and earning a steady 5%, so it's been doing pretty well so far - no plans to touch this until I'm ready to buy a new house, e.g. a long, long time from now)
Babybird's College/Getting Started Fund: ~$6,000 (currently contribute $150/month)
EF/cash cushion: ~$3500

Total:  ~$230,500 (not counting Babybird's moolah since that's not really mine) 

Liabilities: 

Car loan: $6,658 (0%) 

Budget: 

Net Income: $5,100/month (gross just over $100k)

Rent: $2,150 
Utilities: $150 or so
Entertainment: $150 or so
Food: $1,000 or so (this is groceries + eating out, I'm working hard on getting this down but it's always been my albatross) 
Gas: $100
Insurance: $285
Car Payment: $330
Babybird's Investment: $150
Copays/Medical: $150 or so

Total: $4,465 

I had some random expenses related to moving and so forth, but I'm on a fairly stable track now.  Clearly the food is an issue; FDH and I had awful shopping habits.  I'm trying to get better about shopping and planning (DGF is helping!). 

I think the rest is pretty reasonable.  I'd like more than $600 for saving/slush fund stuff, but since I'm contributing 15% to retirement and have plenty of cash in the bank, I'm relatively okay with not saving as much right now.  My rent is a bit high, but I really love where I live now and also this town in general is crazy expensive.   

That said, I'd like some short term EF savings so I don't have to tap my house fund for emergencies.  I should be getting a tax refund soon (FDH and I are going to split the child credit every year) so that will get me started.  My financial advisor and I agreed that trying for about $15,000 (three months of expenses) is a good goal. 

I also see no reason to have more than $100k in my house fund, and I'm on track to hit that by the end of the year, so once I reach that goal, I can use the earnings each month to fund other savings goals and not even worry about my monthly surplus. 

What do y'all think?  Anything I'm missing or should be looking at more closely? 

[Sunnyday]

Hi Firebird,

I'm in a very similar situation (financially).
I earn 110K.
I have no debt.
I got 350K out of our common property.
No car, no home (he kept everything).
I have roughly 180 K in retirement/saving.
My biggest expenses are my rent at 1,750 and food.

I reviewed my expenses the last quarter of 2023. The food was too high at 1200-1400 a month, a lot of food deliveries as I was depressed. In January, I reduced food costs to 750, and I'm on track to only spend 500 on food this month for 3 people, with 2 kids being with me 50/50.

Restaurants (unless it's for a social outing) and food deliveries are now out of the question. I only started saving back up in December as I kind of gave up looking at my finances for over a year because of the high legal fees related to my very contentious divorce.  Seemed silly to worry about $50 food delivery when I was paying thousands a month to lawyers.

Since everything is settled legally for you, I would make sure that you start tracking all expenses. I'm still tracking, and every time I think that I've got everything accounted for, something else I forgot about would pop up.  And I would also suggest that you think about what your values are, what is important to you. Sometimes, we adopt our partner's values and make them our own. So maybe, home ownership isn't that important for you, after all.  Knowing that can guide your financial decisions.

Your emergency fund is too low for my taste. [Edited: sorry, I just re-read and you already addressed the EF] I would have minimum 3 months. The difference now is that if you lose your job or get sick, you are alone.  I realize that you are dating someone now, but that is too early to rely as a backup plan.

Both myself and my ex were high earners, and the possibility that both of us lose our jobs at the same time was low. So I was never worried.

Now, that I don't have another income, it makes me feel anxious about my job and overall security in a way that I never did before.  It's more of a "me thing" than a "reality" thing, the truth is that I have more than enough in assets, over half a million.  And I know that if I really needed to, my brother would wire me 10K in a moment's notice, no questions asked. 

Congratulations for daring to start new.
Best of luck!

[haapai]

May I suggest that you refer to your former husband as XH instead of FDH.   I do not see that acronym and think "former dear husband".  It ain't cute.  It's ugly. 

[azucena]

Remind us your age and baby bird.

Why limit house fund to $100k?

Great to save for baby bird but I'd want to fund my EF first bc that's of even bigger benefit to her. Maybe you're thinking her fund slides over in a true emergency.

Glad the co-parenting is going well. I admire parents who can truly put the kid first.

[Firebird]

I reviewed my expenses the last quarter of 2023. The food was too high at 1200-1400 a month, a lot of food deliveries as I was depressed. In January, I reduced food costs to 750, and I'm on track to only spend 500 on food this month for 3 people, with 2 kids being with me 50/50.


Wow, you're an inspiration! I would love to get mine down this low.  

Since everything is settled legally for you, I would make sure that you start tracking all expenses. I'm still tracking, and every time I think that I've got everything accounted for, something else I forgot about would pop up.

I always track my expenses (on a monthly basis) and have done so for years.  The above budgeting numbers are based on averages for 2023.  That way, I can see how much I spent in each category that wasn't an obvious one-off, like moving expenses. 

Your emergency fund is too low for my taste. [Edited: sorry, I just re-read and you already addressed the EF] I would have minimum 3 months. The difference now is that if you lose your job or get sick, you are alone. I realize that you are dating someone now, but that is too early to rely as a backup plan.

This is definitely my biggest fear as a single parent!  I definitely want to get the EF up this year, and any unexpected cash infusions will go toward that.  However, with over $90k in easily accessible cash funds, I'm not too worried.  Yes, that money is supposed to be for a house, but it's also nearly two years of expenses if it had to be. 

But yeah, the job anxiety is a real thing.  I'm kinda casually looking for a new job right now and it's scary to make a leap into the unknown with no partner backing you up. 

May I suggest that you refer to your former husband as XH instead of FDH. I do not see that acronym and think "former dear husband". It ain't cute. It's ugly.


... sorry?  Haha.  I don't think of or refer to him as my ex-husband.  Generally I refer to him as my daughter's dad but that's a bit unwieldy for a message board. 

In my mind he's not really my ex.  He's my best friend, he's an important part of my family and my life, and I don't expect or want that to ever change.  In a really critical sense, we're still partners (in coparenting our daughter) and I love him very much.  I do not love the negative connotation of "ex."   

Remind us your age and baby bird.


I'll be 38 in two weeks, and Babybird is 11 now (crazy huh?) 

Why limit house fund to $100k?

I dunno... nice round number?  Houses around here start at $500k so $100k is a good healthy down payment but the idea that I could ever swing a house free and clear is pretty unrealistic. 

When I hit my EF goal and feel like I have Babybird all squared away, if I'm still not ready to buy a house, maybe I'll start building it up even more, but I think $100k is a great starting point.  It's a heck of an improvement over the $6k or so we used to buy our house back in 2017. 

Great to save for baby bird but I'd want to fund my EF first bc that's of even bigger benefit to her. Maybe you're thinking her fund slides over in a true emergency.


Her money is hers, I won't ever touch it (part of it's in a 529 anyway).  As I said, not too worried about the EF right now - I do have a start on one in the form of my cash cushion, which would take care of most car emergencies and so forth, and I'll probably have at least one month of expenses after I get my refund.  With over $90k in the bank, I'm actually more cash-secure than I've ever been or ever expect to be again. 

Babybird is 11 and she's already planning on college, so preparing for her future is important to me (FDH isn't currently able to make a monthly contribution to her fund, hopefully he will be at some point in the future).  I used to save around $100 per month for both of the kids, so this is pretty close to what I was contributing before.  My financial advisor estimated that at this rate, we should have enough for a couple of years at one of the state universities, if she decides to go that way.  I deliberately put half of her fund in a more flexible account so she'd have options besides paying for school. 

Glad the co-parenting is going well. I admire parents who can truly put the kid first.


Thanks!  I'm really proud of us, it absolutely does take two.  No one can make it work by themselves, but when both parents are on board and committed to supporting the kid regardless of how they might feel about their former spouse, that's a great thing for everyone.  The way we see it, we're still a family, it's just a little different these days. 

[Firebird]

I would also suggest that you think about what your values are, what is important to you. Sometimes, we adopt our partner's values and make them our own. So maybe, home ownership isn't that important for you, after all. Knowing that can guide your financial decisions.

Forgot to address this - that's an excellent point.  My financial advisor actually had me do this quiz thingie to determine my financial priorities.  IIRC, they were financial stability, good housing (home ownership could be included in this but not necessarily), retirement, Babybird's future, and... I forget what else was on there.  Experiences/travel, maybe?  Anyway, those were my big ones.  More or less in that order. 

Home ownership is not nearly as big a deal to me anymore as it once was.  If it makes sense for me to buy again, fine, but I'm quite happy renting for the foreseeable future.  I like the flexibility, and if I ever buy again it'll likely be when I'm ready to settle down with someone.  Which is also pretty far in the future 

[minnesotapaintlady]

Not sure how old baby bird is, but I would definitely need a line item for kid expenses.  Extracurriculars, school supplies, summer camps.  Plus there's nothing for clothes, personal care, haircuts, gifts...  I know these can all be small amounts, but they still add up.  Especially Christmas.  Vacations?  Car maintenance?  Does the utilities include phone and internet? 

[Firebird]

Not sure how old baby bird is, but I would definitely need a line item for kid expenses. Extracurriculars, school supplies, summer camps. Plus there's nothing for clothes, personal care, haircuts, gifts... I know these can all be small amounts, but they still add up. Especially Christmas. Vacations? Car maintenance? Does the utilities include phone and internet?


Yeah, I just posted the standard monthly budget - the stuff you mentioned comes out of the surplus.  I do track all those things, but if it's not something specifically for Babybird I just lump it in with entertainment/travel expenses so it's not a perfect system. Last year my strictly kid-related expenses were a couple thousand, not a hugely significant amount (she's 11).  FDH and I split that stuff now, and her summer camp (the biggest expense) is already paid for this year.  

You just reminded me though, one of my goals is to put aside $50-100 a month for Christmas so I'm not scrambling to come up with a bunch of money at the end of the year as usual. 

Utilites does include internet, I don't pay for my cell service right now but may have to add that in at some point.  FDH and I don't pay each other child support (since we both have her 50% of the time and our incomes aren't too far apart, we decided it didn't make sense), we just kinda work things out as we go along and last year I paid for a bunch of stuff, so we're still evening out from that.  We'll see how things shake out this year. 

[Sunnyday]

Feb 7, 2024 22:24:19 GMT -5 Firebird said:

I reviewed my expenses the last quarter of 2023. The food was too high at 1200-1400 a month, a lot of food deliveries as I was depressed. In January, I reduced food costs to 750, and I'm on track to only spend 500 on food this month for 3 people, with 2 kids being with me 50/50.


Wow, you're an inspiration! I would love to get mine down this low.  

Well, February is a short month! Lol.

If you're interested, here is what I did. 

I really reviewed everything, and the 2 biggest expenses were rent and food. I can't control the rent, but I can control the food.

It sounds like a lot, but the organization part is really the hard part. Once, I had a good rotation of meals, I got better. I've done this before, so it's not new to me.  And I'm pretty low energy and sad these days, so I know that if I can do it, most people probably could do it as well.  

I re-started batch cooking/freezing meals for later. I had to buy a chest freezer to be able to do this because the regular freezer that comes with the fridge was too small to hold anything.

I started meal planning and monitoring my food supply with military precision.  Sometimes, things get by.

I freeze everything (cheese rind (can use it in a stock), left over sauce, bread, butter).  Too much rice or pasta cooked? freeze it as a side dish for a later meal.

I bought these dissolvable food labels on amazon. I know that they sound stupid, like a luxury.  Before, I would throw leftovers in the freezer and they just become unidentifiable after and therefore uneaten. Now, I put the labels on and write the date and what is in it.  And when you wash them, the label just dissolves under water!  Using dry eraser markers before was pointless because they rubbed off and using "normal" labels made washing the containers hard, and all gunky with that old adhesive.

Finally, the biggest change was no more food deliveries like UberEats or DoorDash.  I usually cooked from scratch, when I did cook, but now I buy some frozen "fun" food so that the days when I'm just barely holding on, I can provide quick "fun" food for the kids. 

I also got an app that connects me to grocery stores that have got food nearing their expiration date, and you can get meat for 50% off.  I don't have a car, so I can only walk to the grocery stores closest to my house, so I'm a bit limited in my savings there, but the savings on the meat is pretty good. 

Btw, I don't like cooking. I don't like cooking from scratch, but I always have because it really bothers me the stuff they have in processed food. Basically, anything convenience, I try to not buy. I wash, slice, prep myself. I really don't like it, but I put on some good podcasts and go to town.

Menu from this week (Friday to Friday)

Note that in 7 days, I only prepped/cooked 3 times, and I only resorted to "store-bought" one day.
I try to also alternate the leftovers because the kids often get leftovers for lunch, so I don't want them to eat the same thing for 2 meals in a row.


Friday - Lasagna (frozen) store-bought.  I was too tired.
Saturday - Pulled pork (made from scratch in slow cooker, saved half in freezer for later meals and a quarter for later in the week)
Sunday - Salmon rice with rice/veggies
Monday - Stir-fry noodles (made with beef strips that were prepped a month ago in the freezer)
Tuesday - Leftovers (pulled pork)
Wednesday - Butter chicken (from freezer, cooked in November)
Thursday - Leftovers - Whatever is in the fridge, most likely Butter chicken
Friday - N/A - kids go back to their father's, so I just crash and eat whatever is hanging out in the fridge.

[geenamercile]

The girls is where my overspending tends to happen.  I also tend to pay more for things for the girls,like back to school shopping, co-pays ect....  I found that I really need to tell the ex the cost of something, and if they want something to let him know as well.  Because when it came to things like eating out or food delivery, we caught them hitting us both up.  This happened more when I moved  out.    

[raeoflyte]

Firebird I think you're doing great and I'm glad things are going well.  

My kids activity budget would eat up your slush/savings fund, so whatever you have babybird doing now, I'd say keep her doing it.    

[minnesotapaintlady]

Feb 7, 2024 22:24:19 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Babybird is 11 and she's already planning on college, so preparing for her future is important to me (FDH isn't currently able to make a monthly contribution to her fund, hopefully he will be at some point in the future).  I used to save around $100 per month for both of the kids, so this is pretty close to what I was contributing before.  My financial advisor estimated that at this rate, we should have enough for a couple of years at one of the state universities, if she decides to go that way.  I deliberately put half of her fund in a more flexible account so she'd have options besides paying for school. 

Not that this should be a priority now by any means, but I kind of question his saying this when the average cost of a 4 year school is 25-35K/year.  Unless you're thinking tuition only and live at home?  I don't know what state you're in either so maybe there is a good grant program or something.

[Firebird]

The girls is where my overspending tends to happen. I also tend to pay more for things for the girls,like back to school shopping, co-pays ect.... I found that I really need to tell the ex the cost of something, and if they want something to let him know as well. Because when it came to things like eating out or food delivery, we caught them hitting us both up. This happened more when I moved out.


We're still working on this, we have a shared spreadsheet where we ostensibly list things we should be splitting.  Up until now, it's been mostly me making entries there.  But I expect we'll true-up one of these days.  So far it's been seeming to even out, more or less. 

My kids activity budget would eat up your slush/savings fund, so whatever you have babybird doing now, I'd say keep her doing it.

She doesn't do sports!  That's the big difference.  She's starting middle school next year and I expect we'll see some increases here but mostly she likes hanging out with her friends, spending time at our pool, etc.  Free or low-cost stuff.  

She wants to get some kind of job this summer so she can earn her own spending money.  She's a planner!  Future PM in training 

Not that this should be a priority now by any means, but I kind of question his saying this when the average cost of a 4 year school is 25-35K/year. Unless you're thinking tuition only and live at home? I don't know what state you're in either so maybe there is a good grant program or something.


Yeah, I was definitely surprised by this myself.  It was never my expectation that we could pay for Babybird's college.  At this point, I think he calculated something like a $10k shortfall.  That's nothing for college debt even if she takes out the entire amount in loans, but I don't even think it'll come to that.  She'll be working/living at home the first two years (at least that's her plan right now - again, she's 11) and if she continues working over the summers and while in school, I think she can cover the additional $10k.  Or, FDH and I can cashflow that.  Or I can start putting extra money aside when she starts school and gift her the balance of what she borrows upon graduation.  Lots of options. 

Like I said, I didn't expect to be able to cover any significant portion of her college funding, so this is all gravy as far as I'm concerned.  

[honeysalt]

Hi Firebird,

Mostly lurk, but have been around since the msn days.  Miss Doxie for the guilty pleasure drama she brought

Divorce is tough.  I had the best divorce ever. After, entered a LTR that ended as well - also very amicable.   I'm not the same person I was before I got divorced.  Not better, not worse, just different.  

Don't mean to project my issues onto either of you, but am here to say:  If you are a different person, be kind to the new you.  It takes some time and grace to become a different person.

Priorities about time and money change:  Used to be a travel bug who couldn't care less about home decor.  Have become a home body, who doesn't want to leave her home.  Focus is on making it even better.

Ending any cohabitation relationship involves increases in expenses, even with a roommate in your twenties....New furniture, new housing costs, replacing communal items - it all adds up.

Gave myself permission to say who cares about spending until everything was settled.  Refocused budget based on savings goals, not spending goals.  Spent a lot of money on hosting friends in my home last month, so am eating a lot of peanut butter on toast, lentils and pots of beans this month.  When I was deep in sadness - and didn't care about eating - much less cooking, I ordered food delivery. 

All about a budget, but there are times to be flexible.  This is one. 

Hope you take good care of yourself

[WannabeWealthy]

I think you have great plans and strategy.  The only thing missing is some of the gotcha items like car maintenance and registration every year.  I would only have 5k in EF.  The rest should be making money (i.e. Roth or stocks).  The only money I would keep in cash is the home allowance. 

[Firebird]

    Don't mean to project my issues onto either of you, but am here to say: If you are a different person, be kind to the new you. It takes some time and grace to become a different person.

I'm quite fond of new me   I love my life!  Getting divorced was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but the way it worked out, we're all better off now.  And we're still a family, which is great.  My biggest worry about doing this was that I might lose my daughter's dad in my life, and that hasn't come to fruition at all.  We're still close friends, absolutely still partners in parenting Babybird, and we help each other out whenever we can (I'm fostering his new kitty cat right now due to a complication with his living situation, for example). 

Thanks for chiming in!  I miss Doxie too, haha. 

I think you have great plans and strategy. The only thing missing is some of the gotcha items like car maintenance and registration every year. I would only have 5k in EF. The rest should be making money (i.e. Roth or stocks). The only money I would keep in cash is the home allowance.

I do have line items for those things in the yearly budget, but have pretty much been able to cashflow them so far.  I like the idea of $5k in EF and everything else working.  I actually might even reduce it to $2k because the way my financial advisor has my house fund set up, I can access the money from it whenever I want.  Not instantly, but within a few days.  So it can function as an EF and still make money.