Help! Just not sure how to proceed with new life

[Sunnyday]

Jan 6, 2024 13:28:50 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Jan 6, 2024 13:14:11 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

What are sinking costs?

Sorry - saving money each month for quarterly, yearly, or expected but unknown costs (car/house repairs, medical, etc).  

It was really hard to save anything in the past year or so.
The legal costs were quite low in Oct/Nov, there were months when the legal bills were like 4K-6K.
I just dug into savings.
Right now, the "sink" costs are paid for by cash savings. Now, that is around 12K, which I consider my "3-month emergency" fund.
It was just too demoralizing to save when I was paying such high legal fees, it felt like, "well, who care if I eat out for 40$!"  Not the best mentality, but I'm stopping that shit now!

I started saving back up in December. I have a lot of "one-off" costs, like my apartment insurance and stuff.

[resolution]

Sinking funds are what people call a fund for predictable, lump sum expenses. For example I just got an homeowner insurance bill for $1200. So if I set up a sinking fund, I would basically be allocating $100 per month toward that bill, so that when I receive the bill I will have the $1200 in savings ready to pay it.

Some people keep all their money in one account and track a bunch of the sinking funds on a spreadsheet, and other people set up different savings account for each item, so they have multiple bank accounts or a bunch of sub accounts at their bank. Personally, I keep my savings in a money market account and don't have the detailed spreadsheets that many people here use, but my expenses have been pretty stable so I know when to expect the big annual expenses.

[Sunnyday]

Jan 6, 2024 13:28:45 GMT -5 resolution said:

Your normal expenses look reasonable for your situation, but the legal fees have had a big impact. Are the legal fees done or do you still have upcoming legal expenses? Your December expenses came in under your expected income, so if that is the new normal, you have some time to figure things out and you don't have to make any crisis decisions. 

I recommend that you try to estimate a monthly amount for some of the more irregular expenses. For example, the "setting up the household" sounds like a lot of up front expenses, so consider if you need to give it a few more months and finish setting it up, or if now is a good time to plan an ongoing amount for household items. For therapy, the cost fluctuates a lot from month to month, is there an average figure for therapy that you can anticipate? Same for travel and healthcare?  Once you have figured out an average monthly expense, you can see if your overall budget is on track, and how much you can allocate to additional retirement and savings.

The legal fees are almost done. I shouldn't be seeing such high numbers again. Maybe a couple of thousand when we get in front of the judge?  I don't know.

I've actually been living in my apartment for well over a year. I didn't buy some basic things like a kitchen table, I think because I was thinking... maybe it wasn't permanent. Yes, I was a bit delusional.
Now, I've accepted that this is my new life, I bought some furniture this fall. I finally bought a vacuum cleaner! How I lived without one for an entire year boggles my mind.


The household costs shouldn't be so high again, but that category is really "Amazon" purchases, so there is some food items in there and other household items like batteries and cleaning supplies. I'm going to have to get granular in the next couple of months. 

I'm debating whether to get rid of Amazon Prime for a couple of months to see how it goes....The cost of Prime isn't high, but it makes purchases a little too easy!

[resolution]

Jan 6, 2024 13:43:16 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

I've actually been living in my apartment for well over a year. I didn't buy some basic things like a kitchen table, I think because I was thinking... maybe it wasn't permanent. Yes, I was a bit delusional.
Now, I've accepted that this is my new life, I bought some furniture this fall. I finally bought a vacuum cleaner! How I lived without one for an entire year boggles my mind.


The household costs shouldn't be so high again, but that category is really "Amazon" purchases, so there is some food items in there and other household items like batteries and cleaning supplies. I'm going to have to get granular in the next couple of months. 

I'm debating whether to get rid of Amazon Prime for a couple of months to see how it goes....The cost of Prime isn't high, but it makes purchases a little too easy!

If it's any comfort to you, I have been living in my current house for 3 years now, and I just got living room furniture. Up until now I have been ignoring that room because I wasn't sure what to do with it.

I think you will be fine after you get through the rest of the legal fees, but this is a good opportunity to look at your discretionary expenses and decide which ones add value to your life. I agree that restaurants and amazon purchases are good areas to evaluate and trim.

If you do miss the Amazon Prime and decided to go back to it, I believe it is a bit cheaper if you pay annually rather than monthly.

[Sunnyday]

I found an option to "pause" Amazon Prime.  DONE!!! 
So that cost is gone for Jan.
My credit card is expiring, so I have to update all my automatic payments with the new credit card. I will use that very annoying administrative task to review everything that I can cancel or reduce.  There is truly a silver lining in everything if you look hard enough. 
I also have a Costco membership. I feel like the cost of annual membership makes up for the reduced costs on certain things. I get my things delivered. Shipping is free if over a certain amount, so I wait until I get enough.  I would benefit more if I actually went to the store as the cost of bread are so much cheaper than the regular grocery store, but it's a really long bus ride and Costco is just a jungle of people, which often stresses me out.  

[cktc]

All of your fixed costs look pretty reasonable to me, and a lot of your recent bigger expenses are going away so I wouldn't stress those too much. My only suggestions would be to value hunt when dining out and maybe look into group therapy or an interest based or life-stage social club. I found one through meetup that was a great support when I went through a divorce.

[Sunnyday]

Jan 6, 2024 16:43:36 GMT -5 cktc said:

All of your fixed costs look pretty reasonable to me, and a lot of your recent bigger expenses are going away so I wouldn't stress those too much. My only suggestions would be to value hunt when dining out and maybe look into group therapy or an interest based or life-stage social club. I found one through meetup that was a great support when I went through a divorce.

My therapy is YouTube videos. Most of my progress has not been from therapy but videos on YouTube.

I'm starting to think that I haven't f*cked up as much as I did with my money. You'll have been very nice to me. 

[swamp]

Jan 5, 2024 10:51:07 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Jan 5, 2024 10:42:27 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Oh she's in Canada.  My reading comprehension skills are not good today.

And apparently no you cannot use them for cosmetic surgery.  Not something I thought to look up before. 

Okay never mind take whatever you would put in an HSA yearly and stick it in a savings account marked "For Sunnyday's wants".   

It's not deviated septum, I wish it was.
It's loose skin. I've never been obese, but the 2 pregnancies destroyed my stomach.
The skin just hangs. I'm very much at a healthy weight, but it just looks so gross.
I've been very self conscious about it, and my ex comments about it really did a number on me.
I'm willing to go into debt for it. I want it done as soon as I can even if I don't have the money.

Your ex is a shit head. You’re beautiful they way you are. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Regarding paying bills with certain checks and sinking funds, setting money aside for something like an elective surgery, and overall anxiety, the most stress-reducing tool I've found is YNAB . Yes, it costs about $100/year now, but it saves me so much more than that and reduces my anxiety. It's not just a "budget"; it is a lifestyle tool. 
I've used it since 2012 when we were deep in CC debt, student loan debt, and massively affected by the 2008 real estate market crash. 
Because of it, we are now completely flush except for a mortgage. In 2022, we were able to quit our jobs and move without having to worry about having new jobs lined up. The job I found in 2022 has not gone well, and I resigned from it last week. I don't have another job lined up. YNAB gives me the planning power and control to be able to that. 

Regarding the surgery, if you have $350K from the divorce, then I'd just use that to pay for the surgery. Your ex is an asshat, but if the surgery is going to give you long-term relief, then go for it. 


Divorce is incredibly hard. You will get better eventually. 

[finnime]

Divorce with a controlling X is very hard and draining. You're doing well, IMHO. I understand your anxiety about money now and future, so your planning out expenses and goals with your current income is a huge step forward. As we were divorcing I discovered my X had sole title to both our cars. Yes, I was also an idiot. I outearned him for the last 3/4 of our marriage and dismissed his controlling ways as a need to feel okay about himself. I was effed up.

I recommend what the other posters have suggested, set aside some funds for the tummy tuck and get to a doctor or two to find out what it entails financially and physically. Set up a pot for sinking funds and isolate them in your budget. Find other ways to cut no- or little-value add expenses; you're doing that already.

Draw a bright line under your settlement lump sum to keep for a new home. The rest, go ahead and spend as you like/need on surgery and a vacation.

You're doing well. It's a long hard process but you will end up in a much better place.

[Sunnyday]

Jan 7, 2024 6:08:43 GMT -5 finnime said:

I recommend what the other posters have suggested, set aside some funds for the tummy tuck and get to a doctor or two to find out what it entails financially and physically. Set up a pot for sinking funds and isolate them in your budget. Find other ways to cut no- or little-value add expenses; you're doing that already.

Draw a bright line under your settlement lump sum to keep for a new home. The rest, go ahead and spend as you like/need on surgery and a vacation.

You're doing well. It's a long hard process but you will end up in a much better place.

Thank you so much!
I've taken that advice for the sinking funds and I'm re-working my budget.
Seeing how much money was going to food was pretty shocking. 
I agree with other posters that most of my other costs are quite reasonable, and some are even non-negotiable.
e.g. I need internet. I work from home.
The biggest modification I can make is in the area of food. Honestly, getting rid of my Amazon Prime is like nothing. A drop in the ocean but the psychological win is more. It's like taking back control.

The settlement is untouchable because it's mostly being rolled over into my retirement, and the cash part is earmarked for house.

I basically stopped adding to my retirement (except for 3% to get the company's match), because in my country, you are only allowed to add 18% of your income to retirement. I was adding more than that for years to catch up on my lifetime allowed contribution, and now I'm over the lifetime allowed contribution. I can't add more without incurring penalties.

This freed up money to pay for the large legal and therapy costs without digging too much into my savings.

Now, I can focus that money on my "wishes," and I'm treating my "wishes" as "debt."  Because that weirdly motivates me!  I don't like the feeling of owing anyone anything.  I like "gameifying" things, it makes it fun for me.

Here is my snowballing method to get my wishes granted.

<deleted table, because it was just jumble of html coding>

Also, just thank all of you for the support. Putting out there what I want, and what my situation is, and creating a plan has made all of it less scary.

I know that I've been blessed. I graduated without student loans, I had a frugal ex and we were both extremely financially responsible and we built a substantial net worth. I'm debt free. I'm healthy. I have a great job that I love and that pays well. I live in a safe environment.

And most of all, my natural frugalness (thank you immigrant parents!) never lets me get into too much trouble.

[Sunnyday]

That sucks! I spent so much time on that table, and it posted all weird.  Not worth my time trying to fix it. Sorry guys, I'll delete it out so that you don't see that mess.

[WannabeWealthy]

Hello!

Sorry for your situation but then again, we all have these situations all the time.  Mine happened back in 2018.  I've never felt more free in my life.  I was robbed (imo) living in one of the community property states but had a very very unbalanced salary comparision between my ex and me.  She took 50% of everything even though I paid for everything and saved everything.  So there's that...

Anyway, the only advice I can give is to live free.  Don't be so afraid of overspending.  You make a pretty good salary and you should live comfortably.  I live totally free and just buy what I want to buy and eat what I want to eat.  As long as I have a good balance of a month of pay, anything over it, I can spend.

I'm about to go to flight training next month and enjoy myself spending over $25k to get my license to fly.

Life is too short.

Think only about YOU.  No one else matters.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Jan 12, 2024 21:30:30 GMT -5 WannabeWealthy said:

Hello!

Sorry for your situation but then again, we all have these situations all the time.  Mine happened back in 2018.  I've never felt more free in my life.  I was robbed (imo) living in one of the community property states but had a very very unbalanced salary comparision between my ex and me.  She took 50% of everything even though I paid for everything and saved everything.  So there's that...

Anyway, the only advice I can give is to live free.  Don't be so afraid of overspending.  You make a pretty good salary and you should live comfortably.  I live totally free and just buy what I want to buy and eat what I want to eat.  As long as I have a good balance of a month of pay, anything over it, I can spend.

I'm about to go to flight training next month and enjoy myself spending over $25k to get my license to fly.

Life is too short.

Think only about YOU.  No one else matters.

Well, I'm thinking her two minor children might too. 

[NastyWoman]

This thread is more than a little getting off track so let's get back to the subject: how Sunnyday should move forward so she'll have plenty of sunny days ahead of her!

Sunny you are way ahead of where I was when I divorced: I was older, had a lower income, and had far less $$ after my divorce. As a result I had to work longer than you will have to. However, I had some of the sane goals as I wanted a place of my own (condo √), wanted to travel (mostly budget but definitely ✓), and a financially secure retirement (I am not rich but comfortable, so also √).

All it needed was a little discipline in my spending decisions. I am a spreadsheet lover and kept track of all my spending, in broad categories, until I retired. I am 100% confident that you will be able to get where you want to be and, since you are ahead of me where I started, you will get there years before I did.

[Opti]

Jan 14, 2024 4:24:44 GMT -5 WannabeWealthy said:

Jan 13, 2024 10:57:26 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Why do men think that women need to make themselves more appealing to men or "fix" themselves?
All that matters at the end of the day is how she feels in her own body. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to step back and figure out why they hate on women.

It's only a fix if the woman agrees with the better appeal -- which the OP already stated by mentioning that it concerned her.  If it was because of the spouse, then the only thing we can assume from it is:

1) She did not have a lot of weight when they first met.
2) She already had the weight on and he didn't mention it bothered him.

In the 2) I can see every woman's frustration in this thread about this guy.  He should have mentioned it while they were dating to give the woman the chance to bail on him.  I 100% agree with everyone on this.

If it's 1) then I can understand the conversation he had to have with her.  It's not a man's fault if he finds something about a woman unattractive as time progresses.  To respond from "either love me regardless or leave me" by leaving isn't an asshole thing to do if he chose the latter. 

Men are visual creatures.  We didn't have the choice to pick that in our evolutionary biology unfortunately.  It's what nature did to us in order to populate the world.  I would love to tell biology to reprogram the nature of men towards women, but sadly, I can not.

We all are affected by biology and some women are as ummm biological as men in their attraction to the other gender. But biology is supposed to be only part of being human. We all have to pee and poop for example. But peeing wherever we are at the moment the urge first hits or defecating in a store aisle because you are mad, is a choice. It is not pure biology.

So it is with this. Biology determined how this poster and generally any woman will gain weight, stretch marks etc. There is no way to be certain how it will happen until it does. The only scenario I see him as mostly blame free if he insisted he never wanted children and she had some anyway. And afterwards her body did not reset to pre pregnancy shape so he left because he let her know he would likely do so, multiple times before she got pregnant.

However, if they both want kids, and they have them ... the woman does not get to pick how her body will react to that choice. This is woman's biology and childbirth is complex animal. He could have used his human brain to help the situation by offering to pay for the surgery if she wanted it. And it would have shown some initiative had he started working extra hours to accomplish this or forgoing pricey wants to fund the surgery BEFORE even bringing up how her bodily changes affected his attraction to her. For me part of being human means going above and beyond our biology. He didn't, and it is a rare woman who wouldn't find a problem with how he handled it.

[Opti]

NastyWoman you or someone could ask Moon or an admin to move all the posts including my last one to a related thread and remove them from this one. I don't want to speak for the OP so maybe it should be her choice on whether that happens or not?

[Spellbound454]

I've been through a couple of divorces and it leaves you feeling like the ground has been ripped out from underneath you. All your dreams, hopes and everything you have worked for suddenly gone.

Kids being kids, still want, want, want,..... when all you want is to curl up and lick your wounds.

Losing myself for a few hours (the OP mentions youtube) in a favourite show, certainly helped.

It gets better, look after your youngsters and do whatever you need to do to to get by..... and whatever else you do, don't self destruct.

I found it quite liberating to decorate my house in the way I wanted, watch what I wanted on TV, go where I wanted, see anyone I wanted, foster my own hobbies
Instead of always putting someone else first.


As for surgery, I'm kind of the attitude, "this is who I am if you don't like it, go"

I'm strong, independent, and need no-one...... and you will be too.

[swamp]

Pretty is only temporary

[tallguy]

Jan 14, 2024 13:59:33 GMT -5 swamp said:

Pretty is only temporary

But true beauty is timeless.

[Sunnyday]

Jan 12, 2024 21:35:37 GMT -5 WannabeWealthy said:

Jan 6, 2024 21:56:53 GMT -5 swamp said:

Your ex is a shit head. You’re beautiful they way you are. 

I actually disagree with this.  She has something about her that is clearly not attractive to the average person and that's not being a "shit head" either.  That's his biological attraction which he can't help.

She's doing good by fixing it so that she can be more attractive to other men and most of all - more attractive to herself.

I was busy and haven't logged in for a while.

I'm never going to post pictures, so you're going to have to believe me on this. I'm actually attractive. Now attractiveness is subjective.  But I can say without a second hesitation, that I'm way more attractive than my ex.

I am also slender.  My 13 daughter and I share clothes (actually, she just steals my clothes, I never take hers, lol). And she is not in any shape or form, overweight. 

The skin is from the pregnancies. Yes, it bothered me. I didn't love the hanging pooch. I loved his double-chin and his pot belly. I loved it because I loved him.  (I couldn't help the loose skin, he sure could've stopped chugging those beers. )


Independently of him, I toyed with the idea of surgery, but I was scared because of it as my c-sections were rough on me. 

When the man that you love tells you that they find your stomach gross, from having his babies, I'll be honest, it does kill something inside of you. 

I never asked my ex to lose weight or lose his double chin, I loved him as is.  

No one is asking me to do this, and I'm NOT doing it to be "attractive to the average person."  

Fuck average people, I want extraordinary people who love unconditionally whether I have loose skin or not. 

I want the surgery, because I don't like it. I want to wear a bikini again. Also my stomach muscles separated from the pregnancies, it gives me lower back problems. 

I doing it for my own personal vanity. 

[Sunnyday]

Jan 14, 2024 11:51:03 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

and I find it absolutely disgusting that wannabewealth would bring this up in this thread about someone rebuilding their life after an asshole.

No - the asshole does not need to be represented here in proxy.

Thank you. 

[Sunnyday]

Jan 14, 2024 5:18:37 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

This thread is more than a little getting off track so let's get back to the subject: how Sunnyday should move forward so she'll have plenty of sunny days ahead of her!

Sunny you are way ahead of where I was when I divorced: I was older, had a lower income, and had far less $$ after my divorce. As a result I had to work longer than you will have to. However, I had some of the sane goals as I wanted a place of my own (condo √), wanted to travel (mostly budget but definitely ✓), and a financially secure retirement (I am not rich but comfortable, so also √).

All it needed was a little discipline in my spending decisions. I am a spreadsheet lover and kept track of all my spending, in broad categories, until I retired. I am 100% confident that you will be able to get where you want to be and, since you are ahead of me where I started, you will get there years before I did.

The thread did go off track, but it reminds me of the old days when I came here for drama. lol. 

Thank you for your vote of confidence and your moral support. 

I'm really getting into the spreadsheets. I've listed out of my expenses and all my assets, and I'm making everything into a game to make it fun. 

Looking over everything, I think I'm fine. I really am. I just worry more than I need to. I believe that whatever happens, I will make it work. 

Seeing the actual numbers makes everything A-OK. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

My stomach muscles separated during my second pregnancy too.  It sucks.  The loose skin wouldn't tighten up and instead filled with fat.  Now I look like I'm 6 months pregnant all the time. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Jan 14, 2024 22:00:24 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Jan 12, 2024 21:35:37 GMT -5 WannabeWealthy said:

I actually disagree with this.  She has something about her that is clearly not attractive to the average person and that's not being a "shit head" either.  That's his biological attraction which he can't help.

She's doing good by fixing it so that she can be more attractive to other men and most of all - more attractive to herself.

I was busy and haven't logged in for a while.

I'm never going to post pictures, so you're going to have to believe me on this. I'm actually attractive. Now attractiveness is subjective.  But I can say without a second hesitation, that I'm way more attractive than my ex.

I am also slender.  My 13 daughter and I share clothes (actually, she just steals my clothes, I never take hers, lol). And she is not in any shape or form, overweight. 

The skin is from the pregnancies. Yes, it bothered me. I didn't love the hanging pooch. I loved his double-chin and his pot belly. I loved it because I loved him.  (I couldn't help the loose skin, he sure could've stopped chugging those beers. )


Independently of him, I toyed with the idea of surgery, but I was scared because of it as my c-sections were rough on me. 

When the man that you love tells you that they find your stomach gross, from having his babies, I'll be honest, it does kill something inside of you. 

I never asked my ex to lose weight or lose his double chin, I loved him as is.  

No one is asking me to do this, and I'm doing it to be "attractive to the average person."  

Fuck average people, I want extraordinary people who love unconditionally whether I have loose skin or not. 

I want the surgery, because I don't like it. I want to wear a bikini again. Also my stomach muscles separated from the pregnancies, it gives me lower back problems. 

I doing it for my own personal vanity. 

I am glad to see you post here again, I was kind of worried that the insensitivity posted in this thread, where it wasn’t the time nor the place, may have run you off. 

You don’t have to try to explain anything. As long as you want the surgery for YOU, that’s all that matters.

[Sunnyday]

Jan 14, 2024 22:17:16 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

My stomach muscles separated during my second pregnancy too.  It sucks.  The loose skin wouldn't tighten up and instead filled with fat.  Now I look like I'm 6 months pregnant all the time. 

Yes, it's called "Diastasis Recti."
I did all the exercises they prescribed me, but they said that the separation was too large. I don't look like I'm pregnant. You can't tell that I have it by looking at me, you would have to see me naked to see it. 
The exercises did nothing for me btw. They measured the separation before and then after the exercises.

It looks like I have a flat stomach, but then when I'm on all fours, it hangs like a pooch. There is no muscles holding anything back along with the actual loose skin, which is all weird and crepey with stretch marks. My belly button also looks like it "collapsed" on itself. It's really not great to look at. 

[Opti]

Jan 14, 2024 22:17:16 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

My stomach muscles separated during my second pregnancy too.  It sucks.  The loose skin wouldn't tighten up and instead filled with fat.  Now I look like I'm 6 months pregnant all the time. 

Sorry. I think this goes in the category of things people don't talk about because it sucks. While some women seem to skate through pregnancy it does take a physical and mental toll. And you don't return to normal after, because the experience changes you.

[Opti]

Jan 15, 2024 7:01:58 GMT -5 WannabeWealthy said:

Jan 14, 2024 22:00:24 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

I was busy and haven't logged in for a while.

I'm never going to post pictures, so you're going to have to believe me on this. I'm actually attractive. Now attractiveness is subjective.  But I can say without a second hesitation, that I'm way more attractive than my ex.

I am also slender.  My 13 daughter and I share clothes (actually, she just steals my clothes, I never take hers, lol). And she is not in any shape or form, overweight. 

The skin is from the pregnancies. Yes, it bothered me. I didn't love the hanging pooch. I loved his double-chin and his pot belly. I loved it because I loved him.  (I couldn't help the loose skin, he sure could've stopped chugging those beers. )


Independently of him, I toyed with the idea of surgery, but I was scared because of it as my c-sections were rough on me. 

When the man that you love tells you that they find your stomach gross, from having his babies, I'll be honest, it does kill something inside of you. 

I never asked my ex to lose weight or lose his double chin, I loved him as is.  

No one is asking me to do this, and I'm NOT doing it to be "attractive to the average person."  

Fuck average people, I want extraordinary people who love unconditionally whether I have loose skin or not. 

I want the surgery, because I don't like it. I want to wear a bikini again. Also my stomach muscles separated from the pregnancies, it gives me lower back problems. 

I doing it for my own personal vanity. 

And there is nothing wrong with you doing it.  You don't like how your stomach looks.  Your ex didn't like it as well.  His delivery was absolutely non-empathetic and rude, so I understand your hurt.

About the beer belly, most women aren't as visual as men are so it makes sense that you didn't mind his beer belly.  It's just that women and men have different priorities when it concerns attraction.  They aren't the same creature.

But I'll digress since I'm being labeled insensitive..

I think you've listened to the gender marketing crap too long. We mind, or many of us do, but in the scheme of things we let it go. Because we are better people than some men. And society also tells us we can't have most of what we want so we are supposed to get along. Men are sold the idea that they can buy and get anything they want. This is why some are such AHs on dating websites and in RL. 

I personally over the years have come in many sizes depending on my stress levels and funding. I'm a foodie so one of coping things is eating. Has been my whole life. Without funding and a car, I have not gone to a gym regularly in two decades. Still with all that, since an old friend is a trainer, I know that some skinny white woman who appear thin, actually have more fat on them by percentage and are less healthy than I because they go for the outside appearance of health not actual health.

Divorce will rock your world even if you want it. I think I finished my divorce while unemployed, one of the many everyone must go layoffs I have endured, and did so also with my BK which is finally off my official credit reports. 

You don't seem to understand. it's unclear to me whether that is by choice or part perhaps by culture. Some cultures and places have a lot of emphasis on appearance. Many like your moniker, Wanna Be Wealthy, dress well and use name brands as a calling card. Real wealthy people tend to mix it up more. Lots of high low as in the men probably have good shoes and good watches but might not wear them all the time. Some in CNJ are gentleman farmers so they might look scruffy and dirty if you see them at certain times but some pull in millions each year. Some are good people and some just want fashion accessories as spouses to prove they have made it like DJT. IMO the good ones want a real partner more than they want a specific look or partner age. But that describes me so I might be biased.

[chiver78]

I'm gonna just take this entire unnecessary ugly sidebar out of this thread. give me a few minutes, as it spans a couple pages. as Moon says, there's nothing in the CoC against being an asshole. as nothing in this sidebar crossed the CoC, it all stayed. but now that the mansplaining has moved to another thread, I'm just gonna take it all out of here because it's not helpful to the OP. 

-chiver mod

[haapai]

When I was broke (not necessarily your situation) and my confidence in my ability to manage money was shot, keeping track of where my money was going was absolutely crucial.  It can take a few months to figure out how much money you are spending on needs and what is left over.  I'm impressed that you have broken down three months of outgoes already.  That's a fabulous start. 

Another thing that I found helpful was simply keeping a list of all the things that I wanted that would require money.  Somehow simply putting all of those things on a list was calming.  I threw everything on that list.  A decent EF was there (again, not necessarily your situation).  Windshield wipers (not you, again) were there.  Even Girl Scout cookies and a pot of orange violas that I wanted but wasn't sure if I deserved went on the list.  When I obtained an item or simply no longer wanted it, I changed the font to strike-through but left it on the list.  I continually rearranged items on the list into needs and wants.  

Doing this probably slowed down my impulse spending a bit and helped me refine my budget but mostly it just calmed my mind.  Once something was on the list, I did not need to fear forgetting about it.