Help! Just not sure how to proceed with new life

[Sunnyday]

Hi everyone, 

I use to be very active on here (sometimes, I was known as Rainyday and sometimes as Sunnyday). I started the original "what are you doing now" thread that I see is still going strong, but now in its 2.0 version.

I need financial advice and maybe life advice. 

My life took a turn along with some financial anxiety that led me to bury my head in the sand as my life slowly imploded. 

Would rather skip the drama, but I'm getting divorced. It's all but official; it's just in the court backlog. 

My ex made about 150 K and I make about 110 K, and losing the financial security has me very anxious. Slowly, over the years, he started taking over financial control over the family finances, leaving me in the dark about many things. I let him, because I believed that I was not "financially savvy" like him.  Even though, my old posts probably would say otherwise.

I let him get away with a lot more than I should have in the divorce settlement because I think that I thought that if I didn't fight him that he would change his mind. 

I know that it was stupid, but it's done now. The divorce and the circumstances surrounding our marriage sort of broke me emotionally. 

I don't really have an excuse for my financial mistakes, but I was and am currently now emotionally fragile.  It's done now. 

Here is my financial situation:

I earn 110K.  
I have no debt.
I got 350K in the settlement
No car, no home (he took everything).  
I have roughly 180 K in retirement/saving.
My biggest expense is my rent at 1,750
2 kids/ minimal child support as we have shared custody and our incomes are very similar.
Most of the expensive legal costs are done.


I want to rebuild my life and get a house or condo. I also want to do some things that are financially frivolous.

I don't know what to do. I want to travel. I want to get cosmetic surgery. I want to live a little because I feel like I've been in a prison for years. 

I have all these opposing financial goals. I actually can't do all of that on my current salary. I won't touch my "house downpayment" money and I won't touch my retirement. So it's just my salary. 

I don't know where to park some of the money from the settlement. Some was in cash, but I was thinking of putting it in a GIC (CD for US people) and the rest of the monies were a direct rollover into my retirement accounts. 

I can't think straight. I know that I'm spending money on take out and stuff that I shouldn't, but in the beginning, I would do anything to make myself feel just a little bit better. 

I've curbed the takeout and restaurants, but the children are really good at milking me for things.  And I don't know, the guilt makes me cave. 

Any help?! advice, tough love. 

[busymom]

Glad to see you again here!  So sorry for everything you're dealing with.


I don't know if this is a "thing" where you live, but here I've known women who sort of got screwed over in divorce settlements to take their ex back to court to get a better "deal", for lack of a better term.  I don't know where you live, and you don't have to say if you're uncomfortable, but in this part of the country you could buy a house & do just fine on $110,000 per year.  

You're going to have to tell the kids that you love them, but right now Mom needs to work on her future, so the "bank of Mom" is currently closed.  Tell them to hit up Dad for some money.  


I think parking some of your money in a CD until you have your next steps figured out is a good idea.  Make sure you've set aside a separate emergency fund you can tap into if you need money in a hurry.    


For now, just breathe.  Take small steps.  No one can figure it all out in a day.  (I sure can't!)  Remember, we're rooting for you!  

[Sunnyday]

Thank you busymom!

I don't think that is an option to go back to court for me. It wasn't exactly fair, but it wasn't complete screwed over territory. Also, I want to be done with it. Just done. It's just money.
Spending another 15K on lawyers to fight over 15K... it's just not in me. 

I just think that I shouldn't do much right now financially as I've been told that after a major life change, we should just relax and not make any major decisions. 

I just want to spend on myself though, to live a little, and then I've got all these upcoming expenses.

Don't know.. I just don't know where to start. Eventually, I'm going to put together all my expenses and my monthly salary, so that people can rip into it.

At least people use to do that... lol

[Opti]

I'm certain YMers will love to help you with your budget when you post more numbers and what you want to do. I am sorry to read your marriage has ended but better days will be ahead for you. Do you live in a city and that's why your household only needed and had one car? Do you want a car for yourself or is that not important given where you live and work?

[minnesotapaintlady]

As a two time divorce survivor, trust me, you will be fine.  It will seem like a jumbled mess for awhile but then you'll get your grove.  I think putting some of that money into a CD is a good idea.  Also, nothing wrong with treating yourself for awhile, just be careful you don't overdo it.  How old are you and the kids? 

[raeoflyte]

Hi Sunny!  Getting your expenses written down and then start tracking what you're actually spending regardless of what you think you're budget is, is a good place to start.   

They say not to make any big changes for a year which I agree with mostly, but a house - depending on your housing market I might feel differently on.  Also a car if that is needed is probably a sooner than later.  But otherwise keep your settlement money out of sight/out of mind for while.  

When your kids are with their dad, can you do some small day/overnight trips?  Join a club, a sport, hobby you've always wanted.  

[Sunnyday]

Jan 5, 2024 6:55:34 GMT -5 Opti said:

I'm certain YMers will love to help you with your budget when you post more numbers and what you want to do. I am sorry to read your marriage has ended but better days will be ahead for you. Do you live in a city and that's why your household only needed and had one car? Do you want a car for yourself or is that not important given where you live and work?

Yes, I live in the city. No car needed or wanted. I get all my groceries delivered, and I either take the subway/bus or walk or bike everywhere.
Yes, I incur some extra costs such as grocery delivery and Amazon prime, but the cost of those are so much lower than owning and maintaining a car.

[Sunnyday]

Jan 5, 2024 8:36:04 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

As a two time divorce survivor, trust me, you will be fine.  It will seem like a jumbled mess for awhile but then you'll get your grove.  I think putting some of that money into a CD is a good idea.  Also, nothing wrong with treating yourself for awhile, just be careful you don't overdo it.  How old are you and the kids? 

Yes, I'm in a much better state than I was in the beginning.

I feel like I'm gathering my strength to remove my head from the sand, and slowly I'm trying to take control back money wise, because money has never been money for me, but more like "security or safety."  I don't know.
I'm in my mid 40s and the children are preteens.

[lurkyloo]

You’re upright and breathing, and it’s been a hard year for a lot of people even without the additional personal challenges.  Taking some time to not be perfect before you wade back into the fray is absolutely justified.

We can give more directed advice if we know a little more.  What is the median house price in your area?  How is the public transit/how much time would having a car save you?  (Do you have designated parking at your rental?) How old are your kids?

(ETA-underlined bit already answered while I was typing)

I think Canadian mortgages reset regularly to keep in step with current interest rates, correct? So, when you are ready you get to choose a fresh-slate home to make new memories and make sure you won’t suddenly be left holding a larger loan than you can afford.

Not sure what FDIC-esque rules are like in CA but money markets are paying around 5% right now, or your CD equivalents are fine.  It sounds like you’ll need a fair chunk of the nest egg in the near future so it doesn’t belong in the market at this point.

Welcome back!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

As far as cosmetic surgery does your health insurance offer an HSA?  You can put in as much or as little as you want and overtime it will build up.   Then you are working towards that desired goal.  Even if all you are putting in is $20 per paycheck it's still $40 a month saved.

Plus it's there if you have any unexpected medical issues AND it pre-tax so that helps lower your taxable income so that's a win too.

[lurkyloo]

Jan 5, 2024 10:33:26 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

As far as cosmetic surgery does your health insurance offer an HSA?  You can put in as much or as little as you want and overtime it will build up.   Then you are working towards that desired goal.  Even if all you are putting in is $20 per paycheck it's still $40 a month saved.

Plus it's there if you have any unexpected medical issues AND it pre-tax so that helps lower your taxable income so that's a win too.

Not sure if HSAs are a thing in Canada, or whether you can use them for cosmetic procedures…but probably there are some grey area procedures (deviated septum winkwink)

I like the idea of saving toward that kind of goal though-that way you are doing something and have a plan, but not doing it immediately so you can take time to really figure out what you want.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jan 5, 2024 10:39:06 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Jan 5, 2024 10:33:26 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

As far as cosmetic surgery does your health insurance offer an HSA?  You can put in as much or as little as you want and overtime it will build up.   Then you are working towards that desired goal.  Even if all you are putting in is $20 per paycheck it's still $40 a month saved.

Plus it's there if you have any unexpected medical issues AND it pre-tax so that helps lower your taxable income so that's a win too.

Not sure if HSAs are a thing in Canada, or whether you can use them for cosmetic procedures…but probably there are some grey area procedures (deviated septum winkwink)

I like the idea of saving toward that kind of goal though-that way you are doing something and have a plan, but not doing it immediately so you can take time to really figure out what you want.

Oh she's in Canada.  My reading comprehension skills are not good today.

And apparently no you cannot use them for cosmetic surgery.  Not something I thought to look up before. 

Okay never mind take whatever you would put in an HSA yearly and stick it in a savings account marked "For Sunnyday's wants".   

[Sunnyday]

Jan 5, 2024 10:42:27 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jan 5, 2024 10:39:06 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Not sure if HSAs are a thing in Canada, or whether you can use them for cosmetic procedures…but probably there are some grey area procedures (deviated septum winkwink)

I like the idea of saving toward that kind of goal though-that way you are doing something and have a plan, but not doing it immediately so you can take time to really figure out what you want.

Oh she's in Canada.  My reading comprehension skills are not good today.

And apparently no you cannot use them for cosmetic surgery.  Not something I thought to look up before. 

Okay never mind take whatever you would put in an HSA yearly and stick it in a savings account marked "For Sunnyday's wants".   

It's not deviated septum, I wish it was.
It's loose skin. I've never been obese, but the 2 pregnancies destroyed my stomach.
The skin just hangs. I'm very much at a healthy weight, but it just looks so gross.
I've been very self conscious about it, and my ex comments about it really did a number on me.
I'm willing to go into debt for it. I want it done as soon as I can even if I don't have the money.

[bean29]

Jan 5, 2024 10:51:07 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Jan 5, 2024 10:42:27 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Oh she's in Canada.  My reading comprehension skills are not good today.

And apparently no you cannot use them for cosmetic surgery.  Not something I thought to look up before. 

Okay never mind take whatever you would put in an HSA yearly and stick it in a savings account marked "For Sunnyday's wants".   

It's not deviated septum, I wish it was.
It's loose skin. I've never been obese, but the 2 pregnancies destroyed my stomach.
The skin just hangs. I'm very much at a healthy weight, but it just looks so gross.
I've been very self conscious about it, and my ex comments about it really did a number on me.
I'm willing to go into debt for it. I want it done as soon as I can even if I don't have the money.

Welcome back Sunny Day, I remember you.

I am going to be 60 this month, and I recently lost a bit of weight, but am carrying a lot of loose skin in my stomach area too.  I have thought about getting a tummy tuck, but have no idea how much they cost.  I think this would be a good investment if you are in your 40's as long as it is affordable for you.  I have no idea what the recovery time is for a tummy tuck is though.  A place to start would be to get a few consults and find out how much it costs and what it involves.  

[giramomma]

Jan 5, 2024 10:51:07 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Jan 5, 2024 10:42:27 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Oh she's in Canada.  My reading comprehension skills are not good today.

And apparently no you cannot use them for cosmetic surgery.  Not something I thought to look up before. 

Okay never mind take whatever you would put in an HSA yearly and stick it in a savings account marked "For Sunnyday's wants".   

It's not deviated septum, I wish it was.
It's loose skin. I've never been obese, but the 2 pregnancies destroyed my stomach.
The skin just hangs. I'm very much at a healthy weight, but it just looks so gross.
I've been very self conscious about it, and my ex comments about it really did a number on me.
I'm willing to go into debt for it. I want it done as soon as I can even if I don't have the money.

Big hugs. I have the same, plus obese. I'm pretty self-conscious about it too.

andi9899 had a tummy tuck a few years back. Maybe she can talk a little bit about the expected recovery and what not. It's still going to to take some planning.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jan 5, 2024 1:55:11 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Thank you busymom !

I don't think that is an option to go back to court for me. It wasn't exactly fair, but it wasn't complete screwed over territory. Also, I want to be done with it. Just done. It's just money.
Spending another 15K on lawyers to fight over 15K... it's just not in me. 

I just think that I shouldn't do much right now financially as I've been told that after a major life change, we should just relax and not make any major decisions. 

I just want to spend on myself though, to live a little, and then I've got all these upcoming expenses.

Don't know.. I just don't know where to start. Eventually, I'm going to put together all my expenses and my monthly salary, so that people can rip into it.

At least people use to do that... lol

This!  Listen to this advice!  I told my sister this after her divorce, she ignored me and now she’s got a $400k boat anchor around her neck she’s trying to sell in an economy with too high interest rates.  

Plan a vacation, so you have something to look forward to.  It doesn’t have to be huge or expensive, but plan it.  Scratch the travel bug.  

[flamingo]

I don't have a lot to add, but I do want to say that you'll be ok. I know it seems awful and overwhelming now, but I have confidence that you'll bounce back and be happier and healthier on the other side.

Also, get the tummy tuck. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I financed it (on a 0% for a year cc) and was just diligent paying it off. It sounds like you really want it and it would make you happy. 

[andi9899]

Jan 5, 2024 12:30:43 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jan 5, 2024 10:51:07 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

It's not deviated septum, I wish it was.
It's loose skin. I've never been obese, but the 2 pregnancies destroyed my stomach.
The skin just hangs. I'm very much at a healthy weight, but it just looks so gross.
I've been very self conscious about it, and my ex comments about it really did a number on me.
I'm willing to go into debt for it. I want it done as soon as I can even if I don't have the money.

Big hugs. I have the same, plus obese. I'm pretty self-conscious about it too.

andi9899 had a tummy tuck a few years back. Maybe she can talk a little bit about the expected recovery and what not. It's still going to to take some planning.

I did have one. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was picturing a grueling recovery that would last months. It didn't end up that way. I think I was on the pain meds 2 or 3 days before I started weaning myself off of them and onto ibuprofen.

I will say that not being able to stand upright was pretty weird. I gradually was able to again, but the first week or so was crazy. The draining tube was the worst part with tracking the fluid and the general mind fuck of having tubes sticking out of you.

I think the hardest part was just sitting my ass down. I am a pretty active person, so taking a couple of months off the gym was awful. Ask me anything else you want to know.

[Opti]

Jan 5, 2024 10:51:07 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Jan 5, 2024 10:42:27 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Oh she's in Canada.  My reading comprehension skills are not good today.

And apparently no you cannot use them for cosmetic surgery.  Not something I thought to look up before. 

Okay never mind take whatever you would put in an HSA yearly and stick it in a savings account marked "For Sunnyday's wants".   

It's not deviated septum, I wish it was.
It's loose skin. I've never been obese, but the 2 pregnancies destroyed my stomach.
The skin just hangs. I'm very much at a healthy weight, but it just looks so gross.
I've been very self conscious about it, and my ex comments about it really did a number on me.
I'm willing to go into debt for it. I want it done as soon as I can even if I don't have the money.

I'm so sorry about the excess skin. And I'm sorry your Ex made you feel bad about the results of you having kids. I hope you are able to have the surgery as soon as reasonable for you. Per the peeps on my 600lb life, the initial healing/after surgery seriously hurts but I don't think any of them said put the skin back ... so I hope you can do this for yourself and I'm sorry if I told you things you already know. 

[Sunnyday]

Thank you @opti, I'm super embarrassed about even wanting it. 
But then I said, "screw it!"
I have a right to be happy, and no one is coming to do it for me. 

[Sunnyday]

It took me some time to put this together. I'm ready for the feedback. 

I'm pretty shocked at how much money is spent on eating out and food.

Some of the expenses are outliers and some of the money coming in were outliers as well. 
In Oct, I received a 1K child credit; and Dec had 3 pay weeks.
I bought furniture in Oct/Dec.
I am stopping therapy and the legal fees will keep becoming less and less as I wrap things up legally. 
I started saving money again in Dec.

Month	Oct 2023	Nov 2023	Dec 2023
Banking fee	3.95	3.95	3.95
Grocery	858.12	675.44	960.4
Restaurant/Uber Eats	432.23	465.18	495.78
Rent	1750	1750	1750
Internet	45.99	45.99	45.99
public transportation	27.6	27.6	27.6
YouTube	26.43	26.43	26.43
Amazon Prime	11.49	11.49	11.49
Electricity	85.92	0	112.07
Cellphone	35.02	35.02	35.02
Cellphone - child 1	17.78	17.78	17.78
Clothing	324.14	0	0
Setting up the household	1462.16	1103.07	663.91
Water heater	0	29.41	30.56
Misc	325	325	325
Holidays	0	0	195.22
Savings	0	0	1200
Yearly fee - apartmental rental insurance	206.01	0	0
Legal fees	1241.85	934.67	275.94
Therapy	325.5	488.25	162.75
Bike share	3.74	0	0
Travel	0	929.55	0
Medication	0	100.97	0
Total expenses	7182.93	6969.8	5139.89
Money coming in	6955.39	5879.88	8819.5
Difference	-227.54	-1089.92	2479.61

[azucena]

One key in my financial journey has been to budget paycheck by paycheck one month at a time. Outlining my main bills and paying the ones due with each check. I have a second checking account where I hold money needed for bigger upcoming bills or the weeks with bills that aren't covered by the paycheck that week.

Then, I siphon off anything extra straight into savings to make my main checking account look poorer.

Paying off any credit card charges with each paycheck is also key.

Now that you're settling back into life, def cut down on the eating out. For me, it's helped to keep easy meals on hand for exhausting work days.



Keep an eye on misc spending and narrow it down further next month.

Overall your budget isn't bad for such upheaval and looks like you have a nice income.

[Sunnyday]

Jan 5, 2024 22:14:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

One key in my financial journey has been to budget paycheck by paycheck one month at a time. Outlining my main bills and paying the ones due with each check. I have a second checking account where I hold money needed for bigger upcoming bills or the weeks with bills that aren't covered by the paycheck that week.

Then, I siphon off anything extra straight into savings to make my main checking account look poorer.

Paying off any credit card charges with each paycheck is also key.

Now that you're settling back into life, def cut down on the eating out. For me, it's helped to keep easy meals on hand for exhausting work days.



Keep an eye on misc spending and narrow it down further next month.

Overall your budget isn't bad for such upheaval and looks like you have a nice income.

My pay checks have been higher because it's the end of year, and they were adjusting.
Normally, I have about 5,188 coming in monthly after taxes and 3% removed for retirement. 

[Sunnyday]

Jan 5, 2024 22:05:07 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

Month	Oct 2023	Nov 2023	Dec 2023
Banking fee	3.95	3.95	3.95
Grocery	858.12	675.44	960.4
Restaurant/Uber Eats	432.23	465.18	495.78
Rent	1750	1750	1750
Internet	45.99	45.99	45.99
public transportation	27.6	27.6	27.6
YouTube	26.43	26.43	26.43
Amazon Prime	11.49	11.49	11.49
Electricity	85.92	0	112.07
Cellphone	35.02	35.02	35.02
Cellphone - child 1	17.78	17.78	17.78
Clothing	324.14	0	0
Setting up the household	1462.16	1103.07	663.91
Water heater	0	29.41	30.56
Misc	325	325	325
Holidays	0	0	195.22
Savings	0	0	1200
Yearly fee - apartmental rental insurance	206.01	0	0
Legal fees	1241.85	934.67	275.94
Therapy	325.5	488.25	162.75
Bike share	3.74	0	0
Travel	0	929.55	0
Medication	0	100.97	0
Total expenses	7182.93	6969.8	5139.89
Money coming in	6955.39	5879.88	8819.5
Difference	-227.54	-1089.92	2479.61

I know that I said was emotionally fragile, but I'm still mentally strong. LOL
Specific feedback would be good. Positive or negative, maybe just not trolling for the sake of trolling.


Where should I shave, suggestions on reducing costs, obviously the food and eating out is HUGE!
I seriously thought that I cut back on that. I really did! I started making "homemade" frozen dinners for days I would be too tired. Batch cooking....

But clearly the numbers don't reflect that. I know that I have some leaks elsewhere, I usually pay with credit card or debit, but every once in a while, I use cash. So I put that "misc" there to take care of it.

[jerseygirl]

You pay for YouTube? I can access it free, maybe commercials make it free?

[Sunnyday]

Jan 6, 2024 12:53:29 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

You pay for YouTube? I can access it free, maybe commercials make it free?

Yes, I pay for YouTub premium. I do all of my learning there.
Meditation videos
Inner child work
Trauma
Hobbies.
I listen to about 16 hours a day. Lol (on 2x) to just learn.
It would seriously drive me crazy to listen to commercials during a meditation video.


I do have the family plan, but I don't think my children use it. They keep logging in with their school IDs, so I'm going to revert back to the single plan. I've just been lazy, I will do it this month.

[raeoflyte]

Groceries and eating out are our killer too.  You're pretty consistent with those.  It would be nice to do a huge reduction to both categories, but realistically, I'd aim to reduce both 10% in January.  I try to keep more freezer meals the kids like for when I desperately don't want to cook and would eat out just to save myself from cooking and cleaning.  

What I don't see in your budget is sinking funds, but maybe miscellaneous covers that?  You have medication listed once, and I'm guessing you don't have a lot of oop expenses, but braces? eye glasses?  I would think there are still some things you need to be setting something aside for.  

If you're normal take home pay is $5100 your next few months #'s are going to look a lot worse, but with legal fees and house set up fees decreasing that will help.  I'm not always a huge fan of therapy but I'm not sure if it would be the first place I'd cut either.  If you keep tracking I think you're probably going to find those gaps.  

[Sunnyday]

What are sinking costs?

Jan's goal is to reduce groceries to 800 and eating out to 200.
It's going to be a challenge as I have one of my children's birthday, and the ingredients for the birthday cake are expensive (whipping cream, marscapone cheese, lady fingers). They also want to eat out at their favourite fast food place. 

[resolution]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I think its really crappy that your ex complained about the way your body changed after having children. My sister had a Mommy Makeover (tummy and boobs) after her last pregnancy, and she was really happy with the results. Plus later when she hosted parties and her friends were discussing their surgeries, she had something to contribute.

Your normal expenses look reasonable for your situation, but the legal fees have had a big impact. Are the legal fees done or do you still have upcoming legal expenses? Your December expenses came in under your expected income, so if that is the new normal, you have some time to figure things out and you don't have to make any crisis decisions. 

I recommend that you try to estimate a monthly amount for some of the more irregular expenses. For example, the "setting up the household" sounds like a lot of up front expenses, so consider if you need to give it a few more months and finish setting it up, or if now is a good time to plan an ongoing amount for household items. For therapy, the cost fluctuates a lot from month to month, is there an average figure for therapy that you can anticipate? Same for travel and healthcare?  Once you have figured out an average monthly expense, you can see if your overall budget is on track, and how much you can allocate to additional retirement and savings.

[raeoflyte]

Jan 6, 2024 13:14:11 GMT -5 Sunnyday said:

What are sinking costs?

Sorry - saving money each month for quarterly, yearly, or expected but unknown costs (car/house repairs, medical, etc).