Being a nice person is not the same as being kind.

[Tiny]

Wasn't sure where to put this: 

Being a nice person is not the same as being kind. Why the difference is so important

www.cnn.com/2023/11/13/health/nice-vs-kind-difference-wellness/index.html

It's a good read. And it's something I've thought about in the past - someone who's just being "nice" versus someone who is being "kind".    And sometimes how "kindness" doesn't always play out in a good way (I call this the "Road to hell is paved with good intentions"   as in tried to do something good/kind but it went sideways fast and now every one is angry or a problem/issue has become bigger and/or more awful.     Doing something that felt (or was intended as)  kind just caused more pain or confusion. ) 


What are your thoughts on being kind, being nice? 



This sentence confused me.  It just doesn't sound right to me: 

Being kind is less self-serving, said Dr. Ash Nadkarni, an associate psychiatrist and director of wellness at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Massachusetts.

On the one hand, kindness involves being generous without expecting to get nothing in return.

The other half is the purpose behind the action. A kind person is acting out of compassion and genuine concern for another.

I would have expected it to read:   
...kindness involves being generous without expecting to get something in return.
OR 
... kindness involves being generous  expecting to nothing in return. 


Not expecting to get nothing... sounds like there's an expectation to get something.  

[Cookies Galore]

I'm from the Philadelphia region and people here are not nice but we sure are kind. If you walk into a pole someone might make a sarcastic comment about looking where you're going, but they'll also be the first person to make sure you're okay.

[TheOtherMe]

Here people say we are Iowa Nice.  We are not Iowa Nice unless you agree with us.  If you dare not agree with us, we will call you all kinds of names.

[billisonboard]

When reading this article, I thought about this thread  (https://ymam.proboards.com/thread/67276/iran-terrorists) and the discussion there of US interactions with the world. We could be kinder instead of nice.

[giramomma]

I agree with the difference between nice and kind.

When my dad passed, the nice people said "sorry for your loss" or something when they heard. The nice people felt it necessary to share news that was not theirs to share.

I didn't matter.

Now, the kind people put themselves in my shoes and contributed to a small "gift"  that really helped. That was a kindness. The kind people knew the relationship I had with my parents and didn't even say much.

I mattered.

When I had cancer, our school principal asked if we would me to be added to the prayer network. I said absolutely not.  It sounds kind, but it's just gives an opening for folks to be nosy about something that doesn't affect them.

Kindness was a parent who bought me flowers at the start of the school year to say "we're glad to have you fully participating."

You can fake nice. You can't fake kindness.

[giramomma]

I thought about this thread.

I wrote a nice email. I have no intention of kindness.

[nidena]

Makes me think of that Friends episode where it's discussed about whether RAoK are for the giver or the receiver.  The premise was that even when you may intend for it to only benefit the receiver, you're doing them/it because it makes you feel good, too.  That was an epiphany for Phoebe.

In any case, as a retail worker, I have nice down to a science.  I mean, how else can you help folx spend hundreds of $$ when they only meant to buy one thing.  lol.

Yesterday, I was kind.  I noticed a $100 bill on the floor of the apothecary that I was in.  There was only one other customer.  Nobody had noticed that he dropped it.  I saw it, asked him if it was his, and returned it to him.  Coulda used that $100.  lol.

[bookkeeper]

This thread reminds me of the time my brother had to explain to his young son what the difference between people being "friendly" and a true "friend".

The son had been burned by people who were "friendly", when he thought they were his "friends".

[TheOtherMe]

I follow a grief counselor on Instagram.  Yesterday's topic was about what happened to you when your person died that the person that did it thought it was kind and it hurt you.

Very interesting responses.

[daisylu]

There is huge difference between the two. I believe that I am kind, but I am not nice. Others may think differently. To me "nice" is fake and expects something in return.

I will admit that I am "kind" until someone gives a reason to not be.

[Deleted]

Nov 15, 2023 11:59:14 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I follow a grief counselor on Instagram.  Yesterday's topic was about what happened to you when your person died that the person that did it thought it was kind and it hurt you.

Very interesting responses.

Can you tell me who this grief counselor is?

I have been grieving for a year and like reading whatever I can find.

[billisonboard]

Nov 15, 2023 11:59:35 GMT -5 daisylu said:

There is huge difference between the two. I believe that I am kind, but I am not nice. Others may think differently. To me "nice" is fake and expects something in return.

I will admit that I am "kind" until someone gives a reason to not be.

I don't see nice as inherently fake. It is somewhat superficial. I attempt to be nice to everyone by smiling, acknowledging, holding doors, etc. And I do expect in return that they be nice to me and also "pay it forward" so society runs smoother. I work to be kind in situations which call for it.

[TheOtherMe]

Nov 15, 2023 15:40:32 GMT -5 @blue said:

Nov 15, 2023 11:59:14 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I follow a grief counselor on Instagram.  Yesterday's topic was about what happened to you when your person died that the person that did it thought it was kind and it hurt you.

Very interesting responses.

Can you tell me who this grief counselor is?

I have been grieving for a year and like reading whatever I can find.

Her account is called Refugeingrief and her name is Megan Devine

[Tiny]

The thing about "nice" is that being polite often entails being "nice". It's part of our social contract with each other. Being nice can be neutral. Which might be what the situation calls for.

[Artemis Windsong]

My being nice is not posting a snarky remark or saying one to someone.  My kindness would be to offer a solution.

My snap back on someone who was grieving.  I took a full meal to her house because she was expecting family.  I know it was grief speaking, somewhat, but she could be sharp tongued.  She asked why I brought it.  She asked why I didn't include money in the sympathy card.  She told me she had better friends than me. 

I let it pass by me but within the next few years, I will have nothing to do with her.

[movingforward]

Nov 15, 2023 11:59:14 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I follow a grief counselor on Instagram.  Yesterday's topic was about what happened to you when your person died that the person that did it thought it was kind and it hurt you.

Very interesting responses.

That's how I felt about most of the south while growing up. That whole southern hospitality thing only applied to people that looked and acted the way they wanted. The best was when the after church crowd on Sundays would come into the restaurant where I worked and leave me church pamphlets for a tip. I was told I shouldn't have been working on Sunday but apparently it's okay for them to go eat out where we are working.

[haapai]

Nov 17, 2023 15:14:36 GMT -5 movingforward said:

Nov 15, 2023 11:59:14 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I follow a grief counselor on Instagram.  Yesterday's topic was about what happened to you when your person died that the person that did it thought it was kind and it hurt you.

Very interesting responses.

That's how I felt about most of the south while growing up. That whole southern hospitality thing only applied to people that looked and acted the way they wanted. The best was when the after church crowd on Sundays would come into the restaurant where I worked and leave me church pamphlets for a tip. I was told I shouldn't have been working on Sunday but apparently it's okay for them to go eat out where we are working.

I work mornings in a grocery store and almost every Sunday.  I once had a coworker who absolutely hated working Sundays.  She didn't want to go to church, she just didn't want to deal with the customers who had just been to church.  In her words, "Most people are assholes immediately after they have worshiped." 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Nov 17, 2023 17:02:55 GMT -5 haapai said:

Nov 17, 2023 15:14:36 GMT -5 movingforward said:

That's how I felt about most of the south while growing up. That whole southern hospitality thing only applied to people that looked and acted the way they wanted. The best was when the after church crowd on Sundays would come into the restaurant where I worked and leave me church pamphlets for a tip. I was told I shouldn't have been working on Sunday but apparently it's okay for them to go eat out where we are working.

I work mornings in a grocery store and almost every Sunday.  I once had a coworker who absolutely hated working Sundays.  She didn't want to go to church, she just didn't want to deal with the customers who had just been to church.  In her words, "Most people are assholes immediately after they have worshiped." 

Some of the worst people to deal with as a server was the after church crowd.  Followed very closely by the bus loads of old ladies coming from the casinos.

[nidena]

When I was a kid and my grandpa and I would be driving passed a full church parking lot on Sundays, he'd say "Look at all those mean people.  They're so mean, they gotta go to church."  Still rings true.

[Pink Cashmere]

I was raised to be respectful and polite to people, and I guess I added in my own mind, unless they give me a reason not to be either. But respectful and polite is still my first behavior, and what happens after that, depends on the person I am interacting with. 

I am born and raised in the south and I have always said here that “southern manners” are a real thing. That was reinforced yesterday when I got out of my Jeep in a garage at the airport, had eye contact with a lady a couple of cars over, and said “hello”. She said “I know I’m home, because people greet each other here.” She said she’d been in New Hampshire for a couple of months, and people do not speak to one another and just say hello or nod in greeting, like people do here, at home. Then she said, I hope you have a great day, and I said “I hope you do too” and we both went about her business. That is a true life story that really happened yesterday.

But “southern manners” also means that we can deliver insults in a genteel manner. Or in my case, just come on out with it in a way that makes it clear that it is the intention to insult or offend. 

So, my tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt at first interaction, and be respectful and polite, is what I consider being a “nice” person.

I also consider myself to be a kind person too, though. I do things that I consider “sprinkling a little kindness in the world” for people, even random strangers, without expecting anything in return, or making a big deal about the fact that I did it. Sometimes it’s just trying to encourage a random person that for whatever reason chose me to confide in (there is apparently something about me that inspires people that I don’t even know, to do that, whether I want to hear it or not) and sometimes it is something more concrete. For me, being kind is really a way of showing love for the people I care about, and also for people I don’t even know. 

I must be kind of tangled up with some of this these days though, because one of the things I have been reminding myself of every day lately, is that “I don’t have to be nice to anyone”. I think that is more of a personal issue though, and me recognizing that sometimes me being “nice”, is to people that don’t deserve it. I try to be polite, even when I have reason not to be sometimes, and that is me being “nice”, among other things.

But even with that, my desire to be kind, and the things I do to be that, are always genuine. Those acts come from nothing but things that fall under what can be described as love for other people, even if they are not part of my personal life. 

I never really thought about it until this thread, but after having thought about it, I do believe that there is a difference.

[finnime]

It's interesting to me what you write about southern manners, Pink. I moved from Philadelphia where I went to school and before that, from New England, to Virginia Beach. It took me a long time, well over a year, before I became accustomed to what felt like intrusiveness of other people in public. I am naturally introverted as well. I was very comfortable with keeping to myself in public. Strangers initiating conversations and making eye contact took a while to get used to.

Even after living my adult life in the south moving back here was easy. DH is very glad to be here, but he commented one day about how other people, men generally, look away when he encounters them in public. I told him that's not being impolite or standoffish; that's just the way we are. He's gotten more used to it now.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 13, 2023 17:58:29 GMT -5 Tiny said:

Wasn't sure where to put this: 

Being a nice person is not the same as being kind. Why the difference is so important

www.cnn.com/2023/11/13/health/nice-vs-kind-difference-wellness/index.html

It's a good read. And it's something I've thought about in the past - someone who's just being "nice" versus someone who is being "kind".    And sometimes how "kindness" doesn't always play out in a good way (I call this the "Road to hell is paved with good intentions"   as in tried to do something good/kind but it went sideways fast and now every one is angry or a problem/issue has become bigger and/or more awful.     Doing something that felt (or was intended as)  kind just caused more pain or confusion. ) 


What are your thoughts on being kind, being nice? 



This sentence confused me.  It just doesn't sound right to me: 

Being kind is less self-serving, said Dr. Ash Nadkarni, an associate psychiatrist and director of wellness at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Massachusetts.

On the one hand, kindness involves being generous without expecting to get nothing in return.

The other half is the purpose behind the action. A kind person is acting out of compassion and genuine concern for another.

I would have expected it to read:   
...kindness involves being generous without expecting to get something in return.
OR 
... kindness involves being generous  expecting to nothing in return. 


Not expecting to get nothing... sounds like there's an expectation to get something.  

I agree. Not worded well. Editor should have caught it, IMO.

Interesting subject.

[Tennesseer]

Being a nice person is not the same as being a kind or a concerned person.

I might have mentioned this incident this past spring somewhere on the boards.

I was driving down a very busy avenue in Memphis this past spring.  I had stopped for a traffic light so the traffic waiting to exit a Super WalMart and a Sam's Club could exit.  Across the street was an Aldi's.  Plenty of vehicles driving all over the place.

While I was waiting for the light to change so I and others could continue, I notice what is best described as a big item on the sidewalk covered by some blue tarp or blanket on the busy avenue and very close to the entrance/exit from the WalMart store shopping center.  Once the light changed, all the drivers including me went on our way.  I passed the large blue object and thought something was wrong here.  I pulled over and turned on my flashers.  I walked up to the blue object.

I gently poked it and it moved.  Someone was underneath it.  I started speaking to who ever was underneath it.  A man slowly stirred and got up.  I asked him if he was alright.  He was slurring his words but he said he was all right.  He said he was just sleeping.  He concerned me and while he was trying to get himself together, I called the police for assistance.  I did not tell him I called the police.  I asked him if he needed help.  He said if I could give him a home to live in or a job, that would be the help he needed.  That wasn't possible from my end.  I then told him I had called the police and help for him was on its way.  

He said he needed no help, gathered he few belongings and began to wander across the street to a strip mall.  I saw a firetruck coming to my location but waved them to go across the street.  The firetruck saw me waving them off and they then saw the guy across the street and stopped him.  I do not know the outcome of the interaction between the man and fire department.  

Meanwhile, a couple parked over in WalMart had walked over and watched what I was doing.  As my interaction with the man was over, I began to leave.  The male member of the couple walked over to me to thank me and he handed me his business card.  He said if I ever needed anything to give him a call.

I later looked at his business card.  He was a director of medical physics and biophysics at the university of Tennessee health science center/college of medicine department of radiation oncology.  I suppose if I ever need oncology help I might give him a call but I would check first with my PCP.

I did not stop because I was a nice person or a kind person.  I was a concerned person.  I must also say I was appalled that hundreds of drivers leaving Walmart or driving through the busy intersection never bothered to stop and help.   It cost me nothing to help this guy.  

I tell this incident not looking for thank yous. I am a bit uncomfortable telling it. I tell it because I was so disappointed in others not bothering to help someone so desparately in need.

[TheOtherMe]

A man I follow on FB is a photographer in Des Moines.  He is a Bosnian refugee who now has US citizenship.  He has a huge heart and many people had commented about a homeless woman always at the same place no matter the weather with a sign saying she needed money.

A large number of people decided to help financially to get her in to an apartment and off the streets.  He would pay the direct bills and give her an allowance in addition to whatever SSI she received.  So money was donated.

He got her in to an apartment and people donated furniture.  The women did a FB live with him to thank everyone for their help.  

Then her tone changed.  She started asking for things that the group felt she did not need.  If she wanted those things, they felt it should come from her income.  Obviously she did not agree.

She became abusive to the guy who had taken her under his wings and he ended up changing his phone number.  So she mailed him letters.  She said the money that had been collected was specifically for her.  That was not true.  The plan was once she was on her own, he would move on to someone else.  She sent a letter allegedly from an attorney demanding the money.  There was no attorney by that name.  Contact with her was cut off and people reported she was back on her street corner.  He had paid for 90 days in the apartment so who knows what happened there.  Had shown gratitude, she could still be in that apartment.

He finally talked to people who help the homeless and got a better idea of how to help more than just one person.  He didn't want to feel like a failure which he was feeling like.  A few weeks ago he had a food truck sent to a place where homeless people get meals.  He worked with that center on the number of people they feed, etc. so they would have so much food ready.  The food truck spent all of the money he had provided and he told them to keep giving the food away and paid for that out of the funds.

He is trying to help and he has a group of people who are donating to the cause.  He is learning what he can and can't do.

This mind is not only nice, but he is kind.

[finnime]

He is very kind, TheOtherMe, and thoughtful. We all are blessed by such people in the world.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 19, 2023 13:21:56 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Being a nice person is not the same as being a kind or a concerned person.

I might have mentioned this incident this past spring somewhere on the boards.

I was driving down a very busy avenue in Memphis this past spring.  I had stopped for a traffic light so the traffic waiting to exit a Super WalMart and a Sam's Club could exit.  Across the street was an Aldi's.  Plenty of vehicles driving all over the place.

While I was waiting for the light to change so I and others could continue, I notice what is best described as a big item on the sidewalk covered by some blue tarp or blanket on the busy avenue and very close to the entrance/exit from the WalMart store shopping center.  Once the light changed, all the drivers including me went on our way.  I passed the large blue object and thought something was wrong here.  I pulled over and turned on my flashers.  I walked up to the blue object.

I gently poked it and it moved.  Someone was underneath it.  I started speaking to who ever was underneath it.  A man slowly stirred and got up.  I asked him if he was alright.  He was slurring his words but he said he was all right.  He said he was just sleeping.  He concerned me and while he was trying to get himself together, I called the police for assistance.  I did not tell him I called the police.  I asked him if he needed help.  He said if I could give him a home to live in or a job, that would be the help he needed.  That wasn't possible from my end.  I then told him I had called the police and help for him was on its way.  

He said he needed no help, gathered he few belongings and began to wander across the street to a strip mall.  I saw a firetruck coming to my location but waved them to go across the street.  The firetruck saw me waving them off and they then saw the guy across the street and stopped him.  I do not know the outcome of the interaction between the man and fire department.  

Meanwhile, a couple parked over in WalMart had walked over and watched what I was doing.  As my interaction with the man was over, I began to leave.  The male member of the couple walked over to me to thank me and he handed me his business card.  He said if I ever needed anything to give him a call.

I later looked at his business card.  He was a director of medical physics and biophysics at the university of Tennessee health science center/college of medicine department of radiation oncology.  I suppose if I ever need oncology help I might give him a call but I would check first with my PCP.

I did not stop because I was a nice person or a kind person.  I was a concerned person.  I must also say I was appalled that hundreds of drivers leaving Walmart or driving through the busy intersection never bothered to stop and help.   It cost me nothing to help this guy.  

I tell this incident not looking for thank yous. I am a bit uncomfortable telling it. I tell it because I was so disappointed in others not bothering to help someone so desparately in need.

I am often impressed by your knowledge and the things you do. Although I too, would be concerned, I would have stayed safely in my car and driven past the man, as I dialed the police, to report what I'd seen. I would leave it to them, to check on him. I'd be too afraid, to approach him, personally. So, although I would look like an uncaring witch, for not stopping, it's not likely I could help him. So I'd prefer to stay safe.
Especially at my age and in my health condition.

I once drove near a water main break, in the middle of a city street. The water was gushing up higher than the big bldg next to it, was tall. I called 911 and reported it, in case the MANY other cars that had driven by it, before me, didnt. It was next to a freeway exit, so there was a LOT of traffic going by. You couldn't miss it. Many cars, had to detour, to get around it. The same as I did.
I was shocked, to find out I was the only one to call it in.
I'm sure people didn't know who to call, or what to do. Neither did I. But when you see Old Faithful spewing in the middle of the street your on, it's hard to miss. I called 911, because although it wasn't a police matter, I decided they could direct my call to the proper place. Which is what they did.

The fire dept and public utilities arrived quickly. They turned the water off and put up a block aid, so no one would drive into the giant hole, until it could be repaired.

Not a nice, or a kind thing. Just logical, to me, when there was nothing I could do, to fix it.

I've reported extension ladders being on the freeway, as well as a person walking on the freeway, for no apparent reason. There was no car in sight, that wasn't moving. Again, I didn't stop and check with the person, but I did report it, so someone, better able to handle the situation, could/would check on him. And get him the appropriate help he needed.

Different people, have different abilities and ways of handling things. Especially things out of their control. Sometimes it's best, just to stay, or get out of the way. I did that a couple of weeks ago too, as I drove past a house, fully engulf in flames. Again, I called 911, to report the fire, as there were no emergency vehicles at the scene yet. But I definitely needed to keep moving, so the people behind me, could keep moving. The emergency responders closed the road, in both directions, upon their arrival. Their job, mine. My job was to let them know about the situation, so they could respond and handle it. Which I did.

I am often appalled by the people willing to go by, as if they hadn't seen, or heard a thing, to avoid becoming involved. That I agree with you, on.

I'm glad you were safe.

[toomuchreality]

Tennesseer
It was nice of the man (part of the couple), to thank you. But his comment and business card seem kind of odd. Although perhaps if you were trying to deal with something at the time, pertaining to his field of work, you may be very grateful, for it.
Devine intervention? I don't know.
I wonder how many people have taken him up on his offer? And how many, he actually helped?

Curious minds, you know?

[Tennesseer]

Nov 20, 2023 5:50:50 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Tennesseer
It was nice of the man (part of the couple), to thank you. But his comment and business card seem kind of odd. Although perhaps if you were trying to deal with something at the time, pertaining to his field of work, you may be very grateful, for it.
Devine intervention? I don't know.
I wonder how many people have taken him up on his offer? And how many, he actually helped?

Curious minds, you know?

It would be hubristic of me to speculate why the guy gave me his business card. I'll just considerate it an offer of future information if I ever develop cancer.

[Tennesseer]

toomuchreality - It never dawned on me to consider my safety.  Subconsciously, I might have.  But with all that traffic around us two, a sane person would probably not strike out at someone who was trying to help him.

[jerseygirl]

Nov 20, 2023 8:27:11 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

toomuchreality - It never dawned on me to consider my safety.  Subconsciously, I might have.  But with all that traffic around us two, a sane person would probably not strike out at someone who was trying to help him.

That’s the problem. Sane? Might well not be sane