Advice on Estate Planning

[Deleted]

I mentioned on another thread that DH and I will probably meet with a new attorney to create a new and improved estate plan, possibly including a revocable trust.  I know that every situation and every state is different, but there are a lot of smart folks on this Board who have done this or have lived with the problem of relatives who did not have a quality plan in place.  I want to pick your collective brains for things to consider when setting this up, pitfalls, overlooked issues etc.  

One of the big things we want to address in planning is potential incompetency of one or both of us that would require a guardianship, and possibly successor guardians.

Please bear in mind that DH has very few living relatives, only 1 of whom he has spoken with in the last 12 months and I have no known living relatives.  We have no children.  Our heirs will be a couple of non-profits.  

If we were your YMAM mom & dad, what would you tell us to think about so we wouldn't be a PITA as time marches on?  The poster with the best response will inherit any living animals we have 

  

[pulmonarymd]

You want someone who can look at medical issues with the minimum of emotion and I willing to say enough is enough. Too often, people just pick family, and they will look at 85 yo mom and say, we can’t let her die. Mom then survives her acute illness, but needs a nursing home, and it goes downhill from there. You also need to have a frank discussion with both this individual, as well as your physician. Having these sort of discussions with your physician can help them guide your POA. I will see if I can find a document. It lays out what you do and fo not want in much greater detail than a generic living will. It can be quite helpful at end of life

[Happy prose]

pulmonarymd I would be interested in seeing this document as well. Please post or DM it if you find it. Thank you.

[jerseygirl]

We went through all our accounts and added beneficiaries, also put in % for those accounts that have that feature. Bank accounts are TOD or POD ( transfer or pay on death of account holder).
When my mom and sister passed it was simple to access /transfer funds and close accounts. No need for lawyers probate etc for those . In NJ can’t put beneficiary for house, other than joint tenant usually spouses. So when my DS passed, I used a lawyer to both close on house and deal with DS special needs trust with house in the trust. Proceeds went to DS niece and nephews (my kids)
Both mom and sister also had ‘regular’ wills

[Deleted]

Athul Gawande, the author of "Being Mortal" asks the question "What, to you, is living?" One guy told him that as long as he could watch football and eat chocolate, he was good.

I've thought about that and my standards are higher- mobility and mental acuity are important to me. Football is not. DS knows that if they tell him "we think we can get her through tis if we go to extraordinary measures but she'll be bedridden/in a vegetative state" he's to tell them to pull the plug. So, you may want to ask yourself that question and make sure your thoughts are in writing.

I've been fortunate that the two situations I've had where these decisions had to be made, there was no disagreement. My Ex was in a coma with multiple organ failure due to years of alcohol abuse (not my decision but DS was next of kin and the Ex's sister was involved- we let him go) and when our 90-year old Dad was in LTC for 18 months after a stroke and started failing. The nursing home offered to send him to the hospital for tests and my sister asked, "Why?" He died a week or so later.

You also need to find someone you trust to tell you honestly if you're losing your ability to handle money. Dad was scammed out of $7,000 by someone pretending to be a granddaughter who'd been arrested. He really felt bad about that. I think my brother the accountant monitored his finances after that. Plenty of slimeballs prey on the elderly. Some get themselves named guardians by the court and then bleed them dry.

[pulmonarymd]

Jul 14, 2022 17:29:20 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

pulmonarymd I would be interested in seeing this document as well. Please post or DM it if you find it. Thank you.

You can find these documents at polst.org

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2022 17:19:18 GMT -5 pulmonarymd said:

You want someone who can look at medical issues with the minimum of emotion and I willing to say enough is enough. Too often, people just pick family, and they will look at 85 yo mom and say, we can’t let her die. Mom then survives her acute illness, but needs a nursing home, and it goes downhill from there. You also need to have a frank discussion with both this individual, as well as your physician. Having these sort of discussions with your physician can help them guide your POA. I will see if I can find a document. It lays out what you do and fo not want in much greater detail than a generic living will. It can be quite helpful at end of life

That sounds like a very valuable document. I will have to name DH as medical POA and primary guardian because he is DH.  I don't know which way he will go - freeze like a deer in the headlights and say keep her alive at all costs or follow his true, very unemotional, nature and say let things take their course without intervention.  I'm hoping for the latter.  I will be his medical POA and primary guardian as well.  I'm really hoping when we get to redoing the medical POA he will be a little more mature and realistic about giving me some reasonable and executable guidance on his thoughts and feelings.  This is questionable because denying reality has served him well for 81 years.  Thanks for your input on this

[bookkeeper]

All good points brought forward so far.  One that I have to offer is this.  Have an outline of what you want to accomplish with a trust or directives that you can share with the institutions and individuals that you plan to hire in regards to your particular needs.

My Dad started with his investment guy instead of an attorney or a trust dept and made a giant time wasting event because he did not clearly state his intentions.  He then found out that his plan was very unfair to two of his children who refused to participate.

You are in a very different situation because you are the last of your people.  Sketch out what you want to happen ahead of your estate planning appointments.  Not everyone is good at communicating verbally what should/could happen.  Having a plan that you can refer to and change as needed is important at the beginning as well as the end.

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2022 17:50:22 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Athul Gawande, the author of "Being Mortal" asks the question "What, to you, is living?" One guy told him that as long as he could watch football and eat chocolate, he was good.

I've thought about that and my standards are higher- mobility and mental acuity are important to me. Football is not. DS knows that if they tell him "we think we can get her through tis if we go to extraordinary measures but she'll be bedridden/in a vegetative state" he's to tell them to pull the plug. So, you may want to ask yourself that question and make sure your thoughts are in writing.

I've been fortunate that the two situations I've had where these decisions had to be made, there was no disagreement. My Ex was in a coma with multiple organ failure due to years of alcohol abuse (not my decision but DS was next of kin and the Ex's sister was involved- we let him go) and when our 90-year old Dad was in LTC for 18 months after a stroke and started failing. The nursing home offered to send him to the hospital for tests and my sister asked, "Why?" He died a week or so later.

You also need to find someone you trust to tell you honestly if you're losing your ability to handle money. Dad was scammed out of $7,000 by someone pretending to be a granddaughter who'd been arrested. He really felt bad about that. I think my brother the accountant monitored his finances after that. Plenty of slimeballs prey on the elderly. Some get themselves named guardians by the court and then bleed them dry.

At some point I think we/I/DH would need to turn over financial management to a trustee or guardian.  That's a part of why I wish to declare a secondary guardian at this point so the placement will be ours and not the court's

[nidena]

I didn't read every comment in full but I have a little book on my desk that is all my passwords for every website that which requires a password...be it Chewy or MyPay or my many banks or my many, many gmail accounts which is additionally useful because my Chrome has many other passwords saved.

I prepaid for my cremation two years ago.  The company has been around for decades and, with no decrease in people dying, I don't see them going out of business any time soon.

[TheOtherMe]

I think the will that I set up covers those things.  If the legal documents do what the attorney told me they do, my wishes should be followed.  The living will is in more detail than I have had before and I have left even more written instructions to my niece.  We have also talked in depth about my desires at the end of my life.

When Covid was really bad, I called and told her I did not want to be intubated.  She asked me some questions about my reasons and then said she would follow my wishes.

[Deleted]

Jul 14, 2022 18:19:51 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

My Dad started with his investment guy instead of an attorney or a trust dept and made a giant time wasting event because he did not clearly state his intentions.  He then found out that his plan was very unfair to two of his children who refused to participate.

Not applicable to the OP but I've gone through the process of setting up a trust twice (first attorney retired and it needed updating after DH died).  The attorneys who have been there/done that ask good questions and sometimes tell interesting stories (names removed, of course).   The first one told me about a DH who left the house to his daughter if he predeceased his wife.  Attorney questioned the DW as to how she felt about this.  No problems- "my daughter is my best friend".  Husband died first and daughter immediately told Mom to vacate the house.    He asked a loot of careful questions because the trust was in my name and if I predeceased DH a couple of my brothers would be trustees (DH didn't want the job). Did they get along with DH? Would they make sure he had enough to live decently?  Yes and yes, but I was glad he asked.

[dannylion]

My trust was set up by an estate planning practice that does only estate planning, trusts, wills, medical directives, etc.  They are specialists in all areas of estate planning (including guardianships) and were very helpful with all the decisions that had to be made to prepare the documents to ensure the outcome I wanted.  If you can find a similar type of practice, they will guide you through making the decisions.  The attorney who did my trust asked questions I never would have thought to ask.  They are also my medical emergency contact since I don't have any family.  

I would recommend finding a comprehensive estate practice with a long history and good reputation that you feel comfortable with and tell them the outcome you want to achieve.  They should be able to ask the right questions and provide suitable suggestions to help you set up your trust the way you want it to be.  

[Deleted]

Jul 15, 2022 9:00:54 GMT -5 dannylion said:

My trust was set up by an estate planning practice that does only estate planning, trusts, wills, medical directives, etc.  They are specialists in all areas of estate planning (including guardianships) and were very helpful with all the decisions that had to be made to prepare the documents to ensure the outcome I wanted.  If you can find a similar type of practice, they will guide you through making the decisions.  The attorney who did my trust asked questions I never would have thought to ask.  They are also my medical emergency contact since I don't have any family.  

I would recommend finding a comprehensive estate practice with a long history and good reputation that you feel comfortable with and tell them the outcome you want to achieve.  They should be able to ask the right questions and provide suitable suggestions to help you set up your trust the way you want it to be.  

Yes, we are using an estate planning specialist.  We were very impressed with her presentation and she comes with recommendations from folks we respect.  As much as I plan to utilize her expertise, I also value the real life knowledge of everyone here.