Grieving and Social Media

[tractor]

This is more of a self-pity rant than anything else...

My father-in-law died on Friday, he was a good man who always remained calm despite raising six girls and one boy. He was a farmer, mechanic, and grandfather to over 30 grandkids. He was one of a kind. We "lost" him two years ago to dementia, but he always remained kind and was happy to meet new friends every day...

Here's my complaint, I mentioned his passing in a post on FB, just so my wife and my friends would know, and could provide her comfort. My mother-in-law "liked" my post, and by doing so made all her friends aware of his passing. I was then asked to take it down (which I did). Apparently my MIL now doesn't want anyone to know he's dead, in fact she's hoping that no one finds out because she doesn't want to talk to her extended family. I feel slighted because I want my friends to know..but I understand it's not about me. She's in denial, and grief can make people do strange things. Before social media there was the obits in the newspaper, now even those are rare. I can't pretend he's not dead...he was too great of a man to have his life swept under the rug.

[ners]

tractor I am sorry for your loss and your MIL's different behavior. 

[NancysSummerSip]

Jul 4, 2022 14:05:00 GMT -5 tractor said:

This is more of a self-pity rant than anything else...

My father-in-law died on Friday, he was a good man who always remained calm despite raising six girls and one boy. He was a farmer, mechanic, and grandfather to over 30 grandkids. He was one of a kind. We "lost" him two years ago to dementia, but he always remained kind and was happy to meet new friends every day...

Here's my complaint, I mentioned his passing in a post on FB, just so my wife and my friends would know, and could provide her comfort. My mother-in-law "liked" my post, and by doing so made all her friends aware of his passing. I was then asked to take it down (which I did). Apparently my MIL now doesn't want anyone to know he's dead, in fact she's hoping that no one finds out because she doesn't want to talk to her extended family. I feel slighted because I want my friends to know..but I understand it's not about me. She's in denial, and grief can make people do strange things. Before social media there was the obits in the newspaper, now even those are rare. I can't pretend he's not dead...he was too great of a man to have his life swept under the rug.

I am sorry for your loss.

But the post was already up. Sooner or later, her extended family will find out, if they haven't already. I think it is cruel not to let family know. Your MIL has the right not to communicate with the family, but denial of knowledge is another story. She can ignore them, but not his passing and what it means to people. She can use the block feature on FB, her phone and her email.

He was your family, too. I get that grief makes people do strange things, but there is a line. I would go back to her in a few days and broach the subject of re-posting the obituary in a respectful way. I would encourage her to get counseling, too. She has to live with this loss, once she is past the worst of the immediate grieving and denial stage. She may never get over it, but she can begin to live her life around and with it.

[Sharon]

When my Dad passed Mom didn't want us to post it on social media.  She wanted to call people and tell them and didn't want them to find out via FB.  We respected that although I would have liked to use social media to let my friends know.  After the obituary came out she didn't mind as much if we posted something.

[Artemis Windsong]

My sympathy to you and your family, tractor.

If there is a grief group available to you and your family, try to attend.  Grief is nothing to ignore and push down.

Your MIL might be trying to cut off any condolence conversations that will come up at the most inopportune times.  And a lot of low lifes pounce on recent widows. 

A friend had been married to a farmer who passed.  She was flabbergasted at how many people approached her about selling their farm land around the funeral time and after.

[Tennesseer]

Tractor - my condolences to your family.

There is in Facebook a way to post something on your page but limit who can view it. I believe you can find it in the drop down on the upper right corner of your post.

Right now, I am on my cell phone so I cannot verify/double check my info to you. But there is a way to whom can see your post. And you would not want your post 'shareable'.

ETA: tractor -it's the Edit Privacy function and can be found in the drop down located on the upper right hand corner on anything you post on your Facebook page.

[TheOtherMe]

We called family and some other people before posting each of my parent's deaths on FB.  

I have found out about the deaths of far too many family members on FB and I don't like the way it feels.  

That is the reason we called and then posted once the obituaries were public.

I'm sorry for your loss.  No, she will never "get over it".  One learns to live with it but not get over it.

[happyhoix]

Very sorry for your family’s loss.

Grief can make people do unusual things. Maybe wait a couple weeks and see if it’s ok to post on SM then? Maybe she just wants to make some calls to a few friends and family members first?

[toomuchreality]

tractor
Condolences to you and those touched by this loss. There's never a good time, for bad shit to happen. But it is unfortunate, to be sure. Loss is hard.

When my older brother died (in my apt), my younger brother IMMEDIATELY posted about it on FB. It had literally only been about an hour, since his death. I was pretty much the only family member my older brother had been in contact with, for years.

Because I knew nothing about his friends, or associates, I was nervous for his death to be made public, so quickly and I asked my younger brother to remove his post, until I'd had time to sort a few things out. He removed the post, sent me a nasty message and removed/blocked me from his friends list. All without speaking to me about what was going on, or anything. Wow.

Message, or privately post to those you would like to know. Give your MIL a few days. Her head must be swimming right now.
I know mine was.

Hugs ♡

[ners]

When my brother in law passed away suddenly in April, my sister asked me if she should notify my one brother.  I said wait until the morning.  (I know my brother and especially is wife go to bed early and it was already passed 10:00 PM).  A little while later I texted her and said maybe she should call him, so he did not find out on social media.  Sister called my brother early the next morning and told him before he found out on social media.  (My sister-in-law thanked me for telling my sister to wait until the morning). His death did get out on social media before my sister had a chance to contact everyone she wanted.

[zibazinski]

I’m sorry for your loss

[laterbloomer]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. 💔

One of the things I like about FB is it's usefulness in letting extended friends and family know about significant events. And conversely letting me stay informed. It doesn't replace phone calls for those I'm closest to, it let's those that wouldn't get a call know.

You can do your FB settings so that only your friends can see your posts, not friends of friends. You can even block your MIL from seeing that particular post.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

That is annoying, tractor. I'm sorry. 

[Artemis Windsong]

We have a family page to post events only for the family.

[daisylu]

You can change your settings to allow who sees what.

I can see both sides.

You wanted to honor an amazing man who had been part of your life for a long time. 

She does not want to have to deal with some people at this time.

There is no right or wrong here, but I would defer to the widow's wishes. 


My mom's family has some shady, untrustworthy, greedy ass people in it. I know that I will have to be the bad guy to protect my parents' when the time comes. 


So sorry for your loss.