narcissists

[Deleted]

I know the title "narcissist" might be overused, but I find this article very interesting:

www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/20-signs-youre-a-narcissist-and-dont-know-it/ss-AASloMu?ocid=mailsignout&li=BBnb7Kz#image=1

My family definitely has narcissistic tendencies. They are: 1) unable to recognize other's feelings, 2) mean to others and don't care, and 3) they think everyone else is stupid. Having immediate family with these specific traits makes me very depressed. I do avoid them but it is still depressing when your family doesn't care how they make you feel.

How can you relate to this article? Do you have any of the traits or does anyone close to you have any of the traits?

[Bonny]

I think most of us have some of these traits. I know I talk a lot but I'm also a good listener. It all depends on the situation.

My MIL checks all the boxes. You all have read about it plenty here.

DH has some, my immediate family has some of the traits too.

Thankfully I have good friends and associates who are kind and thoughtful vs manipulative.

ETA: One observation I'll make at my age is that if the parents are manipulative narcissists it's hard for the kids to not think everyone is that way.

[happyhoix]

Yes my mom was a narcissist, and she raised her youngest child to also be a narcissist, so I’m very familiar with the type.

One thing that always fascinated me was how terribly thin skinned narcissists are, and yet how nasty they can be towards others, and apparently clueless that they might have said something that might have hurt someone else’s feelings. It’s literally like they are the only people who have feelings that matter.

Unfortunately narcissists rarely recognize they are narcissists, so there’s not much chance they can change. Once, when I was trying to explain to my mom (when I was an adult) that her constant habit of out lining all the ways that her older children were failures caused us to have very little self esteem. She was surprised and said that she was only trying to point out our flaws so that we would be able to fix them, and she certainly hoped that if she ever had any flaws someone would point them out to her so she could fix them. I was shocked- what kind of person thinks they have no flaws at all? Narcissists.

By the way - her problem with one of my sisters was that she was painfully shy, and she constantly reminded her of this flaw, and included a monologue about how she was destined to remain a lonely spinster her whole life if she didn’t learn how to be outgoing and perky. DS did ultimately become more outgoing, once she put 1000 miles between her and our mom. 😊

[giramomma]

While not a narcissist, my mom likely has borderline personality disorder, co-morbid with clinical depression. She's also a raging codependent. So just a different type of a cluster B personality disorder.

My mom knows something is not right. Which is progress. She's never admitted that before in the first 40+ years of my life. But, she's in her late 70s and isn't going to seek real medical treatment. So. Moving on is about the only thing anyone can do.

I'm sort of "lucky" that I had my great reckoning with my mom in my early 30s.  I do find mom's choices sad. But, they are her choices. I posted in the what are you doing thread that I don't take it personally. It's how she treats everyone.

That said, I did have learned behavior that I needed to unlearn, and replace with better behaviors.  I had to do quite a bit of grieving to get to acceptance.

Family is also a lot more than who we are genetically related to.

I used to get depressed, etc over my parents. Doing things like practicing mindfulness and really being present were literally life changing. 

In my case, I took a 13 year pause from my parents. I wasn't going to participate in a dysfunctional relationship with them, and mom made it clear she was only going to participate in a relationship with me if it was dysfunctional.  When my dad died a year ago, I was pretty worried that I would have all these regrets. I was able to tell him goodbye and that I loved him. He told me he loved me. Which I always knew, even if he didn't show it..(he was so enmeshed with mom. And turned a blind eye to her abuse...not only towards me but he also let himself be abused.).

After thinking about this for a year, I wouldn't have made any different choices if I could go back in time. I have no regrets. The whole situation is sad.  But it was what it needed to be. I had to be a parent and protect my kids. I had to put my emotional health first. If I wanted to stay married, I had to become emotionally healthy myself.. I'd like to think Dad understood. He did have the choice to leave. I don't know why he didn't. I suspect that it was some of the traits I have from him: loyalty almost to a fault, a sense of responsibility of what one is "supposed" to do. I also suspect part of it was his deep-seeded beliefs in gender norms, and the fact that judges were not friendly to fathers in the 70s and early 80s in cases of divorce.

[NoNamePerson]

According to the list I guess I qualify as a half assed narcissist. Can’t figure out where the half comes from. Never knew my father and only lived with my mother for two years so can’t really say it’s a learned condition. Guess it could be genetic?