Reining in the label whore

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Don't have any kids.....don't have a horse in this race, but would like to know what others think of this.

I got another call from my sister this morning (you guys hear only a small fraction of the calls I receive from her) about her 3 label whore daughters.  My sister fed the monster a little, but her ex is currently the Plan B if mom doesn't cough up.....and mom can't afford to feed the monster any more, so dad's providing the banquet.  

Requests for birthday and Christmas gifts are largely expensive, name brand items.  In the past, my sister's feeding of the monster was usually to hit ebay and other sellers and trying to score whatever the requested gift was at a discount.  She really didn't care if it was a fake, as long as it had the proper logo.  This was kind of a game for her, and she did fairly well at it.  It appears that the girls have gotten out of control.  My niece's birthday list included a 100% linen duvet cover, sheet set and a pair of Ray Bans.  A quick tally has these items coming in at around $600, so not going to happen.  

Now here's the thing.  I DO understand the label envy thing as I did some of this in my younger years too.  The difference was that it was on my dime, not my parent's.  I never would have considered asking them for something so expensive.  Now, when I can afford to buy whatever I want to buy, I simply cannot rationalize buying it.  Strange how that works.  Meantime, in the closet I have a Burberry raincoat and a pair of Ferragamo pumps (neither of which I can fit into now).  I have a batch of Coach and DB purses - most of which I bought on sale for less than $100.  But sometime between the purchase of the raincoat and today, purchases became more about how well something was made, whether it fit me well and how much I liked it rather than the label.  I never buy VS anymore, as the quality now sucks - but I pay 3x what I paid at VS for underwear at Duluth, because it's better made, more comfortable and because I can (I still try to find it on sale, but that doesn't happen a lot).  

So how do you shut down the label whore?  My suggestion to my sister is to provide them a set amount of money for a birthday gift and be done with it.  If they want to put in more money to get their label du jour, then it's on their dime.  I guess that's what she's going to do with the daughter that wants the linen bed set and Ray Bans.  

[busymom]

I agree with your idea.  It's not your job to keep them in the "style they've become accustomed to".  I'd either send cash or a gift card, in the dollar amount of MY choice.  If they don't like it, well too bad.


If they get REALLY greedy as they get older, might I suggest a donation to your favorite charity, in their name?  

[swamp]

I was a bit of a lable whore as a teen and young adult. 

Mom gave me a spending limit of X and anything over that was on my dime.     I was also indulged a bit since my mom tends to be a label whore too. 

[haapai]

Eek!  How old are these daughters? 

[Deleted]

Aren't these girls all out of high school now?  I would tell them to get a job!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If I don't own it my kids sure as heck aren't getting X brand.  Gwen hears that  A LOT.

I do a set amount of money.  I tell her roughly what I am planning on spending.  Here is what you think you want costs.  If you're okay with that quite possibly being the only gift you get from me this year for your bday/Christmas I will do it.  If you're not you might want to rethink your plan.

I indulge her some, I am not a label whore myself but I remember what it was like to be the odd kid out in school.  I NEVER got anything name brand and it sucked, especially in middle school.  Girls used to carry around the bags from certain stores as purses.   At 13 I wanted to shop at VS so bad just for the bag and fit in just a little.   Now I know I could have just asked for an empty bag. 

I don't do that with Gwen.   I am trying to avoid turning her into a label whore but if I can afford it and I like the brand I'll buy it for her.  I also show her how to research brands and look for sales/deals so you aren't paying out the nose for stuff.

[billisonboard]

lol. I thought the topic was that there should be an effort made to cut down on calling women whores.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Daughters are 19-25, 2/3 have jobs and the one daughter that wants the linen bed set and Ray Bans has a job.  She's in her last year of college.  One is living with her BF (and actually, he seems to be reining in that niece some) and the other is still at home.  She lost her job at the daycare center due to COVID and is still collecting UI (which I'm guessing is soon to run out).  

[NastyWoman]

The rule with my kids was they could ask for anything they wanted, they would just not necessarily get what they asked for.

So for many years DS2asked for a red porsche for Xmas. It was a family joke until the year he actually got one from me: it was a red porsche, previous year, mini Hallmark ornament. Now it is his favorite ornament. The yellow lamborgini the year after only appeared once on his wish list  

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 20, 2020 14:31:48 GMT -5 busymom said:

I agree with your idea.  It's not your job to keep them in the "style they've become accustomed to".  I'd either send cash or a gift card, in the dollar amount of MY choice.  If they don't like it, well too bad.


If they get REALLY greedy as they get older, might I suggest a donation to your favorite charity, in their name?  

LOL!  I stopped sending birthday and Christmas gifts about 5 years ago.  

[mollyanna58]

Aug 20, 2020 14:44:46 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

lol. I thought the topic was that there should be an effort made to cut down on calling women whores.

Me, too.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 20, 2020 14:49:13 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Daughters are 19-25, 2/3 have jobs and the one daughter that wants the linen bed set and Ray Bans has a job.  She's in her last year of college.  One is living with her BF (and actually, he seems to be reining in that niece some) and the other is still at home.  She lost her job at the daycare center due to COVID and is still collecting UI (which I'm guessing is soon to run out).  

In that case I would be telling her if her butt wants Ray Bans then save her pennies.   They are both plenty old enough that if they want those kind of expensive items they can save for it themselves.

 Gwen is 10 and wanted a Poopsie Unicorn (it shits slime) for $50.  I told her no way in heck was I spending $50 on something like that but if she could get the money together herself I'd make the purchase.  She did work for my dad and saved her bday money.  She now is the proud owner of a slime shitting unicorn.  So if a 10 year old can save up her money for a brand name toy she wants bad enough girls the ages of 19-25 certainly can.

Especially since it sounds like from previous posts your sister is not in a position to be buying them these things.  She's got more important money matters to worry about.

[bean29]

My DD is a label whore for Purses and glasses, but as far as clothing goes, she likes to order clothing from really cheap Chinese retailers.  If it dosn't work, she figures she is out the money, but her track record is pretty good.  

DD's cousins and friends are more jealous of the car she drives than the clothing she wears.  Her car is just a Subaru Legacy, but it is a 2017 and it should be paid off once she is done with school.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 20, 2020 14:51:36 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

The rule with my kids was they could ask for anything they wanted, they would just not necessarily get what they asked for.

So for many years DS2asked for a red porsche for Xmas. It was a family joke until the year he actually got one from me: it was a red porsche, previous year, mini Hallmark ornament. Now it is his favorite ornament. The yellow lamborgini the year after only appeared once on his wish list  

The problem is that if mom does not supply it, daddy will.  He is big into trying to buy the kids so they'll interact with dad's new squeeze.  It really hasn't worked so far though, and the kids are playing this for all it's worth.

I'm not impressed with this.

[Happy prose]

When my daughter was younger, and I was still providing for her, if she asked for something that I thought was outrageous (not gifts), I would offer to split the cost with her. 100% of the time, she decided she didn't want it. 

[bean29]

Aug 20, 2020 14:51:58 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Aug 20, 2020 14:44:46 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

lol. I thought the topic was that there should be an effort made to cut down on calling women whores.

Me, too.

That is what I thought, I had a really hard time figuring out the subject we were discussing at first.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 20, 2020 14:54:27 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Aug 20, 2020 14:51:58 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Me, too.

That is what I thought, I had a really hard time figuring out the subject we were discussing at first.

I'm pretty surprised that no one here has dealt or heard with the term label whore.  

FWIW, the worst label whore I know is my best friend's husband.  He puts my nieces to shame, so it's really not restricted to one gender.

[Cheesy FL-Vol]

I don't understand the need for name brand stuff. For clothes I buy for comfort. Eventually clothes wear out and you have to buy more, why spend a fortune on them? I will fork out for 3 things for comfort; undergarments, jeans, and shoes. That said, I work from home and have no one to impress. Even if I did work at an office, I still would only be buying for comfort not what the latest thing is.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 20, 2020 14:54:10 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 20, 2020 14:51:36 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

The rule with my kids was they could ask for anything they wanted, they would just not necessarily get what they asked for.

So for many years DS2asked for a red porsche for Xmas. It was a family joke until the year he actually got one from me: it was a red porsche, previous year, mini Hallmark ornament. Now it is his favorite ornament. The yellow lamborgini the year after only appeared once on his wish list  

The problem is that if mom does not supply it, daddy will.  He is big into trying to buy the kids so they'll interact with dad's new squeeze.  It really hasn't worked so far though, and the kids are playing this for all it's worth.

I'm not impressed with this.

Then that would be dad's problem, IMO.   Your sister really can't afford to be playing the label game.   They should look at it as if mom buys us all this name brand stuff we'll eventually have to get rid of it so mom can move in because she has no retirement savings.

Which I am sure they don't and never will, but your sister should.  She needs to look out for herself financially and not keep trying to buy their love.

[haapai]

Aug 20, 2020 14:49:13 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Daughters are 19-25, 2/3 have jobs and the one daughter that wants the linen bed set and Ray Bans has a job.  She's in her last year of college.  One is living with her BF (and actually, he seems to be reining in that niece some) and the other is still at home.  She lost her job at the daycare center due to COVID and is still collecting UI (which I'm guessing is soon to run out).  

When I read this post, I instantly assume that your sister is not married and that they may not be seriously asking their mom for these things.  They are just planning on using mom's refusal to buy these things as leverage. 

And the ages of the children also get me assuming things.  I've seen a lot of women who once could afford to buy stuff like this, not be able to do so once the kids became legal adults. 

ETA:  I type slowly. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 20, 2020 14:58:50 GMT -5 Cheesy FL-Vol said:

I don't understand the need for name brand stuff. For clothes I buy for comfort. Eventually clothes wear out and you have to buy more, why spend a fortune on them? I will fork out for 3 things for comfort; undergarments, jeans, and shoes. That said, I work from home and have no one to impress. Even if I did work at an office, I still would only be buying for comfort not what the latest thing is.

Sometimes name brand is better.  Gwen wanted Vans sneakers for her birthday last year.   Compared to her other shoes you'd never guess these were a year old.   I swear they are indestructible.  Pricier than I would normally spend on a kid shoe but it probably in the long run is cheaper than buying multiple inexpensive pairs as she wears them out.

[NastyWoman]

Aug 20, 2020 14:54:10 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 20, 2020 14:51:36 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

The rule with my kids was they could ask for anything they wanted, they would just not necessarily get what they asked for.

So for many years DS2asked for a red porsche for Xmas. It was a family joke until the year he actually got one from me: it was a red porsche, previous year, mini Hallmark ornament. Now it is his favorite ornament. The yellow lamborgini the year after only appeared once on his wish list  

The problem is that if mom does not supply it, daddy will.  He is big into trying to buy the kids so they'll interact with dad's new squeeze.  It really hasn't worked so far though, and the kids are playing this for all it's worth.

I'm not impressed with this.

That really is a problem. My kids did not get a lot of things they wanted, though we did occasionally splurge, from when they were quite young. My opinion, as my Ex's has always been that dreaming is fine. Just know that reality is not the same as dreaming.

I am really proud of the adults they turned into and while a lot of it is their personality I do believe (hope) that I had a part in making them who they are.

[Deleted]

You shut it down by not buying it. Reading the OP, I thought maybe these were minor children. I definitely wouldn’t be buying those kinds of gifts for young adult children unless I was wealthy. And I don’t get the impression that your sister is wealthy.

If they really want expensive things, they’d figure out how to get them without digging into Mom’s pocket. I wouldn’t care if Dad bought it, that’s him and his money. Just don’t expect ME to do it.  

My Mom kept me well dressed when I was growing up and I was a bit spoiled. Things changed drastically when I turned 18, and I never thought twice about it, definitely didn’t get upset about it.

[justme]

My parents just give me cash except for small items. Not cuz I'm a label whore, but I don't have the same taste as my mom so she's over buying me stuff I'm meh on and she's decided to be lazy and just tells me to buy it myself rather than her deal with it lol.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 20, 2020 15:04:20 GMT -5 haapai said:

Aug 20, 2020 14:49:13 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Daughters are 19-25, 2/3 have jobs and the one daughter that wants the linen bed set and Ray Bans has a job.  She's in her last year of college.  One is living with her BF (and actually, he seems to be reining in that niece some) and the other is still at home.  She lost her job at the daycare center due to COVID and is still collecting UI (which I'm guessing is soon to run out).  

When I read this post, I instantly assume that your sister is not married and that they may not be seriously asking their mom for these things.  They are just planning on using mom's refusal to buy these things as leverage. 

And the ages of the children also get me assuming things.  I've seen a lot of women who once could afford to buy stuff like this, not be able to do so once the kids became legal adults. 

ETA:  I type slowly. 

Recently divorced.  Yes, the kids are dead serious about asking for these things.  They've asked for them all their lives.  For some, my sister has found the items on their list.  Even when she was married, she and her ex could not afford these items.  As a result, when the family home was sold they owed more on the house than when they bought it 24 years ago (luckily, it was less than it was worth).  Her ex's retirement is squat because he uses it as a piggy bank.  The only reason why my sister has got any sort of retirement is a rolliver IRA from before they were married, and she put the stop to her ex raiding it.  Even so, she lost about $10K from it over the years.  

[Deleted]

I would just ignore it. If their Dad wants to buy them all that stuff then let him.

[nikiz628]

I say Mom just hands over cash in the amount she can afford/wants to give and call it a day. Then they can use it how they wish. Once I was out of high school and out of the house, my parents both went to cash gifts only for birthdays. 

[billisonboard]

Aug 20, 2020 14:58:50 GMT -5 Cheesy FL-Vol said:

I don't understand the need for name brand stuff. For clothes I buy for comfort. Eventually clothes wear out and you have to buy more, why spend a fortune on them? I will fork out for 3 things for comfort; undergarments, jeans, and shoes. That said, I work from home and have no one to impress. Even if I did work at an office, I still would only be buying for comfort not what the latest thing is.

Years ago when I got a job running a Ropes/Challenge Course, my girlfriend bought me a Patagonia jacket. She told me that if some guy was suggesting to her that she should climb up a tree, walk on cables to a platform, and ride a zip line back to the ground she would want them to look professional. A name brand jacket said that to her.

[buystoys]

I'm in the camp of giving them a set amount and letting them figure out the financing for what they want. 

I didn't buy the Guess jeans or other major labels, but I did have Candie's shoes back in the late 70's early 80's.  I paid for them with my own money, though.  My folks didn't buy any of my clothing or hygiene items once I turned 15 and had a part time job out of the house.

[alabamagal]

If they are not your kids probably not a lot you can do to influence them. If you buy non brand name, they will probably just throw it away.

I am not label whore and none of my kids are either. They all kept their college $5k cars well into their first jobs. With good jobs and inexpensive tastes ODS bought a nice house at 27 and YDS will buy one in Jan at age 27.