Money Manners

[laterbloomer]

So I came across this article and mostly I agree with it. Except for 

Having a cash bar

Weddings are ridiculously expensive, for both attendees and the happy couple. While planning the big day, Emilie Dulles, who has more than 29 years of experience in traditional etiquette, recommends budgeting for a few liquor and wine choices. "If a couple is working with a limited set of resources, it is better to go mid-range on limited liquor choices and wine offerings than to force your guests to fork over cash to cover their libations," Dulles says. It’s especially rude to offer a cash bar when it’s obvious that other areas of the wedding, such as the bridal gown, venue, or extensive florals, are visibly pricy.

To me a cash bar makes perfect sense and if you can't afford it just don't drink. Every wedding I have been to covers all non alcohol beverages so it's not like you will get dehydrated.

[cktc]

Aug 14, 2019 14:17:48 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

So I came across this article and mostly I agree with it. Except for 

Having a cash bar

Weddings are ridiculously expensive, for both attendees and the happy couple. While planning the big day, Emilie Dulles, who has more than 29 years of experience in traditional etiquette, recommends budgeting for a few liquor and wine choices. "If a couple is working with a limited set of resources, it is better to go mid-range on limited liquor choices and wine offerings than to force your guests to fork over cash to cover their libations," Dulles says. It’s especially rude to offer a cash bar when it’s obvious that other areas of the wedding, such as the bridal gown, venue, or extensive florals, are visibly pricy.

To me a cash bar makes perfect sense and if you can't afford it just don't drink. Every wedding I have been to covers all non alcohol beverages so it's not like you will get dehydrated.

Funny you should say that. We had a brunch wedding. When we met with the hotel's wedding planner and went over the menu and alcohol we said we wanted to pay for mimosas and bloody marys. At the reception, that is ALL the servers offered our guests, not juice, coffee, tea or soda that was supposed to be included with the menu we selected. We did get it corrected, but not until after we made our rounds and discovered that our teetotaler guests were left completely dry. Honestly I'm still baffled by it. Like, why on earth would anyone think that was what we wanted?

I agree with you though that it's not a big deal to have to pay for your own drinks, especially if the couple themselves don't drink. I never go to a wedding expecting to get sloshed on the cheap.

[Deleted]

Cash wedding bars for me mean BYOL to supplement a couple cash beers.

If you have never noticed it before at weddings you've been to watch closer, you will see it and be amazed at how many do it.

[wvugurl26]

I would be annoyed if I didn't know ahead of time. I rarely carry cash. And certainly not enough to cover a few drinks for my husband and myself.

We went to a beer and wine only bar for New Year's one year. A friend's band was playing which is the only reason we went. I had a bottle of Knob Creek in my purse.

[laterbloomer]

Aug 14, 2019 16:52:12 GMT -5 @aj said:

Cash wedding bars for me mean BYOL to supplement a couple cash beers.

If you have never noticed it before at weddings you've been to watch closer, you will see it and be amazed at how many do it.

Really? I have never noticed that. I will have to keep an eye out.

[TheOtherMe]

Cash bars at weddings are the norm in my extended family and that includes the weddings of children of cousins.  

BIL is a recovering alcoholic and does not pay for alcohol.  Niece got married 20 years ago and he did not contribute towards the alcohol.  There was alcohol at the wedding so groom's family must have paid for it.  Cash bar.

Most of my family is not affluent enough to have outrageous weddings with 15 bridesmaids.  

Many get married at a small ceremony with immediate family and then have a reception.

[Deleted]

Aug 14, 2019 21:17:43 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

I would be annoyed if I didn't know ahead of time. I rarely carry cash. And certainly not enough to cover a few drinks for my husband and myself.

We went to a beer and wine only bar for New Year's one year. A friend's band was playing which is the only reason we went. I had a bottle of Knob Creek in my purse.

Love Knob Creek, we used to call it “walk into walls whiskey” in college. I remember they used to put “aged x years” on the bottles and it got so popular they couldn’t do that anymore.

[bean29]

around here a "Cash Bar" usually means tap beer and soda are free, and anything else you have to pay for.  I have been to many weddings where the drinks were free between the ceremony and dinner and after that you paid "cash".  Our family is rife with alcoholics.  No one seems to expect free drinks all evening. The attitude seems to be if you want to get drunk, you do it on your own dime.

[chiver78]

yep, it's fairly common around here to have open bar (with or without limits) for the cocktail hour that is generally when the bridal party/family are having formal pictures taken. then once the reception gets going after the bridal party arrives, you're on your own. 

[tcu2003]

Cash bars annoy me, especially when I don’t know ahead of time. I don’t care if the bar is limited, or even no alcohol, but like wvu, I rarely carry cash and will be annoyed if I find out I need to pay for my drinks.

Most weddings I’ve attended as an adult have an open bar if there is alcohol served. We’ve attended a few no alcohol weddings, and a couple of cash bars.

[swamp]

Cash bars are standard around here.     When I go to a wedding, I just assume I am going to pay for alcohol. 

[TheOtherMe]

It may depend on the reception venue, but with DN1 got married, they had a $ amount that was covered.  Once the alcohol went past that, it was cash bar.  The best man opened a tab for a certain amount for the wedding party.  

[Chocolate Lover]

Most of the weddings I've been to (which were family since none of my friends got married nearby and/or invited me) were alcohol free events. Blame the location (deep South) or the cheap/broke-ness of the family.     

[wvugurl26]

At the most recent wedding I attended, the groom's parents covered $5k and after that it would have been a cash bar. The people who were likely to drink knew in advance. I figured that would cover it since most of the bride's family does not drink. We didn't go over.

In my circles, a cash bar is not common. If you don't want to pay for alcohol that's fine but make it known there will be a cash bar.

[laterbloomer]

Aug 15, 2019 12:03:22 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

At the most recent wedding I attended, the groom's parents covered $5k and after that it would have been a cash bar. The people who were likely to drink knew in advance. I figured that would cover it since most of the bride's family does not drink. We didn't go over.

In my circles, a cash bar is not common. If you don't want to pay for alcohol that's fine but make it known there will be a cash bar.

It's usually included on the invitation with the Reception info.

[imawino]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I think a cash bar is extremely tacky. I feel like any event that involves words like host and guests implies that the guests should not be paying for any part of the event.   Except of course, the gifts.  If I'm going to pay cash for drinks at a bar, I think I should get to pick the bar at which I'm paying for them. 

[WholeLottaNothin]

My extended family has a lot of "drinkers" in it, so we did the cocktail hour covered, after that cash bar thing. We wanted to discourage drunkenness, but did not succeed as much as I'd hoped. They stocked up on drinks during the free-to-them hour.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My niece got married in April and tap beer (and soda) was free.  Cocktails and wine wasn't.  I was expecting free wine.  Apparently my niece went toe to toe with someone about NOT having wine at her wedding and won.  I drank the beer.  I wasn't the only one expecting free wine but we all survived.  It was a great party/reception. 

[Deleted]

Aug 15, 2019 13:23:47 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

My extended family has a lot of "drinkers" in it, so we did the cocktail hour covered, after that cash bar thing. We wanted to discourage drunkenness, but did not succeed as much as I'd hoped. They stocked up on drinks during the free-to-them hour.

In my experience the drinkers are usually fine in an all you can scenario, it is the special occasion folks you have to worry about.... New Years, St Patties, Weddings

Always wise to decide who has the "bouncer" and "taxi" duties at a wedding prior to opening pitch.

[TheOtherMe]

I don't drink and no longer remember what my friends did when they got married (because it wasn't important to me)

I honestly don't think most of my family could have a reception with a fully paid for bar because of all the booze that would be drank.  Enough gets drank with a cash bar.

I'm from a family of big drinkers.  Yes, imo they drink to excess.  I'm guessing if I was around some of them more often I'd consider them alcoholics.

[Tiny]

Aug 15, 2019 8:28:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

around here a "Cash Bar" usually means tap beer and soda are free, and anything else you have to pay for.  I have been to many weddings where the drinks were free between the ceremony and dinner and after that you paid "cash".  Our family is rife with alcoholics.  No one seems to expect free drinks all evening. The attitude seems to be if you want to get drunk, you do it on your own dime.

      I come from a family of hard drinkers.  So, weddings seem to always be free drinks until everyone sits down to dinner.  After dinner usually non-alcoholic drinks are free (I've never had to pay for a soda or water with a twist - I did put a buck in the tip jar though.   )   and everything else you have to pay for.   Sometimes the "house beer" and "house wine" are still free after dinner but not always. 

After dinner is also when some of the guests pull out their 'special' adult beverages and sometimes share.   This is when you might be invited to have a shot of  Malort or Slivovitz (slivo?) or some bottle of something from a local distillery or perhaps some homemade rotgut (ok, some is better than others)  that a guest has brought.  An occasional growler of beer might appear as well. 

I had my first taste of aquavit  and a weird lavender vodka  at a wedding.  I have seen guests sharing growlers of beer.  I do not drink beer (it's icky).   I suspect this is the fall out from the trendiness of going around to the local distilleries and trying flights of whisky, gin, vodka, aquavit, absinthe and what not.  You wind up buying a bottle of something and then can't drink it all before the next time you are out at a distillery doing tastes and buying more bottles of alcohol.      

(oddly enough, I came home the other night and the Gin Fairy dropped off a bottle of my favorite local distillery made gin).  Too many people have keys to my house.   ) 

[Anne_in_VA]

Most weddings I’ve been to were open bar during the cocktail hour and free wine for the toast.  After that it was a cash bar.  DH and I got married at city hall (3rd marriage for both of us) and didn’t have a reception, but went to dinner with a few friends.  They paid for our dinners and drinks though.

[vetswife]

Many long years ago when DH and I were married, we had a simple small wedding but lots of guests, so had a reception with wedding cake, home made groom's cake, punch, mints and nuts.  Both families were non-drinkers so that helped.

[alabamagal]

Aug 17, 2019 10:58:08 GMT -5 vetswife said:

Many long years ago when DH and I were married, we had a simple small wedding but lots of guests, so had a reception with wedding cake, home made groom's cake, punch, mints and nuts.  Both families were non-drinkers so that helped.

I remember going to nieces wedding. It was at Baptist church no alcohol allowed 😉. Cake and punch reception in the church hall. I was annoyed that the only beverage served was punch. We had to leave early and stop at the store so I could get a Diet Coke!

[haapai]

I usually drive myself around.  Consequently, the number of drinks that I can consume before calling a cab or crawling into the back seat to sober up enough to legally drive are zero, one, or sometimes, when there are alternative beverages and lots of time to kill, two adult beverages. 

Given how few free drinks are involved, the potential costs of calling a cab, and the humiliation factor of exhaling the booze from your own backseat, why is anyone worked up about whether the drinks are free or not? 

Give the lovebirds (and their parents) a break!  Pay for your own damn booze! 

[Deleted]

Aug 17, 2019 11:26:31 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

Aug 17, 2019 10:58:08 GMT -5 vetswife said:

Many long years ago when DH and I were married, we had a simple small wedding but lots of guests, so had a reception with wedding cake, home made groom's cake, punch, mints and nuts.  Both families were non-drinkers so that helped.

I remember going to nieces wedding. It was at Baptist church no alcohol allowed 😉. Cake and punch reception in the church hall. I was annoyed that the only beverage served was punch. We had to leave early and stop at the store so I could get a Diet Coke!

This is the kind of wedding I am used to.  I have attended a few where liquor was served, but then the church ladies position themselves in front of the champagne fountain so that they can tally how many times Brother Billy Bob and Sister Sally May imbibe.  It's not worth it.

The only cash bar I've encountered at a reception was the one at my niece's.  The bride and groom were in their 30s so they paid for their own wedding.  They paid for a keg of beer or something, but it was gone before most of us got a single drink.  I had no money with me, but the mother of the bride (my sister) bought me a bottled beer. 

[TheOtherMe]

When my sister got married, the reception was at the church.  I think there was only punch.  However, that was 44 years ago and I'd never heard of wedding venues and receptions held at different places.

My cousin's weddings were all at churches with receptions in the church basement.  No liquor at those.  

No dancing at these receptions either.  

[laterbloomer]

I have never been to a wedding reception in a church basement. I don't think I had even heard of one before this thread. It's either been reception halls, hotels, Legions or at someone's very large residence.

[TheOtherMe]

All of my cousins' weddings were in rural America.  My sister was married in the capitol city of our state, in a downtown church.

[zibazinski]

Here it’s considered tacky. If DD ever decides to get married there will be very limited alcohol due to her sperm donor, his latest floozie, and a few others being flat out alcoholics. Champagne toast then some sort of specialty drink. She says she’ll pick an alcohol she knows he’ll hate. I’d have gone with a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine for each table. She needs to keep it secret that there’s not much booze or he’ll sneak it in. I’m so sorry for her.