I don't hold it against you...

[oped]

What does this phrase mean to you? I may be reading more into it than is there... 

[oped]

To me it feels like someone is saying... you were wrong, or you were mean, or you were... something negative... but i'm going to forgive all that and not treat you like you were wrong/mean/etc.... 

For instance i think this person is saying she isn't going to hold it against me that i was honest... 

I want to tell her to go pound sand. Like its her role to exonerate me for being honest? 

[shanendoah]

I tend to find this to be passive aggressive/self-aggrandizement phrase. To me, it's the person saying they believe either something you have done, or even something you are (like having a different religion, or sexual orientation), is bad, but they are such a good person, they will be magnanimous enough to overlook it. (But secretly, they do hold it against you.)

Because if really, it is something they won't hold against you, there are other phrases to use, such as "no big deal" or "water under the bridge" or even "let bygones be bygones". There are multiple ways to say things are in the past or don't matter, etc, without claiming that you have a right to hold something against a person.


Of course, the caveat to all this is in a situation where you are talking/joking with good friends about inconsequential matters. You got generic graham crackers for s'mores instead of the Honey Maid? I won't hold it against you.

[Deleted]

Yup, it's condescending malarkey.  As if the person has some type of authority to grant dispensation for your perceived sin.  

[oped]

Oh and this is a person who is ALWAYS willing to see sin in ETCorrect... others and not themselves ... 

Why am I friends with this person? sigh. 

Anyway. I decided i'd give her more to not hold against me and honestly told her she needed to find someone else to perform the very big favor i was about to volunteer to do (until I found out she didn't hold the 'ugliness' from last time i did a favor against me...). 

Glad to know I wasn't the only one who read this that way... (outside of friends in a joking context as someone said...)

[resolution]

It depends on the context. If you are feeling weird about they way they used it, then it is probably the most negative meaning: they feel they are in a position to judge you, and they want you to know it. You should be grateful to them for their forbearance.

I agree with the caveat that a friend could just be joking around about a trivial matter or an inside joke. If you want to be charitable you can give her the benefit of the doubt and tell yourself she is trying for the inside joke in an awkward way.

Or it could be used seriously if you did do something wrong and are having a serious conversation where you are apologizing and they are accepting, but that doesn't sound like your scenario.

[Tiny]

Just as an aside... people have 'scripts' they rely on. They say stuff without really thinking them thru or tailoring them to the situation. If they said X in the past under these circumstance - it's likely they will say X again in a situation sorta like the previous one. Sometimes it's hard to determine the actual intent when someone spouts a common phrase... are they really being intentionally mean or are they just saying stuff without thinking?      I catch myself saying stuff to friends/coworkers in a tone/sharp criticism that I'd use with my family members and it doesn't go over well with friends/coworkrs.  Family just shoots the shit right back and we go on doing whatever we were doing.  (it's alittle like the Three Stooges - but instead of physical "violence" slap stick comedy - it's verbal "violence" Slap Stick comedy. )  That rarely ever plays well outside the family.   

[laterbloomer]

So what is the ugliness from last time?

[dannylion]

"I won't hold it against you" implies that the not-holder believes he or she possesses some authority or moral high ground that grants him or her the right to pass judgment or assign blame or something similar.  It also implies "I'm willing to give you another chance to try to win my approval because I want something from you."  


I think you are wise to be offering your particular not-holder the opportunity to have something else not to hold against you.  She sounds like a real pill.  

[Tennesseer]

It means 'Bless your heart' (Southern style).

[laterbloomer]

The only time I've ever heard the phrase used seriously was in a job interview setting. Along the lines of "we're looking for someone with a degree in xyz, but considering your experience we won't hold that against you". Otherwise it's always been said as a joke in my world.

[oped]

Jun 26, 2019 14:44:35 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

So what is the ugliness from last time?

I agonized over the decision but could not be convinced to just sign a homeschool evaluation indicating her child had made sufficient progress for the year... I contacted the school, paved the way for the less than ideal finding, offered to tutor for free over the summer... but apparently that was ‘ugly’ given it wasn’t just signing off...

After 2 years of basically doing nothing in cyber (not all kids fault, mom didn’t adequately prepare her) and with only one year left to get a hs diploma she wants to make up all her credits to graduate. The school suggested she should meet with the evaluator during the planning stages and I agreed to the extra work and progress checks but today when I reiterated I needed to see child before the program started that’s when she went into being originally unsure if they should even use me due to past ‘ugliness’ and my honesty which she doesn’t hold against me...

So I made it easy for her and told her that was a great idea. Get a different evaluator. Stress off of me.

I might delete details later.

[raeoflyte]

Good call!

[hoops902]

I tend to think it means similar to the OP...I think you're wrong (or in some cases, not wrong, just possessing a deficiency), but I think it's fine that you're wrong and I don't think less of you for it.  

For example:  You're a Nebraska football fan?  Well, I won't hold it against you.  

::After 2 years of basically doing nothing in cyber (not all kids fault, mom didn’t adequately prepare her) and with only one year left to get a hs diploma she wants to make up all her credits to graduate. The school suggested she should meet with the evaluator during the planning stages and I agreed to the extra work and progress checks but today when I reiterated I needed to see child before the program started that’s when she went into being originally unsure if they should even use me due to past ‘ugliness’ and my honesty which she doesn’t hold against me...::

This I can read 2 different ways.  One is the "I won't hold it against you that you're honest".  The other is "you're saying some not very nice things about my child, but I won't hold your honesty against you" (because you're being honest and I don't hold honesty against folks even though the thing you're being honest about isn't something nice).  The "ugliness" part though seems to paint it in the more negative light.  

[azucena]

Oped - given the backstory, you made the right call.  Seems she's taking the easy way out of homeschooling and shortchanging her kid.

[billisonboard]

A more literal meaning of the flip side of the phrase:

[TheOtherMe]

Many years ago, my sister refused to sign off on a home school evaluation for what became a former friend.  Three kids.  

I don't know all of the details but after that she has refused to have anything to do with homeschooling.