Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 13,794
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Apr 3, 2011 22:38:47 GMT -5
I know that some people experience real physical, anxiety, pain even?, when their space is disordered or not the way they need it to be. I feel for them... and am thankful i do not have that problem... lol... I have a friend though, we get along great, but my tendency to keep money willy nilly really causes her, with her orderly bills organized from 1s to 50s and all facing the same way, palpatations at time, ... (we won't even get in to my insistance that forks, spoons, etc. don't actually NEED their own assigned space in a drawer... lol) Oh! We're friends! I had no idea! ;D The flatware really does have to be in certain places and no, no one is allowed to touch the actual silver without permission. I have these types of OCD tendencies, but dh has his own also. We both have the same standards of cleanliness though, so that works well for us. I am OCD about the money and he could care less what I do with it as long as we can do what he wants when he wants tod. We have to compromise A LOT with money.
|
|
|
Post by bobbysgirl on Apr 4, 2011 0:14:23 GMT -5
People who clean at night are setting the stage for a smooth transition in the morning.
Although her reaction was a bit dramatic, I would ask why all of a sudden you felt you had to control an area that is out of the norm for you. To me I see you are the controlling person in the relationship. Each person in a relationship brings talent to the mix. Yours is money management.
And what is this man cave thing? Women don't have women caves. Unless you consider the kitchen her cave. Then I'd say you are in trouble.
Everyday I feel more and more fortunate that my DH was the perfect match for me. Young men have some serious "if you have it, then I want it too" attitude problems.
You changed the rules and destabilized her. Why are you surprised at her reaction?
I know I am sounding a bit harsh, but I'd hate to see you destroying your marriage because of negative thoughts. Think of what good things you receive from her.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 2, 2024 4:18:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2011 1:02:07 GMT -5
Carl, I think some form of this "domain" thing is pretty common. The last time I really lost it with DH was over some temporary rearrangement of the furniture. The misunderstanding was understandable, it was the "you're not being logical" comment that sent me over the edge. I like grouping things together to make it easier to put things away later. Your wife might think the same way. Also my DH is notorious for not labling boxes so we have no idea of where things are. I would enjoy a more orderly lifestyle like your wife except I'm too lazy... DH does have a man cave. Actually two in this house because of the way it's set up (3 1/2 floors). But if it gets too bad I reserve the right to invade his space to scoop it out!
|
|
achelois
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 9:55:44 GMT -5
Posts: 1,479
|
Post by achelois on Apr 4, 2011 8:42:38 GMT -5
It has been my experience, both personal and observing guys where I have worked, that guys who have these " man caves" do so because they like the idea of having a space that is entirely theirs to have all their stuff in and just relax in.
They can be messy and comfortable and the wives don't bug them.
Have never heard one complain they feel excluded from the rest of the house. On the contrary, they seem to feel that they can go to the cave and exclude the world.
It is a win-win situation IMHO. Mama is usually happy not to have him underfoot and the rest of the house stays clean and neat. Cuts down on nagging from mama and resentment from papa!
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,255
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2011 8:47:29 GMT -5
I am not allowed to paint, I am not allowed to buy paint and I am lucky if I get to pick the color. DH used to be a professional house painter and it drives him up a wall when someone else paints because he can see every single flaw and missed stroke.
Then he knows what paint to buy so I am not allowed to buy the paint. Then if I want to pick the color I have to listen to what effects it will have on the room, whether or not it will be easy to paint over blah blah.
I let him have at it. If he wants to spend all day painting the living room by himself that is his decision. I will admit the house looks good when he is done with it. ;D
It's getting to the painting of the house that is the nightmare.
|
|
reader79
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 30, 2010 8:48:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,053
|
Post by reader79 on Apr 4, 2011 8:51:59 GMT -5
My dad always said that we could paint our rooms whatever color we'd like, so long as it was white.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,255
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 4, 2011 8:58:12 GMT -5
I got DH to agree to color, but it was a heck of a fight getting there. I HATE an all white house, I told him it makes me feel like I am living in an institution.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 4, 2011 9:05:52 GMT -5
If I let my husband be in charge of decorating every room in the house would look like the garage... and he is colorblind so all the walls would be some crazy-ass color he calls "tan" when it's really army green and clashing with all the other colors in the room.
I'm in charge of colors, decorating, and all that crap. He doesn't really mind though, he gets to do whatever he wants with the garages and the basement. Men just don't usually care for decorating and detail that women do.
That said, I'm pretty flexible... he has this old grungy recliner he loves and I "let" him keep in the TV room even though it belongs in a landfill.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 2, 2024 4:18:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2011 9:09:28 GMT -5
We're pretty laid-back and neither has a "territory", unless you count the finances. If DH wanted to take over the investments and the bookkeeping I'd go nuts but then so would he. OTOH, we've never had a major disagreement about either. He trusts my judgement and I trust his common sense, so if he has a different idea of financial priorities, or whether a particular investment is too risky for us, I listen.
As for the house, I suppose if either of us wanted to paint a room a garish color the other might object, but it doesn't happen. We're just not that passionate about the appearance of the house as long as it's neat and comfortable.
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Apr 4, 2011 9:18:15 GMT -5
In my house I oversee the finances (with daily updates to DH) and I do the home stuff as well. After 15 years together we have a routine. DH cleans the bathrooms and does the outside work. I do the rest. He makes dinner but I clean the kitchen.
As for the interior design of the house- I have a bachelor's degree in Interior Design and DH second guesses every decision I make. And then I get a "you were right" at the end of the project.
As for the packing and things that frustrated your wife- I am the same way. I suffer from insomnia frequently and my brain takes this time to plan out step by step what I want to do. We are building a fence and I know exactly how it is supposed to go and the sequence of events. DH has learned that it's just the way it is with me. We have moved 5 times in 15 years and I have personally packed every single box, every single time. And unpacked every single box at the new place. I have a plan and if I can't follow through on it, it drives me crazy.
|
|
kindthatjingles
Familiar Member
Joined: Feb 5, 2011 19:06:06 GMT -5
Posts: 622
|
Post by kindthatjingles on Apr 4, 2011 9:29:27 GMT -5
Your post made me laugh.
My Ex never let me have anything "feminine" in our bedroom
When we got divorced I got the most fluffy pink flowered comforter.
Compromise is everything Divorce Lawyers are expensive
|
|
telephus44
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 10:20:21 GMT -5
Posts: 1,259
|
Post by telephus44 on Apr 4, 2011 12:34:30 GMT -5
So now we can see where your wife has control. Let's face it, how many times have you been really upset or overreacted because she bought something?
Just pretend for a minute that every post on here about "my wife spends too much money - how can I get her to understand the long term benefits of saving?" were replaced with "my husband is a slob - how can I get him to understand the benefits of having a clean house?"
My guess is that after all the years of fighting with you about money, she has finally given up and said "Whatever, he be in charge of the money" but in return, she wants to be in charge of something (clearly, the house). If you want her to ease up on exact standards for the house, you're going to have to ease up on how tight you control the purse strings. This is where compromise should come in the marraige.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on Apr 4, 2011 13:51:12 GMT -5
Since I forced Loop to buy a house before she was comfortable with it, I gave her complete control over the interior. However, the way she set up the living room initially was horrible. I kept suggesting we change it, and she kept insisting she liked it the way it was. After a few months I finally moved it all, with the promise I'd put it all back if she didn't like it. It's been set up the way I wanted it ever since. It works SO much better this way. I have no problems with her paint choices or anything else though, so she still has "total" control over the house.
Oh, and I picked out the couches. And insisted on leather instead of cloth. That's it though. Other than that it's all her and I stay out of it.
ETA - I may have lobbied for the stainless steel fridge too. I honestly don't remember, but I have a hazy memory of her wanting a white one and me insisting that stainless would match the stoves more.
I may have some control issues.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 2, 2024 4:18:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2011 14:47:48 GMT -5
"If I let my husband be in charge of decorating every room in the house would look like the garage... " lol... I'm so not a girl... We're talking about all radiant flooring in the new house we're planning on building (eventually) and husband asked what type of flooring i wanted... I asked if we could keep it concrete, and maybe add drains, so i could just hose it all down? ... I really just want to live in a barn/warehouse
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 2, 2024 4:18:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2011 16:56:25 GMT -5
As for the packing and things that frustrated your wife- I am the same way. I suffer from insomnia frequently and my brain takes this time to plan out step by step what I want to do. We are building a fence and I know exactly how it is supposed to go and the sequence of events. DH has learned that it's just the way it is with me. We have moved 5 times in 15 years and I have personally packed every single box, every single time. And unpacked every single box at the new place. I have a plan and if I can't follow through on it, it drives me crazy. Yep that is my wife to the T. It is like she deconstruct every move down to the slightest details. My wife is me when it comes to the house: She doesn't just see the forest, the trees, but every single leaf.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 2, 2024 4:18:08 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2011 16:57:54 GMT -5
So now we can see where your wife has control. Let's face it, how many times have you been really upset or overreacted because she bought something? Just pretend for a minute that every post on here about "my wife spends too much money - how can I get her to understand the long term benefits of saving?" were replaced with "my husband is a slob - how can I get him to understand the benefits of having a clean house?" My guess is that after all the years of fighting with you about money, she has finally given up and said "Whatever, he be in charge of the money" but in return, she wants to be in charge of something (clearly, the house). If you want her to ease up on exact standards for the house, you're going to have to ease up on how tight you control the purse strings. This is where compromise should come in the marraige. Like I said in the OP I am ok with it. I pass all the major decisions by her and she agrees to do the same...
|
|