So how does it work for you?

[Deleted]

Yesterday while I was home alone, I decided to move a few things around and also packing a few of our stuff. When my wife got home she just lost it... I mean seriously!

It was not the way she wanted it, she had a vision in mind when she put everything together. I said: So I am paying rent yet I have no say in what goes on, I live under guidelines/rules. I might as well move back in with my parents at least then I will not have to pay rent.

She replied with: I let you handle the finances, can I handle the house. In her mind it was an even exchange: she lets me handle the finances and I let her rule our apartment from design, setup to paint.

So I pushed: she has veto power for everything that is purchase or final say, I don't have that. She said that she haven't gone against anything I said, suggest for some time now, so I do have the final say and veto power. But I do get a say for purchases or should I say up to what amount she can spend on certain things.

After I thought about it, I am perfectly ok with it. Let her keep the apartment, I will keep the finances. So do you have a set up like that with your SO? Some domain is totally yours and some your SO. You have absolute control over some decisions and your SO doesn't care much for it and let you have a blast?

[Deleted]

I make most of the decisions. If he has a strong opinion, we discuss it and i'm flexible... but day to day, i'm the one who handles the finances and the wall paint...

So, i guess i don't consider it 'absolute control' over anything.... honestly, i can't see where either one of us would put the foot down and do exactly what the other person doesn't want to do... but most of the daily responsiblity for decisions on money and household stuff is made by me...

[Deleted]

Oh my Cawiau, that sound like a not so nice way to live, you can't even pack things up without her being upset?

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2011 9:07:48 GMT -5 @gin1984 said:

Oh my Cawiau, that sound like a not so nice way to live, you can't even pack things up without her being upset?

It seems she already had a plan for packing, how she would pack, when she would start.

My wife is a neat freak, freak organizer, attention to details annoying, and the list goes on: my wife was seriously groomed to be the perfect house wife, she just married a guy that doesn't care for a housewife.

My apartment could be in magazine and that includes how neat it is always is. Believe me the past two years it drove me crazy because a "man" needs to be filthy, messy and just not care about coasters.

Mine you I do appreciate it, but who cares if my dirty clothes are on the floor for a few minutes or I forgot to put the pillow back on the sofa just the way it is. Sometimes she just goes overboard but I love anyway

[Deleted]

oh my... and we are going to introduce children into this pristine space...

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2011 9:20:59 GMT -5 oped said:

oh my... and we are going to introduce children into this pristine space...

I tell her all the time: how about when we have kids?

She still believes it will be no problem because she was raised the same way and she had no issue with it. Kids can be taught to respect space/things and they will have their own play area / play room that can be a mess during the day but needs to be cleaned at the end of the evening.

I just laugh and tell her I will check back with her when our kids are toddlers ;D ;D ;D

[JustLurkin]

Apr 3, 2011 9:23:25 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Apr 3, 2011 9:20:59 GMT -5 oped said:

oh my... and we are going to introduce children into this pristine space...

I tell her all the time: how about when we have kids?

She still believes it will be no problem because she was raised the same way and she had no issue with it. Kids can be taught to respect space/things and they will have their own play area / play room that can be a mess during the day but needs to be cleaned at the end of the evening.

I just laugh and tell her I will check back with her when our kids are toddlers ;D ;D ;D

My niece and nephew live that way, they aren't allowed to have their things out of place during the day in their room because their mom becomes completely unhinged. Hopefully your wife won't take it to that extreme. It makes me sad for them that they don't have free reign to be comfortable in their own home; they never have friends over.

[Deleted]

I know that some people experience real physical, anxiety, pain even?, when their space is disordered or not the way they need it to be. I feel for them... and am thankful i do not have that problem... lol... I have a friend though, we get along great, but my tendency to keep money willy nilly really causes her, with her orderly bills organized from 1s to 50s and all facing the same way, palpatations at time, ... (we won't even get in to my insistance that forks, spoons, etc. don't actually NEED their own assigned space in a drawer... lol)

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2011 9:36:12 GMT -5 oped said:

I know that some people experience real physical, anxiety, pain even?, when their space is disordered or not the way they need it to be. I feel for them... and am thankful i do not have that problem... lol... I have a friend though, we get along great, but my tendency to keep money willy nilly really causes her, with her orderly bills organized from 1s to 50s and all facing the same way, palpatations at time, ... (we won't even get in to my insistance that forks, spoons, etc. don't actually NEED their own assigned space in a drawer... lol)

For my wife it is not physical pain but mostly being bothered by it. I mean not go to sleep till the house is clean to her standards, or if we have guests coming over it is an all out cleaning project.

I feel it is giving yourself unecessary stress for no reason unless of course we are expecting guests. What is wrong with the pillow on the floor in the living room, a few dishes in the sink, the bed not made (she wants it to get made every morning, I feel why? I am only gonna get back in it a couple hours later ), a few papers pilling on my desk.

As she told me, the house is her sanctuary. When it is sparkly clean she is at peace. If it is not, she is bothered and cannot go to bed till she fixes everything.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2011 9:35:37 GMT -5 JustLurkin said:

Apr 3, 2011 9:23:25 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

I tell her all the time: how about when we have kids?

She still believes it will be no problem because she was raised the same way and she had no issue with it. Kids can be taught to respect space/things and they will have their own play area / play room that can be a mess during the day but needs to be cleaned at the end of the evening.

I just laugh and tell her I will check back with her when our kids are toddlers ;D ;D ;D

My niece and nephew live that way, they aren't allowed to have their things out of place during the day in their room because their mom becomes completely unhinged. Hopefully your wife won't take it to that extreme. It makes me sad for them that they don't have free reign to be comfortable in their own home; they never have friends over.

This is what I am worried about. I have an inlaw that have a white living room and have 5 kids. The kids are not allowed anywhere near it or the dining room.

I feel it is insane, I don't want my kids to have limitations in their own house, on where they can go or not. I understand respecting things, etc but I am not living in a museum and I don't want my kids to feel like they do.

A big mess, no. But a few toys out of place, the bed not made... what is the big deal.

[illinicheme]

Neither of us has absolute control of anything. In general, we're fairly even on the finances, even though I'm slightly more conscious of the day-to-day details. We're on the same page for the majority of things, and just have to have discussions from time to time about risk tolerance (I'm much more risk tolerant, probably because of upbringing. My parents have accumulated several million in net worth by saving and investing wisely. DH's parents can barely make ends meet, mainly because of stupid decisions.)

I'm more involved the decoration of the house, but DH definitely has input. I have full control over things he doesn't care about (like letting me paint the computer room bright turquoise), but I do try to figure out what is important to him (a modern-looking black leather recliner in the family room) and "design" the rest of the room around that. Our house is usually pretty messy/dirty, which is why we've recently hired a housekeeper, which is awesome!!

[TD2K]

I decided to move a few things around and also packing a few of our stuff. When my wife got home she just lost it... I mean seriously!

Never been with someone like that. Though I'd have to admit if anyone I've lived with didn't like something, they'd likely just re-arrange it to what they wanted and look for my reaction. I've got no problem with that, as somone else said, I have no 'feel' for how to set up a room and how stuff is laid out can really change the feel of a room.

Now, if anyone decided "that's not needed, I'm going to chuck it" we would have some serious words but that's never been a problem.

[TD2K]

But a few toys out of place, the bed not made

My GF hates having the bed unmade. Me, it's like "hey, look at that, how about using it? "

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2011 10:17:31 GMT -5 TD2K said:

I decided to move a few things around and also packing a few of our stuff. When my wife got home she just lost it... I mean seriously!

Never been with someone like that. Though I'd have to admit if anyone I've lived with didn't like something, they'd likely just re-arrange it to what they wanted and look for my reaction. I've got no problem with that, as somone else said, I have no 'feel' for how to set up a room and how stuff is laid out can really change the feel of a room.

Now, if anyone decided "that's not needed, I'm going to chuck it" we would have some serious words but that's never been a problem.

It did not matter to me either but I was just surprised how serious she took it. I don't care for design/setup... I just know we need a dining room table and chairs in a dining room, sofa in a living room with a TV.

We have been in our current apartment less than a year and my wife have re-arranged the living room setup at least 3 times as far as I can remember. Everything was picked with layout/colors/room size in mind.

Every picture/paint that she made me hang was carefully thought off for weeks, there is a feel/certain flow to everything. I seriously think she missed her calling and should have gone into interior design, but I'll take that back. I might end up broker than I am right now if she did that

We gets lots of compliments for our apartment but I just see the $$$ that was spent to get it to that place.

[MN-Investor]

Now this has to be the funniest post I've read all week. Cawiau, I love your your posts, and I appreciate how you are trying to get your wife to be financially responsible. It's a subject near and dear to you. You wife calls you a cheapskate (or something like that, I forget what exactly it was) and you understand why she says that. Now it comes out - to us - that she's exactly like you only with keeping the house neat.

When you buy a house - I'm assuming you will at some point - you might want to have your own man cave in which you get to set the cleanliness standard. And you might fight for your children, that they get to be a bit more lax in their own bedrooms. But, as strongly as your wife feels about the issue, it's probably a battle you want to approach cautiously.

[Gardening Grandma]

So do you have a set up like that with your SO? Some domain is totally yours and some your SO.

Somewhat. He can do whatever he wants in the garage and the guest bedroom (which is also his computer room). I do whatever I want in my workroom.

The main area of the house, however, is community area and we have equal say. I tell him how I want the furniture arranged and he arranges it. ;D

[TD2K]

Every picture/paint that she made me hang was carefully thought off for weeks, there is a feel/certain flow to everything. I seriously think she missed her calling and should have gone into interior design,


While she obviously has a knack for something I don't and taking some time where to locate items rather than my approach (I need a large picture, there's a large picture ), to take 'weeks' to decide the order of pictures is bordering on a problem to me.

[achelois]

I am a lot like Cawiau's wife, but the kids could be relaxed and play in their rooms pretty much. I did not let them take food there-- food stayed in the kitchen.

I like the beds made and the main areas neat. My ex had a room for "his" stuff--the man cave someone called it. Lol. I would not have gone in there for love or money. At least not without an armed escort.

When we first got married he would leave clothes on the floor beside the bed. I did NOT "see" these and he eventually ran out of clothes he wanted to wear and had to wash and them himself. After that he put clothes in the hamper so he would not gave to do women's work again.

[achelois]

Darn duplicates.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2011 10:23:53 GMT -5 MN-Investor said:

Now this has to be the funniest post I've read all week. Cawiau, I love your your posts, and I appreciate how you are trying to get your wife to be financially responsible. It's a subject near and dear to you. You wife calls you a cheapskate (or something like that, I forget what exactly it was) and you understand why she says that. Now it comes out - to us - that she's exactly like you only with keeping the house neat.

When you buy a house - I'm assuming you will at some point - you might want to have your own man cave in which you get to set the cleanliness standard. And you might fight for your children, that they get to be a bit more lax in their own bedrooms. But, as strongly as your wife feels about the issue, it's probably a battle you want to approach cautiously.

Yep, my wife is a neat freak. My car is my only man cave currently and she hates having to ride in it.
I have coffee stains, food stains, garbage on the floor, etc while her car still look good as new, and she has a no food/drink policy for her car.

Off course when her little cousins and my siblings visits they all rather ride my car (we can stop at any fast food joint and pick go thru the drive thru while her she wants to stop and go eat inside).

Yesterday she said: I know sometimes I can sound bossy and I will try to work on that. But you are just messy, can you pick up after yourself

[Gardening Grandma]

I have coffee stains, food stains, garbage on the floor, etc while her car still look good as new, and she has a no food/drink policy for her car.

In this area, I'm like you and DH is like your wife. I take the dogs and g'kids to McD's and french fries that get spilled and left (the ones that the dogs miss). Drives him nuts. There is no way that I won't drink my coffee in my car...
I'll go to the nursery and bring home plants & stuff, soil gets spilt - stuff happens.....

He avoids driving my car. Periodically he cleans out, vacuums and spiffs up my car.

[lynnerself]

We are both on the same page financially.
And we are both slobs around the house.
I sometimes wish at least one of us was a compulsive cleaner

[wvugurl26]

I spend way too much time in my car to not drink and eat in it. I clean it out regularly, shampoo stains, etc. When I go home to visit family it is a 5-6 hour drive. I am not making it longer by going in somewhere to eat. I make a stop midway for gas/bathroom break/food and on I go.

My stepmom was a clean freak like that when we were growing up. Spilling anything was the end of the world. Took me a long time to break myself of that. I have to keep a certain level of cleanliness bc of my allergies but I try to be relaxed about it. I have many other things to stress about. My life's aspiration is not to have a magazine spread ready apartment at all times. While your home should be your sanctuary to me that means it should be somewhere you are comfortable and can relax at.

My grandma used to keep a spotless house. When she moved to the country to the middle of the woods, she gave it up. She was mortified when people told her they loved coming to her house now bc they didn't have to be afraid to dirty a glass now. I want my company to enjoy themselves and relax not be afraid to leave a speck of dirt.

Now if you were throwing stuff willy nilly into boxes and have no idea what's in the boxes I'd be annoyed too. If you were packing stuff up you don't need right now and you know what's in the boxes I don't see the problem.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

No, we don't have "his" and "her" rooms or domains, it's all "ours."

That being said, issues like colors, decor, furniture arranging, styles, etc. are far more in my sphere of interest than in his, so I tend to make most of the decisions/suggestions on these topics and then seek his approval and input. Since he's the head of the household and the head of our family, of course his say is final and I always submit to his wishes if we have a disagreement (which is rare) ... but, truth be told, he goes along with my preferences and likes 95% of the time. In turn, he's pretty much in charge of the garage and his tools and all electronic things, and where instruction manuals are kept, etc. He also does a better job of cupboard and closet organizing than I do.

Then again, we're two neat freaks married to each other, so it works for us. ;D

[TD2K]

But, remember, "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". And, if she is happy, you will be happy and if she is happy she will eventually think the 60" HiDef Plasma tv is a good idea.

If MU posted this but as "if papa aint' happy" we'd know where to tell him to go.


But rearranging, painting, remodeling without her explicit OK, not a good idea!

It should be something both parties have a say in. There's a big difference between her coming home and finding you have had the house repainted and hanging some pictures. If she doesn't like where the pictures are, they can easily be moved. Going off on him might just be she had a bad day or a sign of problems in the future. But saying the house is hers and don't touch it is BS in today's age.

[busymom]

If she can't go to bed until the house is at a certain level of clean, she sounds a little OCD to me. Not that she can help it (some people are just plain wired that they cannot function in clutter).

If it doesn't bother you Cawaiu, then it's not a problem.

[midjd]

DH and I definitely have different cleanliness standards... but he does most of the dishes/laundry and cooks, so I don't mind doing the bathrooms, dusting, mopping, etc. He doesn't tend to "clean" so much as just straighten. I do know what your wife is talking about, Cawaiu, with the not-being-able-to-go-to-sleep-til-the-house-is-clean thing. Clutter makes me uneasy and I can't really relax with a mess around me.

As far as the house goes, the basement, garage, and yard are DH's domain... it was his trade-off for letting me make the decor decisions in the rest of the house. Still, we try to compromise on most "mutual area" things. He keeps the garage reasonably neat, and I don't paint any rooms hot pink!

[lulubean]

I can't buy any package damaged and I never grab the first one. DH likes to tell me it takes double the time to go shopping and that he will put a dented box in the cart just to see my head spin. Sounds like major OCD to me. Sorry Caw, hope it works out in the long wrong.

[Jake 48]

I take care of the outside, mow the lawn, shovel etc.. DW picks out curtains, paint etc.. I install or apply. Drives her crazy though I could care less what color schemes she picks, only want to apply once so get it right the first time

[Deleted]

The joys of singlehood, I get control of it all, and I really love it. When I was married I never had complete control of anything. There was always someone else to consider. I didn't realise how much that bugged me until I didn't have to do that anymore. ;D