My mom is arriving tomorrow

[Ava]

I am cleaning the house as best I can today.

My house is a mess and I had to take the day off to do this.

Once I'm done it would be ok, but not great. I don't have enough time or energy for more than ok.

I have put on a lot of weight lately. It's the result of a long commute, working full time, and having accelerated online classes. I sit all day and eat whatever.

I couldn't do it all. I need to pass the classes and then exercise, grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking went out the window.

I know my mother is going to make nasty comments about my weight. It breaks my heart that she tries to control what I eat and how much I weight. At one point I had to stop taking her calls because I felt bullied. I know that I'll pick her up at the airport early tomorrow and she'll look me up and down and make some sort of remark.

Don't get me wrong I love my mom. But she calls me every day when she's at home, takes approx. 30 minutes a day talking, and when she's here my life revolves around her. It's like I cannot launch because she's either coming, just left, or I am going to visit.

She's getting on in years and feels very lonely, and I don't have the heart to push her away. Sometimes I feel a little bit strangled, though.

I don't even want to think what'll happen as she gets older and needs assistance. So far she's independent and lives alone.

[Tennesseer]

Can you have a sitdown with mom and tell her how her comments hurt?  Mom needs to hear that.  And when she does put you down, simply say no.  Again, and again, and again.

[Ava]

I've had that conversation with her.

Thing is, older people tend to be very stubborn.

She would stop for a while and then start again.

She also claims she's concerned about my health. I know she is, but that is not the whole picture. She has turned the whole issue into some sort of weapon.

She's naturally thin so I don't expect her to understand my struggle, but I think once she has expressed her concerns she should stop there.

[Ava]

I change the subject, ignore when she starts. But it hurts anyway.

[Tennesseer]

Jun 8, 2018 9:36:01 GMT -5 Ava said:

I change the subject, ignore when she starts. But it hurts anyway.

If mom has any vanity, pick on her imperfections? Even the smallest ones. Maybe she will 'get it'.

Stand your ground.

[Ava]

Nooo, it's not in my nature. I would never pick on someone's insecurities.

I try to stand my ground by ignoring and changing the subject.

I even told her once that if she cannot accept me as I am she should keep on living her life and I'll keep living mine. But like I said, she goes in circles.

She's still very time consuming, even when she's not here because she calls every day.

Don't get me wrong, we get along fine and we have fun going out when she's here. When I'm on my own I stay home, or visit a friend, or go out with a Meetup group. Mostly I stay home because I don't have anybody to go with.

But she's becoming very needy and I can see it getting worse as time goes by.

[swasat]

She is doing it because you are letting her get away with it.

I'd adopt a standard answer..."Mom, my weight and health are not up for discussion." Then change the subject. If she persists, rinse and repeat. If she STILL persists, just leave the room, get away from her or the best tool...go stone silent. No one should be able to force you to talk if you don't want to.

[Tennesseer]

Ava-purchase one of these, a small air horn.  Keep it in your pocket.  Everytime mom starts in on you, give it a blast.

[Ava]

Jun 8, 2018 10:10:11 GMT -5 swasat said:

She is doing it because you are letting her get away with it.

I'd adopt a standard answer..."Mom, my weight and health are not up for discussion." Then change the subject. If she persists, rinse and repeat. If she STILL persists, just leave the room, get away from her or the best tool...go stone silent. No one should be able to force you to talk if you don't want to.

I will try that approach.

[Ava]

Jun 8, 2018 10:22:35 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Ava-purchase one of these, a small air horn.  Keep it in your pocket.  Everytime mom starts in on you, give it a blast.

[bean29]

Jun 8, 2018 10:22:40 GMT -5 Ava said:

Jun 8, 2018 10:10:11 GMT -5 swasat said:

She is doing it because you are letting her get away with it.

I'd adopt a standard answer..."Mom, my weight and health are not up for discussion." Then change the subject. If she persists, rinse and repeat. If she STILL persists, just leave the room, get away from her or the best tool...go stone silent. No one should be able to force you to talk if you don't want to.

I will try that approach.

yeah, I was kind of thinking about all the talk about "fat shaming" not being appropriate, or not P.C.  I know your Mom does not live in the US, so I don't know if "fat shaming" is out of favor where she is from or not...but the last time I commented about my daughters weight, and I think it was along the order of you need to tone your muscles - she shot back way to "fat shame" Mom. 

Maybe you could leave some reading material around that talks about body positivity or loving yourself or some such idea?

[debthaven]

How it is going with your mom Ava? Thinking of you.

[haapai]

If it makes you feel any better, I've put on ten pounds since I last saw my mother and I dread her reaction.  Moms can be unhinging. 

[raeoflyte]

Ava--my in-laws comment on everyone's weight.  It drives me nuts.  FIL is not from this country and everyone makes a lot of excuses about his behavior because of that but I figure then they can make the same excuses about my rude responses because of where I am from. 

Dh has put his foot down on their comments about our kids and he no longer ignores the comments even when they are talking about others when we are present because it isn't something we want the kids hearing.  

[countrygirl2]

DIL and son comment on DD's weight, but I do too, however, she really can't help it.  DIL even admitted, DD doesn't eat that much.  She is on 2 meds now the doc said will cause her to gain, damn.


Sons belly is getting big, he eats a LOT.  DIL is getting a roll in the front and has gained a lot in her butt.  They are both so antifat, and into looks, wonder what they will do when they realize.  I know DIL doesn't drink milk and I noticed this trip she is getting kind of round shouldered.  I fear she will have osteoporosis even with other things she eats.


I will not say anything, but I'm silently enjoying the scene.  They have no idea they are gaining I don't think and by the time they realize, well, LOL!

In the meantime, told hubs going to try and change our diet to more veggies and stuff.

[countrygirl2]

Weight is an issue for most everyone anymore.  We try to keep it under control but its slipping out of hand again.  Poor DD, I don't know what I can do to help nor hubs.  And mine isn't great, so I sympathize with anyone about weight.

[zibazinski]

I ordered a small unsweetened tea from McDonalds yesterday. I shudder to think what the large looks like. It was huge.

[kjto1]

How is your visit with your Mom going?

[Ava]

Jun 11, 2018 14:58:57 GMT -5 debthaven said:

How it is going with your mom Ava ? Thinking of you.

oh, thank you. You are so sweet.

It's going relatively well.

She was quiet for a while but after a couple of weeks started on it again.

I ignore the comments and don't reply.

I just don't understand why she's so insistent.

[Ava]

Jun 11, 2018 16:10:40 GMT -5 haapai said:

If it makes you feel any better, I've put on ten pounds since I last saw my mother and I dread her reaction.  Moms can be unhinging. 

I know.

[Ava]

Jun 12, 2018 12:01:29 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Ava--my in-laws comment on everyone's weight.  It drives me nuts.  FIL is not from this country and everyone makes a lot of excuses about his behavior because of that but I figure then they can make the same excuses about my rude responses because of where I am from. 

Dh has put his foot down on their comments about our kids and he no longer ignores the comments even when they are talking about others when we are present because it isn't something we want the kids hearing.  

I have posted a couple of threads about that sort of behavior at my workplace,

When a new mom comes back from maternity leave they look at her up and down and if she looks fit they say she looks "great". If the new mom is still carrying baby weight they keep staring at her.

Almost all my coworkers make comments about other people's bodies and "great" is code for thin. I don't understand why body weight is so important to them and why they think it's acceptable to talk so much about how someone looks.

My personal belief is that HR keeps pushing so hard for us to be "healthy" that everybody is now obsessed.

Anyone who has lost weight or is thin looks "great" and they keep commenting on that.

If someone brings a treat they start dancing around it and justifying aloud why they "deserve" a portion because they have been "good" all week. But the treat disappears in seconds.

[Ava]

Jul 12, 2018 7:05:17 GMT -5 kjto1 said:

How is your visit with your Mom going?

It's going well minus the weight comments.

It's nice to have her around.

[Happy prose]

Jul 21, 2018 9:48:28 GMT -5 Ava said:

Jun 11, 2018 14:58:57 GMT -5 debthaven said:

How it is going with your mom Ava ? Thinking of you.

oh, thank you. You are so sweet.

It's going relatively well.

She was quiet for a while but after a couple of weeks started on it again.

I ignore the comments and don't reply.

I just don't understand why she's so insistent.

Maybe as a mom, she's concerned about your health, and not your appearance. I'm sure it's not intended to be hurtful.

[Ava]

Jul 21, 2018 10:06:34 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

Jul 21, 2018 9:48:28 GMT -5 Ava said:

oh, thank you. You are so sweet.

It's going relatively well.

She was quiet for a while but after a couple of weeks started on it again.

I ignore the comments and don't reply.

I just don't understand why she's so insistent.

Maybe as a mom, she's concerned about your health, and not your appearance. I'm sure it's not intended to be hurtful.

Absolutely.

But she keeps nagging and nagging. Once the comment has been made and the advice given, it should stop there.

[zibazinski]

Jul 21, 2018 10:06:34 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

Jul 21, 2018 9:48:28 GMT -5 Ava said:

oh, thank you. You are so sweet.

It's going relatively well.

She was quiet for a while but after a couple of weeks started on it again.

I ignore the comments and don't reply.

I just don't understand why she's so insistent.

Maybe as a mom, she's concerned about your health, and not your appearance. I'm sure it's not intended to be hurtful.

Or she wants you in a relationship and fears you won’t get a partner if you’re overweight.

[zibazinski]

Jul 21, 2018 10:25:04 GMT -5 Ava said:

Jul 21, 2018 10:06:34 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

Maybe as a mom, she's concerned about your health, and not your appearance. I'm sure it's not intended to be hurtful.

Absolutely.

But she keeps nagging and nagging. Once the comment has been made and the advice given, it should stop there.

Are you eating bad stuff right in front of her?

[thyme4change]

When I had it the first time I told my mom to give it a rest.

The second time I angrily shot off a "back off."

Both were effective for a time.

People shouldn't just be allowed to treat people like shit just because they have birth to them.

[thyme4change]

Jul 21, 2018 13:38:30 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

When I had it the first time I told my mom to give it a rest.

The second time I angrily shot off a "back off."

Both were effective for a time.

People shouldn't just be allowed to treat people like shit just because they have birth to them.

We were talking about mean moms tonight - I had friends over, 2 of which have crazy mean moms. My husband I noted that my mom has backed way off in the past few years. I don't know if her epiphany was her age, my age, or an acknowledgement of my success or she just gave up. But it is a lot more peaceful between us.

[countrygirl2]

I need to quit too, I worry about DD's weight scared to death she will become diabetic and don't know how in the world I would deal with that.  She thinks I am just being mean, I'm not, but need to quit because she doesn't understand and its not helping anything.  She needs to feel positive about herself and here I'm not helping.


It is so hard to change.

[zibazinski]

Don’t buy junk and she won’t eat it