Have something important coming up in hear future.

[RoadToRiches]

I am looking for some serious advice. The story is long but I will try to keep it short and type important information only. My question is, what steps should I take to make this work?

My mom lives in pretty bad area. She is not able to work and if she does, she helps out older ladies for little money. She is not doing pretty good health wise, suffering from depression. She was not allowed to take dissability and is 63 years old. No savings at all, no retirement plans.

She makes pretty much below poverty, little over $600 a month. Currently she lives rent free but this is going to change. The house she lives in now is on the market. She is taking care of it, but the older lady that lived downstairs fell down and ended up in a nursing home. My mom was taking care of here when lady lived there and that's why my mom's rent was cheap. This property has been on a market for a long time. It's bad area so there is not many bites. But now, she got a call that inspector is coming in, etc, etc.

I really need to get her out of that area. It's not a ghetto or anything, but it's just bad. For every house on the street, there are 10 in foreclosure.

She will have another place to move, owned by someone that she knows for $300. Of course, on her "income" that would be hard. I told her I will help her with rent of course. The problem is, that even with an appartment, she wouldn't get approved. I wouldn't either right now because of my debt to income ratio.

Now, my situation is what it is. Some of you know I am paying off my debt. I was thinking, Once I pay everything off (credit cards) and have only mortgage and living expenses, i will have about $1300 left a month. I am keeping focus on my debt payoff so I can get there faster.

With $1300 a month, what are my chances to get approved for second mortgage? I see homes here in decent shape in much better area going for 30-40k which would be million times better from what my mom lives in now. Do you guys think this is a sound plan? Or should I just apply for appartment for her ($550 would get her REALLY nice appartment here)?

I am really struggling with this. I need to get my mom out of there and help her out, but with this debt now I can't. I will be able to though, next year.

Any ideas?

[Gardening Grandma]

Your mom is fortunate to have such a caring son. Before you step in further, I'd suggest you find out what resources are available to your mom in her area.
Try googling "senior assistance" + her county. She is likely eligible for low income housing and other assistance.
At 63, have you looked into her SS eligibility? Likely she qualifies for something - even a small amount can be helpful. Since she did not qualify for disability, has she had any qualifying earned income during her life? Do you think that if she could find work as a caregiver that it might help her depression? She might consider contacting one of the many eldercare agencies.

There are often quite a lot of resources for low income seniors; the difficulty can be locating them.

he will have another place to move, owned by someone that she knows for $300. Of course, on her "income" that would be hard. I told her I will help her with rent of course. The problem is, that even with an appartment, she wouldn't get approved. I wouldn't either right now because of my debt to income ratio.

Does she need to be approved for this place for $300? Since it's someone she knows? That's still 1/2 of her income, so senior housing may well be a better option. Typically they don't charge more than about 1/3 income.

[RoadToRiches]

I am not sure about her SS. I think that might be included into that 600 a month. I am really not sure.

She doesn't have to get approved for the new rent. It's someone she knows, so really there is no credit checks or income check. But the one thing is, it's like couple streets over. I really wish I could get her out of that neighborhood all together.

My thinking at first was, once I pay off my credit cards, I would have some room to breathe and I could easily help her out. I could swing $200 a month to help her which that's all she would really need for now when she moves to the $300 place. I could do it right now no problem. I would just stop $200 going to my ING account and give it to her. that would solve the rent problem but still, she would be living in that crappy area. I was thinking to buy something when I am out of debt, but then, I thought, I could maybe get approved for a nice 1 bedroom apartment. My friend just got one for $500 and it's really nice, one bedroom place in really good area. It would be really good for her. I am kind of thinking that buying 30-40k house would really tie me up into a property that in reality, I wouldn't purchase even if I didn't have to help my mom.

I just don't know. I think about this everyday and it makes me sad. She sacrificed soooo much for me. We immigrated from Europe and she pretty much dropped everything she had there to bring me here. It's just sucks that now, I am not in position to help her out because of my stupid decisions with money. I will be able to help her though, just not right at this moment.

I am not sure if I would want her to go to low income housing. That might be worst where she is at now.

[debtheaven]

I think GG's advice is excellent, there are certainly resources for your mom but you have to find them.

This said, here are some other thoughts.

She was not allowed to take dissability and is 63 years old.

Did she try recently? I'm just asking because if she tried years ago, she could get a very different response now.

the older lady that lived downstairs fell down and ended up in a nursing home. My mom was taking care of here when lady lived there and that's why my mom's rent was cheap.

This makes me think that maybe that lady's child is the landlord? Because otherwise why would they give your mom cheap rent for taking care of that other lady?

With $1300 a month, what are my chances to get approved for second mortgage? I see homes here in decent shape in much better area going for 30-40k which would be million times better from what my mom lives in now. Do you guys think this is a sound plan?

I can't help you there but with homes at that price, I think you are right to look into that possibility. It seems that you live in a very LCOLA if homes are selling at that price.

Another thought, is there any way you could create a MIL apt or move a trailer onto your land for your mom? Even temporarily because I'm guessing it will take some time for you to educate yourself about the resources GG mentioned, plus the wait for them to actually pan out.

Other thought, are there other people in that house who are in a similar situation? Perhaps they could live together in a new place and share the rent.

Lastly, your mom's depression needs to be treated. 63 is really young these days. If she is treated she may bounce back and be able to earn a bit more money which would help both her finances and her self-esteem.

Best of luck to you and your mom.

And karma to you for being such a great son.

[hcj]

The wait lists are very long for the low income senior housing, but I would definitely get her on a few lists ASAP. Go to your county website and look up senior housing. They should have a list of complexes that are income based. I'm sure she qualifies for some sort of assistance besides housing. Call the County's office on aging and see where they can point you to for assistance.

As far as buying a place, I was told banks don't do mortgages for less than $50K, but maybe that's just here in California? And if your mom is in poor health and the only reason you are buying the house is for her, I'd think twice about that.

[debtheaven]

I am kind of thinking that buying 30-40k house would really tie me up into a property that in reality, I wouldn't purchase even if I didn't have to help my mom.

Just saw this. Then you shouldn't do it, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. It might have been a good option if it's something you would have wanted to do anyway.

Also, what's the timeline here? Since I'm guessing that the child of the other lady owns the house, if your mom has taken care of their mom for all this time, could you ask for three to six months?

[azphx1972]

I am so sorry to hear. Is there any particular reason she cannot live with you, at least temporarily until you figure something else out?

[busymom]

I don't know what part of the country you live in, but could she do house-sitting? That's a great way for semi-retired people to keep a roof over their heads while the homeowner gets, for example, sent overseas for a year or 2 for their work.

I would check, as other posters suggested, your county social service office first.

Best of luck!

[Gardening Grandma]

I am not sure if I would want her to go to low income housing. That might be worst where she is at now.

I'd try to keep an open mind. I've seen some that I could live quite comfortably in. Nice area, quiet, walking distance to grocery/dr. You don't know until you look, believe me.

In fact, we own a rental house that is subsidized by Sect 8. It's in a very nice area and across from a park. Modest, but well maintained home.

[Deleted]

Can she do something similar to what she was doing for this woman? We have two ladies who alternate spending the night with my 98-year-old aunt. They don't clean house, wash clothes, or do anything except cook supper and watch a little tv with her. They are responsible only for their own room/bathroom and cleaning after themselves in the kitchen.

Senior housing must be different in other parts in the country. My grandmother lived in it; it was the projects, pure and simple. The elderly were somewhat separated from the families because the elderly lived in the one-bedroom units. It was pretty awful, to be honest, and my grandmother lived like that to demonstrate her independence and spite her daughter (the one who is now 98-years-old).

[RoadToRiches]

Thank you for all your responses.

Living with me: I told her that but she just won't do it. For one, I live far (according to her). I live about 37 miles from her. I used to live where she lives now, but I got the hell out of there as far as I could. She could live with me, but she doesn't want to.

Buying a trailer: I would really like to avoid this. If it came down to it, I rather pay that $400 for her rent. She said she could do $150. together, we could make it work and she would live in a pretty nice, cozy apartment in good area. The only thing that stops me from doing it right now is my debt to income ratio. If the would approve me now, I would just pay $400 less a month on my debt.

The older lady: My mom lived there and paid like $150 a month for rent. It's a big house. My mom lived upstairs. Old lady fell down and broke her legs, arms and ended up in nursing home. Her daughter put the house for sale like year and a half ago. My mom is not paying rent because they agreed she would take care of the place (keep the lights on, heat on, etc.) So she's been living there like that. But now, things are picking up and people are checking the place out.

My mom's health: She is on medication. I know why she is depressed. She just sits there at home with her cat, very little money, didn't really take care of herself lately. I remember she used to look so nice. Now she looks old, tired, unkept. She won't even come over here because "it's too far". There is always excuse. We were going to do thanksgiving at my place and she would call me day before and say something like :" Why dont' you just come here, I have all the stuff here, instead of you picking me up and drive me, etc. etc". Everytime I would say I would pick her up, she backs out on me. It really makes me mad.

Timeline: I am really not sure, but I want to start getting ducks in a row so we are not blind sided and scramble. She is still there... I really doubt anyone will buy the place anytime soon because the older ladies daughter just put a crazy price on a house and I don't think anyone will buy it soon, unless they are nuts. So we do have some time, but have to start thinking.

I am really leaning towards this:

1. Help her out with the $300 rent for now. She said she would need like $150 help.That wouldn't really slow my debt payoff progress. Just a little, but that is fine.
2. Once my debt is paid off, hopefully by March maybe of next year, my debt to income ratio would be good, also my credit would improve big time. I checked my score last night and it went from 570 to 640 just by making those big payments I made on March 15th.
3. Once debt is paid off, apply for an apartment and move her the hell out of where she lives now.

[zibazinski]

First of all, it could and probably will take months for that place she is living in to sell. That buys you time. Also, those that write the checks make the rules. You have offered her a free place to stay, that is VERY generous and that is ALL you should offer.

[azphx1972]

Mar 30, 2011 18:09:17 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Also, those that write the checks make the rules. You have offered her a free place to stay, that is VERY generous and that is ALL you should offer.

That's what I was thinking as well. Just because she doesn't like the idea of rooming with you shouldn't obligate you to derail your financial plans. It's nice to see that you care about your mother so much and are willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy, but you need to watch out for yourself, and she should try to be as small of a burden to you as possible.

[debtheaven]

I agree with Zib and Azphyx.

Here is your timeline:

I am really leaning towards this:

1. Help her out with the $300 rent for now. She said she would need like $150 help.That wouldn't really slow my debt payoff progress. Just a little, but that is fine.
2. Once my debt is paid off, hopefully by March maybe of next year, my debt to income ratio would be good, also my credit would improve big time. I checked my score last night and it went from 570 to 640 just by making those big payments I made on March 15th.
3. Once debt is paid off, apply for an apartment and move her the hell out of where she lives now.

Indebt, this would be MY timeline:

1. For now (NOW, not long term) leave things as they are. Continue to pay off your debt because as you know that will give you more options for later.
2. Apply to senior housing for your mom, yesterday. Get on that waiting list. Visibly the quality seems to be contingent on where you live. Remember, you can always choose to refuse it. It's not because you apply that your mom necessarily has to live there. But get on that list FIRST, and THEN see what happens. For all you know they will open some state-of-the-art senior housing in two years and your mom will be the first one in there. You can't predict the future, so just get her on the list.
3. See what happens after you do one and two. Don't even worry about 3 until you do one and two. That will probably bring you at least six months forward, maybe even nine or 12.

And then you can post again with your current info.

Also, you need to remember (as the past few posts have said) that although she needs your help, that doesn't mean that she makes all the rules. It is obvious that you love her dearly and you just want her to be happy (which she won't be anyway because she is depressed but that's beside the point.) Remember that it's OKAY to come up with a temporary solution / compromise, and it's OKAY to say that this is the situation FOR NOW, and we will both work on changing it if it's not satisfactory.

SS made a GREAT point about being a companion (that's what it's called here) to another elderly person. The other things I can think of that your mom might be able to do is occasional childcare.

Which might be an argument for NOT putting her somewhere too remote where she wouldn't have access to those opportunities, if she might be up for them.

Again, best.

ETA: You say she sits with her cat ... so how about becoming a pet sitter?!

[RoadToRiches]

Thanks again for all the replies. I just talked to her and she seems to do a little better than yesterday. I told her not to worry, that I will help her no problem. She said she will look for a job and see what she can do. She said lets just wait for now see how things go with this house. But she is doing much better than yesterday. She told me that "I lifted her up".

My mom is just too proud sometimes, if that makes any sense. She always would say that she would absolutely not live with me because she would't want to put a burden on me. She is not trying to put any rules on me. She won't even call me with smallest problems and it agrivates me a lot.

She mentioned she looked at some brochures that she gets from some senior living. It's actually in a pretty nice area. I know where it is.

We will be ok. Just one of those days I guess. We will just keep truckin' along and down the road things will get better. I just have to take care of her. It's my turn now. She did so much for me.

[whoisjohngalt]

I don't know how is taking money from you any better than living with you, pride wise.

I also don't understand "too far" thing. What exactly is keeping her in an area she is in instead of living with you, even 37 miles away. If she is concerned about her "job" of old ladies she is helping, they are everywhere.

I would be more concerned about her depression than bad area. Senior housing or not, you might want to look into places that have other older people around so she doesn't sit at home with her cat all day long. That's what gets old(er) people a lot of times, not physical, but mental state and they just fade away.

Lena

[hcj]

Mar 30, 2011 17:48:34 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

I am not sure if I would want her to go to low income housing. That might be worst where she is at now.

I'd try to keep an open mind. I've seen some that I could live quite comfortably in. Nice area, quiet, walking distance to grocery/dr. You don't know until you look, believe me.

In fact, we own a rental house that is subsidized by Sect 8. It's in a very nice area and across from a park. Modest, but well maintained home.

Definitely don't poo poo this idea. Focus on the ones that are senior complexes. The one my mom lived in was in a neighborhood of million dollar homes! Some of the apartments even had ocean views. The rent is 1/3rd their income, so it's a pretty sweet deal. When she moved further south the complex wasn't as nice as the ritzy neighborhood, but it was a wonderful community and we only had to wait 3 months for her name to come up there.

Ultimately, she got to the point where she couldn't live on her own anymore and she lived here with us for a year and a half. Then, my niece agreed that she would take care of her in exchange for having all the bills and food paid in a 2bd apartment. The rent is nearly all my mom's income, so I did have to sign for the apartment and I subsidize the rest. I should probably get my mom on food stamps.

[cronewitch]

I would tell your mom you need her to help you at your house. She can pay you $150 a month for rent and utilities or she can stay free for doing the cooking. Then she will feel less worthless.

I will be her age next month so I know she isn't really old and may not be old enough for senior housing or to just rock for the next 30 years.

Try to find her a real job or make her a job. I don't know what she can do but figure something out. You said she is from another country, is she bilingual? Maybe she can tutor or translate. Can she work as a greeter at Walmart or other easy jobs?

How is her ability to clean houses, if she isn't able to land the jobs maybe you could advertise her services and her do the work.

There are a million little jobs that people mostly don't want. My boyfriend's sister worked for a vet and they hired his mom to clean cages at night, her daughter helped her. Maybe you could land a janitor job at night and let her help you clean offices, then you can share transportation.

[shanendoah]

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if this was mentioned...

You say your mom "didn't qualify for disability". Do you mean she applied for social security disability and was denied? That doesn't actually mean she doesn't qualify.

Sadly, only 10% or so of initial applications for SSD are approved. Most are denied without even being looked at. Your mom needs to apply a second time. Again, she will most likely be denied (like 20% of 2nd applications are approved). She will then need to apply a third time. Around 80% of third applications are accepted. The caveat being that you can NOT file on your own the third time, you must have a lawyer file for you. However, a local elder law group or legal aid group can help her with that.

(disclaimer: my 10%/20%/80% numbers are estimates, but they are close to the actual numbers)

My MIL, who was very obviously disabled in an on the job accident (she gets private disability, as well) had to apply 3 times for her SSI. My mother, who worked for the state worker's comp insurance at the time, was the one who first told me about the SSD application run around. The disability lawyer we worked with on her case agreed with my mom's assessment, and filed all three of the MIL's SSD applications.

[hoops902]

"My mom is just too proud sometimes, if that makes any sense. She always would say that she would absolutely not live with me because she would't want to put a burden on me. She is not trying to put any rules on me. She won't even call me with smallest problems and it agrivates me a lot."

She's too proud to live with you where she could help out? But she's not too proud to take money from you? That seems intuitively backwards to me.

I agree with Crone, assuming you want her to come live with you. Your mother is apparently able to do plenty of things. I would think that would be a great help around the house, cleaning, cooking, etc. She can "earn her keep", you wouldn't have to pay her rent, she can get out of the area she's in that you don't like, it might do her good psychologically to be around loved ones. Seems like the perfect setup.

[morrisr2d2]

My mother is in a very similar situation to yours - 60, severly depressed and antisocial, prescription drug problems, and can barely hold a job. I've gone round and round about helping her go through her finances, helping pay her rent, and offering her to live with me which she refuses cause she's too proud, but will take my money.

I've finally stopped worrying and let her be. I told her I always have a room available in my house if she needs/wants it, and in my head I've accept the fact I'll probably need to give her rent once or twice a year ($585 a pop) and not to worry about it. You can kill yourself worrying - just give her the options you can and it's up to her to accept it.