Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2017 8:44:32 GMT -5
Sounds good on the remarry provision. I know a lot of older folks don't like the "living in sin". In my case I'd be OK with it- my 33-year old evangelical Christian son would not! Regardless, I can't imagine it happening; I love my house, don't want to move some guy into it (would be VERY messy to get him out again if it didn't work) and don't ever want to sell my place and move into someone else's house. DH and I "lived together in two houses" for 6 years before we married. I could do that again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2017 9:23:09 GMT -5
Sounds good on the remarry provision. I know a lot of older folks don't like the "living in sin". In my case I'd be OK with it- my 33-year old evangelical Christian son would not! Regardless, I can't imagine it happening; I love my house, don't want to move some guy into it (would be VERY messy to get him out again if it didn't work) and don't ever want to sell my place and move into someone else's house. DH and I "lived together in two houses" for 6 years before we married. I could do that again. Yes. My daughter was really upset when my ex-bf moved in. She said some stuff about not knowing whether she could let her children (my grandchildren) be around such a relationship. Fortunately, she only had a baby at the time so she didn't press the issue. I told my now-DH about the situation, and we decided to get married. She was so thrilled that you would have thought it was her wedding! I won't remarry again, but I don't regret doing it when I was 55.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Dec 3, 2017 14:58:42 GMT -5
If I was dating someone who was open about their debt and was working on a plan to reduce it, I probably would have married them.
If they tried to hide their financial obligations from me, or if they kept piling on more debt rather than try to pay off what they already owed, it would be a solid no. I wanted to marry a responsible man, not babysit someone who couldn't be trusted not to blow money.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 3, 2017 18:17:19 GMT -5
I think the day my kids told me how to live my life would be a cold day in hell.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 3, 2017 18:50:51 GMT -5
I think the day my kids told me how to live my life would be a cold day in hell. That's true but if they have your grandchildren, then it gets even more complicated.
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Rob Base 2.0
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on Dec 3, 2017 18:54:31 GMT -5
As far as marrying into debt, it depends how much debt and what the person looks like nekkid
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 3, 2017 19:18:04 GMT -5
I think the day my kids told me how to live my life would be a cold day in hell. That's true but if they have your grandchildren, then it gets even more complicated. Well, no issues there at least yet if ever.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 3, 2017 22:09:39 GMT -5
I think the day my kids told me how to live my life would be a cold day in hell. They are not telling the other folks how to live their life, they are telling them what they will or will not allow their kids to be around of/ exposed to. Ex: my friend refuse to allow her child around smoke or smokers. Her MIL is a heavy smoker or should I say was. She wants to see her grandchild she will have to come to my friend house where no smoking is allowed and her grandson was not allowed to her house for a visit or sleep over until she quit smoking , had the house properly cleaned/painted and her DIL gave her approval. They have no rights to tell you how to live your life but as parents it is well within their rights to decide what they will let their kids be exposed to. So if I want to teach my daughter “no sex before marriage” or “no living in sin” ... there is no way I am sending her to grandmas house where she has her boy toy or boyfriend (not that I am).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2017 22:31:29 GMT -5
I think the day my kids told me how to live my life would be a cold day in hell. They are not telling the other folks how to live their life, they are telling them what they will or will not allow their kids to be around of/ exposed to. Ex: my friend refuse to allow her child around smoke or smokers. Her MIL is a heavy smoker or should I say was. She wants to see her grandchild she will have to come to my friend house where no smoking is allowed and her grandson was not allowed to her house for a visit or sleep over until she quit smoking , had the house properly cleaned/painted and her DIL gave her approval. They have no rights to tell you how to live your life but as parents it is well within their rights to decide what they will let their kids be exposed to. So if I want to teach my daughter “no sex before marriage” or “no living in sin” ... there is no way I am sending her to grandmas house where she has her boy toy or boyfriend (not that I am). You are sort or right, but not quite. It is telling the grandmother (me) how to live my life. In your example, your friend is still allowing her grandchild to see her grandparent. It is just not in a house where there is smoke. In my example, I don't think it mattered whether it was my house or her house. She didn't like the relationship so I don't think she would have been welcoming at either place. She thought it was simply morally wrong. I did live my life without my daughter's approval. I didn't want to marry the guy until some issues were worked out, most notably about $25,000 worth of debt to the IRS with his ex-wife. Maybe my daughter would have understood that, or maybe not. That wasn't my information to share with her. But with DH there were no such problems. I knew how she felt. It was a non-issue for us. Although it may bite me in the butt when it comes to Ltc, it has been good for us given his many health issues. My insurance coupled with Medicare has been phenomenal given his bills runs into $25k for a basic hospitalization. Speaking of which, he is currently hospitalized. He has been struggling to breathe for the past few days. It turns out that he has fluid on his lungs.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 4, 2017 7:02:42 GMT -5
They are not telling the other folks how to live their life, they are telling them what they will or will not allow their kids to be around of/ exposed to. Ex: my friend refuse to allow her child around smoke or smokers. Her MIL is a heavy smoker or should I say was. She wants to see her grandchild she will have to come to my friend house where no smoking is allowed and her grandson was not allowed to her house for a visit or sleep over until she quit smoking , had the house properly cleaned/painted and her DIL gave her approval. They have no rights to tell you how to live your life but as parents it is well within their rights to decide what they will let their kids be exposed to. So if I want to teach my daughter “no sex before marriage” or “no living in sin” ... there is no way I am sending her to grandmas house where she has her boy toy or boyfriend (not that I am). You are sort or right, but not quite. It is telling the grandmother (me) how to live my life. In your example, your friend is still allowing her grandchild to see her grandparent. It is just not in a house where there is smoke. In my example, I don't think it mattered whether it was my house or her house. She didn't like the relationship so I don't think she would have been welcoming at either place. She thought it was simply morally wrong. I did live my life without my daughter's approval. I didn't want to marry the guy until some issues were worked out, most notably about $25,000 worth of debt to the IRS with his ex-wife. Maybe my daughter would have understood that, or maybe not. That wasn't my information to share with her. But with DH there were no such problems. I knew how she felt. It was a non-issue for us. Although it may bite me in the butt when it comes to Ltc, it has been good for us given his many health issues. My insurance coupled with Medicare has been phenomenal given his bills runs into $25k for a basic hospitalization. Speaking of which, he is currently hospitalized. He has been struggling to breathe for the past few days. It turns out that he has fluid on his lungs. You’re a saint.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 4, 2017 9:23:00 GMT -5
My husband had ~100K of SL debt. Believe it or not THAT wasn't our biggest financial problem. His always-needing-never-having-money family was. It took us about 2 yrs to pay off the debt. It took us almost a decade to stop fighting about giving money to his parents.
Debt in itself is not the devil. It's person's attitude on spending in general what matters.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 4, 2017 15:09:29 GMT -5
If I were to find myself single again, I would not want to marry into debt except a mortgage or a sensible car loan. I'm starting to actually have some assets, I would have a hard time using them for someone else's previous life choices. I would be happier with a low earner who had no debts and few assets than a higher earner with lots of debts and some assets.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2017 15:38:50 GMT -5
If I were to find myself single again, I would not want to marry into debt except a mortgage or a sensible car loan. I'm starting to actually have some assets, I would have a hard time using them for someone else's previous life choices. I would be happier with a low earner who had no debts and few assets than a higher earner with lots of debts and some assets. Absolutely. DH made half what I did but he cheerfully lived on less than he made and his only debt was a mortgage on a house he sold after we married, clearing $100K from the sale. He was very happy to live better than he could have on his own because of my earnings, but he never demanded it. At this age, though. I woudn't marry someone in similar circumstances- we're too close to the age where long-term care might be needed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2017 18:40:56 GMT -5
You are sort or right, but not quite. It is telling the grandmother (me) how to live my life. In your example, your friend is still allowing her grandchild to see her grandparent. It is just not in a house where there is smoke. In my example, I don't think it mattered whether it was my house or her house. She didn't like the relationship so I don't think she would have been welcoming at either place. She thought it was simply morally wrong. I did live my life without my daughter's approval. I didn't want to marry the guy until some issues were worked out, most notably about $25,000 worth of debt to the IRS with his ex-wife. Maybe my daughter would have understood that, or maybe not. That wasn't my information to share with her. But with DH there were no such problems. I knew how she felt. It was a non-issue for us. Although it may bite me in the butt when it comes to Ltc, it has been good for us given his many health issues. My insurance coupled with Medicare has been phenomenal given his bills runs into $25k for a basic hospitalization. Speaking of which, he is currently hospitalized. He has been struggling to breathe for the past few days. It turns out that he has fluid on his lungs. You’re a saint. Lol. Not by a mile or two. Ask my daughter.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Dec 10, 2017 12:19:26 GMT -5
It seems more and more young people have a lot of student debt or other loans. If you were looking to marry now, would that be a potential issue or would just assume the debt as part of the deal?
Certainly it would be an issue. Not necessarily a deal breaker, but an issue to be discussed and a problem needing a solution.
But then, I am 50. I made the mistake of marrying without understanding the financial mess I was getting into at age 21. I try to not make the same mistake twice.
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Plain Old Petunia
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bloom where you are planted
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Dec 10, 2017 12:33:24 GMT -5
For those saying they can't imagine ever remarrying (myself included), my Grandmother remarried at age 80 and that marriage lasted longer than both of mine combined! She passed away just a week after he did.
Wow. How many years were they married?
I knew an older woman who met her second husband when they were both in their 80s. She was euphorically happy for about 5 years. They have both passed now. What a sweet final phase of life.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Dec 10, 2017 12:38:30 GMT -5
When my ex and I got together in 09 she had a house that was 70k underwater and retirement accounts valued at 70k so she had I guess had debt but was essentially “even”. We both were essentially at zero at that point due to negative home equity. Our divorce is final Wednesday and over the last 8 years we saved to a point where we are both walking away with a 600k net worth each, recoveries do happen. And to the inevitable question of why, 7 years of battling infertility eroded an otherwise wonderful partnership. I'm so sorry.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Dec 10, 2017 20:53:56 GMT -5
My wonderful DH was debt free when we got married. He didn't want me to bring a lot of debt into our marriage, so he paid off my student loans and my car as an engagement present. (We sold my condo and bought a home together.)
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Dec 10, 2017 22:45:42 GMT -5
My husband and I were both poor when we married almost 50 years ago, but neither of us had a dimes worth of debt.
He had saved and we paid for modest furniture and a car, my folks gave us the car I was driving to college.
We have done well, never had debt. If he passes I doubt seriously I ever remarry at age almost 72, I was used to living alone with him gone so it doesn't bother me. Also with DD I'm not alone anyway. And I have son, DIL, and grandson I can visit. Someday DD will live elsewhere, but not for now.
If I go first, I rather doubt he would remarry, he is like me and would care for DD long as he could. We like being together but being alone doesn't bother us. He likes tending to his rentals, and I like to travel some if I can. He swears I will no longer have a garden, we shall see.
We knew a lady that was in good financial condition, had a nice farm and inheritances from husbands dentist father. She remarried a guy everyone thought was well off, including her kids I'm sure. He passed away and left her with so much debt, hundreds of thousands that they had to sell a lot of the farm to pay off his debt. You just never know. I don't want to end up like that, then she spent years in a home on top of it, so ate up a lot of money.
But no I would not marry anyone with debt and would expect them to be honest with me about finances as I would be with them. But I have no wish to marry again anyway, maybe cohabit or have a companion, but that's all. No smoker, no drinker, no felon, my son wouldn't care if we are married or not if I was happy. But I don't ever expect nor want that. I'm not taking care of some sick guy after caring for DD all my life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 10:02:33 GMT -5
We knew a lady that was in good financial condition, had a nice farm and inheritances from husbands dentist father. She remarried a guy everyone thought was well off, including her kids I'm sure. He passed away and left her with so much debt, hundreds of thousands that they had to sell a lot of the farm to pay off his debt. You just never know. I don't want to end up like that, then she spent years in a home on top of it, so ate up a lot of money.
That's really sad. I suppose the only way to avoid it is to share not only brokerage statements of assets, but also credit reports. At this point I'd never remarry without both.
DS wanted to marry someone who would be a SAHM and I did worry that he'd marry someone with a ton of student loans. I was very relieved that DDIL, in addition to being a wonderful person, had only minimal loans from a 2-year college she attended, which got her a decent job. No idea how much they were- not my business- but apparently they were manageable, and DS had zero. Shortly after their marriage, DS called me and asked if it would be a good idea for him to borrow against his 401(k) to pay off her car loan. (The car in question was a good, solid Nissan SUV and she worked for the dealership so probably got a good price. DS drove a beater he bought for cash.) The interest rate on the car loan was 2%. Ummmm, no! I'm really glad he asked me first.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2017 12:10:37 GMT -5
For those saying they can't imagine ever remarrying (myself included), my Grandmother remarried at age 80 and that marriage lasted longer than both of mine combined! She passed away just a week after he did.
Wow. How many years were they married?
I knew an older woman who met her second husband when they were both in their 80s. She was euphorically happy for about 5 years. They have both passed now. What a sweet final phase of life. 12 or 13 years. The first couple years they were celebrating anniversaries every month because they felt the annual ones were too far apart at their age.
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